Chapter 3: How to Do That Thing With the Horse's Head

The Crimson Blush walked quickly out of the building and to the car in which the remaining three Y-Men were sitting.

"I got it!" she smiled through the car window, then opened the door and got in the back seat with Meatier Man. "The Cloak of Invulnerability."

"And the Shadow Lord didn't mind giving it up to you?" Captain Canada whistled.

"Oh, baby," she smiled at Meaty, "You would have been SO proud of me. The whole room was red with embarassment and shame! Maybe the whole building! He had no choice but to give it up to me! Now, touch your crotch and say that thing you say."

"Like this?" Meatier Man laid his hand in his lap, but did not flex his pud, teasing her. "That thing you say."

"No! Make me-- make me BEG! Please!"

"Oh, like this? Spread and beg."

"Nnnngggg! Yes! BABY! EXACTLY like that! Let me suck you! Pleeease!" She wriggled her hips.

"You mean," Captain Canada asked from the front seat while Buttplug leered at the hot woman, "You mean she wasn't under your influence? But she just tricked Shadow Lord out of his magical artifact! The JLA would disapprove of anything so unrighteous."

Meatier Man looked to the front seat, the pretty woman's head starting to bob in his lap. "I've been telling you, Captain. The pud gets good to them after a while. They'll do anything for it. Besides, women don't like to make decisions. They feel better if a man tells them what they should be doing. Less stress for them that way. Isn't it, sweetie?"

"Mmmphth (shlupp!)"

"Wow." Captain Canada decided that he needed to rethink women.

The vehicle pulled up in front of the Strip Mall, the city's largest men's club.

"Not that I'm complaining, mind you," Meatier Man commented from the back seat. "But is there a purpose to going in here, or is it just some wild entertainment before this suicide plan you've cooked up?"

"We need to catch Guido Scarpacci. He'll lead us to the Globfather. And he spends more time here than anyplace else."

"Good enough."

The four superheroes entered the strip joint. Meaty and the Crimson Blush stopped by the bar to get drinks all around, while Captain Canada and Buttplug walked over to get a table.

A beautful dark-skinned topless big-boobed woman walked past Canada as he pulled a chair out at a table, causing his eyes to widen in recognition.

He spun around. "You! You're-- "

"Yes?"

"Didn't you used to be-- "

"I did!"

"But you used to be so-- "

"Boy, I was, wasn't I?! But I'm all better now!"

"But, don't you-- "

"Not any more. Honey, you KNOW I did for a while. But look at me now.

"But you-- "

"Ain't it wonderful!"

"But-- "

"Oh, baby, stripping is what I was BORN for! I SEE that now!"

She lightly tapped him on the nose, smiling. Meaty and the Crimson Blush walked up then.

"Hey! Racial Discrimination Man!" Meaty greeted the stripper. "Nice rack!"

"Well, if it isn't the Long Schlong! Thanks baby! These new boobies are really paying off. And I just LOVE my vagina! We women have it MADE!"

"If I comment on your lovely, dark, exotic nipples there, are you going to-- "

"Oh, no, baby. I'm PROUD of my skin color NOW! Makes it easier to get the men to stick their... you-know... up my... mmmm! I'm proud of my gender now, too, so, please, call me RD-Girl! Is this YOUR table? Here," she said, climbing up on top, "Let me give you a free table dance! Just for my superhero friends!"

"I'm not... , " the Crimson Blush muttered while she, well, blushed. " I'm really not comfortable with this."

"Oh, sit! Enjoy! We have a hot woman dancing on our table!"

"But she-- she-- she used to be a man. One that I really respected. A hero of a man. A man that meant-- well, everything that was good and right and noble in the-- "

Meaty flexed his pud.

"Nnnnng! You're right!" She threw her arms around Meaty's neck. "Fuck her! Let the slut dance for us. Does she make you HOT, baby? Do you need me to SERVICE you?"

"Why don't..." Meaty mused "... why don't you get up there and dance with her?"

"Noooo... no, baby. I just want to strip for YOU. Only for you."

Meaty flexed again.

"Whoooo-eee! BABY!" The Crimson Blush stood on her chair and stepped up on the table. Racial Discrimination Girl groped Crimson's breasts through her costume while Crimson held her hands behind her head and pushed her chest out. Soon RD-Girl had Crimson's costume peeled down to her waist, exposing her bare boobs. The Crimson Blush did away with RD-Girl's thong, leaving her naked except for her high heels. RD-Girl then removed Crimson's costume the rest of the way. Soon the two naked beauties were french kissing and caressing each other wildly, oblivious to the rest of the room.

"That's him," Captain Canada whispered as a short oily man moved towards their table, dragging another man along by the collar. "That's Guido."

"You two ladies," Guido said in a raspy voice, ignoring the three superheroes sitting below them. "You keep your holes juiced up. I'll be right back after I take care of this punk."

"Wait!" the punk said. "I have a Retaliator!"

"A what?!"

"One of those!" he said, pointing at a television set over the bar.

"Remember," a narrator said as a middle-aged woman, who had been walking up the street on the screen suddenly keeled over, "Exercise is a medicine. So before you go walking up the block, get a doctor to write you a prescription." She struggled, trying to get back up, but could not. "Not only is it the right thing to do, it's the LAW!" A cop ran up to the woman, pulled her up off the ground, slapped a pair of handcuffs on her, then dragged her away. "Brought to you by the Physicians Alliance for Widespread Dependency on Physicians That Write Prescriptions. Remember: we dispense prescriptions for manual exercise over the Internet for only $49.95 per 60 minutes of exercise."

"What the fuck?" Guido furrowed his brow.

"No, not THAT one! THAT one!" The punk jabbed at another screen, also on the bar.

A young couple stood, his arm around her, while their eight year old daughter played in front of them. He spoke, "We just feel safer with our young daughter wearing the Retaliator. If some young punk blows her life away, he's gonna pay!"

The narrator spoke then in his deep voice, "With his LIFE!"

"Racial Discrimination Man would've had something to say about that pronoun," Captain Canada muttered. "How do we know the attacker is a 'he'?"

"Yes," the narrator continued, "If little Suzie bites the big one, you can be guaranteed that everyone in a one block radius -- INCLUDING HER ATTACKER! will similarly pay WITH HIS LIFE!"

"There's that pronoun again."

"A small lead is connected to an implant in little Suzie. If her heart should stop beating, it will trigger a small explosive charge, and EVERY OTHER HEART within a one block radius is GUARANTEED to STOP BEATING as well! Be safe! Be protected! Protect your children! Your loved ones! If you can't PREVENT the attacker from killing them, at LEAST you can make him PAY!"

"That same pron-- "

"You spent too much time with Racial Discrimination Man, didn't you?"

"No. It's just that it implicitly -- and therefore inarguably -- paints men in a bad light, like they're always the attacker."

"Oh, for Pete's sake, Captain!"

"Okay. Okay. I'll shut up."

"Good."

"But, still-- "

"Not another word."

"But-- "

"Not one."

"So you have one of them there 'Retaliator' things inside you, do you?" Guido was asking the punk.

"Yeah! And if you kill me, you're dead too!"

Guido drew his pistol. "What if I don't fucking believe you?! What then?!"

"Then you'll die a horrible" -- the punk demonstrated with audiovisuals here, hurling shrapnel of spittle out into a three foot blast arc with his "b" consonants -- "death! Blown" -- audiovisuals again -- "to smithereens!"

"Let's... find... out..."

Snapping into action, Buttplug whipped out the Cloak of Invulnerability, and in the blink of an eye wrapped it around himself, Captain Canada, the two girls making out on the table, Meatier Man and Guido himself, though Guido got off one round before Buttplug finished.

WHA-BAM! The whole room caved in.

Shaking his head to dispel the concussive shock, Meaty pulled the Cloak back from his head. Everyone around was dead, bodies crushed and strewn everywhere.

"Wow. I gotta get me one of those."

Captain Canada's head emerged next. "No, I don't think that would be a good idea. See, over in that direction?" He pointed to where a hole had been blown into the next room over in the Mall. "There will be some wounded in there that should right about now be-- " he pulled the Cloak over their heads.

WHA-BAM!

"Expiring now. Of course, next door to them, will be some more wounded, some of them wearing Retaliators, that in just a few seconds will die too..."

Wha-Bam! from a little farther away.

"And next door to them, of course, in just a few more seconds..."

Wha-Bam, from a little farther away still.

"And so on down the line. We should get out of here before the whole building collapses."

Wha-bam.

Guido's head popped out from under the Cloak. "Wow. I guess he WASN'T foolin'."

Whabam.

"We may not have much time." They stood and began moving as a collective being with twelve legs beneath the Cloak towards the stairwell.

whabam.

Quckly, they moved down the stairs and outside of the building with barely enough time before the whole place came tumbling down.

"Damn," Guido cursed. "That was my favorite place to hang out."

"We wish," Captain Canada changed the subject and began speaking in a deliberately hoarse voice, "To speak with the Globfather."

"Yeah? Well, what do you have to offer him?"

"A chance to save the world."

"Yeah? Well, FUCK the world. It can go to hell in a... I... uhm... ohgod, how could I say such a thing? I-- I'm sorry. Please, I'll take you to him. We'll convince him to do the right thing."

Captain Canada stared gape-mouthed at the criminal. He sure thought it would be a lot harder than that!

Meaty noticed a faint crimson glow around Guido, connected by a thin wisp to Blush. She gave him a quick reflexive smile when she noticed him looking at her.

"Where is your car? If the future of the world is at stake, we need to speak to him at once. I'll take you there!"