Chapter 24

Ken glanced at his watch and realized how long he had been talking. He shook his head and said, "Now I want to end this monologue. But before I do I want to tell you how I got my brand-new position with one of the top law firms in Los Angeles." Ken smiled and shook his head, saying, "Ali does enter into this story. You see, I didn't do too well in my first year of law school, and didn't really hit my stride until the second semester of my second year. The result is that I may not make the top 10 percent which seems to be the cut with respect to the recruiting of the top firms." He grinned and added, "Of course, with Kathy's help, I'm sure to make it, but it's the firms' performance expectation that determines their hiring patterns.

"Anyway, I interviewed this one firm awhile ago. I was late. It was the second round of interviewing, although it was the first round for me. It seemed they were having a firm outing that Saturday and were inviting all of the firm candidates still in contention. Even though I certainly wasn't in, I wasn't out, either, so I was invited. It was one of those 'bring date ... or wife, if you have to' sort of things.

"When we arrived, Kathy stood them on their collective ears! First, there's her natural beauty and grace. I think it's even more effective, though, because she's totally unaware of her effect on other people. She just focuses on me.

"Anyway, to start, there was a mixed doubles tennis tournament — we won — followed by a mixed scrambles golf match. We won that, too. At the barbecue that followed, we were talking to some other people and a girl asked Kathy what she did. She said she worked at a law firm downtown.

"The girl looked at her and saw her beauty, her golden tan, and her dancer's movements. Then she asked in a hushed tone of voice, 'Clifford & Jamison?' Kathy nodded, and it was all over. The net of it was that every female in the Firm present — including at least two partners — mobbed her. They wanted to know how they could possibly join."

Ken shook his head in exasperation. "I forgot something. I forgot how I happened to be talking to the firm in the first place. Well, since Kathy is a secretary and the Firm has great computers, she's been typing my papers for me. At least I thought she was typing them. In fact, it seems she was writing them, but I didn't even know it. When I had a paper to do, I would painfully write it out in longhand. Then we would drive downtown, Kathy would open the office, sit at her computer and type.

"I thought she was typing my draft. It turns out that she has been totally rewriting it ... on the fly." He looked around the room and said, "I'll bet you can all remember sweating bullets, spending weeks sweating a term paper? I sure did. Can you imagine this woman writing a law school paper in the same time it would have taken her to just type mine? Can you?"

Ken shook his head sadly and continued, "I don't know how long this has been going on, but I learned about it for the first time in a class one day. "The professor departed from his usual notes to read a student's paper. Mine! It cited a series of court cases culminating in a Supreme Court decision handed down only two months earlier. The paper showed the development of judicial thinking and indicated the probable future impact in the law and on business decision-making. It had to do with takings."

Ken stopped and looked around, shook his head and continued, "There was only one small problem. Not only did I not write it, I was totally unaware of any of the cases cited. At any rate, it seems the professor was a good friend of the managing partner of the law firm, Kevin Collins, and he raved to him about me and my paper. Well, Collins called his personnel people and they asked me to come in and talk. Personnel people don't like anything out of sequence, and I certainly was. The result was they didn't like me, but, because of the sponsorship of the managing partner, they didn't know what to do about me either."

Ken shook his head and added, "I asked Kathy about it when I got home. I accused her of changing my paper. Do you know what she said? She said, 'Of course I changed it, darling. That's what I do for a living. Surely, you don't think that Clifford & Jamison would mail out the babblings of our partners? I'm paid to put them into English. And if their citations are wrong or there are more recent ones, I change them.'

"She looked at me with her eyes wide and added, 'Darling, that's my job.' Then she smiled sweetly and added, 'Ginger's really great with clients; Sandy is incredibly persuasive with juries; and Ali ... is just Ali. You really don't expect them to be able to write coherently, too, do you?' I also found out something else: It seems that in addition to being the only secretary serving four professionals, in her spare time my wife is the Firm's research department. She makes it her business to keep up on the latest decisions at both the state and federal levels." Ken shook his head and added, "How does she do it? I don't have a clue, but somehow, apparently, she does."

When he mentioned "babblings," Ali started to laugh. Looking around the room, she saw that her partners were laughing, too. When Ken mentioned research, Ali perked up. She held up six figures and looked meaningfully, first at Ginger, then at Sandy. Both emphatically nodded.

Taking advantage of the pause in Ken's speech, Ali said, "Katherine Hughes Carlson!" Kathy heard her name called and jerked up with a start. Ken was dumbstruck by the peremptory sound in Ali's words. Ali said, "Kathy, there has been a special meeting of the Clifford & Jamison Compensation Committee. You are receiving a raise of $5,000 per month, retroactive to January 1. Since today is a Firm holiday — apparently — we won't be able to give you the check for your back pay until tomorrow."

Turning to Ken, Ali gave him a sunshine smile and said, "Ken, I apologize for the interruption. This has been very interesting. Please continue."

Ken just shook his head and said, "Ali, I think I just heard you give my wife a $60,000-a-year raise. Did I?" Ali just grinned and nodded. "Why?" he asked.

"But Ken, it's so simple," Ali replied. "There's not a law firm around that can run a full-bore research operation for less than $180,000 a year. Since we're basically pretty cheap, we thought that giving Kathy about one-third of what she's worth would be about right. What's your problem?" she asked with her eyes wide.

Ken just shook his head sorrowfully and commented, "See what I mean? What chance do we have?" Again he shook his head and said, "Well, back to the story. Actually, we're now very close to the present — this only happened last week. You see, on the Monday following the picnic I got a call from the law firm's personnel office. They wanted me to come in to see Kevin Collins, the managing partner, on Thursday. So I put on my good suit and drive in, dropping Kathy off at her office on the way.

"When I'm ushered into his office, I'm amazed at the greeting — it was like I was a long-lost brother or something. It seems that all he could talk about was my paper — fortunately, Kathy had explained its content in terms that even I could understand; and what he heard about Kathy at the picnic. Well, I'm sort of basking in his compliments when he suddenly drops a bomb. I may have even jerked up straight in my chair when I heard him, I really don't remember.

"You see, it was one o'clock and we had just returned from a sandwich lunch when he unloads. He snaps his fingers and said, 'Damn! I almost forgot. My wife, Lillian, heard about you and Kathy and wants to meet you both. We have reservations for dinner at the club on top of this building for six. Kathy can join us, can't she?'

"I wanted to die! Here it is, one o'clock, and we have a dinner date at six. At the same time, the other thing I remembered vividly was what Kathy wore to work: her Levi's and a work shirt." Ken swallowed hard, remembering. "But then I thought of the bright side," he continued with a grin. "When I told Kathy, she would take off my head, permanently putting me out of my misery.

"So with that cheerful thought, I call her from Collins' office. When I tell her, what do you suppose she does? Does she scream? Threaten divorce? Threaten to kill me? Not Kathy. I almost fell over when all she says is, 'Six o'clock, dear? In the lobby of their building?' I confirm it to her.

"Because of my feeling of terror, the rest of the afternoon is a complete blank. I don't have the first clue today what I did, who I saw, or what I might have said. All I could think of was Kathy arriving in her blue jeans. A little before six, Lillian Collins arrives and I am introduced. My heart drops through the floor. You see, it was even worse than I feared: Lillian is one of those women you see every day on the society pages: perfectly coifed, dressed in the latest fashion, and expensively jeweled. Poor Kathy in her Levi's was going to die of embarrassment.

"Then we go down to the lobby and walk towards the sidewalk." Ken looked around and said, "Remember all those old prison movies? The condemned man's last walk to the electric chair or gas chamber? Now I know exactly how they feel. Anyway, as we reached the door — the whole front of the building is glass — I see a very familiar-looking gray limousine pull up. Fred Clark jumps out and hurries around to the passenger side to open the door. Who steps out, looking like she is stepping from the pages of Vogue — to overuse a phrase? Kathy.

"I see her squeeze Fred's hand, and I'll bet ten dollars he winked at her with his eye that was away from the building. Kathy walks in wearing a mink stole, a suit in brown that complemented her hair and eyes that cost more than a year's pay, worn with a white silk blouse and magnificent gold jewelry. She greets me with a melting kiss and then I introduce the Collins. Kevin's jaw had dropped; only Lillian had the aplomb to greet Kathy warmly."

He interrupted his narrative to interject, "I found out later that Lil is the daughter of the founding partner of the firm; most of the money in the firm is hers and she has the last word on all key decisions.

"There's something else I should tell you all at this point. You may remember that, at the beginning of this talk, I said that Kathy and I were from small towns in northern California. Well, that is certainly true. They are very small towns. We met in college. We went to the same state university which, until just a few years ago, was a cow college. The most polite thing I could say about our social graces is that they are nonexistent — or so I thought. Suffice it to say that in terms of our social experience, the biggest event we ever attended was last year's Clifford & Jamison Christmas party. In that connection we were both scared stiff and only went because all the people were close friends and Kathy finally convinced me they would forgive any social gaffes we might have made.

"What happened that day? Well, in view of all the stories you heard today, I'm sure you know the answer. After hanging up the phone from my call Kathy tells Ali, and Ali mobilizes the troops. Comparatively speaking — compared to some of the other stories you heard today — this one was simple. It was only one outfit, after all. The fur stole — with Kathy's own monogram, of course; the jewelry? Just nick-knacks, with one exception: There was a ladies Rolex from Ali, of course, engraved 'To the most wonderful secretary in the world, with all my love, Ali.' Kathy was crying tears of joy when she showed me the engraving later that night.

"At any rate, we go up to the club, and to make a long story short, Kathy is the smash hit of the evening. She was utterly captivating, and just exuded beauty and charm. Lillian adored her, and it was all Kevin could do to keep his jaw from hanging open. What does Kathy do? All she does is create opportunities to tell them what a wonderful lawyer I am. Incidentally, I nearly forgot: her hairdo was one of Henry's classics, appropriate to the occasion of impressing a future boss.

"Things are going great and it's late in the evening when Kathy says something that causes me to almost fall off my chair. What does she say? She asks the Collins if they are free Saturday evening because she would love to have them over for dinner! Before anyone else can say a word, Lillian says they have a symphony box for Saturday night, but she would give away the tickets because they so wanted to come.

"The next day — Friday — I'm so scared, I can't see straight. Kathy? I've never seen her more relaxed. You should know that Kathy and I have never entertained anyone at our apartment, except maybe for some friends for pizza and beer. Her gourmet cooking had been for me alone.

"Anyway, on Saturday morning after our good-morning lovemaking, she informs me that the girls had organized a golf match with Mike, Bill, Charley and me. To make it even plainer, she told me to get the hell out of the apartment because she was going to be busy. My only instruction? To be home at five-thirty, showered. The Collins were due at six.

"When I get home and open the door, I almost closed it again. Somehow, you see, I had entered the wrong apartment." Ken shook his head sadly and said, "I hadn't. The apartment had been completely refurnished. It looked like a feature story in Apartment Living. But you heard those stories before from Joan and Connie. When I go in, I find Kathy looking like a dream in a hostess gown — I find out later, of course, that it was absolutely all she was wearing. Everything is laid out and the table is beautifully set with dinnerware we didn't have.

"Anyway, I go into the bedroom to change. Since everything in it was brand new, I almost wasn't ready because of all the time it took to find my clothes. Then promptly at six the Collins appear. I really don't know how Kathy did it. You see, she handled all the cooking and serving herself. But in spite of that, it seemed she was always just sitting, chatting in the living room and nursing a glass of dry sherry. Lillian Collins was so excited, she couldn't see straight. The hors d'oeuvres, for example, were tiny works of art that tasted divine.

"Finally, we are called to the dining room. Kathy begins with paté de foie gràs with truffles, served with a vintage Chablis. Then she serves tournedos Rossini, soufflé potatoes — you know, those little french fries that look like little balloons? This is accompanied by a vintage Bordeaux that probably costs a year's pay. She follows it with a salad, and then crèpes Suzette for dessert. Is it over? Don't be silly. She follows that with fresh fruit and assorted cheeses. This is followed by coffee.

"By now, it's nearly ten o'clock — we had been at the table for almost three hours. Then she brings out a bottle of cognac I had heard about but never seen, Rémy Martin's Louis XIII, pours more coffee and disappears again. When she returns, she is lighting a Corona corona for Kevin. She gives it to him with a smile that melts him to his chair. Then she repeats it with me. Finally, she lights a thin light panatella for Lillian, and then one for herself.

"I'll never forget the look on Lillian Collins' face! She just held the cigar in her fingers and looked at it. Then she sees Kathy take a puff on hers, so she tries hers, too. She loved it! When everyone was finished, Kathy shooed Kevin and me out to the living room with our cognac and a couple of more cigars.

"While we're sitting there feeling so expansive we could conquer the world, I start to worry. You see, I could hear the two women in the kitchen. Of course I couldn't hear any words, but I certainly heard some very sexy-sounding giggles from Lillian. When it was time to leave, my fears were confirmed. Lil and Kathy were acting very conspiratorial and I saw the characteristic shape of a Dom Pérignon bottle in a paper bag Lillian was carrying in her hand. Incidentally, when I closed the door after the Collins left, I turn and find Kathy has unzipped her hostess gown all the way. She's just standing there with her hands on her hips with the gown framing her magnificent nude body!

"Was that the end of the night for me? I should be so lucky! I move towards Kathy and all she does is take off my coat and tie, unbutton my shirt and sit me in a brand-new easy chair. Then she brings a small bench into the living room and puts on a tape. What is she doing? What the hell would you think she would be doing? She was replicating Jennifer's exotic routine for me. I have never seen a woman move the way Kathy did that night!"