Celeste's pick as one of the 20 best of August 98

"Synopsis: The guy doesn't want to overpopulate the world, but he really likes to fuck his wife. For her part, she wants to have a very large family. She finds ways to get pregnant ... again and again and again ... In its own way this story is as "repulsive" as the pedophile and incest stories. I mean, it really isn't a good idea to overpopulate our planet, is it? But I laughed my head off while I read this story and then went in and did the big nasty with my husband."

My Josh is a man of strong principles. That's what first attracted me to him. Well, OK, that and his six-five frame, broad muscled shoulders, tight butt, gray-blue eyes and a respectable bulge between his legs. He was just the yummiest strong-principled man I had ever seen.

I met Josh at an ecological protest rally. I had ducked out from work at the diner where I waitressed to go down to the Washington Monument that afternoon. Seeing those poor little baby seals on television being killed right in front of their mothers just broke my heart. I mean, how could anybody be so CRUEL? Josh was opposed to the seal slaughter, too, but he was at the protest for lots of other reasons having to do with the corrupt capitalist system, the rapacious (what words he knew!) corporate establishment, etc.

I just nodded and gazed into his eyes in the little coffee shop after the rally. Josh talked passionately to me about pollution, resource degradation (another one!) and why married couples should not have children. Huh? He explained that a baby born in a rich country would use up an immense quantity of resources in a lifetime. That's why we had to stop the world's population explosion.

Ah, population explosion! Now there was a subject that engaged my attention. I had always known I wanted a big family. One look at Josh and I knew I'd never find a better set of genes. I began planning for Josh to help me start a little population explosion of my own.

Besides being yummy, as I have said, Josh also turned out to be brilliant (I'll bet you could already tell.) and, when I got him a little drunk, quite funny. Best of all --JACKPOT! -- Josh was a totally normal healthy male that I could turn on like pushing a button. It's no credit to me; any girl with 36D's and a 25 inch waist could have done the same, but I got him first.

Josh was a little apprehensive on our second date when I coyly suggested he could come up to my apartment for a little while. He might not have done it except during the movie, when I picked up his hand and put it inside my blouse, he felt a nice hard set of tits and no brassiere. Playing with my nipples had him almost as horny as it had me.

It probably wasn't necessary, but I didn't take any chances. Just before coming back from the kitchen with a cold beer for Josh, I ran my hand into my (surprise!) dripping pussy and painted the glass rim with my secretions. Nothing like the smell of a horny twat to get a guy's engine in gear. I had prepared for this evening by wearing a short but not too tight skirt, a frilly blouse with no bra and no panties. Of course I didn't expect a really nice boy like Josh would have his hands up between my legs in the movie, but then I didn't intend for him to be really nice boy very much longer.

You don't need a blow by blow, do you?. He drank and sniffed. I snuggled. He felt -- really well. My blouse came off and my titties got kissed. His pants came down and his prick got fondled. He diddled. I came. I spent the night fucking his brains out. When I felt him get hard again after coming in me a third time, I knew this was the man for me.

He was happy but embarrassed the next morning to realize what he'd "made me" do. (To this day the lovable hunk thinks he seduced me!) I was "in love;" I really was. It took me about another month of fucking Josh's eyeballs out, oops, of "letting him go all the way with me" for him to realize he was in love with me, too.

The positive pregnancy test helped a lot.

Josh was upset. Not that by then he didn't want to marry or that he didn't think he could support me. (He knew from the start I wasn't the career-girl type.) No, he was upset because in principle he was against couples having children. For nine months I heard anguished laments about CO2 buildup and species extinction and resource depletion, (I was learning the lingo), but there was never any thought of abortion. We agreed on that 100%.

I was about seven months pregnant before we could get the wedding organized. All of the groomsmen were Josh's friends, nice serious young men like him, so there was none of the ribaldry you might expect at wedding where the bride's belly arrived at the alter before she did. Of course all the bridesmaids were my friends and so several groomsmen lost their virginity after (one during) the wedding reception. In the following months Josh and I started getting invitations to weddings and baby showers, not always in that order.

Not surprisingly, Josh fell in love with Courtney the minute he picked her up out of my arms and for a while the environment didn't come up in our conversations very often. Josh was so sweet about washing Courtney's diapers, since he insisted on cloth, not disposable. Soon, however Josh found his principles challenged when his wife was no longer too sore to start demanding nightly reamings again. I told him not to worry, I was breast feeding Courtney, but Josh didn't trust Mother Nature to keep me from getting pregnant again. He thought I should go on the pill.

I promised him I would go see my gynecologist, but dallied long enough that when I finally did, she just sent me straight home, saying, "Next time come see me before you start screwing him again."

This time Josh was really upset. Not only had he violated his principles again, but with a second child we would have to move to a bigger apartment -- more green space consumed in urban sprawl, energy used for hot water, more heating and cooling. My second pregnancy was an ecological disaster!

You can bet that Josh was more careful after Rachel was born. This time he refused to put it in me until I was safely on the pill. I put it off a long as I could hoping he would get tired of just eating me and getting blow jobs (fat chance!), but eventually I went back to see Janet. (I knew I would become best friends with this woman.) She duly prescribed the pills, but, after I made her understand exactly what I wanted, she grinned and explained all the possible side effects.

Would you believe it? I suffered from almost every one. Sweetie that he is, Josh suffered along with me from the cramps, the headaches, the hot flashes and the nausea until he agreed that I just couldn't keep taking the pill. (I had never started.) With some fanfare I flushed the offending chemicals down the toilet. Josh was very sympathetic and said by the time I was fertile again in a couple of weeks, we would think of something. As he held me and comforted me, I felt the most delicious erection, so I knew what he was thinking of. I needed a lot of comforting that night, about four times, I recall. I felt much better the next day.

I reckon Steve must have been conceived during that night of intensive comforting. I was shocked, shocked, to discover that a woman's fertility returns so quickly after going off the pill. Josh was incredulous, but Janet explained everything to him.

When I came home from the hospital this time, Josh was adamant about protection and sent me to get a diaphragm. It was a couple of weeks of no-penetration sex (bo-ring!) before Janet could fit me with the rubber baby barrier. There was a mischievous twinkle in her eye as she admonished me, "Now don't let your lovemaking get too vigorous. If he bangs you too hard, this thing can become dislodged. Then, instead of keeping the sperm out, it keeps it in."

Good advice, but impossible to follow. I had been without real sex for so long that I just went wild. When I was on top, I bounced up and down on Josh's thick prong like a kid on a trampoline. When he was on top I cried out for him to pound my pussy harder. He is a good pounder and he did promise to obey at the altar. Josh had several mounts of guilt-free sex until the inevitable happened. I had Josh going at me really good one night when I felt the damned thing slip out of the way. One of Josh's sperm wasted no time in finding one of my eager eggs and we were on out way to having Beth.

By now Josh realized that he could no longer afford to work for "Save the Planet" and had to get a "real" job. Fortunately, he found a pretty well-paying position with the EPA. (He was such a brilliant attorney; he had his pick of jobs.) We bought a three bedroom house out in Oakton, a suburb of Washington, DC. That really violated his principles and he hated having to drive to work in an automobile instead of taking public transport. But at least he cut the grass with a rechargeable electric rather than a gasoline mower.

Naturally, Josh no longer trusted diaphragms so he resolved always to use a condom. I laid in a large supply that I purchased at the COSTCO hyper mart. Believe me, I got an envious look from the checkout girl when she saw twelve boxes of twenty. Then her eyes got big and she silently nodded when she noticed Courtney pushing Beth in her stroller with Rachel and Stevie tagging along.

You've heard the expression, "you get what you pay for?" Well, I got a great bargain buying the condoms in bulk, but they were not of the highest quality. I noticed that after Josh had been going at me for fifteen or twenty minutes, the condom got a little loose around the base of his cock. Especially when I was on top -- we both like that position -- and I was holding on to Josh's prick to keep it properly aimed, it seemed there was a danger my hand could easily brush the condom off by accident. Wouldn't you know, the very next time I was middle of my cycle that's exactly what happened! We didn't discover until the next morning that Josh had been going bareback all night long.

Josh is a really smart man (Didn't I already say that?) and he figured out the problem with the cheep condoms. Although we had only been using them about a month, he said just throw away the remaining hundred or so. I guess he couldn't figure out how to recycle them. While my belly was getting big with Roy, Josh had time to find a little place in Vermont that supplied custom made condoms guaranteed not to slip off. I really enjoyed helping Josh get his penis hard to measure for the plaster cast that was required for a nice snug fit.

What a difference quality makes! When we started fucking again a few days after I came home with Roy, I could tell there was no way these hi-tech jobs were coming off. I showed Josh just how glad I was that he could fuck me as often as he wanted without worrying about his principles There was only one problem. For some reason these new condoms were a little thicker and seemed to have too much friction. I decided they required a little external lubricant. Of course I used what we have the most of in our house -- baby oil.

Now don't laugh. You may think that everybody know what baby oil does to latex, but Josh didn't. Besides, I had his cock in my mouth at the time and I don't think he was paying a lot of attention to what I was rubbing between my legs. The next morning we found the expensive condom in tatters and that's the story of how little Ruth came into this world. Josh just shook his head in consternation as to why these accidents always seem to happen a few days after I've ovulated.

Well, now Josh gave up on condoms, too and said we would just have to use the rhythm method. He signed us up for a course that explained how to count the days, take my temperature every morning (I loved the way Josh did that!) and examine my vaginal discharge for the telltale sighs of ovulation. I figured out that the best way for Josh to examine me was with his tongue. I could usually come about three times during each examination!

The method really worked for several months, although it was hard on both of us to go for over a week sometimes without the old fashioned banging we both loved. Josh was always taking a ribbing at work for having six kids, so he was determined that we should be out of the baby business and for a few months we were.

But nothing in life is without risks. I read in a health magazine that Josh subscribes to, that one should always drink water at bedtime and I really recommend it. I don't know if it improves your metabolism, but a full bladder makes early morning sex sooo much better. It also makes you go the potty early in the morning and I like to wash, not just wipe after peeing. We learned the hard way that this really screws up the examination for ovulation as it both removes the mucus that Josh was always looking (OK, tasting) for, as well as cools off the vagina and masks the slight rise in temperature that tips you off that an egg is on the way. I sometime think Jennifer with her jet black hair like me and cool blue eyes like Josh is our most beautiful accident.

Josh had moved up in the EPA by now -- he was G-thirty something or other -- so we could afford the bigger house. Fortunately we found a really big run-down mansion in Arlington that was near the Orange Line. We were able to renovate it to accommodate our growing family. I oversaw the redesign and had the builders fix up one bedroom for the older girls -- Courtney and Rachel, one for the older boys -- Steve and Roy, one for younger girls -- Beth and Ruthie, and a baby room next to Josh's and my master bedroom. Well, I told Josh it was a 'sewing' room but we kept Jenny there while I was nursing her.

Our wedding anniversary is always like a national holiday at our house. Josh had just gotten another promotion at EPA and I decided to make our eighth something special. For some reason we couldn't celebrate it on the exact date, but I selected an alternate day and pulled out all the stops. I had arranged for my best friend Marge to take all the kids except baby Jennifer for the night. I told Josh to expect something special for just us two.

Josh's eyes almost popped when he arrive that night and saw me in my high heels, a daring red miniskirt, and see through pink blouse. OK, I admit my hips and bust are both larger than when we were first married, but after Jenny was born I worked really hard to get my waist back down to almost the same. The bulge in Josh's pants told me he liked the results.