Part XVII - 2: Big Shoes to Fill

"Timmy, please try to be sensitive to his feelings when he first sees you?" Suzi said as she rung the doorbell. "Don't just walk in and say Hi, Eric."

"Hi, Eric," Suzi said when he answered the door.

"Hi Suz," Eric said surprised. "I would have... "

Suzi stepped out of the way so he could see who was standing behind her, and after a brief moment of not recognizing me, Eric's face became chalky white before he rolled his eyes up and promptly fainted.

"Eric!" Suzi said scrambling to break his fall as he collapsed to his right. "Tim, just don't stand there, help me!" she said holding on to his limp shoulders while partially straddling him.

I stepped inside, then after looking around a moment, I shut the door.

"That was a lot of help," Suzi said frustrated as she laid Eric's head gently on the floor and stood up. "Help me get him onto the couch, and please be... "

"... careful," she said as Eric's body got up and went over to the couch all by its self.

"Was that okay?" I asked her.

She just sighed, then went to sit down next to Eric without a word.

"He cut his hair," I mentioned as I walked over and stood at his feet.

"He cut it for your funeral," she said stroking his forehead and cheek. "Eric and I helped each other through it, but he still hasn't gotten over it. I wish you could feel things again. He hasn't been the same since you... "

Eric stirred, so Suzi slipped down the couch a little further, then bent over to give Eric a kiss on the lips. I watched patently as Eric's arms and hands sluggishly came to life, raising themselves to hold Suzi's head steady as he obviously began returning the kiss.

I wasn't sure when the kissing actually stopped, for they seemed to have a few moments just looking in each others eyes before he said, "Sorry if I scared you. That guy looked like Tim for a moment. I thought it was his ghost or something."

"Eric, he's not a ghost. See?" she said getting excited while moving over so he could see me again.

"Hi, Eric," I simply said when his expression this time was simply one of shock.

"Grrrr," Suzi said, but I ignored her since Eric had sat up.

"But how? I saw the explosion... " he said, reaching out to touch me, stopping before he did. "Are you sure it's him?"

"Sure I'm sure," Suzi said, sitting behind him and draping herself across his back. "But he isn't himself, so don't get upset if he doesn't act right."

"I still don't remember everything," I said carefully. "But I do remember us and some of the things we did."

"I don't understand... " Eric said. "How can he be alive when they confirmed he was in the car when it hit the train? They found his body... " he said before shuddering.

"His mom said his dental records were switched with someone else's, and that someone was who was in the car when the train hit it."

"My mom and dad both pretty much suspected I wasn't really dead. I've never had a cavity, and the body in the car had two fillings. But they couldn't tell anyone because they were trying to find out who did it."

"She did tell someone," Suzi said. "About a week after the funeral, she called me and asked me if I could help her go through some of your stuff. I didn't really want to, but I knew if I didn't go I'd never forgive myself. When I got there, she took me to your room, but instead of going through your stuff to pitch what we didn't want, she told me about the fillings and asked me to help her look for anything that might be missing or a clue to who could have taken you."

"I didn't know you knew," I simply said, sitting down on the couch next to Eric after he had made room.

"You mean all that time... " Eric said looking at her. "All that time you spent with me after the funeral, you knew he wasn't really dead? Why didn't you tell me!?!"

"I'm sorry, Eric!" Suzi said, seeing how upset he was. "She made me so I couldn't tell anyone, especially you. They thought whoever took Tim planted the memory of his death in your mind, and didn't want to take the chance that you might somehow warn... "

"I can't believe you lied to me," Eric said with tears running down his face. "You were the only person who made me feel like I could live without him, and all that time you knew?"

"Eric," Suzi cried when he stood up. "Please don't feel this way?! I didn't have a choice! I wanted to tell you so bad, but I couldn't because Sam... "

"You're being very emotional for no reason, Eric," I said, standing up and catching his arm as he turned to leave the room. "My mom must have programmed her so she couldn't remember it when she was with you or anyone else. She never lied to because she simply didn't know except when she was alone or with my mom or dad."

"Oh," Eric said, my calm words having penetrated his chaotic emotions to reach his intelligent self. "So she really was as miserable as I was?"

"Eric, I was even more miserable," Suzi said between tears. "You only lost Tim. I lost Tim, Joey, and Brandon," she said before placing her face between her arms on the sofa's arm rest and started to cry in earnest.

"I'm sorry, Suzi," Eric sobbed, rushing up beside her and kneeling on the floor. "I... "

Eric fell apart at that point, but accepted Suzi's embrace so they could cry together. I stood there wondering how I ever managed to put up with their emotional instability, then recalled times where I had been the one who was crying in their arms.

The nice thing about not feeling emotions was I had a lot of patience for practically everything. I calmly waited for them to settle down, then handed them the box of Kleenexes I had been holding, Eric snickering at me for doing so.

"What?" I said, not seeing what he thought was funny.

"You wouldn't understand, Timmy," Suzi said sniffing and grinning.

"What exactly is wrong with him?" Eric said after studying me a moment.

"We're not sure, exactly," Suzi said. "He doesn't seem to have any... feelings."

"She means I don't seem to experience emotions like the rest of you do. Actually, I don't consider it to be a bad thing. I can think much clearer without my emotions getting in the way."

"But what about the good ones?" Eric said, reaching up to grasp my hand.

"What about them? They were just as distracting as the bad ones, and good feelings seemed to always be followed by bad ones."

"You sound like that guy from Star Trek, Mister Spock," Eric said while peering into my eyes like Joey had. "I can't believe you won't feel anything from me doing this."

The only reason I allowed him to kiss me was because I hadn't expected him to do it like that, and even though I wanted to pull away to end the kiss, I clearly saw the damage I would do if I rejected him like that.

But the kiss only lasted a few moments, then Eric was again gazing into my eyes with a more desperate expression on his face. He looked in my eyes for several minutes without saying a word, then finally he tensed up and backed away with a colder expression than I had thought possible for his face to make.

"That's not Tim. Tim's dead," he said with conviction.

"It is Tim, Eric. He's just not... "

"I know what you said. He isn't himself. Well, you're right. He isn't himself because he isn't Tim. He does look a lot like Tim, and maybe he has some of Tim's memories, but I know... I KNOW it isn't him."

"You're being emotional again," I pointed out.

"Get out of my house, you fake," Eric said coldly.

"Eric, I know it's hard, but it really is Timmy. Just give him some time to remember... "

"Suzi, I don't want to hurt your feelings, but you and Mr. Spock need to leave now," Eric said with a rough edge to his voice. "I have chores to do."

"But Eric!" Suzi said desperately.

"I think he's right, Suzi," I said. "Let's go. He just needs time to think."

"But... " Suzi said, not resisting my hand leading her to the front door.

"Bye Suz. I'll see you at school tomorrow," Eric said with stern but a shaky voice.

"Good bye, Eric. I hope you feel... less emotional," I said before closing the door after us.

"Yeah, I bet you do," I heard him say before he let out a sob.

"Tim, we can't leave him like this," Suzi said, turning to go back inside.

"Suzi, right now your mind is clouded with your feelings for him, but if you go back inside and try to convince him I'm who I am, you'll only alienate him. Let him get over the shock, then talk to him. You had the same reaction when you kissed me and I tried to fuck you, remember?"

"I guess you're right," she sighed. "I didn't want to believe it was you, but after I calmed down, Joey and I talked and... I think I'll go over and see Joey now. Do you want me to drop you off? Or will you go with me?"

"I'll go with you," I said as she leaned into me with her arm wrapping around my back. "I still don't understand why he was so afraid of my memories returning. I know he wasn't himself, so why would I blame him for what he did?"

"You really don't, do you?" she said, stopping us and facing me. "Can I ask you something that might sound strange for me to ask?"

"I don't see why not," I said.

"Does anyone matter to you?"

"What you do mean?"

"Like, if your mom or dad, or Joey, or even me just suddenly died, would you... even care?"

"Care? Or do you mean grieve? To be honest with you, I don't know. But I'd rather not find out. I pretty sure I would miss you. Is that good enough?"

She didn't answer me right away, having gone around to the other side of her car, so I waited for her to let me in. She hesitated before unlocking my door, then looked me in the eyes like Joey and Eric had when I sat down.

"I'm sorry, Suzi, but whatever you all keep looking for in my eyes just isn't there anymore," I said calmly. "Maybe it will come back when I remember more, but right now I'd much rather not have to wait through another emotional scene before we go over to Joey's."

She stiffened from my words, then after she closed her eyes for a few moments, she started the car and pulled out without making a single sound.

"By the way," I said after a long period of silence. "Joey said a few things to me before we got on the plane that you might like to know."

"Like?" she said softly.

"He said that even while he was raping girls and planning things to get back at me, he still loved you."

"Well, he sure had a funny way of showing it," she said coldly.

"He couldn't take the chance of losing control of himself and hurt you when he was with you. He said that's why he stayed away from you. And I know you were the real reason he didn't want to come back with me."

"What do you mean, I was the reason?" she said, glancing at me for a moment before returning her eyes to the road.

"Joey said he was afraid you would hate him or fear him or something. He said he couldn't handle seeing it in your eyes. Why does everyone look for emotions in other people's eyes? I've been watching other peoples eyes ever since Joey said that, and I still haven't seen anything."

"What else did he say about me?" she said softly, ignoring my question.

"I don't think he said anything else, but when he got off the plane and saw his family was with my mom, he was going to run before they saw him, but then he saw you and didn't."

"He did? How do you know if he didn't... Oh. I guess you were linked with him."

"I was watching out of his eyes until they started tearing up. Why did you go to the airport anyway? You didn't even give him a hug like everyone else did."

"He didn't seem to want one," she said with a few sniffs. "I thought he didn't care about me anymore, but now... "

"Suzi, if you need to cry again, pull over and let me drive. I think I remember how."

"No," she said, speeding up a little. "I'm okay."

A couple of minutes later, Suzi swerved into Joey's driveway and jerked the car to a stop, her excitement making her hands shake as she pulled the keys from the ignition.

But before getting out, she looked over at me with a big smile and said, "Thanks, Timmy. For telling me, I mean."

"You're welcome," I said just as her car door slammed shut.

"Shit, Suz," Joey said from the front door. "You probably left tire marks on the driveway from the way pulled in. Why are you in such a hurry?"

"You want to know why am I in such a hurry?" she said grinning as she walked up to his face. "This is why."

Joey stumbled backwards when Suzi threw her arms over his head and kissed him with every ounce of energy she could put out. He clung to the door handle behind him with one hand until he had slid down to the ground, then used that hand to help hold her against him as they continued to exchange their passionate and loving kisses.

They didn't even stop when Margaret opened the door to see what was causing the door to creak, and they ended up blocking the door from closing when Joey laid down across the threshold, halfway in, halfway out.

"Shit, you two," Margaret said when they finally came up for air. "Next time you're going to do that, do it somewhere besides the front door. I don't want to have step over you if the house is burning down."

"Sorry, mom," Joey said turning red.

"Now get yourselves off the floor and let me close this door. Shit, you'd think we were trying to air condition the whole outdoors! Oh, I'm sorry Tim. I didn't see you there," she said after nearly closing the door in my face.

"How do you feel?" Joey said to me after giving his mom a hug for the heck of it.

"I'm fine. I wish people would stop asking me that."

"Sorry," he said giving me a friendly pat on the back.

Then he turned to Suzi and said, "I take it you two have been talking about me?"

"Look in my eyes, Joey," Suzi simply said. "What do you see in there?"

"I see... I see... " he said grinning. Then his smile disappeared and he said in complete sincerity, "I love you Suzi."

"I know that now. I'm sorry that Tim had to tell me. I should have... "

"Shhh... " Joey interrupted. "Let's forget what we did or didn't do, and just concentrate on the now. I swear to you that I have never loved another as much as I love you."

I left them in each other's arms in the hallway and joined Joey's mom in the living room watching TV.

"What' wrong, Tim? Don't you want to be with Joey and Suzi?"

"Sure I do. But right now they don't have room for someone like me."

"What do you mean they don't have room for you?" she said sitting up concerned.

"Sorry. Poor choice of words. What I mean is, they're having an emotional moment that I can't partake in. Did you get a satellite dish while I was dead?"

"What? Oh... Uhh, yes. Yes we did," she replied with difficulty.

She wanted to talk to me about my problem, but like so many others, she felt it was inappropriate and was hesitant to do so. But then she remembered who it was she was talking too, the little boy who had asked her so many questions that had required frank answers from her, and so she decided it was time to collect on some frank answers of her own.

"Tim, your mother told me you were having troubles with feeling emotions, but I never... Do you feel any at all?"

"Unfortunately, yes. But I'm working on eliminating it."

"What? Why?"

"Because... Well, right now I'd love to have sex with my best friend's mother, and I know that isn't something I should do."

"You're serious, aren't you?" she stammered.

"Of course I'm serious," I said, finding the movie uninteresting as my arousal continued to grow. "I don't remember, but have we ever fucked?"

She studied me a few moments, then looked down the hall finding Suzi and Joey had disappeared.

"Not properly, no," she said in a hushed voice. "I've had dreams... nightmares really, where you or Joey changed me back into that creature... I'm sorry, Tim. I keep forgetting you don't remember a lot of these things."

"That's okay," I said flatly. "I'm used to it."

"You left some pretty big shoes to fill, so don't let yourself get swamped by it all when you start feeling like your old self. Joey, Suzi, Tom and I have all gone through it, so you can always talk to one of us if you need to, okay?"

"Thanks, Mrs. Con... ner... " I said just as my awareness began sensing something.

"Tim, what's the matter?" she said with rising concern.

"I think... I think I better find... Joey."

I nearly stumbled out of the room while my mind continued picking up... movement of some kind, movement that wasn't there.

"Joey," I called strongly yet not panicky. "JOEY!"

I heard his reply, then a door opened from down the hall just as I started to become disorientated.

"Tim, what's wrong?!" Joey said as I dazedly sank to the floor.

"I... don't know... I'm dizzy and... I keep... feeling something... Lot's of somethings... floating around my... and your head... In your head... "

"Awe shit," Joey said, realizing what was happening. "Tim, listen to me. You're going to start seeing the symbols, but I want you to promise me you won't lose yourself in watching them. You pay attention to what your other senses are telling you, you got that?"

"Yeah, I got that. So... So this is normal?"

"I guess it is for you," he said as Suzi walked up behind him.

"What's going on?" Suzi asked. "Why are you on the floor?"

"I'm just a little... dizzy," I said before closing my eyes and giving in to the sensations which were trying to overcome me.

I don't know how long I was out of touch with the outside world, but when I came too from being engulfed in a sea of symbols, I found myself in bed in a slightly familiar room.

"This isn't my room," I stated for the record before getting up and walking to the door.

"This is Joey's room," I continued to say as I walked out into the hall, dressed only in my boxer shorts with a visible woody that I ignored.

"Well look who's up," Margaret said from the dinner table as I entered the kitchen.

"How do you feel?" Joey asked, putting down his fork and standing up to help me if I needed it.

"Hungry, a little stiff, but other than that, I'm fine. What is that?"

"Spaghetti," Joey's father said, "Pull up a chair, son."

"Joey, do I like spaghetti?" I asked while I grabbed a chair from the corner and sat down at the table.

"Yeah, you do. You love mom's spaghetti sauce. You used to take some sauce home with you until you figured out how to make it yourself."

"I would have thought having a preference in taste was an emotion," Tom speculated.

"I never thought of it that way, and since I definitely do not like spinach, it must be something more physical than emotional."

I took a bite, then took another, finding the taste to be somewhat familiar. It was on my third bite when I noticed everyone staring at me, so I said, "MMMM... Good," and continued to shovel it away.

I was just about to start on seconds when I started feeling a little dizzy again, and said so.

"Do you want to lay down?" Margaret said concerned.

"I don't really... want to even move... " I said, while things swirled around me.

"Shit, dad. Maybe we should have taken him home like you said," Joey said.

"Too late now," I said as I felt the movements intensify. "I'm starting to feel something else going on... Where's Suzi?" I said, trying to keep my attention on the outside world like Joey had told me to do the first time.

"Huh? She went home over an hour ago."

"Oh. I wonder if she forgot to... " I said before shuddering from the intensity of the new sensations I was feeling. "Has anyone watched the weather? I'm thinking of going sun bathing tomorrow and want to get a good tan," I randomly said with some trouble.

"I'm going to call Samantha," Margaret said, getting up.

"Tim, speak to me buddy. What's goooiiinnnggg ooonnnn... "

Time seemingly slowed to an almost stand still before my very eyes. Or more like my mind had sped up to the point where everything around me was no longer moving. In fact, I couldn't budge a muscle, even my breathing seemed to have stopped.