Thanks to Jane Urquhart for proofreading this.

Attention: Most people will find the following transcripts of three of Dr. Homer Vargas's advice sessions extremely disturbing and offensive. No one without the direst need for help with these problems should be reading this. Children under 25 should GO AWAY!

YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

Ask Dr. Vargas

Greetings again. As those of you who have visited this website before know, I am Dr. Homer Vargas, a licensed on- line sexual therapist. The State has assigned me the rather unpleasant duty of advising unfortunate souls who are caught in the grip of various perversions of a sexual origin. While I try to give scientific answers to the questions that sinners pose to me, remember that the origin of most problems is in the heart and evil desires of an unregenerate soul. Prayer and self-flagellation will enable you to deal with most problems.

Dear Dr. Vargas,

The man I have been paired with for the last three years and I have a problem. Recently we have been assigned to produce another child, but have been having little success. Doctors say there is nothing physiologically wrong with either of us and that we should just "keep trying." We want to do our duty and therefore have been coupling frequently. Our problem is that we are beginning to develop feelings for each other. When he is coupling with me, my partner sometimes blurts out things straight out of old pornographic books like, "I love you, darling." I have said things just as bad.

I'm embarrassed to tell you this, but I think the origin of our problem is that we actually have started to enjoy the coupling process. As a matter of fact, I think my partner secretly enjoyed it all along. It sort of grew on me. I was not too worried, however, until a few nights ago. My partner has trouble with the recommended "poke and shoot" method and had been coupling with me for nearly a half hour, sawing his rather large penis in and out of me with considerable energy. Suddenly I suddenly felt a strange tingling between my legs which just grew and grew until I was spasming and bucking and screaming incoherently and passed out. I can't tell you the obscene words my partner said I shouted.

When I awoke, my partner still had his arm around me, though he was asleep. He must have delivered quite a volume of semen into me, because it was still dribbling out. Since the "saw and spasm" technique seemed to produce the most semen, we have been repeating it several times nightly. Dr. Vargas, I just don't know what to do! It feels good! I know that's wrong, but it does. And I want to keep on coupling and for that spasming to happen again and again. Please help me!

Perverted Partner

Dear Perverted:

You are wise to have written me and I am glad you have decided to seek professional help with this problem before it becomes any more ingrained. Part of your problem comes from unhealthy reading material. If you still have any of those vile old books that sought to glorify "love" and "affection" and - what was worse - even suggest that such emotions properly were associated with reproduction, destroy them immediately and tell the authorities where you got them. Mere possession of pornography, if you come forward and confess and help the police track down the purveyors of this filth, will usually be punished by only a few lashes.

As for the sensations you report during coupling, that is something that does occasionally happen to unfortunate pairs like you who have to couple repeatedly to produce your assigned offspring. The sensation itself is just a electrochemical event and, as such, is not blameworthy, however troubling it may be. Moral fault comes from actively desiring to experience the sensation as you have confessed. For this you must go to a spiritual advisor and follow his counsel regarding penance.

Since you must continue to couple if you are to produce the offspring required of you, your partner and you must find ways of making the experience truly distasteful. I suggest you schedule your couplings at the end of particularly stressful experiences, perhaps the penance your spiritual advisor will impose. "When the notion strikes" is the very worst time. Do not let your partner couple with you for more than about five minutes at a time. Insist that he master the "poke and shoot" like other men. It goes without saying that he should avoid ejaculation for several days before a coupling to improve the alacrity of his discharge.

For your part you can help by lying extremely still and keeping your legs fairly tightly closed. Splayed legs are obscene and can incite the very behavior you need to avoid. Try keeping the lights out and coupling under covers so neither you nor your partner sees too much of the other's naked flesh. Repulsive as nudity is to us rationally, during a coupling, it can excite the vilest emotions.

If you do experience "pleasurable" sensations during coupling, do not under any circumstances allow your partner to know this. Remain silent except to complain that "it hurts." You can also tell him to hurry up, you've got better things to do than lie there waiting for him to "poke" you.

Concerning the specific problem that drove you to consult me, I am afraid to tell you I believe you have experienced "orgasms." My heart goes out to you. Only a few women are so unlucky as to experience orgasm during coupling. Usually only perverts experience orgasm after prolonged stimulation of the genitals with their own or their partner's figures or - among the totally reprobate - mouth and tongue. Avoiding these vile practices enables a normal woman to go through life without having to deal with orgasms. You will just have to try harder. Going without sleep for a long period before coupling may also help. Some experts think that being too fit may contribute to experiencing orgasms. You might consider putting on an extra fifty pounds or so. At the least this will help your partner consider coupling more of the chore it was meant to be.

Remember, producing offspring should not be and does not have to be pleasant. It's up to you not to let it.

Dr. Vargas

Dear Dr. Vargas.

My partner and I are at the end of our rope. We have a female offspring who had never given us any trouble until about a year ago. She was a shy, studious, modest child. When puberty hit, she just went crazy. It began when her body began to change. Unfortunately she just does not fit the "ironing board" silhouette that most girls want. The poor thing found her mammaries growing and growing and growing. By 15 she was already up to a 32A bra and the other children in school would "moo" at her as she went by.

We suspect the social rejection had a profound effect on her. School authorities started sending us notes that she was refusing to wear her chador. One day she apparently rolled up her gown and exposed the entire expanse of flesh from the top of her socks all the way up to her calf!

More recently she had fallen in with a gang with obscure and disgusting habits. We believe that children in this group pair up -- by themselves - to study, or snack, or listen to "music." We have heard that these children -- with the acquiescence of the parents of some of these delinquents -- hold hands! We have warned our offspring that this is unhealthy, but we fear she engages in the practice, anyway.

We have tried to interest her in normal recreational sex allowed for hormone relief. Our local temple sponsors events weekly at which young males and females can couple anonymously with no danger of emotional entanglement. She refuses to attend these "orgies," as she calls them. She insists that she only wants to be with her what's-his-name.

Deeply Perplexed.

Dear Deeply,

Yours is a growing problem, but no less real and troubling for that. "'Everybody's problem' is a fool's consolation." It is possible that your offspring is just going through a phase of adolescent rebellion and has chosen romanticism and volitionism as the handiest weapons with which to lash out at adult society. Nevertheless, you are right to be upset by your offspring's behavior. Can you imagine the havoc to society if pairing decisions were left to chance and physical attraction among children? I do not want to alarm you, but it could happen. Children who spend time together holding hands can grow up to be adults who think they should choose their own mates and make coupling and reproduction into an expression of "love."