We were standing in a crowded bar that we probably never should have stepped into in the first place. Myself, my wife, and my friend Jimmy, had gone out for drinks in San Francisco when we stumbled into a strangely working class Irish bar in North Beach. The three of us must have looked like real nerds, pale and white with our thick rimmed glasses and carefully parted hair. Of course ours was a common look for tech workers throughout the city. But this place was full of big jock types in 49ers gear with their “basic” women in tiny dresses, teetering around on heels and shouting in voices raspy from alcohol and cigarettes. It was like a throwback to another time. I couldn’t figure out how people like this could even to afford to live in the Bay Area anymore.

“Nice crowd,” grumbled Jimmy as he was shoved aside by huge indifferent guy trying to get a drink at the bar where we were standing. The interloper had his baseball cap on backwards and was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his neck.

“Yeah, maybe we should go,” I muttered, looking around nervously. I didn’t have a good feeling about this place.

“Oh shit, come on you guys,” coaxed my wife, Cindy. “I think this is fun. We never meet people like this.” She stared in fascination at two young women in micro skirts shouting right into each other’s faces like braying donkeys. They were so drunk they were swaying back and forth and a couple of beefy guys in sports gear were rubbing their mouths and eyeing them like prey.

“The mating habits of the lower classes,” said Jimmy. He had finally managed to get the tough looking woman behind the bar to serve us and he handed out our cocktails. Cindy tittered at his joke and I granted him a wry smile to acknowledge his humor.

“What are we talkin’ about, mating habits?” asked the backward baseball cap guy who had just shoved Jimmy aside. He elbowed his way between my wife and I and looked down brazenly at her chest. She was wearing one of those white milk maid style tops with a drawstring bodice and it made her boobs look huge. Well her boobs are pretty big, but this made them look bigger. She was doing a sort of hippie peasant style lately and I normally found it flattering but at this moment, I wished she had dressed more modestly.

“Um, we are having a private conversation here,” I said.

The big douchebag looked down at me with disdain. “Take it easy there, little man. Don’t get your panties in a twist, I’m just talking.” Then he looked back at my wife’s tits. “I like this top,” he told her. “It’s nice.”

Cindy blushed madly under the big jerk’s intense scrutiny. She coughed and then giggled nervously. “Uh, thanks? I guess?”

“So it kinda unties here, huh?” he asked, toying with the string tied in a bow at the center of her bodice.

“No the top here is just stretchy elastic, the string is just for show,” my wife said. She was just chatting away while this brute examined her milky white cleavage with interest.

“Oh, like this?” he asked. He tugged on the decorative bow and pulled my wife’s top open so he could look down the front.

“Hey!” gasped my wife. She slapped his hand away, and started snorting with laughter. She pushed her glasses back up and glanced up at him with a little smile that one might use with a rambunctious child while he guffawed like a big oaf.

“You can’t just, just mess around with my wife’s top like that!” I stammered. I stepped around the bigger man and wedged myself between him and Cindy. “She’s my wife!” I added and then realized that I was being redundant since I had just said that.

“Get the fuck out of my face,” he cursed. Then the ruffian literally shoved me aside so hard that I fell down against the bar. I felt tossed back like a ragdoll. Other people were pushed aside by the force of his shove and they squawked in indignation as drinks were spilled all around.

“Sydney!” shouted my wife in concern and she and Jimmy rushed to my side.

“Are you OK, buddy?” asked Jimmy as he and my wife bent down to help me.

“She got a good ass too,” commented my assailant. He was watching my wife’s rear in her snug skirt as she was bent over.

“Nobody asked you!” hissed my wife angrily over her shoulder. “Look, you hurt my husband, you brute!”

“Ah he’s fine, I could have knocked him out if I wanted. I went easy on him.” The big man shook his head and looked down at me with a suppressed grin.

“Ok, ok, what’s going on over here?” asked the bouncer. He pushed his way through the crowd. Then he recognized my attacker. “Oh hey Tommy.” My blood ran cold as I watched them exchange fist bumps. “You causing trouble?”

“Nah, dude’s clumsy, he just fell. He’s not too coordinated I guess, look at him,” said Tommy. He pursed his lips at me.

“That’s, that’s not true,” squeaked my wife in shock. She and Jimmy were hauling me clumsily back to my feet. “He pushed my husband down!” She pointed at Tommy in accusation but the bouncer was just looking at her boobs.

“She got a nice rack,” he told Tommy, ignoring my wife.

Tommy broke out laughing and started punching the bouncer’s shoulder. “That’s what I’M talkin’ ‘bout.”

“What did you say?!” cried my wife incredulously. “I’m telling you this guy assaulted my husband.”

“Yeah, I saw it,” seconded Jimmy. He wagged a finger at Tommy.

The bouncer gave us three a gravely stare and said nothing for a moment. A crowd had formed around us. “Tommy said he fell. He’s in here all the time, so ... when it comes down to ‘he said, she said’ I gotta go with my gut.”

I could feel his animosity.

“Who’s in charge around here?” demanded Jimmy. He was really indignant about this.

“I’m the manager,” shouted the tough looking woman from behind the bar. She had a low cut crop top that showed off her fake tits. “I saw the whole thing and it looked like the dork fell over.”

“That’s just not...” exclaimed my wife.

“This isn’t a tech bar sweetie,” the woman told her with malice.

And that was all. Tommy and bouncer went off to talk in the corner and crowd returned to their drinking. The show was over.

“We better get out of here,” I said.

“Are you ok?” asked Jimmy.

I patted myself down and my neck felt a little stiff from the fall but overall, I wasn’t really hurt. “Yeah, I’m fine. But this place is scary.”

“We are staying,” said Cindy. Her lips were tight with anger. I had an ominous feeling when I saw her expression. My wife was a sweet woman, very smart and kind, but she could really be stubborn. “I’m not going to let them have the last laugh and run out of here with our tails between our legs. I’m getting us more drinks.” She slipped between two big meatheads and called out the the tough manager with the boobjob.

The manager was surprised as my wife ordered, but handed over the drinks with a look of grudging respect.

“I don’t like this, Cindy,” complained Jimmy as she handed him a fresh cocktail. “We won’t get fair treatment in a place like this.”

“Let’s just go out on the back patio and see if it’s more quiet out there,” said Cindy and we followed her out. We stepped into a small courtyard with potted trees and blazing heaters. Only a couple of people were out here, smoking illegally. But we mostly had the area to ourselves. It was a surprisingly pretty scene with the all the greenery around.

“Wow, it’s actually pretty nice out here,” I admitted.

“But that guy Tommy is still here and he knows the bouncer,” whined Jimmy. He was clearly afraid and was glancing around apprehensively.

Cindy looked at Jimmy with pity. I felt a little embarrassed by my pal’s spinelessness, so I tried to show some backbone myself. “No, look, it’s comfortable out here, nice and warm. Not too many douchebags mashing into you. Cindy is right. We should stay for a bit and not let them intimidate us.”

My wife smiled at me brightly and rubbed my arm in affection. “That’s the spirit, honey. Just one drink. To show them we aren’t afraid of them.”

“Some kind of territorial pissing?” mumbled Jimmy into his drink.

“Come on Jimmy,” coaxed my wife, trying to tickle him and lighten his mood.

He cracked a smile and pushed her away. “Social signalling it is, then.” He sighed in resignation and we all stood enjoying the fresh night air. The breeze was carrying the cigarette smoke away and we could barely smell it.

I admit that I was very uptight at first and shared Jimmy’s fears, but I wanted to put on a good face for my wife to show her I was brave. After a while, the patio’s pleasant atmosphere and the effect of the alcohol lightened my mood.

“Wow, that guy Tommy was really going after my boobs,” commented Cindy. We were into our third round at that point somehow. She gripped her large bosoms in her hand and squeezed them while Jimmy looked on with interest.

“And the bouncer liked them too,” agreed Jimmy. “They are big.”

Cindy seemed to be enjoying Jimmy’s attention and she played with her titties for him a little more, bouncing them in the palms of her hands. I felt myself getting an erection and wondered if my wife was interested in a threesome with my pal and I. That would be pretty hot. “What’s the big deal? They are only mammary glands.”

“Signals of reproductive fitness,” I said with a slur. I was pretty sauced up at that point.

“Oh fuck!” said Jimmy and his face went white. “I was afraid of this.” We turned to look and saw Tommy and bouncer come out onto the patio.

“Holy shit!” shouted Tommy. “You guys are still here? I thought you left and took the nerdy slut with you.” He and the bouncer walked over quickly. They were swinging their limbs around loosely and looked drunk and ready for a conflict.

“I’m not a slut,” objected my wife. She straightened her shoulders and stood taller to confront him, but the effect was that her breasts jutted forward more.

“Oh, yeah I like when you stand like that, it’s makes them stick out more,” said Tommy. He never took his eyes off my wife’s chest while the bouncer cracked up laughing.

Cindy deflated for a moment, but then resumed her posture and even waggled her shoulders a bit, shaking her boobs defiantly. “Yeah, well, you will never get your hands on these,” she told him.

“Sure I will,” he told he smoothly. “Who’s gonna stop me?” So confident.

“I think we should go, you guys,” whimpered Jimmy. He was so afraid, that I felt ashamed of him in that moment.

“You are a big dick, you know that?” my wife blurted hotly. Her eyes were flashing now, and her dander was up.

“I have a big dick, if that’s what you mean,” he rejoined. Then he grabbed his crotch lewdly and my wife rolled her eyes with disgust.

“Why don’t you two just move along?” I said. I was so drunk that I swaggered right up to the two huge muscle men without a care in the world. I guess I was showing off for my wife.

My bravado didn’t last long. Tommy’s hand shot out with a blur and felt myself jerked practically off of my feet as he grabbed the front of my shirt and yanked me toward him.

“I could like literally smash your goddamn face in, dorkwad,” he told me. He said it in almost a friendly way and I could feel my pits growing damp with apprehension.

“Hey, hey, wait, look, don’t do that,” chattered my wife with concern. “You want to see my boobs? No big deal. Just put my husband down.” She grabbed the elastic band at the top of her bodice and pulled it down slightly to reveal more cleavage.

“Ooh, I like where this is going,” said the bouncer rubbing his palms together. He had tattoos all over the backs of his hands.

“Me too,” grunted Tommy as he tossed me aside.

I stumbled but managed not to fall this time since there was more room out here and I was able to regain my footing.

“I don’t know why men get so excited. They are just mammary glands,” repeated my wife. She gave Tommy a playful look as she pulled down her top briefly and flashed him a view of her bra.

“No, no, wait, here, let’s do this,” he strode forward and stood close to my wife. She had to tilt her head back to look him in the eye with her big doe eyes. “You let me feel up your tits and I promise not to crush your husband.”

“You know we could just call the cops you guys,” said Jimmy. He had his phone out and everything, ready to dial 911. I felt scared and intimidated, but even I thought that was overboard.

“Or we could just leave,” I offered weakly.

Cindy looked up at Tommy submissively as she answered me. “No, dear, there might not be time. We might not be able to get away. I better do what he says. I don’t want you to get hurt.”

“Yeah, but um,” I objected. It was too late. I felt my mouth go dry as I watched my wife pull the top of her bodice down and tuck it under her large boobs, exposing her lacy bra. She licked her lips as she looked up at Tommy expectantly and I felt a sharp pang of jealousy and frustration mixed with fear and somehow a bit of arousal.