Chapter 19

We were on our way to the airport. I felt really sad and wished that I had not rejected Kelly's earlier offer to foreshorten her holiday in order to come back with me. But it was too late now. She looked absolutely lovely, too. She was wearing her yellow sundress and sandals of a similar colour. And it was the perfect foil to her deep tan. She'd also put some knickers on! But that was because they were planning to go to Palma once they'd dropped me off and she was adamant that she would not set foot inside the cathedral without any. But I doubted they'd be on for long once they got back to the villa. I sat in the back of the car with her and we held hands all the way. We arrived at the airport all too soon and I got my case out of the boot. I said goodbye to Carl and shook his hand. He had the sensitivity to walk away when I said goodbye to Kelly. "Kelly, you know I really do love you, don't you?"

"I know you do, Ben, and I love you just as much." We kissed each other.

"You won't forget that, will you?" I shouldn't have said this because she looked as if she were about to cry. I had to walk away because there were tears in my eyes too. I had meant to say something profound, something that would make Kelly realise the real depth of my feelings for her and yet all that I had done was to give her the impression that I didn't trust her. I turned to wave goodbye only to see that Carl was already standing at Kelly's side. When he saw me look back he cupped her breast with his hand as if laying claim to her body. Kelly wanted to spare my feelings and I was pleased to see her push his hand away. I walked into the airport cursing the circumstances that had forced my early departure. I was depressed as my plane took off, and my depression seemed to deepen with every mile that separated my beautiful Kelly from me. I knew that I was really going to miss her during the next three days, days that to me would seem never ending. Kelly, on the other hand, would probably spend the whole time shagging and wonder where the time went!

I arrived home in the late evening to a dark unwelcoming house. My mind went back to the last time I had arrived home late, the night Kelly had met Carl. How I wished that I could have turned the clock back. Had I have been able to do so, I would have immediately entered the house and perhaps Kelly might never have had the opportunity to experience sex with Carl. But it was futile exercise, she had! I made myself a drink and went to bed. I sensed that Carl and Kelly would also be going to bed about now. But I made no attempt to masturbate; I could raise neither enthusiasm nor prick. I just wanted Kelly to be here next to me. I did not want her to be in Majorca. But she would be there for three more days. I awoke the following morning only to realise with a sinking heart that the love of my life was not home.

I went off to the meeting that had been the cause of my early departure from Majorca. I didn't say much at the start; my mind was a thousand miles away. In spirit I was once more at the villa, with Kelly. But Carl was there in body, rather than in spirit! And at that very moment he was probably in her body, too! Jealousy and anger were now the dominant emotions. Why did I have to lose Kelly to an arrogant self-centred bastard who had a big cock, but fuck-all else? And to think that Kelly had wanted to end her affair with Carl and I had been the one to persuade her against it. I resolved that I would never be so stupid again. If ever there would be a next time! The voice came into my consciousness; the voice of my boss. "What do you think, Ben?"

"Pardon." I was playing for time and desperately trying to recall what we were talking about.

"I said, 'what is your opinion, Ben.'"

"Sorry, I missed that, Paul. I must have drifted off. Probably the jet lag!"

Patience was not Paul's strong point. "Ben, It's only a two hour flight for Heaven's sake! No-one gets jet lag coming home from Majorca!" Fortunately, that was my only lapse, and the meeting turned out to be quite successful.

That evening when I came home I was, if anything, even more sorry for myself than I had been the night before. I put on an opera that seemed particularly apt, Act 3 of La Boheme. In music that is both beautiful, yet ineffably sad, Rodolfo and Mimi are parting but not before reliving their earlier happier times together. There were tears in my eyes as I sat listening in the empty lounge. I wondered what she would be doing, but just as had happened the night before, there was no sexual excitement to be gained from this inquisitiveness, just an aching sense of emptiness. And I still had forty-six hours to go.

Good Lord! I was counting the hours until I saw her! The last time I had done that we had only just started going out and I had subsequently assumed that it was just the intensity of young love. And yet, here I was ten years later doing exactly the same thing! I woke up Thursday morning. One more day to go! And then it was Friday morning and I was euphoric. She's coming home today! And finally, after the longest eighty hours of my life, it was Friday evening, and Kelly was standing in front of me. Carl had brought her home but he did not come in. She seemed very tired. We kissed hello but she appeared to be pre-occupied. I made us both a drink and we sat down in the kitchen.

She gave every appearance of being Italian, her deep tan emphasising her Latin features. So I spoke to her in Italian. "I amma so 'appy to 'avva you 'ome, Kelly. To be sure, bejasus and begorrah." She didn't have any Irish blood, of course, but I was on a roll and in the mood to show-off.

"Is that so?" She was not amused; on the contrary, she was very abrupt. My mood instantly changed. Relief and happiness were promptly replaced by anxiety, an anxiety bordering on fear.

"What's wrong?" The tension in my voice was obvious. I was trying to swallow but my mouth had gone dry. There was a huge knot in my stomach.

"Nothing really. I just think we should consider a separation, that's all!" It was a devastating blow to hear Kelly confirming my worst fears.

"Why?" I could hardly get the word out.

"Why? You're asking me why!" There was an incredulous tone to her voice.

I had my head in my hands. "No, Kelly, no! We don't have to separate. I love you, Kelly! You must know that I love you." I was desperately trying not to break down.

"You love me, Ben, do you? So why do you encourage me to fuck Carl all the time?" The emphasis on the word 'fuck' could not have been stronger. She was really putting the knife in. And then she twisted it! "But at least he does want to fuck me, and not just watch someone else doing it!"

Her remark was mortifying but it was no more than I deserved. I chose to ignore it. "Is it Carl? Are you in love with him?"

"I might have been, Ben. I was certainly very fond of him." There was a momentary wistful look and then her demeanour altered, as if she had made up her mind about something, which indeed, she had. "I'm sorry, Ben, I shouldn't have mentioned it tonight. I should have waited till the morning. But I don't want to discuss it any more tonight because I am absolutely shattered. I'm going to have a relaxing bath and then I'm going straight to bed!" Almost as if it was an afterthought, but in fact it was deliberate, she added, "on my own! I'll sleep in the spare room and I don't want to be disturbed. I want time to think." And with a cursory 'goodnight', she went upstairs.

I heard her running her bath. I should have gone upstairs to try to reason with her but I think I must have been in shock. I fetched myself a stiff drink, went into the study and sat down on the sofa. I just sat there, and stared at the wall in a daze for God knows how long. My fears had been justified then. God, what a stupid prat I'd been. How could this all have gone so wrong? Why did I let it happen? Kelly was everything I had ever wanted. Once she had been quite innocent, but I had corrupted her. Once she had been sexually content with me, but she could never be so again. She'd wanted us to separate and I would have to live without her. And then I found myself sobbing. I put my hands to my mouth so that Kelly wouldn't hear me.