Chapter 5

Tracy came down to breakfast a little late the next morning. Suzy and her mom were already sitting at the table. Tracy was not that hungry so she just got a bowl of cereal and sat next to her sister.

"Sleep good last night squirt?" Tracy said with a smile.

"Like a log."

"So did I. How about you mom?" Tracy said looking over at her mother.

Her mother did not answer but instead got up and took her plate to the sink.

Tracy shrugged her shoulder at her sister then smiled.

"Mom, we need to talk," Tracy said, not looking up from her cereal.

Her mother did not acknowledge her and began to clean off the dishes and put them into the dishwasher.

Tracy looked over at Suzy and whispered, "Leave us alone for a while sweetie."

Suzy jumped up and kissed Tracy on her cheek as she left.

"Get a cup of coffee and sit down mom," Tracy said in a firm tone.

Julie turned and stared at her daughter but then went to the coffee maker and poured herself a cup. She brought it over and sat across from her daughter, preferring not to look at her.

"Mom, you know I saw you watching me last night. That is not very polite."

"Tracy, you know my rules, yet you brought that boy into our house and gave him... you sucked... you know," Julie stuttered, clearly uncomfortable with the conversation.

"I sucked his cock mom".

"Tracy!" Julie screamed, "I won't have that kind of language in my house."

"Don't get on your high horse with me mom, remember I saw you with Uncle Jack on the living room sofa and if my eyes did not deceive me you were sucking his cock. Your own brother," Tracy said her voice louder then she wanted.

Julie opened her mouth to respond but nothing came out. She looked down at her coffee in silence.

"Mom, let's go to your room. We don't want little pictures with big ears to hear us," Tracy said, concerned that Suzy might have heard what she said. Tracy was not ready for Suzy to know about her mother yet. That time would come soon.

Tracy got up and walked out of the kitchen. She could hear her mother cleaning up the remaining dishes. She would wait for her in her room.

Tracy was standing at the bureau in her parent's room, pretending to look in the mirror at something on her face when her mother walked in. She saw her walk over and sit down on the bed without a word. Tracy turned and walked over to sit next to her mom.

"Mom, I want to know everything," Tracy said, her voice sounding loud in the quiet room. "When did you Uncle Jack start having sex?"

There was a long silence before Tracy hear her mother whisper, "Twelve."

"Twelve, what does twelve mean?" Tracy asked, not knowing her mother was talking about her age.

"I was twelve years old when we first had sex," her mother said with resignation in her voice.

"Oh my God mother, you were younger then Suzy when you first had sex. Wow, and Uncle Jack must have been seventeen," Tracy said doing the quick math. "Good God mother, you have been preaching to me about waiting to have sex for years and here you are telling me you had sex when you were twelve with your seventeen year old brother."

"Don't make it seem so dirty. It wasn't dirty, it was beautiful," Julie said, her voice beginning to crack, tears starting to flow.

"Wait a minute, you had sex when you were twelve and it is beautiful. I give my boyfriend a blowjob and it is dirty? You are such a hypocrite."

"I have only tried to protect you, to keep you from making the same mistakes that I have."

"I think I can make my own mistakes, thank you," Tracy said in a huff.

Mother and daughter were silent for a long time.

"Mother, tell me about Suzy. She does not look like dad or me. She looks an awful lot like Uncle Jack."

Tracy heard her mother moan and begin to sob. She wasn't going to let her off the hook. She wanted to hear everything, so she waited. She had all day.

After a long silence her mother began to talk quietly. "When you were a little over a year old, your dad and I had some marital trouble. We separated. I didn't have any money or any place to go. Jack had an apartment so I moved in with him. Thank God he was here."

"Why didn't you just go home?"

"They knew."

"Your family knew about Uncle Jack and you?" Tracy said in shock.

"Yes, mom caught us when I was fifteen. I moved in with my aunt and Jack moved out."

"Jesus!" Tracy said.

"Well, after I moved in with Jack, we tried to stay away from each other, but it was impossible. Soon, we were sleeping together," Julie continued. "I still loved your dad and missed him a great deal. Unfortunately, I found out that I was pregnant with Jack's baby after several months. I stayed with Jack for several more months, but we both knew that this could not last."

"How did you get back together with dad?"

"He called one night and asked me to go out. He said he missed me terribly. I lied to him and told him that I had been dating another man and than he had made me pregnant. I told your dad that the guy had left me when he found out about the baby. Your dad was wonderful about it. He is the most amazing man I have ever known. He said he wanted me back under any circumstances and that he would raise Suzy as his own. I moved back in with him that very week. That's the whole story."

"Wow," Tracy said, her head spinning. Yet she wasn't done with her mother yet. "Obviously you and Uncle Jack continued to see each other, to have sex?"

"Not for a long while. It was almost three years later. He had joined the Army and went all over the world. It was good for him and for me. When he came back, we tried to be just brother and sister but it started all over again."

Tracy saw that her mother had stopped crying. It seemed like she was glad to have someone to talk to. This had obviously been bothering her for years.

Tracy took a chance and asked another question out of the blue.

"What about your other affair?" Tracy said. She did not think her mother had had another affair. She wasn't even sure where the question came from.

"Other affair, I never... uh... oh God Tracy, how did you know about that?"

"Oh my God mom, you had another affair?"

Julie moaned, realizing that she had made a big mistake. There was no way her daughter could have known about Hal.

"Tell me, mother, I told you that I want to know everything."

Julie started to cry again. She reached over to get another tissue from the night table.

"Hal was our next door neighbor. He was an older man, in his mid forties. He was always so nice to me. When his wife died in a car accident, he was left alone. His wife could not have children so he had no family. I tried to comfort him in his grief. Well one thing led to another and before I knew it we were having an affair."

"Good God mother, you can't control yourself can you? You are like a slut!" Tracy said before she realized the harshness of her words.

Her mother started sobbing again. Tracy felt sorry for her mother now and put her arm around her. Her mother leaned her head into her daughter's shoulder and cried like a baby.

When Julie could get control of herself, she started to talk again. "I am a slut. The truth hurts. I can't seem to control my sexual urges. That is one of the reasons that I still have sex with your Uncle. He is a safe outlet. If I didn't have him, I would be out looking for partners and that would certainly end my marriage. Jack knows that."

The room was silent again except for Julie's occasional sob.

"I guess since I have told you this much, I should tell you the rest."

"There's more," Tracy said incredulously.

"I got pregnant by Hal," Julie said, sucking in her breath waiting for her daughter's wrath.

"You got pregnant again?" Tracy said, looking at her mother in amazement. The words hung in the air for a long time before the next obvious question came from Tracy. "What happened to the baby mom?" Tracy asked, fearing the answer.

"I had an abortion," Julie answered through sobs.

"You aborted a little brother or sister of mine? Mother how could you?" Tracy screamed, tears coming to her eyes for the first time. "Why didn't you just have it like Suzy. I am sure dad would never have known."

"Oh, he would have known alright," Julie said then paused for a long time. Hal was... " Julie tried to speak then swallowed hard. "Hal was African American, the baby would have been black!"

For once Tracy did not know what to say. It was just overwhelming to her. She did not know whether to hit her mother and to hug her. She was angry with her and felt sorry for her at the same time. She questioned now if she had done the right thing in finding all this out about her mother. Their relationship would never be the same again.

"Mother, I know you can't take birth control pills but why on earth did you not use some other type of contraceptive."

"Tracy, I can take the birth control pill."

"You can! Then why in God's name don't you?"

"It's hard to explain, but let me try. I think it is all tied up in my lack of control of my sexual urges. I even went to a psychologist for over a year. He told me that subconsciously, the thought of getting pregnant is a gigantic turn-on for me. It is kind of like people that play Russian roulette. There's one bullet in the gun. The excitement is in seeing how many times you can pull the trigger before you reach the chamber with the bullet in it. I don't fully understand it, but I have grown to accept it."

The room was so quiet that you could hear the big grandfather clock downstairs striking the hour.

Mother and daughter looked at each other. Julie wrapped her arms around her daughter as they both laid back on the bed. She felt Tracy begin to sob and pulled her close to her breasts.

Tracy did not even know why she was crying. Was it for the brother or sister she never had? Was it because her mother was a slut? She still felt the conflicting emotion of sorrow and anger. How could her mother have done this to her father? How could she have had an abortion? She suddenly realized that she must have inherited her sexual urges from her mother. Otherwise, how could she have done some of the things she had done? She concluded that she still felt a thrill at using her knowledge to get what she wanted from her mother. Now she had so much more.

Tracy felt her mother shift under her to get more comfortable. That forced Tracy's face onto her mother's soft breast. Tracy could feel her mother's nipple under her cheek. Her tears had caused her mother's blouse to get wet.

Julie was wearing a white blouse that she had tied around her waist. She had on a pair of fairly lose Bermuda shorts. Under her blouse she had worn a frilly bra.

Tracy felt a thrill go through her as she put one hand on her mother's bare midriff and rubbed her gently. She could feel her mother's breast rise and fall as she inhaled and exhaled. Tracy's hand moved in bigger and bigger circles as she pushed her cheek into her mother's soft breast. Soon, her fingers were under the tied area of the blouse and moving upward. She thought she felt her mother's breathing increase.

When the tips of Tracy's finger's touched the underside of her mother's bra covered breast, a little shiver went through her. She felt her mother move as if to rise up. Tracy used the weight of her head to keep her mother on her back. Then she slowly, began to untie her mother's blouse.

"Tracy," her mother said and brought her hand to Tracy's to stop her.

Tracy did not let that stop her. She continued to untie the blouse until it was open. Then she opened the two buttons that were holding the blouse closed. Her mother's hand was on hers but it did not stop her.

"Tracy please," her mother pleaded. She held her daughter's hand tight.

"Mother, stop!" Tracy said sternly, pulling back to look into her mother's eyes. She saw fear, but there was more. Tracy had learned so much about her mother today. She felt that now she might know her mother better then she knew herself.

Tracy opened her mother's blouse and pulled it apart. She looked down at her mother's full breasts still covered in her lacy bra. She saw that her mother's breathing had increased. The white swells of her breasts above her bra were moving more rapidly up and down. She looked up at her mother's eyes as she took hold of the bra snap between her breasts. She held her mother's stare as she unhooked the clasp and let the bra snap to the sides. Her mother moaned as her breasts were bared.