Chapter 23

To say that Mom and Kimberley Kramer hit it off would be the understatement of the century! When they first saw one another in front of our home, each moved toward the other like a zombie. They came together, embraced and then kissed. And it wasn’t a sisterly kiss, either. Then they moved away just far enough to be able to focus on the other and proceeded to stare into each other’s eyes.

“Okay,” Kim finally murmured, “you’re now our distributor for Metropolitan New York. Now is there anything else?”

“You’re Kimberly Kramer, aren’t you?” Mom said softly. “I can’t tell you how honored we are to have you here.” Then she looked puzzled and added, “But you can’t be. You’re her daughter, maybe?”

“Un, oh!” Tony Kramer murmured, but loudly enough for his voice to carry. “You had to remind her...”

“What’s that all about?” Mom asked as she went to him and introduced herself.

“I’m Tony Kramer,” the young man said, “and this is my little sister, Susan.”

“The ‘uh, oh’?” Mom reminded him.

“That was when Tony thought his life was going to come to a rather abrupt end,” Susan answered. Then she giggled and added, “But it really was pretty funny.”

“I didn’t think it was funny at all,” Kimberly grumped.

“But we did, Mom,” Susan replied.

“Could someone please tell us what was so funny ... or not so funny?” Mom persisted.

“It happened a few weeks ago,” Susan began. “The three of us were out shopping at an out-of-the-way mall. It’s the only kind of place where Mom will allow us to be seen with her: afraid for her image and all that.”

“It’s really funny,” Tony picked up. “Mom will do those TV interviews, and it plays the same way every time. She goes with our two youngest siblings, whoever they may be at the time. It works best when they’re about 1½ and 3½,” he confided. “In all honesty, the little kids are utterly adorable — and they know it! They play it for all they’re worth. None of the TV people ever seem to notice that sometimes the older one is a girl and other times, a boy. Anyway, with a couple of very young children, looking like she’s in her early 20s seems quite natural.”

“The mall?” Mom reminded him to bring him back to the subject.

“Well, when Mom really dresses up — the way she is for the interviews — she can easily pass for an adult. But when she’s wearing her Levi’s and a ratty shirt tied under her tits, she looks to be about 17. Or maybe 16. You know? One of those girls who’s developed hips but is still waiting for something to appear on top? Anyway, that’s Mom.

“It was hot as hell that day, and the mall was close to the desert so it was even worse. The mall’s air conditioning was running full blast, but I suspect the temperature in there was in the 80s, anyway. We had been shopping and Mom was getting thirstier by the minute. Finally we broke for lunch. For most of the previous hour she had been talking about how great a nice cold beer was going to taste. We ordered and Mom ordered her beer.

“The waitress was skeptical, and she even laughed when Mom produced her ID. ‘This is absurd!’ the waitress declared. ‘If it said you were 21, I wouldn’t have believed it but I would have served you. But 47? Get real!’ And, in all honesty, I guess I didn’t help things too much...” Tony’s voice tailed off.

“And what did you do?” Mom persisted.

“Oh ... nothing, really,” Tony replied vaguely.

“Bullshit!” Kim interjected. “You bastard! You had to say, ‘I told you it wouldn’t work, Sis. I know you look a lot like Mom, but still... ‘ And that wasn’t all!” the woman seethed, “He had the nerve to order a beer for himself! The waitress didn’t even ask him for ID! And when she brought it, the bastard wouldn’t even give me a sip!”

“I am not a bastard!” Tony sniffed. “I was conceived after you and Dad had been married for months.”

“But that wasn’t the end of it,” Susan said. “When we got back to the car, smoke was still coming out from Mom’s ears. She just glared at Tony and said, ‘You drive, big brother!’ All the way home, she just sat in the passenger seat glaring at him. And, as people know, Mom has been known to get a little violent at times. I think her personal body count is around 20 by now.” The girl grinned and continued, “Even though we were close to the desert I’m pretty sure that we didn’t need the air conditioning running in the car. The look in Mom’s eyes would have quick-frozen anything! I really think Tony was scared.”

“Then what happened?” Mom asked. “He’s still here, and he looks pretty healthy to me.”

“Something that amazed both of us. We got home and Mom stormed into the house and found Aunt Jenny. She proceeded to tell her what had happened, but...”

“But what?” Mom asked excitedly.

“ ... But she broke down laughing. She was laughing so hard, she couldn’t even stand up anymore. She ended up lying on the floor, still howling with laughter. Then you know what she did?”

We just shook our heads.

“She sat across Tony’s lap and gave him the most passionate kiss of his whole life. I think Mom actually put him out for a moment. Then she said softly, ‘Thank you, my darling son! That was the finest birthday present you could possibly have given me.’ Mom had struck again! Tony and I both wanted to disappear into a crack in the floor. Neither of us had remembered it was Mom’s birthday. But then...”

“Then what?” Mom prompted eagerly.

“Then Aunt Jenny said, ‘You two are really getting forgetful in your advancing years. I found these in your rooms this morning, and since they’re labeled for your mother... ‘

“Would you believe it? There were two wrapped packages. The one nominally from Tony was wrapped in his typically sloppy fashion, while mine was better, but still pretty amateurish. Jenny’s? Every gift we get from her looks like it’s been professionally wrapped. But she’s so damned good, she could imitate Tony’s inimitable wrapping style perfectly ... and she had!

“They were two of the most perfect gifts you could imagine. Mom was so happy, she was in tears. Then she kissed us both with all of her passion unleashed and told us we were the best children on the face of the earth. Then Jenny trouped in the rest of the kids, and it was a repeat.” To her mother, Susan said, “You really shouldn’t hear this, Mom.”

By this time we were all in the house seated in the library. “What shouldn’t I hear? That Jenny bought the gifts for all of you? I knew it the instant I saw them, turkey!”

The two kids looked utterly crushed. “But how could you?” Tony asked.

“Because there’s something that’s used in National Security called — I think — a Pigeon Trap. In very highly-classified documents, there will be tiny changes in wording from copy to copy. So if there’s a spy or someone leaking classified information, by checking the exact wording they can tell who did it by the exact words.

“Well,” Kim said proudly, “I did the same thing. There were a couple of things I really wanted, but Jenny was the only person I told. Both of them were in the group of gifts.” Then she just shook her head and added, “That woman is something else. Sue, I think you’re absolutely correct, too: I think her heart did expand to fill her chest cavity. There’s no one alive who is as considerate or as loving as she is.”

Kimberly paused and then added, “I hope your father appreciates what he has sharing his bed while we’re gone. That woman has the sweetest pussy...”

Then to her children she said, “But I still meant every word that I said. I have the finest family with the greatest kids on the face of the earth!”

“Which ones?” Susan asked blandly.

“Huh?”

“Which ones? Yours or Aunt Carol’s?”

“What’s that mean?” Kim asked.

Susan giggled and replied, “Mom, we all laugh about it. We really sort of have one very big family split in two houses with the Christians. It’s an absolute riot! Every day or so you’ll call Aunt Carol or she’ll call you. ‘I have two of yours over here. Do you have three of mine, by any chance?’”

“Golly, Mom, I’ll bet Julie Christian has more things in Susan’s room than she has in her own,” Tony Kramer commented.

Susan’s giggle turned into full-blown laughter. “She really does,” she said. “A week or so ago Julie and I actually took inventory. She does have more stuff in my room than in her own.” Then to Tony she said, “And when are you going to notice Julie, anyway?”

Notice her?” he nearly screamed. “How can I not? When the two of you come into my room bare-assed naked and ask me to check to see if you left any stray hairs after shaving your pussies? Good grief, girl!”

This time it was Kimberly Kramer who giggled. “What he’s really saying, I regret to say, is that in the combined Kramer-Christian households, dress can most usually be described as ‘clothing optional’. And starting when they’re barely out of diapers, they usually opt not to wear any.” She slowly shook her head and added, “And living on the edge of the desert, it’s fair to say we have the smoothest all-over tans you’re going to see outside of a nudist camp.”

“Or inside, for that matter,” Susan interjected. “And, Mother dear, we don’t notice you or Aunt Carol going out of your way to dress...”

“Your dad likes me to have a tanned pussy,” Kim protested. “Can I help that?”

“And Uncle Bill?”

“God, what I wouldn’t give to have Carol Christian’s body!” Kim exclaimed.

“That’s funny, Mom,” Tony said. “She says exactly the same thing about yours.”

To Mother, Susan said, “Carol Christian is the ultimate California blonde. She’s tanned, athletic, blue-eyed ... Simply gorgeous! And with an utterly perfect body after nine kids, too!”

“But it isn’t all beer and skittles,” Tony picked up. “Mom, Dad and the Christians go to every single football game—”

“Tony’s the quarterback,” Susan interjected, “and his best friend, Paul Christian, is the H-back. Sometimes he runs and other times he’s a receiver.”

“They sit up high in the stands. I always see them. There’s Mom sitting there in her Levi’s and our high school sweatshirt with Aunt Carol, dressed the same way, just watching. She always cheers herself hoarse, but then, after the game...” His voice tailed off.

“What happens after the game?” Kris asked.

“We’ll get something to eat, and then it starts...”

“What starts?” Kris insisted.

“They dissect the game. Every stinking play! ‘Tony, when you had third and two from their 32, you had Homer all alone on the right sideline. Why didn’t you throw to him?’ Mom will ask. And so it goes.” He laughed and then continued, “It’s funny, really. Paul and I always have a bet on how many errors the coaches will pick up on. The best the coaches have done is fewer than half of what Mom and Dad found.”

“And don’t forget the Christians,” Susan reminded him.

“How could I?” Tony said. “I guess I didn’t mention that the easy way to find them is to look for Aunt Carol’s golden hair. She and Uncle Bill are always right beside my parents doing the same thing.”

Just then Diane burst into the room. “I’m going to kill him! By God, I’m going to kill him!” She paused and thought for a moment. “No, that would be too easy. I’ll cut off his huge cock and balls ... I’ll...”

“What happened today?” Mom asked quietly.

“The same damned thing, only worse!” Diane cried.

“Worse?”

“He was standing beside me while my girls were going through their routine. And his hand was squeezing my bun the whole damned time!”

“Oh?” Mom inquired softly. “Is that why the crotch of your Levi’s is soaked?”

“I can’t help it!” Diane wailed. “He knows just where to squeeze and does it just right...”

“And... ?”

“And then he has the nerve to tell me I have a perfect ass! And those were his exact words, too! Could he have said I have nice buns? A lovely bottom? Steve Chamberlain? Hah! ‘A perfect ass!’ Now how would you like that?”

“I can think of worse things for him to have said,” Mom replied calmly.

At that point Little Bit and Ann entered the room and things changed dramatically. Tony Kramer had risen when Diane entered the room and was still standing. When Little Bit saw him, her eyes widened. Then moving as if in a daze, she went to him, put her arms around his neck and melted her lips to his.

We could all hear the bells and feel the electricity being generated by their kiss. Finally they eased apart. Little Bit gently felt his crotch and just sighed. “Wonderful!” she murmured. “Come on. We’re going to my room to get better acquainted.” She paused and then added, “Oh, yeah ... I’m Little Bit Harris.” She extended her hand to shake.

“I ... Uh...” Tony stammered.

“He’s Tony Kramer,” Susan said. “He has a bit of a speech impediment this afternoon. I think it might have been that kiss.”

“Hi, Tony!” Little Bit exclaimed. “Now let’s go.”

“Go where... ? Why... ?” he stammered.

“To get better acquainted,” Little Bit explained, exasperated. “We should know one another at least a bit before we’re married.”

“Huh... ?”

“Married. You know ... Two people — usually a guy and a gal — before the first child comes?”

“But ... But...” he sputtered.

“What’s the prob?” she asked. “You’re the guy I was made for. Now that I found you, we should get acquainted before the wedding.” She thought for a moment and then added, “Neato! I can deliver our first in July, and then we’re still all set for college in September. And we have a full nine months to prepare for the wedding, too.”