“You know the phone’s ringing, right?”

“I can hear it, Earl.”

“Should I come over there and get it?”

“Let the machine pick up.”

“Could be important.”

“It’s been ringing like that all afternoon. It’ll be another instructor from over at the community college.”

“Why’d they be calling here?”

“To sign me up for one of their classes.”

“They think you want to go back to school?”

“Not hardly. Somebody thought they saw Mr. Maisloch, the calculus teacher, with his pecker down my throat. Now I guess it’s all over the school.”

“Did they?”

“Did they what?”

“See Mr. Maisloch with his pecker down your throat?”

“No, they most certainly did not.”

“I’m glad to hear that.”

“He’d already pulled it out.”

“How’d he manage to get it down your throat in the first place?”

“Don’t shout, I’m right here.”

“All right. I’m not shouting. How did he get his pecker down your throat?”

“It was not easy, let me tell you. Guy could use a few lessons in anatomy.”

“So, you just said to yourself, ‘it’s such a nice day, I think I’ll go over and let Mr. Maisloch stick his dick down my throat’?”

“Of course not! Don’t be gross. I went over there to talk to somebody about Peggy Pratt’s grade. It just happened to be Mr. Maisloch.”

“Peggy Pratt? The kid down the street?”

“Hardly a kid anymore. She’s working at the property management company now. Almost a year. They told her she’d get a raise and more responsibility if she took some business classes. But, she’s got to maintain a B average. Right now she’s getting a D in calc. Brings her whole average down.”

“How’d she get you involved?”

“Would you stop getting so worked up? It wasn’t like she asked me. I asked her how classes were going and she told me she wasn’t doing so well in calculus. I went over—on my own—to see if I could nudge the teacher to fix her grade.”

“And he figured he might as well get a blow job for his trouble.”

“I didn’t plan it that way. Things got a little out of hand. My plan, if you’ll let me explain, was to let Mr. Maisloch know what an asshole Peggy’s boss is, and could he take that into consideration. Kind of ooonch up her grade. It was for a good cause.”

“She couldn’t tell him that herself?”

“And have it get back to her boss she called him an asshole?”

“Okay, let her mother do it.”

“You’re not using your head, Earl. She’d be one more mama bear protecting her cub. Mr. Maisloch wouldn’t take that seriously. It had to come from somebody neutral.”

“No, I get that. I’m not seeing how Mr. Maisloch’s dick ends up in your mouth because Peggy’s boss is an asshole.”

“I said I didn’t plan it that way. I went over this morning, to catch him before classes started. I did get myself dolled up a little bit, so I’d make a good impression.”

“You could’ve called him. Save the wear and tear on your tonsils.”

“It was for a good cause. He’d see me taking the trouble to come over in person. And because they can’t hang up on you if you’re sitting right there. Anyway, I had a speech all prepared how hard Peggy worked taking care of the properties around here while she was still in high school. How she went full time the summer she graduated. How her boss is a total asshole, which, like I said, sounds better coming from me than from her.”

“The phone’s ringing again.”

“Let the machine pick up. I’m tired of answering it.”

“We’re never answering our phone again?”

“It may take a while for them to get the message and quit calling.”

“Why?”

“I’m telling you, if you’ll stop interrupting. I go over and get the room number from the admin office. I find the classroom and peek in the little side window. I can see he’s at his desk, and there’s no one else in the classroom. I march in, sit myself down, and start right away saying there’s something about Peggy he should know, how hard she’s working, doing school and the job, but before I really get rolling, he says I’m so glad to hear that, because I was afraid you planned on trading sex for a grade.”

“He just came out with it like that?”

“Just like that, yes. I was, like, whoa. But I didn’t let him see that he’d shocked me. I did smile, and said it wasn’t my plan, and he says, my apologies, no offense. I said none taken, and he says I should’ve known Peggy wouldn’t send her mom.”

“Ouch.”

“Let me tell you, that frosted me, I have to admit, because I am not nearly as old as Peggy’s mom, thank you very much. Who, I might add, had a birthday just last month. That’s all I’m saying about that. But, still, I didn’t show it. I kept my cool, smiled, you know, and crossed my legs. I gave a little tug on my skirt, and let it ride up enough so he could see I was wearing real stockings with garters, not pantyhose. Let him know what he’d be missing if I had come in, serious about some last-minute extra credit for a better grade.”

“Starting to sound like the old days.”

“I’m still miffed at him, so I asked—just making conversation, but turning it around on him, you know—I asked if a cute guy like him gets a lot of students chasing him around his desk for an A. He says, no, because they all know when it comes to extra credit, I’m not an easy grader. I make them show their work, put in the effort.”

“Which Peggy should be doing.”

“I told him I only came by to give him that background on why she’s taking the class, and what an asshole her boss is, and would any of that make a difference. Best you could get out of me, he says, is a C. But we both know that’s not enough to raise Peggy’s average. He’s thinking we’re done, and he comes out from behind the desk, resting against it, thanking me for coming by, how much he enjoys having Peggy in the class, how he appreciates my concern, yada yada yada.”

“Sounds like a nice enough fella.”

“You’re always seeing the glass half full, Earl. I could see what he was doing.”

“All right, I’m missing it. What’s he doing?”

“Throwing a challenge my way. So I start swinging my leg, my shoe slipping off my heel. The open-toed slingbacks? Just letting it dangle, you know, showing off my pedicure. Not to brag, I said to him, but back in the day, if there was an A in your pants, I’d be the one to get it out. I laugh so he knows I’m kidding, flirting with him, and he laughs, but I can see he’s hoping I’m not kidding. Probably wouldn’t stand a chance with you, he says, still laughing. I said thank you, that makes up for you thinking I was Peggy’s mom, which keeps him laughing. But he’s safe, I told him. I haven’t needed to use sex for grades since high school. I was kind of famous for my classroom participation, and we both laugh. That’s the secret, you know. Humor gets you around most people’s defenses.”

“Making me guard the door.”

“Years ago, Earl. You’ve got to let that go. Somebody had to do it, and I couldn’t be in two places at once.”

“I guess some things don’t change.”

“They don’t, I’m telling you. It all came back to me. Like riding a bike. So, I tied up my hair, and said to him, if I remember right, the most important thing about working for extra credit is showing up with—”

“—the right materials.”

“—the right materials, right.”

“I must’ve heard that line a thousand times.”

“Don’t exaggerate.”

“Okay. Nine hundred times.”

“It gets the job done. Because he scurries around behind his desk, thanking me again for coming in, saying how much he appreciated the visit. I’m guessing he’s hiding a boner, you know, and I’m not about to let it go to waste. His gradebook won’t change itself. So, I slip off my shoes, plant my bee-hind on the desk and swing around, stretching my legs out, blocking him off with my feet on the wall to either side of him. Now I’ve got him trapped between the desk and the whiteboard. Sure enough, he’s got a boner. I slide my foot along his calf and drag my finger up the bulge, while I’m unbuttoning my blouse with my other hand.”