Chapter the Twenty-third: Grey.

The weather is being pretty naughty today. There's nothing more than a little grey drizzle and the faintest gleam of a cold sun behind the clouds. All the trees are just hanging their heads in the relentless soaking and all the gutters are flowing with rivers of black muddy water.

I kneel on the sofa and stare out the window.

I can see the street lamps are still on even though it must be approaching noon.

All there is on the radio is more of that awful hissing and yesterday (or was it last week?) we had to turn the furnace off because the vents were getting too clogged with dust. I am always cold it seems. It has been difficult to get dressed properly in the morning because of my hands.

I kneel and stare.

Nurse will be here soon. She always comes after I have had my lunch, it makes it easier for her to see what I have to do.

It was another of those cans of fish today. I always have a can of fish when its raining because that's where fish come from, the rain.

It took me a long time to get the lunch prepared because the bread knife wasn't sharp again and so I had to pull one of the buds off the loaf all by myself and then it was too thick to get into the toaster.

I hope that nurse won't tell me off again. She tells me off a lot.

The drops of water on the window are making the street all floppy. If I put my nose against the glass and keep my eyes open I can see all the grey colours turn around and flash into my head. The windowpane under my nose always gets a triangle of mist on it where my breath comes out. The glass is cold and I get a pain in my head. It's what I like to do when it rains.

I do it a lot.

Nurse always comes along the street from where the big trees are. She has a bicycle. It has a basket on the front and she puts her bag in the basket.

She has a nice bicycle, it has big wheels and big black mudguards.

When it rains, she has to wear her hat and she wears her big coat. Nurse has to stay dry in the rain. She can't get wet. I don't think she's allowed.

I think I remember hearing someone say that she mustn't get even a little bit wet.

I watch the rain and the trees and the street some more. The fish still smells on my face, I couldn't get all of my lunch in very well and so I had to try to wipe it off but it still leaves a smell even though I used a new towel too.

I hope nurse gets here soon, I don't want to be smelling bad when she gets here.

She doesn't like it. Sometimes she gets worried that she might get her hands wet because of me but she usually has gloves on her fingers and so I can't understand why she worries so much.

Sometimes I like my nurse. Sometimes she isn't very nice at all.

But it is her job, so I can't blame her. I wish I was a little better so that she wouldn't get so upset with me.

It's not like I can help it She has to get me all tidy for when Mr. Peter arrives, he doesn't like me to be bad.

He doesn't like me to be bad.

He doesn't like me to be bad at all.

Nurse has to make sure that I am good. That's why she tells me off so much.

The wet road is being all slippery. The lines are wobbling because the raindrops on my window are making it move. It's very wet outside.

I need to have a pee pee.

I hope nurse comes here before I have to go pee pee.

I sit on the chair again. Nurse will be here soon.

Nurse is here.

She is shouting at me because her hat and coat are wet and she has to get them off.

I have to help her but the wet coat makes me have to pee pee real bad.

I hold the big coat with my hands and it is very heavy so I have to use both my hands. When I get her hat I have to hold the coat tight to my chest and that makes all the rain water get into my clothes. My pee pee starts.

Nurse sees what I am doing and gets real mad at me.

She uses her stick and I get a pain in my ear. I have to drop her coat because my ear hurts and she goes very loud. Her stick really hurts and the words she uses make my tummy go funny.

Nurse shouldn't use bad words at me like that. When nurse has made sure I haven't got any wet on her, she makes me get my clothes off and I stand on the chair again. I don't like the chair. It makes all the room move. I fell off the chair yesterday, or was it last week? and I hurt my tummy.

I have to hold onto my knees as I bend over because nurse has to know I won't move when she looks into my bum hole. It is always sore there because I can't stop getting wet. The dryness of her gloved fingers makes it hurt as she pushes them inside to see what I have had to eat for lunch.

"You have had fish again haven't you?!" She shouts. Nurse doesn't very much like me to eat the fish that is in the cans, but I keep trying to tell her that those are the only things I seem to have in my cupboards.

I nod my head and tell her 'yes' but the movement makes me dizzy and I nearly fall.

She uses her strap to hit my ass really hard, "Stand still! you little fuck! I told you never to eat that fish shit again!" I make my eyes blink out the tears and tell her that I am sorry. When I have to stand like this, my skin often gets broken. Some of my sores are tearing open again. My skin really stings.

Nurse hits me across the other cheek even harder and moves off to get the opener.

I hate the opener, it makes my bottom sting and is always cold.

She fiddles around in her big bag and I guess she has pulled out the opener because I can hear it going 'click, click, click' behind me. The hissing from the radio is making my ears ache and the blood is rushing to my face because my head is hanging between my knees.