All my life, I had the feeling that I was somehow wrong in being an angel. I'd always had certain desires that seemed strange for a celestial being. Even as a cherub, when I saw the Seraphim soaring upward... my impulse was to go down! But finally, I thought I saw what part in the Lord's grand plan I was to play. No doubt, you've heard all about that apple business, only you've never heard my side of the story!

How else, but through my disobedience, was Eve made pregnant by Adam! Let me tell you the real story about that apple. You see, I was only trying to help the Lord. It was all part of His plan I thought. After all, the Lord had made that apple for some reason, hadn't He? It happened back in the time when I was still serving in Heaven, rather than ruling where I do now.

In those early days, I was the Lord's troubleshooter. One evening, the Divinity and I were looking down on Earth for Adam and Eve. There was some difficulty in the two obeying God's commandment to be fruitful and multiply. Mainly because they were so innocent they couldn't put one and one together and get three !

I remember the night when God and I discussed their predicament...

Lord, there they are, over there. Look at them going at it; on a beautiful moon lit night,... and they're playing handball! Well, You wanted them innocent. It's a problem all right. It doesn't do much good if every time he gets curious, she walks off to pick a flower; and when she's adventurous, he rolls over and goes to sleep.

Frankly, I'm reluctant to mix in, You'll say I'm criticizing again. Of course, You could always... now don't get angry... You could always take her back and restring her insides, so that they can do it with a hand shake. Yes, yes, I know Your objection to that, she's already perfect now.

Lord the problem down there is that You've made it all too perfect. Everything they look at is not only good, it is equally good. The sun is good, the rats are good, the flowers and trees are good, hungry lions and athlete's foot are good; every single thing is just as good as every other thing.

Because, naturally, You created everything; so everything is as attractive as everything else. Look, he's hugging a porcupine. See, there's the problem with perfection, Lord. If You want them to "begin the begatin", as it were, then You have to make that section of the anatomy more interesting; You have to make that activity better. What I am saying is, that sex has to be made not just good, but - well... terrific! Right now, he'd just as soon pick his nose. I don't think You have any other choice but to thin out the innocence down there; and to do that You're going to have to use that apple!

Forgive me Lord, but I am useless to you if I don't speak my mind. May I tell You why I think You planted that apple tree in the garden? Objectively speaking, it is senseless. You wanted Adam's praise for everything You made, absolutely innocent of any doubt about your goodness. Why then, plant a fruit which can only make him wise, sophisticated and analytical?

Yes, he certainly will begin to question everything if he takes a bite of that apple, but why is that bad? Allow me to continue. He'll not only marvel that the flower blooms, he'll ask why and discover chlorophyll - and bless You for chlorophyll. He'll not only thank You that food makes him strong and healthy, he will discover his bile duct and praise You for his pancreas.

He may lose his innocence, but the more he learns of Your secrets, the more reasons he will have to praise You. And that is why, without consciously knowing it, You planted that apple tree there. It was Your fantastic inner urge to magnify Your glory to the last degree. In other words, Lord, You wanted full credit for everything, including the details.

Yes, Lord, I hear You. He is never to touch that apple. Then, why have You tempted him? What's the point? Is it obedience to You? You want him to awake each morning and look at the tree and say, "For God's sake, I won't eat that apple. Not even a little bite." That's fine, but with the same absence of curiosity, he's not investigating Eve!

I refuse to believe that man's only way to demonstrate his love for his God is to refuse to eat some sort of fruit. That kind of game is simply unworthy of the Most Exalted. Do You really mean for the letter of the Law to be more important that the survival of the human race? One bite and he'll know the difference between good and better. And once he knows that, he'll be all over her. Now he's kissing a tree! You see the ignorant fool has no means of discrimination. Wednesday, I saw him kissing a camel!