Chapter 5

He parked the Mercedes in the garage next to Barbara's black Suburban.

The house was quiet. Meg and Troy must be out on the town he thought.

"Honey, I'm home," he called out. There was no answer.

He opened the door to their room, saw that it was in darkness and reached for the light switch. Before he could flip the switch he heard the quiet voice say, "please don't turn on the light." He dropped his briefcase and rushed to the bed. "What's wrong, darling?" "Just hold me for a minute Gordy, please just hold me." He sat on the edge of their bed and held her. She nestled her head in the crook of his shoulder. She thought she had no more tears left to shed but she was wrong. The wracking sobs began again.

"My God, Babs, what happened, tell me what's wrong." She couldn't speak for a minute or two. She knew that it wasn't just the words that had been spoken by Meg's new beau. It had been building for years. She was angry with herself for letting things go this far, for letting them get out of control. She sniffled and then answered his question. "I'm just feeling really down, that's all." "Bullshit! Did Meg say something? Did you have a fight?" "No, we didn't have a fight but... Meg did say something." Then slowly, everything spilled out, not just what had been said in the study but what she had been feeling for years. The release of her pent up emotions was heartbreaking for both of them.

"I know there are all those gorgeous young women at the firm. I see the way women look at you Gordy, I can't compete with them anymore," she said dejectedly.

"You don't have to compete with anyone, honey." "That's what you say now, but look at your partners. Half of them have already shed their first wives. The women they dumped looked like me. Those who haven't divorced their wives are married to women who have more self control, apparently, than I have. They may be a few years older but I know them Gordy, they're still beautiful and I'm not anymore." What she said made him feel like a jerk. He had betrayed her but she didn't know it. She must never know about Marlene or Le Trapeze, he thought. "We can work this out. Babs, I'm so sorry that I wasn't able to help you sooner... that you weren't able to talk about your feelings with me. Maybe it was Michelangelo, or some other sculptor, who said, "I see my finished statue in the rough block of marble, all I have to do is chip away the unneeded pieces.' Well, I can see my beautiful Barbara still inside you. Together, we'll do whatever it takes to bring you back out. Plastic surgery, lipo-suction, spas, Botox, a personal training program, diet gurus you name it" He held her tightly then said, "I don't care how much it costs or how long it takes. If that's what you really want we'll do it. If it isn't what you want, I'll love you no matter what." "Oh Gordy it is what I want but I'm not sure I'm strong enough to stick with an ambitious program like that. I used to be strong enough, but I don't know that I am now. I can just see myself getting discouraged and binging on food or coming up with a million excuses why I don't feel like jogging or even walking. I've got to have some compelling, motivating force." Gordon thought about what she had said. It was true that she had lost herself in her garden and private world. They seldom attended parties and because of that the invitations stopped arriving in their mail box long ago. She didn't really have any close friends. Many of their neighbors were in the same boat she was in. After children, they ballooned and retreated into a world of their own. Not a very exciting world, just a comfortable, familiar one. "You need to talk to somebody, Babs. Somebody who's gone through something like this herself." Then it hit him like a ton of bricks. He couldn't believe what he was about to suggest. "You need to call Susan." "Susan! I can't believe you want me to talk with her." But she could believe it because Susan was the only woman that they both knew that had been in the world she was trapped in who had escaped. She hadn't talked with her for two years. Last year, they didn't even exchange Christmas cards. How things had changed.

Susan was her best friend in high school. They smoked their first cigarette behind Susan's house. They compared bra sizes. They double dated at the prom. They were inseparable. They roomed together at state their freshman and sophomore years. Susan was her maid of honor. A year later she was Susan's maid of honor. But Susan's married life was very different than Barbara's. Well, maybe not so different after all.

Susan was a beautiful bride. But a dozen years later, after three children, life had taken a toll. She gained weight. She too let herself go. Sex, that had been so important to her, lost its importance. Susan wasn't married to an understanding husband. Her husband demanded that she lose the weight or she would lose him. The pounds didn't go away but he did. She was divorced with three small children to raise. The alimony and child support helped but they weren't enough. She needed to go to work, both to earn money and to get out of the house. She found a job at a small company that gave her a chance to reenter the work place. She started with filing and helping out in a small office where she became more conscious of her weight, her clothes and her appearance. She began to see herself through the eyes of her co- workers and she didn't like what they saw.