Journal of Darren Michael Lim

January 3, Turning +10 years

I can’t believe I’m doing this. I have no idea why, but Doctor Jillian said that journaling was good for someone who needs to work through problems in their life.

So, I’m journaling.

My friends said that it was like a 12 year old girl’s journal, but that is a diary, this is not a diary and I’m not a 12 year old girl. I’m a 28 year old guy that is having a hard time coming to full grips with who or what I am.

It’s been 10 years since the world turned and at the time, I wasn’t old enough to go through it all at once. I was given a few more years before I grew my second set of sex organs like a girl. Well, they grew in and I’ve gotten accustomed to them, or so I thought.

Last year I was going through a tough break up with someone who I thought was going to be my wife, except she found someone else who made her excited so she left me. I guess I’m not as exciting as a butch-bull-dyke with a giant dick. I’m just a quarter Korean guy with loving parents who works in an advertising and social media management company. I guess that isn’t exciting enough for her.

So, I went and talked to a counselor, Dr Jillian, who is helping me work through these feelings after ‘she’ left me.

I hope it helps.

January 10, turning +10 years

A week has gone by and I’m still alive.

Dr Jillian said that she was proud that I’m journaling. I don’t know what else to write here so I guess I’ll write more about myself.

Darren Michael Lim, son of Chul and Katlyn Lim, brother to Barbara ‘Bobbie’ Lim. My sister is one and a half years older than I so she actually went through the change before I started. We had some interesting conversations about it all. Seeing her with her first erection was the funniest moment. Her pants were tented like a teenage boy’s in middle school and she had no idea how to make it go away or how to deal with it. I laughed like a good brother should at a time like that. She tried to slug me, I was just a bit quicker.

I finally had to talk to her and get her mind off sex and onto something else that wasn’t sex related. Math was good and she finally got her dick to relax. I still chuckle about it.

Of course she got her pay back when I got my first period. I had to throw those shorts away.

Now, I have an app that helps me track it all so I won’t have to throw away any more undershorts. My sister still hasn’t let me forget that day even years later.

I suppose I should outline myself. As I said before I’m 28, I have gone through my second puberty and ended up with B-cup breasts that if I wear a good sports bra don’t look big at all which also allows me to hide them if the shirt and sweater are loose enough. My pussy hides comfortably between my legs and doesn’t bother me very much at all. I’ve gotten used to taking the Midol during that time of the month and have, as I said before, an app that helps me to track it.

‘She’ was the one who took my pussy virginity. Well, not took per se, I gave it to her and she gladly collected it. That was one heck of a day.

However, that day started me on the downward path that led me to Dr. Jillian. ‘She’ left me and I fell apart.

I’m not going to say that I love her, but I did. Like I said before, I thought she was the one.

Now, I don’t know who or what I am.

I would say that I’m a guy, a manly man who loves to hunt and fish, drink beer with the guys, and whistle at pretty girls. But I can’t say that. I’ve never shot a gun. Beer isn’t to my liking. I wasn’t in the Scouts so I haven’t ever been fishing. I would rather be inside on my computer playing games or sitting in a cafe drinking a latte talking about the latest happenings of my favorite actors in Hollywood. Oh, I play a really mean piano too boot. See, not much of a man.

This has gone on long enough and it is getting late.

January 17, Turning +10 years

I was bored last night and went out with the guys from work. I don’t know why, but I took a person home from the bar and, well, we did it. She, Heidi, was an original girl so Heidi asked if I would go girl so she could use her new dick. I don’t know why I agreed, but I did and Heidi got to use me like so many other guys use girls, now I know how empty that is and how empty the women feel after letting a guy into their pants and that guy leaves.

I hate this.

I don’t know if I’ll ever trust someone enough to let them near my private parts. Ever.

So I called Dr. Jillian just now and she explained that what I’m feeling is the regret from being intimate with someone. She explained that she and many women feel the same time when they are with a guy and that guy just uses them. It will pass and she reminded me it could be hormonal as well. I checked my app. I should start my monthly visitor in the next couple of days. So, there is that.

I’ve made sure that I’m protected so I won’t have to worry about getting pregnant, but still, the regret is there. I wish I hadn’t taken anyone home. I even wish I had talked to them and told them that I wasn’t going to have sex with them. Well, I suppose I should live and learn.

January 21

I met with Dr Jillian and I’ve been making good progress at dealing with stuff. She told me to go outside and get sunshine on my face as well as start going to the gym. So I did.

I found a gym in the shopping mall about a mile from my apartment and joined it. The salesperson who signed me up asked why I was joining a gym. I told them the truth, my psychologist said I needed exercise. The sales person had a nametag of Paige on her, their, sports bra. Maybe I’ll ask what she was before the turning. I think she was an original girl so ‘she’ may be the correct pronoun to use. Maybe I’ll ask.

Anyway, I went shopping and bought a new sports bra and supportive shorts that were tight fitting, but had a pouch for a front bump. I tried to put a pair of old loose fitting shorts over them. It was fine, like the old days before I changed, but now I suppose I could wear the tight shorts like the original girls do to the gym with the sports bra and shorts, but I just don’t know what to wear.

I’ll try the tight shorts and bra and I’ll let you know.

January 23

I went to the gym yesterday and I found out that Paige is an original girl before the turning. We talked for a bit while I drank my pre workout drink. She has a boyfriend. No surprise, all the good ones are taken. Is not interested in cheating or taking a lover so no chance there. While we were talking, I was checking her out. Her boobs were not large, but held up nicely by her bra. She had a narrow waist, round hips and lovely long and strong legs. If the front bump was to be believed, she must have grown a decent dick during her second puberty, but looks can be deceiving.

Which reminds me, why am I looking at someone else’s dick? Shouldn’t that be grossing me out? Yes, it has been 10 years, but I still think like a guy. So I ask myself again, why am I looking at another’s dick and wondering if it is big or not?

Anyway, I wore my sports bra and the tight shorts. It really showed off my ass and hips. Not sure why I care, but I thought it was interesting.

I ran some on the treadmill and was very grateful that my boobs are not bigger. They shook quite a bit but the bra kept everything manageable. I noticed that other people had the same problem and one girl was really top heavy. I hope she doesn’t develop a back problem due to them being so big.

The other trouble I had was that a guy, maybe 16 or 17, was in the dressing room when I was and just couldn’t take his eyes off my boobs while I was changing.

I asked him, “You like them?”

“Um, will I get big ones like that?” he asked me, pointing at my chest.

“Maybe.” I told him. “Ever seen real boobs before?” I asked him, teasing him slightly.

“No.” he told me, still looking at my chest. I moved my shoulders back and forth making my boobs swing back and forth. He just stared at them. I finally turned my back to him and put my bra on.

“Sorry.” he said. “I didn’t mean to stare.” he said, then moved to his locker and closed it.

I stopped him and asked him, “What about your dad? Do you have a dad?”

He told me that no, just him and his mom and his little sister. He went on to tell me that she was 14.

I reminded him to be nice to her since she is going to be going through her own changes and will need someone like a big brother to be nice to her. “I have a sister and she was really useful to me after my second change. You are going to need her when you have your second change.”

He nodded his head and went off to the gym. I did my workout and then took a shower then got dressed. It felt good to work out. I was feeling the burn and it felt good.

The kid wasn’t around when I walked naked to the shower. I looked at myself in the mirror. My legs were hairy as well as my pubic area. My belly had hair on it while my chest didn’t. My hips were nicely rounded and if you were to look from the side, my butt was rounded and had a feminine look to it.

I wasn’t fat, aren’t fat, so that is good. I just don’t have much muscle definition. I’m kind of soft looking if truth be known. Working out will be good for me, give me some definition.

Enough for now, I guess. I’m recovering from working out and I feel good having talked to that kid.

January 25

The boss came back from being gone for two weeks. He got a boob job. They’re huge! I mean, who does he think he is? He’s 50-something, why would you get a boob job at his age? Not good.

I am not going to do that. Yes, I’m still young and haven’t done anything to ruin my boobs like have kids and nurse them. I’ll keep mine small and tight.

February 2

I ran into that kid again at the gym. He didn’t act like he did last time. He must have talked to his mother and sister.

I didn’t get a chance to talk to him much more, just a ‘hi, how you doing’ sort of thing. I wore my sports bra and tight shorts, I was feeling pretty good about it. My workout was a lot of strength and very little aerobic. The burn I was feeling at the end made me sit in my car for a minute. Leg days are the worst.

I have an appointment with Dr. Jillian tomorrow, I hope I’m recovered by then.

The items I’m going to talk about with her are not much. I’m feeling better about myself, I suppose she was right about the exercise.

February 3

I had a good chat with Dr. Jillian today. This is me now. I have changed and I should enjoy it as much as I can since there is no going back to the way it was. At least this is what we have gotten me to admit. I am no longer the boy Darren, I am more than that now. I am capable of making a baby both within someone else’s body and having one made within my body. This is me and I need to understand this.

Yes, I got my period as well recently, so more evidence that I am more than a mere boy. I am a fully realized person wholly and completely.

I noticed that someone was going to the supreme court to get the laws changed so that you don’t have to be covered when going to the pool. The gym doesn’t have a pool, but there is one at the apartment. I haven’t used it since the change was finished and I hadn’t really paid any attention to the people who do so I have no idea if the swimsuit rules are for everyone. I might just have to check it out once the weather warms up and the pool opens.

I’m feeling much better now. Coming to grips with my new life is hard. I am glad that Dr Jillian was there for me. Thank you Doctor Jillian!!

February 8

That kid I met at the gym a few days ago, well, I ran into his mother while I was checking out of the gym. I noticed him talking to a woman, older, close to 40 years old who looked like him. She came over to me and asked if I had talked to her son the other day. I of course was on the defensive immediately, but still answered her question. Yes I was.

She grabbed me and hugged me. Thank you, thank you, thank you, she kept saying. I let her finish hugging me then I took the chance to ask her why.

“Because I got a chance to really talk to my son again.”

When I didn’t understand what she was talking about, she explained that he had withdrawn recently and stopped talking to her like he used to. “Now, he is asking me about body stuff and I am really getting a chance to talk to him. Thank you for helping him and talking to him.” she said, then hugged me again.

I was caught so off guard, that I didn’t know how to respond. Adding to the fact that her head was right at boob level and she squeezed and my nips were hard just from the hug. Holy cow, how is that possible? A simple embrace would cause that sort of response?

I happened to look at her shirt as she was saying good-bye to me and I noticed that her nips were hard as well. What is it with nipples and them getting hard at the slightest touch? Damn.

Anyway, I am still working out, sitting in the sunshine when the sun is out and all of these things are helping me to feel better mentally. Quite the change from the beginning of the year.

February 15

Have you ever seen P2 porn? I have. I’m not sure how to respond to it. Yes, my dick got hard and the girl urges faded into the background of my head, but wow. It is kind of strange to see an obvious guy, masculine face with a hairy stomach and legs, being railed by a chick with a big dick. Both of them had a nice curvy figure and both of them had boobs that were quite nice, his were bigger than hers, but should I be turned on by this? The guy didn’t take it up the ass or anything, he went completely girl, his cock and balls were pulled up out of the way and he looked like a girl, but his face threw off the whole image. She was lovely. Curvy. Pretty. Nice set of fake boobs but with a dick that put mine to shame. The camera would shoot up between her legs showing her stuffing her dick in his pussy and right there was her pussy. Her nuts would swing back and forth as she railed that guy, but her pussy was right there. It just threw me off.

I think I need to get laid.

Now I think I need a girlfriend or at least someone that would be true to me and love me. If I were to find a guy who liked me, was good looking and willing to go girl most of the time, would that make me gay? I suppose love is love now no matter what they were when they were born. Love someone no matter who they are since everyone has the same equipment now and the line between boy and girl is pretty much gone.

I wonder if there is a dating site for P2 people? What sort of questions or seeking questions would they ask? Boy seeking girl? Person seeking Person? ‘Hey, I’m a P2 original boy seeking anyone to love me. Must be willing to go girl as well as go boy. Hoping to form a long lasting relationship with hopes of forming a lifelong bond with someone. Wants to get married and have kids.’

Seems almost farfetched, but it would be true. I’m a human who wants someone to love me.

I can’t really see myself dating an original boy though. That still seems too much like homosexuality. That still rubs me just a little bit the wrong way. I still think I need a girl in my life.

March 2

I know it has been a few weeks. Sorry, but I’ve been busy at work.

Advertising is a nonstop business. There are still ad buys to be made and campaigns to be created, so busy, busy, busy.

I did go and look at some dating apps. Yes, they have changed their options to include P1 vs P2 people so that is interesting. I didn’t find anyone, well, I found a bunch of people, but no matches so far. I’ll keep you posted if I find someone.

My workouts at the gym have really started to show results. I actually have some definition in my arms and legs. I don’t have a 6 pack yet, but I’m seeing results. That kid I saw a while ago is still going and he is starting to see results in his arms and legs as well. No, I’m not stalking him. Just being polite to the young man.

While I was working out, a girl talked to me. Well, that is not the whole story. She sat on me while I was working on the bench press bench. I was lying down pumping the bar up and down and this cute little thing sat on me. She jumped up so embarrassed while I struggled to put the bar back on the rack. One of the other guys near me helped me when he saw me struggling, but when I was able to talk and sit up, we both laughed and joked around about where she was sitting.

Her name is Jessica. She looks like a girl-girl, if you know what I mean. Cute face, petite breasts and body with a modest front bump in her Nike sport shorts. I had on a t-shirt over my sports bra and loose fitting shorts over my tight shorts. She is a dental hygienist so I kept my mouth shut and didn’t smile too broadly since I hadn’t seen a dentist in a long time. I really need to make sure my teeth aren’t rotting out in my head.

Anyway, Jessica is a sweetheart and loves working out. She is the youngest of two children, her older sister is a stay at home mom to two sweet kids that she loves to babysit for. Aunty Jessica loves to spoil her niece and nephew.

I spotted for her toward the end of her workout giving her pointers where I could, but she had the motions down and knew what she was doing without my help. I asked her out. She said yes!!

Now all I have to do is plan a date and that I have not done in a long time.

Pottery class then coffee. I bet she has never done that before.

Her nails were short so she won’t have to worry about getting clay under her nails and not being able to work the next day.

March 7

Tomorrow is the big date. The pottery class is reserved for the two of us and yes I paid for it. There is a coffee place in the same mall as the pottery place and the weather should be nice enough for us to walk there.

We met at the gym again tonight and talked as we worked out. I didn’t tell her what we were going to do in spite of her asking me several times. I would just smile and tell her that she is going to have to wait.

Why am I nervous?

Dr Jillian and I had a quick phone conversation, I didn’t have an appointment but I wanted to update her on what I was doing since it has been several weeks since we talked. She was happy that I was going out, but cautioned me about moving too fast and don’t do to her what had been done to me several months ago.

I won’t expect sex and may have to whack off when I get home.

March 8

Tonight was a blast. We both tried to make little coffee cups. Neither of them were what you would call ‘usable’, but we got messy, had fun, and laughed while doing it. I like this girl.

Now, when I walked her to her door, I paused, she fiddled with her keys so I stepped close to her and put my hand on her waist and leaned in. She reached for me as well and we kissed. It was wonderful, ab-so-lutely wonderful. I’m pretty sure we both got hard from it, I know my nipples started to poke out. Hers were too now that I think about it. How does that work? How are we going to have sex, when we have sex?

Stupid question. One of us will go girl and the other boy and we will do it like that. We just have to decide which one goes which ever way.

Well, I’m done but not really horny at the moment. Too tired to whack off so good night world. Thanks for the nice evening.

March 9

I woke up with a hardon. Took a moment to pee, but darn, that hadn’t happened in a long time. Happened all the time when I was a teen, but now that I’m not, it hasn’t happened in a while.

I’m going to text Jessica before the day is over. I know, it’s morning and I’m journaling. I’ve got to get moving. I can’t spend the whole day in bed. I have errands to run and I’ll see if Jessica is going to the gym or not. If she does, then I’ll work out as well. So, I’m off.

It’s bed time now. Jessica agreed that working out was a good idea and we went to work out. She was so cute. She had a sports bra and short-shorts that hugged her bottom and didn’t hide her dick, but didn’t actuate it either. She looked totally normal and totally huggable. Which I did.

We had coffee afterward and talked. She is special. I don’t know if I’m falling for her, but I like being around her. She had a great mind which surprised me. I used to be so focused on what a girl looks like that I didn’t really take the time to find out about her. I used to put getting into a girl’s pants as my primary goal.

Now?

Well, I am really getting off on just being around her.

I have no idea why I’m writing this, but what would having kids with her be like? Would I make a good father? Would she make a good mom? Would I make a good mom? Does making the baby make me a mom or am I still a dad? I just don’t understand how all of this will work out.

Anyway, she felt so good in my arms, our boobs pressed together and our pelvises touching. I swear she was nearly hard. I know I felt a tingle in my cock, did she?

I’ll try to write down what we talk about when I get a chance to talk to her about how she feels about me and having sex with me.

March 11

It’s late, but I got a chance to talk to Jessica. She had a busy day and was bitten by a kid, but what do you expect to happen when fiddling around in someone’s mouth.

Anyway, I asked her about us having sex, “Jess, what are your thoughts about having sex with me?”

I didn’t start the conversation like that, but during a lull in her story and when I thought she had finished, I asked her. I’m not a total idiot.

“I want to, Darren.” was all she said.

I smiled and could hardly talk. But then I stopped my celebration and asked her to explain, because I thought I heard an unspoken ‘but’ in her statement.

“But.” I asked her.

“I don’t know how to do it very well.” She paused and I kept silent. “I did it before I changed with a boy and it was fine, but I haven’t been very active since the change. I have no idea how to even do it now.” She said in a rush. At least this is what I thought she said.

“I hear you. I’m not too sure how it is going to work either. What’s got you bothered about it?”

She sighed, “it is going to take a lot of coordination isn’t it. You and I, we’ll have to talk and decide before we get too far, won’t we?”

“I suppose. It won’t be as easy as it once was, that is for sure.”

“No it won’t.”

We fell silent for a moment, then she asked me, “Have you gone girl before?”

“Yes. I had a relationship before and she was the first to have sex with me when I went girl. She left me shortly after that. It was tough. Then I brought someone home from the bar and went girl for her. Well that was a mistake which I won’t be doing ever again. Which is why I am asking you about it ahead of time.”

“Sorry Darren. I know that feeling. A boyfriend did the same to me a long time ago while I was in high school. I let him have sex with me and then he stopped talking to me. It sucks.” she admitted. I thought I heard her sniff her nose, like she was crying, but I didn’t say anything.

“I have another question for you.” I asked her, and she gave me the go ahead to ask. “Do you want to get married and have kids?”

She inhaled sharply. I thought I had blown it. Totally screwed that up and I quickly followed up with, “Not now, I was wanting to know your thoughts on the subject.”

I tried to laugh it off, but I don’t think she believed me.

“I want to get married and I want to have kids.” she said.

I sighed happily, then pressed my luck. “Do you want to ‘have’ kids or make the kids in someone else?”

“Um” she said. “I suppose both. I want to be a mom since I still think like a girl so being pregnant and having kids seems natural to me. Though the idea of getting someone else pregnant and supporting them through it does have a certain fascination now that it is possible.”

We talked for a while longer, even talking about kids’ names and how to raise them and even about birth control. Funny, she isn’t on any. I take mine so when we get together for the first time, I’ll be protected. Jessica didn’t ask if I was on any.

March 13

Jessica and I had another date, well not really a date. I cooked dinner and she came over to eat. After dinner of steak and potatoes, and steamed veggies, we cleaned the kitchen and then ended up on the couch making out like teenagers. I got to feel her boobs, breasts, juggs. I don’t know what to call them. All that I know is that they are hers and feel great in my hands. They are a bit bigger than mine, like a big B cup or small C. I would say I was envious about her being bigger, but actually I don’t really care.

Though that does bring to mind her dick. Is it bigger than mine? Now that does concern me. I have heard locker room talk from the guys in there that some of the girls they had dated or taken home from the bar were bigger than theirs. And by the looks of their boobs, they could be bigger up top than the girls since both guys were stacked. Original girls get big dicks while original boys get big boobs. Funny how the world works.

When she left to go home, I went to the bathroom and found that I am, or was, still in boy mode. I guess all the breast play I did on her kept me that way. I don’t understand how this all works.

I did take a chance to rub her crotch and she had gone girl while we were making out which would explain why I was in boy mode. Her crotch felt hot while my hand was down there. I would have to assume that she was also wet. She simply stopped me from getting my hand inside of her pants.

“I’m sorry Darren, but I’m not ready for that yet.” she said and I totally understood. I quickly apologized for being so forward and said that I was interested in her and wanted to make love with her. She blushed at my talk and finally admitted that she liked me too and wanted to be physical with me as well. ‘When the time is right.’ she said to me.

I accepted it and didn’t feel angry about it at all. I am sure that if I hadn’t been mature I would have been angry. Now, totally fine with it.

She and I took a trip through the bathroom and then resumed our position on the couch relaxing and talking about stuff.

I sent her home and went to bed thinking of her taking my dick in hand and rubbing one out. Why did I write that? Yes, I masturbated thinking about Jessica. Her petite body and firm breasts and her sexy and cute little laugh. I may be falling for her big time.

March 20

Jessica called during the week and said that she was planning on a date for us. When I asked her what to wear or where we were going, she simply said, ‘dress comfortably but look good.’

I have no idea what that means.

Yesterday I went to the store and talked to several people trying to figure out what she meant. One of the ladies who was helping me said ‘if you were a girl I have a dress that would be perfect. But if you are going to stay a guy, then shorts and polo is the only thing I could suggest.’

I thanked her and went ahead and bought the shorts and polo. The weather was decent for the midwest in late March so a lite jacket over the polo and I was out the door. I wore a nice bra under the polo. Their selection of bras was quite extensive and I found one that was functional and not too girlie. No lace. No bows or flowers. Just white, cotton and comfortable. The polo wasn’t white so I didn’t have to worry about it showing.

The shorts were denim and cut to fit my figure but still stopped on my hips instead of going all the way to my waist. The girl said that most P2 boys don’t want to show off their hips and waist so these shorts were fit to stay on the hips which sort of hid my figure. Which I have now. Ha ha ha.

I put my new clothes into the wash and then hung them to dry for the next day. I don’t know what I’m doing or where I’m going, but Jessica is who I am dating and she works at the dentist office on Harlow Street, near 10th avenue. I don’t remember the name of the place, but that who I am going out with and where she works. In case I disappear and are found dead. Ha Ha Ha

March 22

Yesterday was the date. FUCK!! What a blast.

I have no idea how she found out about it, but there is a new P2 club for those of us who have gone through our second puberty and the bouncer was there to make sure that the people let in are P2.

The guy stopped me and pulled us aside. I lifted my shirt and showed him my new bra and boobs. He looked at Jessica who pulled up her skirt and showed him her front bump. I have no idea if this was normal, but we went along with it. There is probably a law against it, but I don’t know.

Jessica had on a skirt and tank top with a lite jacket as well since the weather was nice last night, but nowhere near warm. Once we got inside the music was thumping with a live DJ spinning the music. We checked our jackets and Jessica checked her purse as well. I put her phone in my pocket for safekeeping and went to find a table.

Let me try to describe this place. Dance club like all the others. Bright flashing lights, loud and thumping music, and beautiful people all over everywhere dancing and rubbing against each other like all of the videos and TV shows we have all seen growing up.