Chapter 22

As he stood at the microphone, Bill Clifford just slowly shook his head. "I apologize, folks, but for some reason the girls just are not following the script. However, I think you'll agree that we have heard some interesting stories from some very lovely young women. Now I would like to introduce Karen Gaudli. Karen is Swiss and is engaged to marry my son, Brian."

As he was talking, Karen was making her way to the microphone. He turned it over to her, but before he could take his seat, Karen took him in her arms and gave him a wonderfully loving kiss full on the lips. Bill just grinned at her, winked at Ali and then sat down.

"Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen," Karen began. "Please bear with me because this is the first time I have ever had to give a speech in English. Please try to forgive the language gaffes I'm sure to make." She smiled warmly at the crowd which responded by giving her a welcoming round of applause.

The girl continued, "I first met Ali Clifford at Christmastime in my home country, Switzerland. It seems that Ali is a friend of my father's from way back. When she invited me to join the Cliffords skiing in Zermatt, he gave his permission. The last thing he told me before he left me at the airport was to be nice to the Clifford's son, Brian.

"The Swiss raise dutiful daughters, after all, so about ten days or so later I welcomed Brian between my thighs. Some time later I found out from my father — in no uncertain terms — that he never expected me to be that nice. It seems that, even for the Swiss, hospitality does have limits. That was a digression, however. The next day Brian talks to his parents and tells them we had slept together. Ali's first question was to ask if I had enjoyed it. Since Brian had no idea, she asked me."

The beautiful silver-blonde girl looked around the room and then continued. "Can you imagine being interviewed about your lovemaking by your boyfriend's mother? I was. It should have been embarrassing, I suppose, but it wasn't. Thinking about it often, I finally came up with what may be the answer.

"First, there was Ali's own behavior. The first thing she did when we went up to her suite was to strip off her clothes so I could see her nude body. It was utterly overwhelming, but more than that, she could not possibly be Brian's mother with a body like that, so I concluded that she was my older sister ... very slightly older, at that.

"I confessed that my first experience with Brian was — to put it mildly — unsatisfying. What was Ali's reaction? She blows her stack, claiming that, from any son of Bill Clifford's, such behavior was utterly inexcusable. Then she starts to instruct me on how to behave with men. I forgot exactly what she told me that day, but I do remember one thing vividly: I must have been blushing a bright red for two solid hours, anyway.

"No one could possibly tell me the things Ali did. Not only did Ali tell me, though, she gave me the most detailed instructions on how to carry them out. Frankly, I blush just thinking about it again." Karen was right. She was blushing beet red, just remembering, and this was in spite of a golden tan she had picked up on Maui just a week earlier.

"It seems that Ali later spoke to Bill, who, in turn, spoke to Brian. The result? It was the difference between heaven and hell. In fact, Brian and I agreed that the first experience was useful to us both as a baseline from which to measure. From incompetent he became expert." Karen grinned and said, "There's one tip Ali gave me that I'll pass on to you. A man's cum washes down beautifully with Dom Pérignon. My sister not only told me how, she even supplied the champagne.

"At any rate, the weeks that followed were joyous. My big thrill was edging Ali in a slalom race." Then the girl's face fell as she continued, "When I told my father I had beaten her, he said it was only because she had let me. I was crushed. Then I asked how he could possibly know. His reply? Before I give it, though, I should give you some background on my father. Although now a senior executive of Swiss Bank Corporation, earlier in his life he was one of my country's finest skiers.

"After all, the popular ski events such as the slalom, the giant slalom and the downhill are collectively called Alpine events. Since most of the Alps are in Switzerland, it is only fair that the Swiss produce fine skiers ... and we do. At any rate, my father medaled in the Olympic Giant Slalom and later was signed to appear in a motion picture ... with Ali McGrath!

"But back to my story. I asked how he knew she allowed me to win. He replied that he could still beat me, in spite of my being on the junior national team, but Ali regularly beat him. He admitted that he could occasionally beat her in his event, the GS, but never in the slalom. He said she was just too good and too quick."

Looking at Bill Clifford, Karen said, "Dad, I learned that on that day one year ago when you and my sister first met, you asked her if she could ski. The answer, dear father, is hell, yes!

"But what am I doing up here? What is the problem? Well, the problem emerged when I came back to the States with Brian and enrolled in college with him. Being foreign and trying to fit in, I joined a lot of organizations, including — to my subsequent dismay — some feminist ones.

"At any rate, I learned that Brian and I were doing things all wrong. The correct way is for the woman to spread her legs and let the man play. If the girl really likes the guy, she is supposed to make a sincere effort to stay awake while he's in her. Brian and I talked about it, but we couldn't make it happen. You see, when he's in me, I'm like a repeating cannon. Then I usually pass out when he cums from a sensory overload."

Turning to Ali, Karen asked sweetly, "Sister, why can't I just be a depository for a man's sexual fluids like all the other girls? Why did you ruin my life this way?" Ali vainly tried to bury her grin in a sad expression, but was successful in only sadly shaking her head.

Then Karen turned back, looking puzzled. "Ali, there's one more thing, though. I told the women at the NOW meeting that I am kept in orgasm for more than five minutes at a time. Fortunately, I never mentioned Brian's name. I guess my comprehension of English is still weak, though, because when they finally believed me, the meeting suddenly broke up."

The girl pretended to look bewildered as she said, "Why do you suppose that happened? Why were they all yelling, 'Where is he?' Does anyone have an idea what they meant?" Then she grinned and turned on Ali.

"These are my problems, and they are all your fault. First, based on what they tell me, I must be doing many things wrong. Since you taught me, the problem must be in your instruction. The second problem is more serious, though. You see, I did it again. Ali, I'm grinning more and more these days, and you know that a grin is very un-Swiss. We are known around the world as a serious and sober people. Ali, how can I stop grinning?"

The girl's beautiful face turned serious as she said, "Now, though, I get to the real problem I have with you, Allison Clifford. First, as I'm sure you and your guests know, most of the favorite fairy tales are European in origin. Now I ask you, who is the most common villain in fairy tales? The wicked stepmother. Here in the United States, who is the most common villain? The mother-in-law." Karen's face fell as she asked, "What are we to do? You are Brian's stepmother and will soon be my mother-in-law."

Then she smiled and said, "However, we have a plan ... or more accurately, Brian has a plan which I endorse. It came into existence as a result of something he said to his father. He said that you troubled him for a while because he knew I was the most beautiful girl in the world, but that being so, what about you, Ali?

"The answer was quick in coming and Brian is very happy with it. You see, Ali, he considers me to be the most beautiful woman in the world, while you, being an angel, are not in the competition. In support of his concept of your ethereal nature, he offers as proof the fact that you appear to be at least ten years younger today than in the motion pictures you made over ten years ago. What other possible explanation could there be but the supernatural one?

"As further proof — he points out that the camera can lie and you could have been made up to look older in your movies — he cites his father. While he has known you for only a short time, he certainly knows his father. The proof is the fact that his father has lost at least ten years in age within the last year, and, Ali, at least five years in just the six months since I first met him. The explanation? You are using your supernatural powers on your mate and consort. What fun would it be to remain everlastingly young while your lover ages? Ali, you did that too, didn't you?

"But back to the basic problem: stepmother and mother-in-law. The solution is simple: Brian refuses to accept you as his stepmother. You are his mother ... period! Pointing out that no woman could be as kind and loving as you, he cites it as evidence that you are, in fact, his mother.

"This leaves me. This, too, has a simple answer: one that has been staring me in the face from almost the first day we met. Ali, you are my sister, not my mother-in-law. After all, no girl ever confides in her mother the way I do in you. No mother ever gives her daughter detailed instructions in how to be good to a man in bed. You do."

While she was finishing her speech, Brian had quietly come over to join her at the microphone. Turning to her fiancé, she said, "Darling, should we ask her?" He nodded with a smile and asked, "Allison McGrath Clifford, will you be my mother? Please?"

Ali jumped from her chair into Brian's waiting arms with tears in her eyes, "Oh, my darling son, yes! Oh God, yes! Brian, nothing could make me happier or more proud than to have you think of me as your mother! Nothing!"

Brian then stepped back and gripped his father's hand. Bill Clifford then wrapped his son in his arms and whispered, "Brian, you have given us the perfect wedding gift. I can't thank you enough. I love you, son."

Meanwhile, Karen was continuing. "Allison McGrath Clifford, will you be my sister? The sister I never had? The sister in whom I can confide all my hopes and dreams? Ali, there's one more thing. We know you have given us the basic course in adult lovemaking. Please, after we're married and you're satisfied that we're okay on the basics, will you give us the advanced course? Please? Ali, will you be my sister?" Karen repeated.

Ali took the girl in her arms and each could feel the other's tears on her cheek. "Oh God, Karen, of course. Nothing would thrill me more!" Then she stepped back and looked at the younger girl with a gleam in her eye and asked, "Does this give me the right to harass my little sister?"

"Of course it does, sister," Karen replied. "But remember, nearly as famous as nasty mothers-in-law here in the States are brat younger sisters." With a big grin she added, "Sister Ali, I can hardly wait!" With that she took Ali back into her arms and just hugged her. While this was going on the guests had come to their feet and were cheering wildly.

When the two young people were on their way back to their seats, Bill went back to the microphone. "You know," he said thoughtfully, "that girl is showing real promise in learning English. I want to thank you all for not laughing at her. She is really trying." With that he rolled his eyes while the guests laughed.

Then he said, "The next introduction creates a little problem. You see, the speaker is Joan Frederick." Looking at Ali he asked, "Honey, is Joan our daughter or our daughter-in-law-to-be?"

Ali looked up and grinned, "The answer is both, darling. I guess right now she is Joan Frederick Clifford. When she marries Billy she will be Joan Frederick Clifford Clifford. Isn't that deliciously incestuous?"

Bill turned back to the mike and said, "I guess it's my pleasure to introduce my daughter, Joan Frederick Clifford. Joan?"

Joan gave Bill, Jr., a quick kiss and came over to the mike, then lowered it to suit her. Looking pensive she said, almost to herself, "Gee! I've always wanted a hyphenated name. I wonder how Joan Frederick-Clifford-Clifford would go over?"

Then she just shook her head in dismay, looked around at the guests and said, "Good afternoon. I'm not going to bore you with my life story like a sister I could name. With luck, I'm not going to flood out the joint with tears, either. You see, I'm not sad. I'm mad!

"I want to tell you how Ali Clifford screwed up my life. It's a short story, really. You see, I only graduated from Cal Tech in January. While at Tech, my life was organized and ordered. I worked, slept a little and ate even less. Spend time worrying how to spend a weekend? No way! I worked. Worry about what to eat? No way! I went with whatever filled me the fastest for the least money. You have all heard of misers sitting and counting their money? That was never one of my problems. I sat and counted payment coupons. You see, the total of my student loans rivaled the National Debt. As a matter of fact, because many were government-guaranteed, I was probably a major part of the National Debt.

"The first sign of trouble came last Christmas. Mom had just passed out Christmas bonuses and mine was equal to a year's gross pay. This, in spite of the fact that the company had only been in business for six months. In other words, my bonus was 200 percent of my base pay. I went in to see her because I hadn't gotten a pay raise. Mom thought I was coming in to resign. She couldn't understand how a computer scientist could possibly stay in a little law firm.

"I told her that I had the best and most intellectually challenging job in computers: trying to make the machines serve people who weren't computer techies. She apologized and doubled my pay on the spot. Clearly, there was trouble already. I think I even bought a six-pack of beer on my way home that night ... and it was a good brand, too. A Fredrick first!

"The real trouble, though, came in the early spring. You see, my only entertainment was going around to financial institutions to make payments on my student loans. Then one day disaster struck! I went in to make my regular payment and the teller just looked at me. 'Do you want to open a savings account, or something?' she asked. 'Don't be ridiculous! Save what? I'm making my regular payment as I'm sure you know. You have only seen me every month for years now ... and you'll probably be retired before I make the last one.' Then it happened," Joan said in an ominous tone of voice. "She said, 'Your young friend came in the other day and paid it off. Don't you remember?'

"'Young friend? What young friend?' I asked. Now she positively glowed as she replied, 'You know! The golden blonde with the blue eyes and knockout figure? She seems to be almost as old as you... '

"'She was wearing Levi's and a work shirt, wasn't she?' I asked. 'Of course, ' the teller replied. Ali strikes again! In a near-panic I raced from bank to bank, hoping to minimize the damage." Joan shook her head sadly and said, "It was too late. I knew it would be, but I was just hoping against hope. I found my way home in a daze. Going to my desk, I took out piles of now-useless payment books — now worth their weight as scrap paper. What was I going to do?"