Chapter 4

2001

"With all the new information," Maria said, "you're still willing to give up what you have?"

I met her question with a chuckle, although I didn't mean it badly.

"What am I giving up? All my ideas, all my ideals, they're based on a fallacy, a ghost. I did most of what I did based on my belief that was what you'd want me do to. I am who am I am based on my belief that was who you'd think I should be. The past isn't what I thought it was. The present isn't what I thought it would be.

"If you think we should, we'll go forward. I won't go ahead of you; I won't stay behind you; but I will go beside you. If that's what you want. We'll face it together."

Maria's look softened as I said this, but only a little.

"Maria, you don't have to decide now," I said softly, although I wished she would. "We have another week before I should go. And a lifetime before I have to go."

For the first time in a while, Maria looked at me.

"No," she said. "This isn't a hard decision."

I know I held her hand a little too tightly at that point, but I was afraid to let it go.

"If you go, I'll spend the rest of my life like you spent the last years of yours — wondering," she continued. "It may not work. But what if it does? Let's get to know each other again. If you're sure you want to."

Outside of being sure that the sun rose in the East, I never was surer of anything in my life.

"Well," I said, smiling for what seemed like the first time in days, "I think that answers part of the question. But, I guess, where I go from here is back to work."

For the next week, I worked as hard as I ever had, but I made sure each minute I had off was a minute I tried to spend with Maria.

The offshoot was, I spent a great deal of time with Miranda, too. Because, as I suspected, Maria made house calls as often as people came to see her.

During the week, I found out more about Maria, where she'd been, who she became. She was right when she said parts of her past would surprise me.

For the most part, we stayed away from serious topics, since, for now, our time together was limited to an hour or so at a time.

Only once, did we touch on a topic that presented a problem, but then only a small one.

From her humble origins, her rise to prominence in the small community wasn't easy.

She told me a little about her life after graduation, how she fought to get into a medical school and how despite her good grades it had been difficult.

She told me her grades often suffered because she had to work. Although scholarships cover tuition and fees, they often don't touch incidentals — like shelter and food.

I learned how she and Miranda had lived in a one-bedroom apartment, smaller perhaps than my office in Denver. She told me about the cans of tuna they shared because eventually, they became tired of eating Ramen noodles, and they could afford little else.

Part of her life, she laughed at now. But parts of it, I could tell, bothered her still.

At one point, I tried to offer a bit of solace, saying that all of us face those times.

She rebuffed me, somewhat cruelly, I thought.

"You didn't, did you?" she asked. "You always knew you could go home. You took your shots, I guess, but you knew that if life dealt with you too harshly, you had a fallback. I didn't. I had to do whatever I could. Not just for a job or a career, but to survive."

I accepted this as best I could, still wishing to keep parts of my life hidden, for reasons I didn't understand.

"Some of what you say is true, Maria," I said, with a bit more force than I should have. "But, I made my choices never expecting to go back. I could have I guess, but I wouldn't have. And I've seen some things I wouldn't want my worst enemy to see again, but I would have gone to bottom of the well before I took help without the conditions I'd set being met."

She softened some, but not much.

"Oh, and what were those conditions, a bigger allowance," she asked sarcastically.

I knew it was best to just cut my losses here.

"It doesn't matter what they were," I told her. "They didn't include me in the least, but what's done is done. I just hope you know how much you mean to the people here and how glad they are for what you've accomplished."

She looked unhappy, but accepted my segue with grace.

"Oh, I know, I think," she said. "But it wasn't an easy road."

I wished the road we were on now could be easier, too.

My conversations with Miranda were a lot more jovial.

While I still had difficulty showing my emotions around Maria, I had no such inhibitions with Miranda.

When I would stop at the clinic, I often was greeted with a warm smile and a soft hug, but only from Miranda, never from Maria.

Just as when we were young, the hugs were tighter and the kiss on the cheek a little closer to my mouth when Maria was around. And, just as when we were young, I didn't mind in the least.

What I did mind was the palpable tension in the air when Maria and I would meet at the clinic.

Finally, I asked Miranda about why she and I could joke, but Maria and I couldn't.

"You're silly sometimes," Miranda said. "You're both so scared of making the other uncomfortable, and you both have so many guards in place. It really is fun to watch.

"But, don't worry, Maria and I talk about you all the time. She's happy you're here and decided to stay for a while. It will take some time to break through the ice."

As the hospital rose on its foundation, Miranda — and to a certain extent, Maria — rose in my estimations.

Finally, a full 12 hours ahead of schedule — a new record for JB Enterprises, which always worked on a tight schedule — the hospital was built and ready for the equipment to be placed.

I stood proudly with the rest of the crew and a small group of locals as the final door was put on its hinges, fittingly by Sam.

He walked toward us, his face filled with pride, as I'd seen 10 times before now.

"Guys," Sam started, a tear forming, "this one is special, for many reasons.

"I think you know that this is probably the last time Josh will be with us," he continued. "He may be back, but I don't think so."

As everyone looked at me, I saw they probably knew I wouldn't be.

"Happiness comes in many forms," he said. "For many of you, it's the few months you get to spend at home, with your kids. For the others, it's the few months you get to spend at home without me.

"For me, it's working with all of you. We come from different backgrounds, but we're the same. You're my kids. All of you.

"But, like this is Josh's last round, it's mine, too. The big man asked me to take over some of the day-to-day stuff. And I decided to kick my old ass upstairs. So, when we start building again next year, I won't be here."

This was news to me. Although I made the offer a week before, Sam had deferred comment each time I broached it.

"But, I'll be watching back in Denver," Sam said. "Probably closer than I did before. So, tonight, like we always do, we'll have a few beers and talk about who we are. But tonight, we'll have a bit more to talk about."

With that, he turned to me.

"I think most of you know that Josh has become almost like a son to me," Sam continued. "Some of you probably have guessed why. Some of you maybe haven't. Some of you I doubt care.

"Josh wasn't willing to say anything, well, because it ain't his nature. But it's mine. I've had a week to think about this, and I think you ought to hear my reasons why."

I thought I should try to intervene, but Sam was having none of it.

"Now hush, Josh," he started again. "This is my farewell speech. You'll get your chance. Truth is, Josh is more than just a hired hand here. I ain't sayin' the rest of you are, but it's no coincidence his initials are the same as the company's owner. Josh is the JB in JB Enterprises."

The silence around me told me the guys hadn't guessed my secret.

"But, he's been here every day, hot and cold, for as long as the rest of us," Sam said. "He's one of us. He worked his ass off just like we did. He didn't ask for more, but he didn't accept less than we did.

"Each time we finished one of these," Sam went on, gesturing to the now-finished structure, "it was his dream. It was our work, but his dream.

"But, funny thing is, he's no prouder than you are about what we accomplished. Because he knows it couldn't have been done without us all. And just because he's not gonna be with you anymore doesn't mean it's worth less."

The applause from the small group of men brought a lump to my throat. I realized, as hard as I tried not to, I had friends after all.

Sheepishly, I spoke.

"Well, most of what Sam said is true," I began. "I don't want you to think I deceived you guys out of spite. Mostly, it was because I knew the best way to get your respect was to earn it.

"I hope I have. But, one part that Sam said was wrong. This stopped being my dream a while ago. It became our dream. The pay isn't good enough for you to work for the money. And I've gotten to know each of you well enough to say that you do this not because you have to, but because you can.

"For that, I know that I am eternally grateful. Right now, our dream lives in 11 towns in six countries. I've been looking for something for longer than we've known each other. But, I found it here. Or at least I think I have. So, I think it's time for my dreams to change. But, so long as you guys do what you do, JB Enterprises will live. What Sam said holds true for me: you're all my brothers, and you never need but ask and I'll be beside you."

Our night was spent, like it had been so many other times, around the camp, with a few beers and a lot of lies. But this night was filled with talk of the future, not of the past.

As nice as my night was, it didn't compare to how great my next day started. For the first time, I awoke to see Maria sitting next to me. I hoped it wouldn't be the last time.

"Hi, Josh," she said. "I didn't mean to wake you. You were sleeping so soundly."

I assured her that she needed never to worry about waking me.

"In fact, this is just about the first time in years I haven't started cursing first thing in the morning," I said with a smile. "Ask Sam, if you don't believe me."

Maria smile as broadly as I'd seen her in years.

"Oh, Sam said to wake you at my own peril," she said, stifling a laugh. "I thought I could risk it."

She turned serious in a heartbeat.

"I was wondering, the equipment is coming today, right?" she said. "So, the rest of the guys are going to be leaving later?"

I had explained previously that while we had the skill to move the equipment in, none of us knew how to install or operate it.

"That's right," I told her. "The rest of the group will be flying out in a few hours. But, I'll be here to fix a leaky roof if that crops up. Another group will be in Monday to give you brief training on the equipment, although I doubt you'll need it."

Maria continued to look past me.

"Josh, have you thought about where you'll stay while you're here?" she asked. "There are no hotels within 100 miles and not exactly a budding real estate market in town."

I realized I hadn't given that much thought, supposing I would just stay at the camp about 200 yards from the clinic. Yet, I wondered where this conversation was headed.

"Not really," I said. "I guess I'll just stay out here for a while, at least until I see how long I'm going to stay. Then I'll figure out something else."

"So, you weren't planning to stay with me?" Maria asked.

I really hadn't considered this option.

"Maria, I, uh. No, I hadn't really thought of that," I told her. "We hadn't talked about that, so I wouldn't want to presume."

She looked a little relieved.

"I know we haven't talked about it," she said. "But, it would be easy for you to assume that, I guess. I'm glad you didn't, though.

"But, you can't stay out here. With the others here, it was safe, but alone, I don't think it would be."

I tried to assure Maria that I would be fine here. But she was not really interested in listening.

"Without the Carlos thing, maybe you could," she said. "Once he finds out you stayed and, worse, if he founds out you're here alone, things could be very bad."

Suddenly, I saw her point. I have no doubt that I could handle Carlos, one-on-one, in a fair fight. But I doubted he was the type to do his own dirty work.

"Well, I guess I can stay in Belize City for a while until I find someplace here," I told her. "But, I'd rather stay closer, to be honest."

Maria smiled again.

"I didn't say you couldn't stay with me or Miranda for while," she said. "I just didn't want you to assume you could. We're staying here while you guys take the equipment in, then we'll talk after."

The medical equipment arrived shortly after Maria did, and we moved it inside the structure as efficiently as possible, with Maria and Miranda directing us to where everything should be placed.

After, I bid a warm farewell to the rest of the crew and pulled Sam aside for a minute.

"It's been a lot of fun, my friend," I said, fighting back the tears. "You know it's hard for me to let go of things I care about.

"I'm not going to tell you goodbye, because I think goodbye means forever. So, I'll see you soon. As soon as I get a cell phone, I'll call you with the number."

"You'd better," Sam said, his eyes in the same shape as mine. "But, you know, this ain't our last rodeo, my boy."

As Sam headed to the van to ride to the airstrip, he left me with some parting words, "Be happy, Josh."

I watched another chapter of my life close and turned to see what I hoped was the last chapter standing near me.

Maria, Miranda and I stood watching the van leave for a minute, then they turned to walk to Miranda's car.

"Have you got your stuff?" Maria asked.

I knew I didn't have much, just some old work clothes and a pair of shorts and pullover shirt I had bought when I went shopping with Miranda.

"Yeah, pretty much," I told them. "You guys go ahead, I have a couple of things I need to do, then I'll meet you in town."

Miranda spoke before Maria could.

"Bullshit," she said. "What are you going to do? Mope around? Get your ass in the car."

She was right. I had wanted the time to mope around.

Still, I headed to the car.

"See, Maria?" she joked. "You just gotta train them right."

As we got to the car, I asked a question that had bothered me for a week.

"Do you like the clinic?" I asked them both. "Is it what you expected?"

Maria reached over and took my hand.

"It's beautiful," she said. "You have no idea how much it means to this area. I can't wait to get started here."

As we headed for the river, for the first time in years, I truly believed things would be all right.

A few minutes later, the three of us were discussing my living arrangements. We agreed that it was unlikely that I would be able to purchase an existing house and if I could find someone willing to sell one, I would be expected to pay well-above its value.

It seemed the best bet would be to take the small piece of land beside the clinic that JB Enterprises still owned and build a dwelling. But, there also was a difficulty in finding help. Well, finding it wouldn't be a problem, but most of the help I could find wouldn't have much technical knowledge.

So, I would have to bring in a group from Belize City or, maybe even bring my old crew back down, for the more difficult parts.