Chapter 4

Joel's physical therapist called and Joel told him to skip today, he was in no mood to see anyone. He no more than hung up the phone and it rang again. It was Patsy.

"Hi, lover! My periods about dried up and I'm looking forward to Saturday. You are such a doll for doing this for me. I'll show you how much I appreciate it after the wedding. Are you sure you can't stay with me in the hotel Saturday?" Patsy bubbled.

"Oh Patsy, you've gotten me into so much trouble, and you don't even know it, and it's not even your fault." Joel lamented.

"What did I do?" she asked.

"I told this new girl I'm dating that we would be sort of exclusive until we got sorted out. Not even 12 hours later she caught me with my joint in your mouth." Joel told her.

"She saw me?"

"Yes, she knew you were coming over and saw what you were wearing. I fucked up bad. Once you got here, my situation never crossed my mind. Our sex is just recreational. Harmless to me, harmless to you, but it was heartbreaking to her. I wasn't thinking I was cheating on her." He said, opening up.

"Joel, as much as I would like to have you as my own, I knew going in that we were just using each other. You were nice, you were friendly, and you respected me as a woman/mother. I picked you up. I never wanted to hurt anyone, and I never expected you to have anyone that you would have to be true to. Cheating is something I despise." Patsy said.

"I know you never wanted to hurt anyone, and I don't think you would even tempt me if you knew the situation. It was raining and I knew you were stuck. I thought it would be a kick to come over and make your day. You're making mine on Saturday, if you can still do that." Patsy said cautiously.

"Yes, I said I would do that for you and I will. I broke one heart this week; I don't need to break another. I know how much it means to you." Joel said.

"I would probably not even go to the reception, without you." She admitted.

"Don't worry, I'll be there." Joel said.

Patsy made her plans to pick him up on Saturday morning and hung up.

Joel spent the rest of the day moping around the house, doing laundry, getting his clothes ready for the wedding on Saturday; all "make busy" work.

He had reached the first emotional apex in his life and had failed because of the way he had thought of and treated women. He was always polite and respectful, but those that sought out his affections, only got that, his affections - mostly in the form of sex. It was part of life on the road, especially as a ballplayer. You got to town; you found a partner to bed down with, party with, and pass the time with. If one got emotionally attached, you set them free to find another player, and you another mate.

After spending the day beating himself up and hashing his problems out, he went to the laundry room off the garage and began folding clothes, matching socks etc. He thought to himself that THIS was the life he had brought upon himself by his ballplayers life. No wonder so many retired players drank.

He brought his clean sheets to his bed, fitted them on and went to the living room to watch the news. It was then he realized the time, 9 o'clock. Way past the news, he saw a special presentation of The Godfather, and began to watch it. He thought that at the first commercial break he would find something to eat.

Three and a half hours later he awoke with the intro to Late Night. He had been in a deep sleep and his arm was in a position where it hardly ached. He squeezed the remote to turn off the set and went back to sleep on the sofa.

Sleeping on the sofa he began to become aware of something going on around him. Not quite awake, his mind raced. What sounds had he heard that woke him? Did I lock the door? Did I even close the door? Still subconscious he decided he hadn't even closed the door and the sound he heard was a car or truck passing the house. He began to slip into deep slumber again.

Suddenly he was aware again, a noise! a voice! A kiss to his forehead! Someone was in the room!

"Joel, Joooooooooooooel, JOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOel." the voice said. He thought to himself that he heard his name once or twice, and then he felt the touch of lips.

He started. His eyes flashed open in a panic! "Joooooel, are you awake? Your front door was open. Are you OK?" The voice asked.

He was still out of it but becoming aware as reflected moonlight lit the face in front of him.

"Ellaynne!!" he exclaimed. "What are you doing here, what's wrong?"

"I don't think anything is wrong now. I believe I've come to terms with you, with myself and with Patsy. There was more confusion and heartbreak than could meet the eye and I think it's sorted out now. You were still wrong, but I think I understand more."

"Am I dreaming? What time is it?" Joel asked, still not believing.

"It's 2:30. I couldn't wait until morning. I had to see you." She whispered.

Joel's arm was cramped from inactivity and he extended it to stretch it. Ellaynne saw that and thought he was going to hug her and bent from her kneeling position beside him on the couch. He wrapped his arms around her and pulled her to him.

"Did my Dad really come and talk to you? I know he thought I was miserable, and I was. I'm sorry he bothered you. Patsy met me after I got out of work." She said, surprising Joel.

"Patsy? How did she know it was you I was talking about? I told her I had a problem, but I didn't give her any details." Joel exclaimed.

"She knew you hadn't been anywhere else and when you told her that I knew how she was dressed and where she was going, she knew it was someone in the kitchen. Who else would know what kind of sandwich you like. She came to the backdoor and said she had a message from Joel. I came out when I heard your name. I wanted to scratch her eyes out when I saw her, and I thought she actually came to fight. She explained the whole thing, her picking you up, taking you home and dadadadada, you know, all that. She also told me that you broke your plans with her before I even came over that night. You were thinking of me, and it was sweet, you taking her to the wedding. That's your good deed." She ran on and on.

"Her son said she couldn't come to the phone, my Mommy's crying, and that was why. Her husband was going to show her up by bringing a date. I couldn't leave her like that. You don't mind that I escort her?" he asked.

"No, now that she knows the score, it's not a problem." She said. "She really is a nice lady, and very pretty, but she has to find a man, a man not you!"

"Patsy caused the problem, and she fixed it too!" Joel said trying to make light of the situation.

Ellaynne reached down gingerly and grabbed Joel by the crotch. "No Joel, THIS caused the problem!" she said while giving it a hard squeeze and letting it go. "The big head was letting the little head control it's life. Knock it off!"

Joel was rather stunned that she grabbed him, but he realized she was making a point.

She smiled down at him while he still held her close and she kissed him, once, twice and then held the third until her tongue danced with his. She finally broke the kiss and got to her feet.

I hope you have an alarm. I'm dressed for work and still tired as hell. She reached out her hand to help him up.

"Show me to the bedroom, and don't get any ideas, we are just sleeping!" she told him.

They both got into the fresh bed, with their clothes on, and held each other. Joel set the kitchen timer for 3 hours and they fell asleep talking to each other.

At almost 6 the timer beeped and roused the both of them. Ellaynne rolled to him and kissed him.

"I have to freshen up and get to work. Walk down and see me later. Let's do something out tonight. Nothing fancy, just something where we can talk, away from here. OK?" Ellaynne said as she got up.

She found the bathroom and in a few minutes he heard her car pull away.

Joel was excited about everything that happened in the last few hours and waited to wake up from the dream, but he didn't. It was real.

He slept in until almost 11 o'clock, being awakened by the phone.

"Happy now?" was the greeting he got from Patsy.

"Yes, and thank you. How did you do all that?" he asked.

"I went home and figured out from everything you said who and where I could find this girl, and she is a girl - dirty old man. I called in sick to work and went to wait for her. If I thought I had a chance with you, Joel, I would have wanted someone to do the same thing for me. But, I also didn't want to be a part of a third party in anyone's relationship. Though I barely know you Joel, we've been pretty intimate. I've acted like a slut, but I really am not like that. You were just the right place, right time, and right situation. I needed the morale boost to prove that I was still a viable sexual being who could make a man happy, and him me. I hope the wedding isn't the last time I see you." Patsy explained and expounded.

"I just hope the magic stays while we get to know each other. This is a pretty freaky feeling, Pats." Joel told her.

"Just let it go, and be honest. If it's right, you guys will know. I have to run. I will pick you up at 9:15 Saturday, OK?" she asked.

"You're on!!" Joel confirmed and hung up.

After exercising with renewed vigor, Joel walked to the Mill and ordered lunch. He got his order number and went to the window to wait for it. A few minutes later the kitchen door opened and Ellaynne came out with a tray and a smile and motioned Joel into the dining room. They sat and talked and mooned over each other while Joel ate and shared with her.

Joel planned a quiet dinner at one of the better restaurants in the area. He had an 8 o'clock reservation and told her to get him anytime. They could sit in the bar and talk until their table was ready. They got there a bit after 7 and left just after 10.

Joel invited Ellaynne in at the house and she complied. Once inside the house she sat on his lap.

"Now I have to tell you how it will be, for a bit. I want you, and you want me. To jump into this relationship sexually we might be masking some real feeling by making everything seem right with sex. I have only had one partner, but I know that you have had many. I want you to be HIV tested, AND I KNOW that you were just tested recently. You had unprotected sex with Patsy, and I realize she was probably safe. I had unprotected sex with my lover as well, and I am going to test too. Until we both get results back, there will be no goofing around, OK?" Ellaynne asked.

"Whatever you think. We have a lot of time. I want you to feel right, I want you to be sure." Joel said as he kissed her.

Joel had agonized through the waiting for an HIV test result before. This time he felt fairly confident of the result, but would do what she wanted to make her happy. So, it was going to be 90 days of waiting for Joel. Ellaynne's test result would be immediate, she had been more than 90 days since possible infection, and Joel would have to wait the full 90.

The 3-month waiting period provided them time to grow as a couple and get to know each other at a level neither knew existed. By the 8-week stage a night out may have consisted of cuddling at Joel's for a movie, or going for a drive, as Joel was able to handle a car now. Mostly they like being together. They talked and compared notes on life. They did not totally avoid sex, but most of what they did was touch and tease each other. They had avoided situations where they might be tempted, or coerced by alcohol to have intercourse.

However, the self-induced moratorium was beginning to have its toll on both of them. On a particular night of dinner and a movie, afterward they were in the Pickett family drive necking and squeezing, caressing each other.

"Is it any secret that I love you and am devoted to you?" Joel asked of Laynie (her family nickname he had picked up)

"Of course not." She replied

"I want you to spend some nights with me, then. You know and I know that when we leave each other we can be pretty frustrated sexually. So far we have put up a wall around that, but you know that I masturbate many nights, and I am sure that you do as well. The fact we are hiding this from each other is putting up a wall in our relationship. We always stop our petting before we get too far, but if we planned on satisfying each other without penetration or exchanging of fluids we might be a little more open." Joel petitioned.

Laynie was clearly embarrassed by his statement.

Joel took both her hands in his and looked her square in the eye.

"Are you going to tell me that you've never finished what I started once you get home alone?" he asked with a little grin.

"Joel, that's personal, though." She defended.

"Laynie, holding your breasts in my hands is personal, putting my hand in your panties to feel your pussy is personal, you rubbing my cock through my open zipper is all personal as well, and that happens. But, we always end it without resolution, at least until we get alone, right?" Joel reasoned.

Ellaynne blushed and even had to fan her face to stifle the rising heat of the blood rushing to her face.

"Some nights I have to put the pillow over my face to stifle my noise. Yes, damn it I diddle around when I'm alone, and I always feel guilty about it." Laynie confessed.

"That's what I mean about putting up a wall. Masturbation is such a common and easy thing to do, yet we all hide it. I love you Ellaynne and I want to satisfy you, and see you satisfied. Don't you want the same for me?" he asked.

"Of course, it's just I've never been in a sexual relationship that was that open. It isn't easy to open up private things like this." She said, embarrassed.

Joel held her tightly and whispered in her ear, purposely avoiding her eyes to help her answer easily. He even used dictionary terms to take the subject from personal to physical.

"Think about it, think about your previous lover or lovers. You've had their penis in your vagina, maybe his mouth on your vagina, or penis in your mouth. You've had their seed, their semen in your vagina, maybe even your mouth. Yet, the act of satisfying yourself, bringing yourself to orgasm in front of him or now ME, is embarrassing? Is that total honesty in a relationship?" he asked.

"No, you're right, it's not. And I can tell you that I have thought about it. Plus, I've never told you about my old lovers, and maybe I should. I know about some of yours, especially Patsy." Laynie began.

"No, that's not necessary, it's not why I brought up the subject." Joel stopped her.

"No," she said quietly, "I want to so you know what a novice you are dealing with, so that you're patient with me. I'm not very experienced with sex. I used to think that you took a pill, you didn't get pregnant and sex would be wonderful. I met a guy at Community College and we went to mixers, frat parties, keggers, all those things that college students do. After a month or so he wanted to get serious, which in his mind meant screwing me. He brought me to a hotel and made love to me. It was my first time and it was OK. The next morning I gave him oral sex in the shower, he begged me to do it, so I did it to make him happy. After that night, every night we went out, it ended the same, suck him - fuck him. After a month or so, I asked myself "this is love?" Obviously it wasn't. The best time I had each date, was going home to masturbate. I broke up with him after having sex 6 times. I kept track. After that I went to the parties alone, and was hit on all night long. "Hey baby, let's hook up" was all I would hear all night. I was asked out a few times, but had to fight off these guys on our first date. One guy put his hand on my breast and took mine and put it in his crotch the second he pulled in my driveway. That ended it for me. I was celibate for 6 months. NO NOTHING. When my girlfriend Gail told me about spying on you having sex, it piqued my interest. When I saw you that morning I realized how much I liked men, the right ones really turn me on. I say that because Gail swings both ways and I stayed at her place to let her seduce me. We got so drunk the night before that nothing happened, and then I saw you on your deck and changed my mind about letting her show me. I remained celibate until the first day you came in the store. That night, and every night there after, I went to bed with thoughts of you and my hands in my pajamas. I know I'm bad." Ellaynne confessed. "So, if I played with myself then, what do you THINK, I'm doing now?"

"Well, I guess neither of us have been honest with each other then. I'm the same way after I leave you. We are so frustrated that we can't have sex until we know it's safe, but we're wrong. There's lots of stuff we can do to "make love", if you want to, and I think you do. I want you to come home with me tomorrow night. Tell your Mom and Dad the truth about where you are. I want to be up front with them, so they don't worry." Joel proposed to her.

"I don't want you to expect too much from me, that's all. I feel a little like I did when I was told "if you love me you'll put it in your mouth", I feel pressured." Laynie warned him.

"Laynie, we love each other, everything we do is making love as long as we do it together or for each other. I just think we should express it in intimate ways. There are no expectations. To just hold you falling asleep would be exciting. But if you feel pressured, by all means, do what your heart tells you. My heart tells me I want to make love to you. But making love is two ways. If you think you're uncomfortable staying with me, don't." Joel said as he kissed her deeply and held her tightly to him.

"I better go, tomorrow is my 5:30 morning. Stop in and see me for break." She said as she kissed him goodnight.

For the first time in their relationship, Joel felt reluctance for Ellaynne to commit, and that bothered him greatly. He even wondered if the "great experiment" was coming to an end. They had a great run, so far, but this was a big bump to him. He didn't want to propose that to her, if she was afraid, she might stay with him to appease him. He wanted her heart, not a reluctant OK. The fact she used the word "pressured" weighed on his mind.

After a night of fitful sleep Joel was up early. He did his PT reps as a warm up to a morning run now. His shoulder felt almost normal now, but the final part of his elbow surgery, to transplant a tendon from Joel's forearm to his elbow, and then attach it to the largest two bones in Joel's elbow to replace the damaged ligament, was still to be finished. If not for his blown and rebuilt shoulder capsule, an attempt at a comeback would have been feasible, if not physically, at least, time wise. His elbow still caused him great pain, at times, as what muscle that remained in tact was shredded.