Chapter 4

He left the room and came back a minute later and asked me to kneel up again. He wiped around between my butt halves and folded the towel and held it up to my ass. "Ready to take a walk?' he said. I reached back and held the towel in place and got up on my wobbly legs. I walked bow legged into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. Big farts from the air he pumped into me came out and I wished I had closed the door. I heard him stifling a laugh.

"Bill?" I asked. "Yes" he answered "Fuck You. I hear you laughing" I said. "I already did fuck you, and I hear you farting", he said as he giggled.

Just then, streams of cum dripped from my butt, as I knew he came a lot.

"Was there any mess, Bill?" I hollered out to him.

"No, not a trace baby. All was fine. We lucked out." He said.

Once I finished draining I ran around to put everything in order to make sure Meg didn't know we were rummaging around. In the basement I found a basket of dirty clothes and towels, and I mixed our clean up towel in there. We folded up Bills comforter with the big wet spot and put it in his car. It would go to the dry cleaners while he was in New York. I cleaned off Megs sex toy and returned it to its hiding place.

We finally went downstairs and put on the TV and curled up on the sofa together.

"Thanks, I needed that, Bill" I said.

"We BOTH needed that," he reiterated. "I could fuck you every night," he added.

"Not there," I said as I felt a little soreness back.

He smiled. "That's not what I meant. I meant I could make love to you every night."

"I know," I said. "I hope we can make love every night some day."

"Geez, look at the time," Bill said, "It's after 10, I should get going before my Mom starts to worry. I told her if I was after 10 I would call." "Listen, tomorrow, get someone to drop you off and you can have my car for Monday and then leave it at the airport when you leave. I'll get it on Wednesday and I'll pick you up Thursday. OK?"

"OK lover that sounds great. I'll leave the parking ticket under the seat." I said as I got up to leave with him. We turned off the lights and left together sure that we left the house the way we found it. We hugged and kissed on the porch before going to our cars. Bill followed me out of town to the county road where we lived. My driveway had the last city streetlight and was easy to spot. I slowed and pulled in as Bill flashed his lights and beeped his horn. I stopped the car in front of the porch and sat contemplating. I felt so alive and fulfilled, never dreaming that I would have been made love to in such an intimate way when I left the house earlier. I felt a little sore back there and the sting of Bills hand was still there, but all in all, I felt good about everything. I had a good cry and vocalized my frustrations to Bill, I was able to feel him most intimately in my mouth and my bottom and he gave me huge orgasms that still felt good. Was it going to be this good when we were married and spent every night together?

Both of our intern orientations went well that week. Each of us was treated as if we were established members of each company's teams. Bill said that they really liked his work and was taken aside more than once from the other prospective interns to be told that he was a lock for the position and was even given his summer address, as well as email. He was locked. I was treated much the same at Arens and Ponds. Miranda Ponds met 3 of us at the airport and on the way back to the office talked to just me in the front seat of her car. Once at the office she had an assistant take the other two girls around the company while she took me alone and explained the whole operation to me. She then took me into Baltimore and showed me where I would be living. They were small apartments that the State of Maryland subsidized to keep students in the city near the many small campus in Baltimore. Miranda assured me that mine was a prime spot that looked out onto a park on Johnson Street. It was a reclaimed neighborhood in on one of Baltimore's oldest streets. The only thing wrong with the whole deal was, I was the only one not excited about being in Baltimore. It was a great set up, a fantastic opportunity, and paid well after fulfilling intern hours. But, I was going to be away from Bill for the summer, and the more I thought about that, the more it wore on me. To turn it down would make anyone question my priorities. They could end up paying for a good part of my senior year. I resigned myself to gritting my teeth and doing this, even though I was convinced I would be miserable. Walking away from this would disappoint Bill, my parents, my Student Advisor (who worked so hard to get it for me) and Miranda Ponds, who could do so much for me.

When I got back on Thursday night I was tired from working and running around Baltimore all day getting things set up for the summer. My plane was delayed and I didn't get back until almost 9:30 that night. Bill was waiting for me, and drove me right home. I sat up talking with Bill and my parents until 11 o'clock. I was so tired, but wanted to be alone with Bill. With Bill right there, I told my Mom and Dad that I wanted to spend the night with Bill. My Mom sighed and said she had no problem with it. My Dad said he would go along with it too. They had always liked Bill and now thought of him as a son in law, which was inevitable.

"If you want to stay here, Bill, you can, with Carree. If you would rather go out to your place, that's fine too. You both have worked so hard and have done so well at school, it's hard to say no. We know how much you love each other, and you are 23 years old." My Dad said. He caught us a little off guard. To stay at Bills own room, outside of his house was one thing. To be under my parents own roof was totally different. I was so tired I really didn't want to leave.

"Call home and see how it sits. I don't want to cause any trouble, Bill," I said.

Bill called his parents, and the fact it was late probably had something to do with the fact they said they said it was OK with them, either way. Engaged and in our early 20's, both sets of parents finally accepted the fact that we were in love and wanted to be together, and could do so without their approval. But we did respect them.

"Where do you want to go, Care," Bill asked.

"Let's stay here, OK?" I smiled at him.

"OK, this will be weird," he said.

My dad looked at him saying, "Just think of how weird it is for us."

There was a certain tension building, not from anger or disagreement, and if I could not cut it, we could not continue.

"Mom, Dad, I want you to know that nothing will happen under your roof that will disrespect you in any way. Bill and I both want you to know that." I said. "We just want to be together, and I'm sure you understand that."

My Dad hugged my Mom and said, "We understand, and thank you Carree." With that, they got up and went to the stairs, and said, "Goodnight", and went to bed.

I looked at Bill and smiled and took his hand. We followed them up the stairs, and then went to my room. It felt really weird being together in my house, in my room. "I'm going to wash up, and I'll leave out towels for you," I said to Bill as I went to the bathroom. I returned in my robe and Bill went in to wash. He came back in his pants and an open shirt. I turned off the light and slipped out of my robe, sleeping only in my panties, Bill in just his shorts. We held each other and fell asleep in minutes. The contentment of being together, and not sex, was the reason we wanted to stay together, at least that night. Later, on Friday afternoon we packed up and spent the last 2 days of our break in my dorm, which we had to ourselves. We talked, we made love, and sometimes just sat in the same room doing our own thing, studying and reading. Again, content that we were together made the time special. It also made us realize that we were right for each other as our spiritual selves mixed and blended in our karma. Sitting and reading together, either holding hands or on different sides of the room, was making love in a way. It made me long for more time this summer, which I knew I would not have. As the time of year, which should have been our happiest and most free, approached, my unhappiness and inner rage, over not being able to do what I selfishly really wanted, festered. I was not accepting the predicament of the summer well, but I held it in to keep the peace.

The next few weeks were busy and we were not able to see each other at all, although we made lots of phone contact. We had decided to get home for Mothers Day weekend together and see both Moms as well as each other. It would be the last time before exams that we would be able to spend any time together. We both agreed to bone up on our studies so we could free up the time. Finals were not that far away and, with my heavy class load, I was feeling the pressure.

Maria and Henny were also going home for the Mothers Day weekend and we all sat one night telling "Mom" stories. Henny talked with such reverence about her Mother it was hard to believe it was the same Henny who talked her down during our freshman year. The change that she went through later that year had something to do with her Mom, but she never spilled the beans, even when we each told insider family stories about our Moms. As the weekend approached I was psyched to see both my Mom and Bill. The only downer was that a cold snap hit and lots of the early flowers and plants either died or were shunted. In Upstate New York they were back to predicting 25-35 degree nights and 40-50 degree days. The tulips were always a favorite of my Moms and there was a good chance of there being none for that weekend.

Friday morning came and I woke as both Henny and Maria had early class. My only class for the day had been canceled so I just needed to prepare for Bill to get me later that afternoon. Once I knew they had left for classes I was able to take my time in the shower without having to worry about using all the hot water. I ran the hot water on the back of my neck a long time in hopes of easing the building tension of a joyless, loveless summer. I had just gotten out of the shower and dressed when the phone rang.

"Hi baby, how's your day so far?" Bill asked with a tone I didn't like in his voice.

"OK, Bill, you sound like something is wrong, is it?" I said not wanting to hear the answer.

There was a pause and then he dropped the bomb.

"Carree, I can't make it this weekend. I have a final on Monday afternoon and work called me to pitch in on a feature this weekend. It's like they're testing me. I knew I was on call this weekend, but I'm on call lots of weekends and never hear anything. The "On Campus" feature was supposed to be done and to bed already and its not. I got called to supervise and fix it. I'm really sorry Care... Carree?" He asked when he heard no response from me.

The pressure had been building up on me for a long time and I had few chances to let it out. I hadn't let on to Bill or anyone that I was under this stress because I knew how proud he was of himself and his work, and of me and what I was going to accomplish this summer. We had to cancel so many weekends during the year, and now this was the real final free time we would have before settling into our summer internships. There was little, if any, time surrounding exams where we could be together. I could no longer hold in my real feelings. Before the first word left my mouth I was already sorry, but the check valve had blown.

"WHY DON'T WE JUST FORGET THE WHOLE FUCKING THING, BILL? TAKE YOUR JOB, WRAP IT AROUND MY JOB AND BLOW THE WHOLE LOAD OF SHIT TO HELL AND TAKE SCHOOL AND MARRIAGE PLANS RIGHT ALONG WITH IT. I SIT HERE ANTICIPATING SEEING YOU WEEK AFTER WEEK, AND WEEK AFTER WEEK I GET MY HEART BROKEN. WHY??? BECAUSE OF THAT FUCKING JOB OF YOURS THAT IS SUPPOSED TO BE A CAREER. ITS NOT A CAREER TO ME, IT'S A GODDAMN CURSE. THEN I TRY TO GET SOMETHING IN NEW YORK, SO I CAN BE CLOSE TO YOU THIS SUMMER. WHAT HAPPENS? I END UP 2 STATES AWAY TO MAKE SURE I'M SO COCKSUCKING MISERABLE IN WHATS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR LAST SUMMER TOGETHER BEFORE WE GET MARRIED. I DON'T WANT TO WORK IN BALTIMORE, I NEVER WANTED TO WORK IN BALTIMORE. I ACTED HAPPY BECAUSE YOU WANTED ME TO. THE ONLY THING I WANTED WAS TO BE CLOSE TO YOU AND I GOT NOTHING. NOW WE PLAN ONE LAST SPECIAL TIME TOGETHER AND IT GETS SHOT TO HELL. WELL, FUCK IT, FUCK IT ALL. I'M AT THE END!!!"

I then took the phone and threw it to the floor. When it didn't break apart, I kicked it emphatically across the room, where it hit the wall and came right back to my feet, so I kicked it again and then a third time. I sank to the floor and cried for a couple minutes until the rage over Bills call, and what I had done, basically thrown Bill away over my own selfishness and dishonesty, built again to a pitch.

"THAT'S IT!! I shouted to no one." I FUCKING QUIT SCHOOL, I QUIT LIFE." I looked for something else to destroy, but only saw the end table with magazines and the phone cradle on it. I gave that a kick, sprawling magazines over the room. I decided I was going to walk home. I didn't care. I would walk until I could walk no more, and then I would slip into the woods. If anything happened to me, it happened. I was done. I stormed out the door. I wasn't dressed for the cold snap, but I didn't care. A sweatshirt and jeans would be how they found me, if they found me. I was stressed to the end and the people I should have sought out for help were the ones I deceived. I reached the end of the quad and my hands were cold. I would allow myself that luxury in my misery, gloves, and I went back to my dorm to get them. I stormed in through the open door and went to my dresser. There laid out we 3 pairs of gloves. "Look," I said to myself. "Goody two shoes Carree is so goddamn neat and organized she has 3 pairs ready for any occasion." I picked up a leather pair and threw the other 2 on the floor. I went back into the main room and looked around for what I was sure the last time I would see any of this. I would walk down the road towards home until I could go no further and then slip into the woods. If I woke in the morning, I would continue. I truly didn't care. I had stopped crying and was in a cold determined sweat. I was truly flipping out. I surveyed the room once more and turned to leave when I heard something, a buzzing. It was that goddamn phone; I thought I destroyed that useless piece of shit that delivered all my bad news. I went to the corner, behind the floor lamp, where I heard the noise. I would give that phone one more ride into the wall to silence it for good!! I took the phone and wound to pitch it when I heard the buzzing again. It wasn't a buzzing sound I heard, it was a voice. I held the broken phone to my ear. "Carree, Carree! Pick up the phone!!" then a pause. "Carree, Carree! Pick up the phone!!" It was Bill. He was saying it over and over again. He must have been saying it for the last 7 or 8 minutes. Why didn't he give up? I had ruined what we had and threw him away through my own dishonesty, I thought through the cloud of rage and deceit I had. Finally his cadence stopped. I still held the phone to my ear to hear his voice one more time.