Chapter 4

I had it now, I felt it now, and, beginning to drive, he soon gave nature such a powerful summons down to her favourite quarters, that she could no longer refuse repairing thither; all my animal spirits then rush'd mechanically to that center of attraction, and presently, inly warmed, and stirr'd as I was beyond bearing, I lost all restraint, and yielding to the force of the emotion, gave down, as mere woman, those effusions of pleasure, which, in the strictness of still faithful love, I could have wished to have held up.

Yet oh! what an immense difference did I feel between this impression of a pleasure merely animal, and struck out of the collision of the sexes by a passive bodily effect, from that sweet fury, that rage of active delight which crowns the enjoyments of a mutual love-passion, where two hearts, tenderly and truly united, club to exalt the joy, and give it a spirit and soul that bids defiance to that end which mere momentary desires generally terminate in, when they die of a surfeit of satisfaction!

Mr. H... , whom no distinctions of that sort seemed to disturb, scarce gave himself or me breathing time from the last encounter, but, as if he had task'd himself to prove that the appearances of his vigour were not signs hung out in vain, in a few minutes he was in a condition for renewing the onset; to which, preluding with a storm of kisses, he drove the same course as before, with unabated fervour; and thus, in repeated engagements, kept me constantly in exercise till dawn of morning; in all which time he made me fully sensible of the virtues of his firm texture of limbs, his square shoulders, broad chest, compact hard muscles, in short a system of namliness that might pass for no bad image of our ancient sturdy barons, when they wielded the battle-ax: whose race is now so thoroughly refin'd and frittered away into the more delicate and modern-built frame of our pap-nerv'd softlings, who are as pale, as pretty, and almost as masculine as their sisters.

Mr. H... , content, however, with having the day break upon his triumphs, delivered me up to the refreshment of a rest we both wanted, and we soon dropped into a profound sleep.

Tho' he was some time awake before me, yet did he not offer to disturb a repose he had given me so much occasion for; but on my first stirring, which was not till past ten o'clock, I was oblig'd to endure one more trial of his manhood.

About eleven, in came Mrs. Jones, with two basins of the richest soup, which her experience in these matters had mov'd her to prepare. I pass over the fulsome compliments, the cant of the decent procuress, with which she saluted us both; but tho' my blood rose at the sight of her, I supprest my emotions, and gave all my concern to reflections on what would be the consequence of this new engagement.

But Mr. H... , who penetrated my uneasiness, did not long suffer me to languish under it. He acquainted me that, having taken a solid sincere affection to me, he would begin by giving me one leading mark of it by removing me out of a house which must, for many reasons, be irksome and disagreeable to me, into convenient lodgings, where he would take all imaginable care of me; and desiring me not to have any explanations with my landlady, or be impatient till he returned, he dress'd and went out, having left me a purse with two and twenty guineas in it, being all he had about him, as he expresst it, to keep my pocket till further supplies.

As soon as he was gone, I felt the usual consequence of the first launch into vice (for my love-attachment to Charles never appear'd to me in that light). I was instantly borne away down the stream, without making back to the shore. My dreadful necessities, my gratitude, and above all, to say the plain truth, the dissipation and diversion I began to find, in this new acquaintance, from the black corroding thoughts my heart had been a prey to ever since the absence of my dear Charles, concurr'd to stun all contrary reflections. If I now thought of my first, my only charmer, it was still with the tenderness and regret of the fondest love, embitter'd with the consciousness that I was no longer worthy of him. I could have begg'd my bread with him all over the world, but wretch that I was, I had neither the virtue nor courage requisite not to outlive my separation from him!

Yet, had not my heart been thus pre-ingaged, Mr. H... might probably have been the sole master of it; but the place was full, and the force of conjunctures alone had made him the possessor of my person; the charms of which had, by the bye, been his sole object and passion, and were, of course, no foundation for a love either very delicate or very durable.

He did not return till six in the evening to take me away to my new lodgings; and my moveables being soon pack'd, and convey'd into a hackney-coach, it cost me but little regret to take my leave of a landlady whom I thought I had so much reason not to be overpleas'd with; and as for her part, she made no other difference to my staying or going, but what that of the profit created.

We soon got to the house appointed for me, which was that of a plain tradesman who, on the score of interest, was entirely at Mr. H... 's devotion, and who let him the first floor, very genteelly furnish'd, for two guineas a week, of which I was instated mistress, with a maid to attend me.

He stayed with me that evening, and we had a supper from a neighbouring tavern, after which, and a gay glass or two, the maid put me to bed. Mr. H... soon follow'd, and notwithstanding the fatigues of the preceding night, I found no quarter nor remission from him: he piqued himself, as he told me, on doing the honours of my new apartment.

The morning being pretty well advanc'd, we got to breakfast; and the ice now broke, my heart, no longer engross'd by love, began to take ease, and to please itself with such trifles as Mr. H... 's liberal liking led him to make his court to the usual vanity of our sex. Silks, laces, ear-rings, pearl-necklace, gold watch, in short, all the trinkets and articles of dress were lavishly heap'd upon me; the sense of which, if it did not create returns of love, forc'd a kind of grateful fondness something like love; a distinction it would be spoiling the pleasure of nine tenths of the keepers in the town to make, and is, I suppose, the very good reason why so few of them ever do make it.

I was now establish'd the kept mistress in form, well lodg'd, with a very sufficient allowance, and lighted up with all the lustre of dress.

Mr. H... continu'd kind and tender to me; yet, with all this, I was far from happy; for, besides my regret for my dear youth, which, though often suspended or diverted, still return'd upon me in certain melancholic, moments with redoubled violences, I wanted more society, more dissipation.

As to Mr. H... , he was so much my superior in every sense, that I felt it too much to the disadvantage of the gratitude I ow'd him. Thus he gain'd my esteem, though he could not raise my taste; I was qualify'd for no sort of conversation with him except one sort, and that is a satisfaction which leaves tiresome intervals, if not fill'd up by love, or other amusements.

Mr. H... , so experienc'd, so learned in the ways of women, numbers of whom had passed through his hands, doubtless soon perceiv'd this uneasiness, and without approving or liking me the better for it, had the complaisance to indulge me.

He made suppers at my lodgings, where he brought several companions of his pleasures, with their mistresses; and by this means I got into a circle of acquaintance that soo strip'd me of all the remains of bashfulness and modesty which might be yet left of my country education, and were, to a just taste, perhaps the greatest of my charms.

We visited one another in form, and mimic'd, as near as we could, all the miseries, the follies, and impertinences of the women of quality, in the round of which they trifle away their time, without its ever entering into their little heads that on earth there cannot subsist any thing more silly, more flat, more insipid and worthless, than, generally consider'd, their system of life is: they ought to treat the men as their tyrants, indeed! were they to condemn them to it.

But tho', amongst the kept mistresses (and I was now acquainted with a good many, besides some useful matrons, who live by their connexions with them), I hardly knew one that did not perfectly detest her keeper, and, of course, made little or no scruple of any infidelity she could safely accomplish, I had still no notion of wronging mine; for, besides that no mark of jealousy on his side induced in me the desire or gave me the provocation to play him a trick of that sort, and that his constant generosity, politeness, and tender attentions to please me forc'd a regard to him, that without affecting my heart, insur'd him my fidelity, no object had yet presented that could overcome the habitual liking I had contracted for him; and I was on the eve of obtaining, from the movements of his own voluntary generosity, a modest provision for life, when an accident happen'd which broke all the measures he had resolv'd upon in my favor.

I had now liv'd near seven months with Mr. H... , when one day returning to my lodgings from a visit in the neighbourhood, where I us'd to stay longer, I found the street door open, and the maid of the house standing at it, talking with some of her acquaintances, so that I came in without knocking; and, as I passed by, she told me Mr. H... was above. I stept up-stairs into my own bed-chamber, with no other thought than of pulling off my hat, etc., and then to wait upon him in the dining room, into which my bed-chamber had a door, as is common enough. Whilst I was untying my hat-strings, I fancied I heard my maid Hannah's voice and a sort of tussle, which raising my curiosity, I stole softly to the door, where a knot in the wood had been slipt out and afforded a very commanding peep-hole to the scene then in agitation, the actors of which had been too earnestly employ'd to hear my opening my own door, from the landing-place of the stairs, into my bed-chamber.

The first sight that struck me was Mr. H... pulling and hauling this coarse country strammel towards a couch that stood in a corner of the dining room; to which the girl made only a sort of awkward boidening resistance, crying out so loud, that I, who listened at the door, could scarce hear her: "Pray sir, don't... , let me alone... I am not for your turn... You cannot, sure, demean yourself with such a poor body as I... Lord! Sir, my mistress may come home... I must not indeed... I will cry out..." All of which did not hinder her from insensibly suffering herself to be brought to the foot of the couch, upon which a push of no mighty violence serv'd to give her a very easy fall, and my gentleman having got up his hands to the strong-hold of her VIRTUE, she, no doubt, thought it was time to give up the argument, and that all further defense would be in vain: and he, throwing her petticoats over her face, which was now as red as scarlet, discover'd a pair of stout, plump, substantial thighs, and tolerably white; he mounted them round his hips, and coming out with his drawn weapon, stuck it in the cloven spot, where he seem'd to find a less difficult entrance than perhaps he had flatter'd himself with (for, by the way, this blouze had left her place in the country, for a bastard), and, indeed, all his motions shew'd he was lodg'd pretty much at large. After he had done, his DEAREE gets up, drops her petticoats down, and smooths her apron and handkerchief. Mr. H... look'd a little silly, and taking out some money, gave it her, with an air indifferent enough, bidding her be a good girl, and say nothing.

Had I lov'd this man, it was not in nature for me to have had patience to see the whole scene through: I should have broke in and play'd the jealous princess with a vengeance. But that was not the case, my pride alone was hurt, my heart not, and I could easier win upon myself to see how far he would go, till I had no uncertainty upon my conscience.

The least delicate of all affairs of this sort being now over, I retir'd softly into my closet, where I began to consider what I should do. My first scheme, naturally, was to rush in and upbraid them; this, indeed, flatter'd my present emotions and vexations, as it would have given immediate vent to them; but, on second thoughts, not being so clear as to the consequences to be apprehended from such a step, I began to doubt whether it was not better to dissemble my discovery till a safer season, when Mr. H... should have perfected the settlement he had made overtures to me of, and which I was not to think such a violent explanation, as I was indeed not equal to the management of, could possibly forward, and might destroy. On the other hand, the provocation seem'd too gross, too flagrant, not to give me some thoughts of revenge; the very start of which idea restor'd me to perfect composure; and delighted as I was with the confus'd plan of it in my head, I was easily mistress enough of myself to support the part of ignorance I had prescrib'd to myself; and as all this circle of reflections was instantly over, I stole a tip-toe to the passage door, and opening it with a noise, pass'd for having that moment come home; and after a short pause, as if to pull off my things, I opened the door into the dining room, where I found the dowdy blowing the fire, and my faithful shepherd walking about the room and whistling, as cool and unconcern'd as if nothing had happened. I think, however, he had not much to brag of having out-dissembled me: for I kept up, nobly, the character of our sex for art, and went up to him with the same air of frankness as I had ever receiv'd him. He stayed but a little while, made some excuse for not being able to stay the evening with me, and went out.

As for the wench, she was now spoil'd, at least for my servant; and scarce eight and forty hours were gone round, before her insolence, on what had pass'd between Mr. H... and her, gave me so fair an occasion to turn her away, at a minute's warning, that not to have done it would have been the wonder: so that he could neither disapprove it nor find in it the least reason to suspect my original motive. What became of her afterwards, I know not; but generous as Mr. H... was, he undoubtedly made her amends: though, I dare answer, that he kept up no farther commerce with her of that sort; as his stooping to such a coarse morsel was only a sudden sally of lust, on seeing a wholesome-looking, buxom country-wench, and no more strange than hunger, or even a whimsical appetite's making a fling meal of neck-beef, for change of diet.

Had I consider'd this escapade of Mr. H... in no more than that light and contented myself with turning away the wench, I had thought and acted right; but, flush'd as I was with imaginary wrongs, I should have held Mr. H... to have been cheaply off, if I had not push'd my revenge farther, and repaid him, as exactly as I could for the soul of me, in the same coin.

Nor was this worthy act of justice long delay'd: I had it too much at heart. Mr. H... had, about a fortnight before, taken into his service a tenant's son, just come out of the country, a very handsome young lad scarce turn'd of nineteen, fresh as a rose, well shap'd and clever limb'd: in short, a very good excuse for any woman's liking, even tho' revenge had been out of the question; any woman, I say, who was disprejudic'd, and had wit and spirit enough to prefer a point of pleasure to a point of pride.

Mr. H... had clap'd a livery upon him; and his chief employ was, after being shewn my lodgings, to bring and carry letters or messages between his master and me; and as the situation of all kept ladies is not the fittest to inspire respect, even to the meanest of mankind, and, perhaps, less of it from the most ignorant, I could not help observing that this lad, who was, I suppose, acquainted with my relation to his master by his fellow-servants, used to eye me in that bashful confus'd way, more expressive, more moving and readier catch'd at by our sex, than any other declarations whatever: my figure had, it seems, struck him, and modest and innocent as he was, he did not himself know that the pleasure he took in looking at me was love, or desire; but his eyes, naturally wanton, and now enflam'd with passion, spoke a great deal more than he durst have imagin'd they did. Hitherto, indeed, I had only taken notice of the comeliness of the youth, but without the least design: my pride alone would have guarded me from a thought that way, had not Mr. H... 's condescension with my maid, where there was not half the temptation in point of person, set me a dangerous example; but now I began to look on this stripling as every way a delicious instrument of my design'd retaliation upon Mr. H... of an obligation for which I should have made a conscience to die in his debt.

In order then to pave the way for the accomplishment of my scheme, for two or three times that the young fellow came to me with messages, I manag'd so, as without affectation to have him admitted to my bed-side, or brought to me at my toilet, where I was dressing; and by carelessly shewing or letting him see, as if without meaning or design, sometimes my bosom rather more bare than it should be; sometimes my hair, of which I had a very fine head, in the natural flow of it while combing; sometimes a neat leg, that had unfortunately slipt its garter, which I made no scruple of tying before him, easily gave him the impressions favourable to my purpose, which I could perceive to sparkle in his eyes, and glow in his cheeks: then certain slight squeezes by the hand, as I took letters from him, did his business compleatly.

When I saw him thus mov'd, and fired for my purpose, I inflam'd him yet more, by asking him several leading questions, such as had he a mistress?... was she prettier than me?... could he love such a one as I was?... and the like; to all which the blushing simpleton answer'd to my wish, in a strain of perfect nature, perfect undebauch'd innocence, but with all the awkwardness and simplicity of countrybreeding.

When I thought I had sufficiently ripen'd him for the laudable point I had in view, one day that I expected him at a particular hour, I took care to have the coast clear for the reception I design'd him; and, as I laid it, he came to the dining-room door, tapped at it, and, on my bidding him come in, he did so, and shut the door after him. I desir'd him, then, to bolt it on the inside, pretending it would not otherwise keep shut.

I was then lying at length upon that very couch, the scene of Mr. H... 's polite joys, in an undress which was with all the art of negligence flowing loose, and in a most tempting disorder: no stay, no hoop... no incumbrance whatever. On the other hand, he stood at a little distance, that gave me a full view of a fine featur'd, shapely, healthy country lad, breathing the sweets of fresh blooming youth; his hair, which was of a perfect shining black, play'd to his face in natural side-curls, and was set out with a smart tuck-up behind; new buckskin breeches, that, clipping close, shew'd the shape of a plump, well made thigh; white stockings, garter-lac'd livery, shoulder knot, altogether compos'd a figure in which the beauties of pure flesh and blood appeared under no disgrace form the lowness of a dress, to which a certain spruce neatness seems peculiarly fitted.

I bid him come towards me and give me his letter, at the same time throwing down, carelessly, a book I had in my hands. He colour'd, and came within reach of delivering me the letter, which he held out, awkwardly enough, for me to take, with his eyes riveted on my bosom, which was, through the design'd disorder of my handkerchief, sufficiently bare, and rather shaded than hid.

I, smiling in his face, took the letter, and immediately catching gently hold of his shirt sleeve, drew him towards me, blushing, and almost trembling; for surely his extreme bashfulness, and utter inexperience, call'd for, at least, all the advances to encourage him: his body was now conveniently inclin'd towards me, and just softly chucking his smooth beardless chin, I asked him if he was afraid of a lady?... , and, with that took, and carrying his hand to my breasts, I prest it tenderly to them. They were now finely furnish'd, and rais'd in flesh, so that, panting with desire, they rose and fell, in quick heaves, under his touch: at this, the boy's eyes began to lighten with all the fires of inflam'd nature, and his cheeks flush'd with a deep scarlet: tongue-tied with joy, rapture, and bashfulness, he could not speak, but then his looks, his emotion, sufficiently satisfy'd me that my train had taken, and that I had no disappointment to fear.