Chapter 59: Who Provided the Referral?

December 7, 2002, Chicago, Illinois

🎤 Birgit

"You and Tomás seemed chummy last night," Tiffany observed when she, Hannah, Naomi, Leslie, Zaida, and I sat in the sauna together on Saturday after I led Dad's afternoon karate class.

"He's a nice guy," I said. "I'm hanging out with him tonight."

"'Hanging out'?" Hannah asked with a goofy smile.

"Not like that," I replied. "Well, most likely not."

"Why?" Leslie asked. "Did something happen?"

I contemplated what I should say and decided I could talk to my closest friends, well, minus Fangsu and Zahra, who were now hockey groupies, and Missy, who was at her dad's house for the weekend.

"Philip was upset because I didn't want to be exclusive," I said. "And that's what happened with Peter, too. And I was dumb about things with Bob."

"How many boys have you been with?" Zaida asked.

"Five," I replied.

"WHOA!" Zaida gasped. "Really?"

"Yes. And three girls."

"WHOA!" she gasped again. "But..."

"I know your faith objects to both of those things," I replied. "But I don't agree."

"But girls?"

"Experiments," I replied. "Two of them were just me and a girl. The other one was with a girl and a guy."

"My parents would kill me!" Zaida said. "I mean, like, literally."

"Literally?" Hannah asked. "As in, they'd really do it? Not like, 'I literally died' when you actually didn't?"

"I think my dad might because it's such a grave transgression."

"What would he say about you sitting naked in the sauna with us?" Hannah asked.

"It's girls only," Zaida replied. "He wouldn't be happy, but it's not a transgression for other girls to see me."

"The boys would be VERY happy to see you!" Hanna declared.

"Which is what worries my dad!" Zaida declared.

"That worries ALL our dads!" Naomi declared. "Sometimes I think my dad believes he can have grandchildren without me having sex!"

"I bet not!" Hannah exclaimed. "He knows you have to, and that's what bugs him!"

"Birgit's dad isn't freaked out about it," Tiffany observed. "Right Birg?"

"We're allowed to live our lives as we see fit, and Dad would never interfere unless he thought the boy was dangerous."

"YOU are the one who's dangerous!" Naomi declared. "You have your black belt, and we know what you did to that perv who put his hand on your shoulder at Water Tower Place!"

"I like older guys," I said. "But he was fat, dumb, and ugly!"

"I want an older guy for my first time," Tiffany said. "For sure."

And I knew precisely who she meant. I was positive that Dad would, so long as she wasn't dumb about it. It made me slightly jealous, wishing that could have been me, but I was positive she was making the right decision. For her, it was only a matter of when, not if, as I saw it.

"I think so, too," Naomi said.

"I have to wait for my husband, whoever he is," Zaida interjected. "Even if I think about it a lot."

"Every teenager thinks about it," Hannah declared. "That's normal. And each person has to decide when it's right for them. I'm not ready to do it, and I don't know when I will be. But it's up to me, not my dad or some religious leader."

"Or politicians," I added. "They're actually the worst because they can decide to put people in jail for having consensual sex! They claim it's about protecting me, but I don't need their help in deciding who I want to be with!"

I made air quotes when I said 'help'.

"How old was the oldest guy you were with?" Hannah asked.

"Thirty-six."

"You're planning to live with your Swedish boyfriend when you're there, right?" Naomi asked.

"No. I changed my mind about that. I'll see him a lot, but I want more freedom."

"OF COURSE YOU DO!" Tiffany exclaimed, causing the other girls to laugh.

"What are we doing after the sauna?" Hannah asked.

"Let's go shopping!" Naomi exclaimed.

Everyone quickly agreed.

🎤 Jesse

"That was really strange," Zahra said as she leaned back against me in the Jacuzzi.

"Remember what I said? If you don't like doing it, you don't have to."

"You liked it, right?"

"I did. I like using my mouth on you, too."

"Then I'll do it for you sometimes."

"Nothing would change if you don't want to. I enjoyed what we did before you did that!"

"The man is in charge," Zahra said. "So if you want me to, I will."

"As much as I like the idea of someone doing everything I want them to, I don't agree. Men and women are equal. Is it OK to ask what you didn't like?"

"It was just strange to have you in my mouth and for you to shoot. I'll do it sometimes, just not every time."

"Well, I like the taste of you, so I'll do that every time! And you seem to like it when I do that!"

"I did!" Zahra exclaimed. "Is that something everyone does?"

"I don't talk about stuff like that with my male friends, and I don't discuss what girls might do with other guys, so I only know what the book says; it says it's pretty common. But as with everything else, the only thing that matters is what your partner likes and what you like, and what you agree to do together."

"How long do you think you'll want to keep doing this?"

"For me, the only reason to stop would be if you had a boyfriend."

"I'm not allowed to date, so that won't happen," Zahra said.

"When will you be allowed?"

"When I turn eighteen. I can see you because I'm allowed to spend time with friends, and my dad trusts me because I've never argued with him about dating, and I always wear my scarf when I go out. Well, except with you!"

"But he doesn't know you're seeing me, right?"

"Just that I go to your hockey games with my friends, then have lunch. As long as I'm home by 5:00pm, there won't be any trouble. And even if they knew I was at your house, they know I do homework with Birgit most days and that I'm friends with her. Zaida's parents are much more strict. She wants to, but is afraid of what her parents might do and of what her future husband might think."

"You're not worried?"

"My parents would be severely disappointed and would insist I never see you again. I'm sure my dad would speak to your dad, too. And how would my husband know unless I told him? I won't. You want to keep doing it, right?"

"Yes."

"Again? Now?"

"Yes!"

[Rutherford, Ohio]
🎤 Steve

"I hope you don't mind that my eldest daughter brought her best friend with her," Mike said when we greeted each other at Lou's.

"I don't mind at all."

"Her name is Abigail, and she met one of your sons the day after Thanksgiving."

"That had to be Matthew."

"Allow me to introduce everyone," Mike said. "My wife, Kris; my daughters Rachel, Charlotte, and Noémie; my son, Alexi; Clarissa's spouse, Tessa; and Abigail Greene."

I greeted each of them, introduced my wives, and then introduced everyone to Emmy and Carrie. Paul introduced his kids, Michael and Jordan, then Lou personally led us all to the private dining room. He'd created a set menu with three options, one of which fit my carbohydrate-restricted diet.

"How long have you been married?" Kris asked Jessica.

"Steve, Kara, and I married on December 15th, 1985. The three of us married Suzanne on July 7th of this year."

"Not legally, obviously," I interjected. "Jessica has the marriage certificate."

"I take it you don't go to church, Mr. Adams," Abigail said.

"Please call me Steve," I replied. "I'm an agnostic and don't follow any organized religion. My eldest is Orthodox and attends a ROCOR church. The rest of the family does not. We do, on occasion, attend Paschal services, but it's been a few years."

"How did that come about?" Kris asked.

"Many, many years ago, we were exploring spirituality, and a close friend suggested checking out the Orthodox church. I appreciated the ritual and spirituality, but it didn't take, except with Jesse, my eldest."

"I met his brother last week," Abi said. "Has he really been Chelsea's boyfriend for over ten years?"

"From her perspective," I chuckled. "She said she was going to marry him when he was five and she was eight or nine. It took him a few years to come around, but it turns out she was right."

"Which of you is his mom?" Abi asked my wives.

"None!" Kara declared. "Matthew and his brother are Elyse's sons. She was never a wife. Jesse, the son we're talking about, has two moms."

"So kind of like me," Alexi observed. "But I call one 'Mom' and the other 'Aunt Tessa'."

"What do the kids call you three?" Kris asked.

"It depends on the kids," Kara replied. "All the kids call Suzanne by her name. My two call Jess and me 'Mom'; Jessica's son calls us both 'Mom', but her daughter calls her 'Mom' and me 'Kara Mom'. The other kids call us Aunt Kara and Aunt Jessica. Jesse calls his moms 'Mom One' and 'Mom Two'."

"So, Cat in the Hat?" Kris asked.

"We think that's where he got the idea," I confirmed.

"I kind of have two moms," Rachel said. "But I never met the one who had me because she died the day I was born. I was at my dad's wedding to my mom. And I went on their honeymoon!"

My wives laughed.

"We had an abbreviated honeymoon right after the wedding," Mike said. "She spent those days with my mom!"

"I hear you play in a band," Suzanne said to Mike.

"Code Blue. We got together when I was an undergrad. Well, four of us. Our fifth came along while I was in medical school, and Kris and I sing a duet at the end of every concert."

"What do you play?" Suzanne asked.

"Mostly classic rock and pop — 60s, 70s, and 80s, and I also play a balalaika."

"His balalaika is from Russia," Rachel said. "Great-grandpa Mikhail brought it with him when he left Russia."

"Is he still alive?" I asked.

"Yes," Mike replied. "He's eighty-five."

"Same age as my dad," I replied. "My mom is twenty years younger."

"My grandma is only two years younger," Mike said, "but she's not in the best of health. My Dutch grandmother is about the same age and is in excellent health. She lives in Naperville."

Two cute waitresses, one redhead, and one blonde, brought everyone's soup or salad. The redhead made eye contact and raised an eyebrow, conveying an interest. Despite the fact she was a nearly perfect 'Steve type', I felt the circumstances required that I simply let it go. I did smile, but that would, I told myself, be the limit of my response.

A bit later, after dessert, I discovered I wasn't the only one who noticed when Emmy came up to me and asked me to speak privately.

"Sherrie, the redhead, is obviously interested," she said quietly.

"Please tell me she's not one of Tim Saddler's congregation."

"No, she goes to the local Catholic church. Speaking of him, I did hear through the grapevine that Elizabeth Saddler paid you a visit!"

"Tabitha, right?"

"No smart LEO outs their CIs!" Emmy declared.

"Fallout?"

"Saddler was called in front of the Elder Board about his poor management of his family and about the straying sheep."

Which was exactly what had happened to Kent van der Meer all those years ago, and he was, essentially, fired because Sandy had become pregnant.

"Well, given he's leading them astray, I'd say that's accurate either way you want to look at it — theirs or mine."

"Mike agrees with you, obviously," Emmy said. "He put a smackdown on Saddler nearly twenty years ago, and Saddler still gives him a very wide berth."

"Something about which I am sure Mike is grateful. Changing topics, any new men in your life?"

"I'm dating a fire department lieutenant. Martin introduced us, and Carrie likes him."

"Serious?"

Emmy shrugged, "We'll see. He's a good guy, but I'm not sure I'm cut out to be married again."

"So don't. I seriously doubt that would hurt your re-election chances."

"I actually asked Tara Brooks about that, and she agrees with you."

"She has a pretty good track record, so I'd heed her advice. I actually haven't spoken to her in well over a year. She's up to her eyeballs constantly and doesn't get to Chicago, and I don't get to Pittsburgh."

"Carrie informed me if he moves in, she's allowed to have a boyfriend! That's your fault!"

"How is it my fault?!"

"Because you insisted I talk to her frankly about relationships and sex! She's twelve going on twenty!"

I chuckled, "You haven't met Birgit! She was too busy with school, friends, and karate to come on this trip, but that was an apt description of her growing up. Your job now is to gently guide her."

"Easy for you to say!"

"I have three daughters, so I have a pretty good idea. Birgit is fourteen, Stephie is twelve, and Ashley is eleven. And it's my eleven-year-old that everyone needs to watch out for! Her favorite saying is, 'I think, and I know things'."

"You should bring all your kids sometime."

"That becomes harder and harder each year as they get older and have their own lives."

"Your oldest is sixteen, right?"

"Yes, but they've been allowed to manage their own lives from the time they were toddlers."

"You're a crazy man!" Emmy exclaimed. "But it seems to work for you! Mike's kids have significant freedom, but nothing like what you're implying."

"We do tend to be outliers, though our closest friends are on the same basic program. Just remember one important point — no matter what you think, you aren't actually in control. All you have to do is remember Vickie, Elizabeth, and Tabitha."

"You're just full of good news!" Emmy declared.

"And yet, you made it clear you didn't follow your dad's wishes with regard to boys."

"Oh, shut up!" Emmy exclaimed.

"Just remember that when Carrie is sixteen."

"I have a gun and a nightstick!"

"And I hold 6th Dan in Shōtōkan. None of those things will have any effect on what our daughters, or sons in my case, decide to do. All we have is the power of persuasion, and it has to be subtle because the surest way to get a teenager to do something is..."

I paused for Emmy to answer.

"Tell them not to," she replied.

"Bingo."

We rejoined the others, and after refills of coffee or tea, we bade everyone 'good night'.

🎤 Birgit

After the debacle with Philip, the misunderstanding with Bob, and the misjudgment with Peter, I wasn't quite sure how I should act with Tomás. I was torn between having a boyfriend and having what had happened with Peter and Philip, but also, I was going to Sweden in about eighteen months, and there was no way I was going to try to maintain a long-distance, exclusive relationship with someone back home.

"No adults?" he asked when he arrived at 5:00pm.

I wanted to say that I was an adult, but I didn't want to get into a philosophical debate.

"No," I replied. "We actually have the house to ourselves. My dad, my moms, and Suzanne are in Ohio until Monday, my sisters and brother are at friends' houses, and Natalie and Yuriko are out with friends from UofC."

"My dad would never let my sisters have a guy in the house when they weren't home."

"My parents trust me to make good decisions, but they also let me decide what's best for me. Anyway, what did you want to do? You know we have a pool table, we also have around a hundred movies on DVD, at least two hundred CDs, video games, and board games. We could order pizza, Italian, Chinese, or we could go out."

"What do you want to do?" Tomás asked.

"I'm OK with anything you want to do."

"Are you sure about that?" he asked with a smirk.

I laughed, "Positive. How about we order Chinese, and we can discuss it?"

"OK!"

"Beef broccoli and cashew chicken, which we'll share, with egg rolls, white rice, and hot and sour soup?"

"Sounds good to me! I'll cover half."

"Not necessary," I said. "Dad has an account and pays at the end of the month. I'm allowed to order on his account. Let me go call."

I went to the kitchen, called in the order, then went back to the great room. I suggested we go into the Indian room, and Tomás agreed. I turned on the stereo, put in a Barenaked Ladies CD, and then we sat down in basket chairs.

"This is a cool room. What is all the stuff?"

I explained Dad's statues, the remembrance items for our friends who had died, and also let Tomás know we could eat in the Indian room.

"How long have you practiced karate?" Tomás asked.

"Since I was six," I replied. "How long have you played hockey?"

"Since I was eight. I'm that weird Latino kid who finds fútbol boring and slow!"

"My brothers like watching European and South American soccer."

"When's your birthday?"

"May 29th. Yours?"

"It was in October."

"Fifteen, right?"

"Yes. I'm a Freshman like you."

"Nobody is like me!" I giggled. "So, what did you want to do after dinner?"

"I hear you have a sauna."

"We do," I replied. "If you're game."

"Game?"

"I usually use the sauna naked."

"I, uhm, don't want to get in trouble with your dad."

"This is not an invitation, but I could invite you to spend the night in my room, and it wouldn't get you into trouble with my dad."

"NO WAY!" Tomás exclaimed in disbelief.

"Truth," I replied.

"I'm required as a red-blooded, American guy to ask how I get THAT invitation?"

"And I'm required as an intelligent young woman to insist you have an STI test for anything more than a good-night kiss. And that's true whether or not you've ever had sex."

"Is there a twenty-four-hour clinic with instant results?" Tomás asked with a grin.

"One step at a time! This is our first solo date!"

"But a naked sauna is OK?"

"We can use towels if you're uncomfortable with the idea or if you'll become VERY uncomfortable seeing me naked!"

"You think?!" Tomás asked, laughing. "How could I not?"

"Actually, guys get used to it after a few times. As my dad says, nudity does not imply sex."

"Not according to society!"

"Society pretty much always has its head up its butt!"

[Rutherford, Ohio]
🎤 Steve

"Was Emmy propositioning you?" Kara asked as we walked back to the motel.

"No. She's dating a fire department lieutenant. She was teasing me about the redhead who made eye contact and arched her eyebrow. Then we discussed the challenges of raising teenage girls."