Part XV - 1: Un-welcome Home

I was looking forward to going back to school and being with my friends and family after the mess had been cleaned up and my promises had been fulfilled, so Eric and I packed up to go home.

On the day we originally planned to leave, another gang of bikers went past the house as we were loading the last of our stuff. I managed to 'convince' them to stop and have a beer, then while Eric was busy serving them cold ones, I was scanning their minds one by one in search for any information we could find about James.

I was in the middle of scanning this really outrageously dressed chick when I heard a couple of bikes start up, then nearly had a heart attack when I saw Eric was on one of them.

My jaw must have been dragging the ground watching Eric do wheelies and other fancy bike tricks, finding that his dad had a bike and Eric had been riding with him since he was in diapers. I watched for nearly ten minutes before remembering I was supposed to be doing something else.

Eric had been very quiet and down the entire time we packed and said our goodbyes, the only break in his mood having been the little bit of fun he had on the bike. But that biker gang hadn't run across the gang James had taken off with, and telling him that was almost as bad as when I wasn't able to locate James the first time.

During the drive home, Eric didn't speak unless spoken to, and his replies were always short, plainly indicating he wanted to be left alone. It was so unlike Eric. Usually he would be bursting at the seams with excitement by little things which everyone else just noted as interesting. His enthusiasm and easily excitable nature were probably the things I loved most about Eric at the time.

So after trying to ignore the pain he was feeling for over an hour, I suddenly couldn't take it any more. Fifteen minutes of hard thinking came up with something I hoped would take his mind off his heartache for a while.

"Hey," I said as I pulled to the shoulder of the highway. "How about you driving for a while?"

"Me?" he said startled. "Uhm, thanks, but I don't think... "

"Come on," I said opening my door. "Scoot over while I come around."

He was in the driver's seat by the time I got to the other side of the car, but when I climbed in, he said, "I don't think this is a good idea. What if we get caught? Okay. Stupid question. But still... I'm not old enough... "

He didn't say anything else since he knew I saw right through his bluffs. The prospect of driving excited him a lot, but it also made him extremely nervous, even a bit scared. So when his pleading eyes locked onto mine, I formed an empathic connection to give him some confidence.

As he felt a little surer of himself, I reinforced it by saying, "Come on, Eric. I trust you. After seeing the way you handled that motorcycle, I'd probably trust you with driving this car more than my old man. Everything will be fine. Now, push on the brake before putting it into drive, then build up some speed before you pull back onto the highway."

After a minute of waiting for the traffic to clear, I finally gave him the all clear and he carefully got the car moving. Two minutes later, Eric had a smile on his face, along with a look of deep concentration. And after about ten minutes of sitting with his muscles tensed, he started to relax.

He finally risked glancing over at me to flash me a smile, then with his eyes glued back on the road again he said "This is cool."

He had come to the point where a car passing us didn't really bother him, but a truck had noticed Eric was a bit young to be driving and had blown their damn horn. That had rattled him so much it was a wonder that he hadn't swerved off the whole highway instead of the right side slipping onto the shoulder for a few moments. Shit, I was pretty rattled myself.

I didn't argue with him when he complaining about feeling tired and wanted to quit. Eric had only driven for about forty minutes, but he had been concentrating on the road with such intensity that he was pretty worn out.

Once I was back behind the wheel, I peeled out and took us a little over 100 mph until I spotted the truck. I floored it and blew the horn in one long continuous blast, flying past the truck like it was standing still. If I hadn't been prepared to grab control of the driver's arms and hands, the truck would have gone off the road for sure.

Once the truck was well behind us, I slowed down to a more normal speed and looked over at Eric to see how he was doing.

I couldn't help but smile when I saw a little of that sparkle back in his eyes. And after we exchanged jokes about the driver's parentage, I didn't mind driving in silence while he slept the rest of the trip.

His mom and dad came out to help him with his stuff as soon as we got there, and I couldn't help but feel a bit relieved to pull out of the driveway a few minutes later. While I had welcomed his presence on our venture to the college, I also was relieved to feel the responsibility for his safety lifted off my shoulders.

But I felt oddly ill-at-ease driving home. I knew the problems I hadn't faced before running to play scientist at the college were still around, and if anything else, I was even less prepared to deal with them than when I had left. Ever since James had taken off with the bikers, I started feeling very uncertain about what I felt was good for other people. I even considered Joey being right about just making people happy with whatever I needed them to do instead of offering something in exchange and giving them the choice to do it or not.

But in my heart I knew the only life worth living was the one where you made your own decisions and choose your own paths, even if they always turned out to be the wrong ones.

I pulled into my spot in the garage and felt a little down when I found no one at home to greet me. After I unloaded my stuff into the house, I went through a pile of messages and made a few phone calls. A few minutes after hanging up, Mom called to say she would be home around nine after finishing an important business deal. When I attempted to chit chat, she apologized before telling me she couldn't talk and had to go.

When I realized she had hung up I stared at the handset for a moment before placing it in its cradle. Back in the old days, she had always put everything else on hold just to talk to me on the phone. But back then I had no one but her to talk to, and she always felt bad about never being there when I came home from school. And I admit there were times I really needed her to be there to wipe my tears away or answer the strange questions I always seemed to have.

And that made me to think about how Joey's mom had always been there when my own mom couldn't be. I'll never forget the time back in third grade she... er, okay. So I don't remember exactly what Joey and I wanted to do. But after she played it like she was going to say no, she surprised us by not only giving us the money so we could do it, but offered to take us there too.

At the time, this _thing_ Joey and I needed to do or get seemed so important to us that when Joey gave her a kiss and hug, I did too. And the part I'll never forget was how she hugged us both at the same time, making her chirpy giggling sounds she always made when giving Joey his home from school hug. I had made fun of that giggle before that day once when Joey and I were having an argument. After stirring up these memories and thinking about how much I cared about her, I'd give almost anything just to hear that giggle in my ear one last time.

Anyway, I spent about a half an hour stewing about how I had never verbally thanked her except when my mother had reminded me, and finally took a deep breath and dialed the number. I nearly hung up when Joey answered the phone, and after I had told him it was me, his reply made me wish I had.

I'm not going to try and reconstruct that minute while he used his deep personal knowledge of my soul to hurt me over the phone. When I managed to hang it up, I was sitting on the floor shaking with grief. It was as if I had lost him all over again.

I sought out Suzi's mind and was about to gently make my presence known when her mind momentarily recalled the moment she had told Brandon of her newly realized love for him. Despite her promises and intentions, my absence and Joey's need for some 'space' had finally taken their toll on her love for us. Suzi went through a week of hell after realizing she had formed the same strong feelings for Brandon as she had felt for Joey and I. And it had all come down to the fact neither of us was there to help her through that week, while Brandon was.

I was at an all time low at that point. Well, not really an all time low since I didn't have any serious thoughts of committing suicide. But even while I had been Steven's prisoner, I had never doubted that Suzi, Joey, my parents, and others needed me simply because of the love we had shared.

So for the first time in my life, I felt completely alone. No one to turn to for emotional support. I know things were not truly that way. Suzi, my mom, or probably any number of people would have dropped everything and rushed over that moment if they had known how lonely I felt. But I was depressed, and when you're depressed, you tend to overlook things that may seem very obvious later.

I spent two long hours in my room, twirling the baseball card Joey had given to me with his heart while every once in a while inhaling the faint sweet Suzi smell from a sweater she had left in my car almost a year ago.

And for a moment I found myself thinking "So this is what it feels like to have your heart broken in three."

Then after a fit of tears, I had another moment of rational thought. Something like "Now I know how Eric felt... " which only added the extra weight of the regrets I had concerning James.

I must have cried myself to sleep, for the next thing I knew, the twins were dragging me out of bed. They were so excited to see me after the two months, I had a hard time knowing which twin was which.

So after the three of us got caught up on a month full of kisses, I was almost feeling cheery. But I couldn't shake the dead feeling in my heart, and after their enthusiasm wore off, they shared my sorrow and helped me work out some of my pain.

Not even flying to school in Midge for the first time the next morning could make the dread I was feeling go away. I knew there was no way I could avoid literally having it out with Joey, and the sooner I got it over with the sooner I would feel better. And similarly the sooner Suzi and I talked face to face so I could give my blessing to her finding a new lover, the sooner Suzi could stop worrying how hurt I would be when I found out.

Okay. I admit I love showing off. And I really loved showing off Midge. I had dreamed of flying Midge to school since the day I got her. But as I felt the eyes of my fellow students watch me descend towards them, any kind of pleasure I could have gained from the moment was destroyed by the person who first recognized the noise and whose eyes had been the first to see me.

I felt so ashamed of my... pettiness. I suddenly realized how arrogant it was flying to school in my personal helicopter. It was one of those moments that everyone has when they wished they could just turn invisible. Of course I could in a sense do just that, but the one person who I wished hadn't seen me had already seen straight through me.

The disgust on Joey's face made me shiver as I sat Midge on the ground near the school's back lot. I never even noticed the huge crowd around me as Joey gave me his most hatred look from ten feet away. I was paralyzed the moment our eyes had locked on each other's, and I didn't move a muscle until he was walking away at a calm pace, flicking me off once in such a way that no one but I would have picked up on it.

The five minute bell rang a few moments later, dispersing the crowd for me. Just as I was coming to my senses, I nearly jumped out of my skin when I heard a friendly voice say, "Are you okay?"

John had to repeat his question before I released the breath I hadn't realized I had been holding the whole time.

"No, not really," I said. "But I'm glad to see I still have one friend around here."

John blinked at my statement, then said, "What do you mean? You have more friends than all of the zits I've ever had. And I've had a lot of zits."

I couldn't help but grin at him, then shook the numbness from my body and climbed out of Midge's cockpit.

John eagerly helped me secure Midge's blades and asked a thousand questions about her since he had never seen anything like her before. John had a thing for anything collectable. Coins and stamps were his two main things, but he also had a fancy for things like antique automobiles and ships of combat of all eras. Midge certainly didn't fit into the ships of combat, but she certainly had that collectable quality about her.

I think I did jump when Suzi's voice suddenly said hello behind me. I had become so involved in talking about Midge with John, I had completely dropped my guard and hadn't noticed her walk across the parking lot towards us.

There was a moment of hesitation on both our parts before we finally did manage to give each other a hug. Just smelling her and feeling her against me was too much for my broken heart to take. So instead of the warm and calm discussion I had envisioned having with her, a tear formed and fell, followed by a second, then a third. Once they had started, there was no stopping the rest.

In moments our hug became a tearfest. Several times I attempted to tell her, but she couldn't make any sense of what I was saying. She too was crying, believing she had betrayed me and that she was the sole cause of my grief.

Apparently I had completely missed Suzi telling John to get Joey, so when Joey's cold voice said, "How the mighty have fallen," every muscle in my body went stiff. Joey had been at least twenty feet away when he had said it, but I had heard it as loud and clearly as if he had said it in my ear. And I swear it echoed around in my mind for moments after he said it too.

"What's the matter? Can't bear to look at your _old_ buddy?" Joey said a moment later.

The pure hatred in his voice stabbed deep into my heart, and I opened my eyes to find Joey's intense gaze seemingly attempting to burn a hole through me. I will never understand how anyone could hate me that much while still being able to remember everything we had done together.

Suzi got over her shock first and said, "Joey, what's gotten into you?"

"Nothing. It's what had been taken out of me you should be asking about."

"I... " Suzi started but never finished as she became completely confused.

"Aren't you going to say something? Buddy old pal?" Joey sneered. "Why don't you tell them about how you hid my true feelings from me. How you programmed me to be your ideal best friend. How you turned me into your puppet, your unquestioning partner in whatever your 'conscience' allowed you to do."

"Joey! Stop this right now!" Suzi cried. "You can't possible make me believe Tim would ever... "

"It's true," I said softly but plainly. "That's what I've been trying to tell you."

Suzi's shocked expression brought the tears back to my eyes, but I overrode my nervous system and blocked any more tear signals from reaching their targets.

Suzi finally had to shake her head attempting to clear her mind of her colliding thoughts. She looked back and forth between Joey and I, then sighed and said, "Okay. What's going on?"

Her voice was so calm and open, Joey and I both found ourselves staring at her instead of each other.

"Come on. I know you two better than this. Joey, you know whatever Tim did wasn't to control you or make you his 'puppet'."

Then to me, Suzi said, "Is this why you ran off to play college boy? Something you did that you couldn't face telling us about?"

When she saw it in my face, Suzi started getting angry. "Damnit Tim! After everything we have been through, you still haven't learned that you can't keep these things to yourself! I wouldn't hide anything from either of you two even if I could. Why can't you... "

This time the look on my face told her more than what she wanted to know. Suzi and I were both kneeling on the ground with my head being held against her chest. Or at least had been until that moment. When her arms went limp and fell to her sides, I felt I was not longer welcome in her space, and promptly scuttered away.