Author’s Note: This story is a complete work of fiction from the get go and is intended solely for the readers to enjoy. My thanks to EasySpeak for the work of editing this story, so, that it makes sense and makes it easier to read and understand.

Preface:

This story is a tongue in cheek complete total erotic fabrication. An insane fantasy about a guy and his wife going to heaven and their exploits getting there and after they get there. The author has let his imagination run wild and you need to let your imagination run wild with the story. Be warned, its bat shit crazy so don’t piss and moan that you weren’t warned beforehand. Besides, isn’t that what fantasy is all about in the first place? Isn’t that what all of these erotic stories are all about, too, no matter what the category, Fantasy?

So, if you choose to continue to read this. He pokes lots of fun at the character, Clyde, and his exploits, his travails in getting into heaven, his damn near not getting there, his damn near getting thrown out of heaven, his chasing lots of nookie in heaven and his devious ideas of chasing, his catching and getting his share of nookie in heaven. If you don’t like this type of eroticism there are a hell of a lot more stories on this website you can choose from. If you don’t like the story just go to another one. Have at it.

I grew up with my parents and my older Sisters and later my sweet, loving wife, Chloe, telling me that there was a heaven up above and a hell down below. They always told me that in order to get to heaven I had to continually be “GOOD” and I always had to do the RIGHT thing. They forever told me that heaven was my everlasting reward and when I got to heaven I could do anything that I wanted to do.

I thought, Holy Shit, just how the hell could that be? Then I thought, ‘If I can do anything I wanted to do, I can get all the nookie I could catch in heaven. But, I thought again, “Hell, it just can’t work like that, not in goody two shoes heaven anyway.’

Well, that concept was really enticing when I was a little kid. Of course, no one has ever been able to prove the existence of heaven or hell either, one way or the other. The only way that they attempt to prove it is on the basis of logical conclusions instead of tangible evidence and proof. Of course, how could anyone provide tangible evidence of either one of them since they are both concepts of the human mind?

That is an argument that will be left to others who follow that sort of stuff. Such an argument is outside the scope of this story. And to a dedicated nookie chaser, who the hell cares anyway? To me it just stood to reason that catching all the nookie I could find would be heaven.

To most people the existence of heaven is very enticing regardless of their age and the idea of hell is very much somewhere that they really didn’t want to end up in. So most people try to lead a “GOOD” life in an effort to get to heaven and not go to hell. I always use to tease my wife, Chloe. She always tries to lead a “GOOD” life in an effort to make sure that she goes to heaven.

Let me say right up front Chloe is a damn good woman. She’s probably a hell of a lot better person than I am. I think that without doubt that is where she will go regardless of whether I get there or not.

Of course, on the other hand, she really has serious doubts about whether I’d make it there with her, though. I always thought, ‘She has a 50-50 chance of being on target about me going to heaven.’ I love her very much and our nookie is the best I’ve ever had. I really wanted to get to heaven with her and still get my nookie with her there.

She was always telling me, “Clyde, you should do these things or not do those things if you really want to go to heaven.”

I really love my wife and I have always told her, “Honey, if you go before I do that I want you to look for me to come and join you in heaven. That’s because I want to continue to get my nookie with you in heaven, Honey.

And if I go before you, I’ll wait and look for you to get to heaven because I know without a doubt that you’ll get there, too.” Maybe heaven is being able to get nookie with your loving wife after you have both passed on to that great nookie bedroom in the sky.

There was another part to that proposition and that was: “If I never show up in heaven, you’ll know that they wouldn’t let me in and they had sent me directly down below. You’ll know that my ass will roast for the rest of eternity in hell. Then I wondered if there was nookie in hell. I thought not all women would go to heaven and they would have to get their share of nookie, too.

And then you’re free to get your nookie from anyone you want to. And if I have gone before you and when you get to heaven and you can’t find me you’ll know that I never made it to heaven in the first place and you will still be free to get your nookie from whoever you take a liking to.”

Chloe never thought that was very funny as I always laughed at my own smart ass remarks. I always told her, “Those bad women that went to hell had to have nookie, also. So there is probably nookie in hell, too.” She always said, “Oh, My God, Clyde.” And she scoffed at that remark. She would always turn her back and leave the room shaking her head.

She always told me, “Clyde, I just can’t believe you and your thinking. You should not be thinking that way, Clyde. You should lead the “GOOD” life and it won’t matter who goes first since we would both end up in heaven together. And you’ll be with me for all of eternity.”

That last remark would be enough to scare a lot of guys to death anyway. Besides she said, “Only spirits go to heaven and there isn’t any nookie in heaven anyway. How can two spirits make love?”

She kind of stumped me there until I thought and told her, “They could do it with a spiritual dick and a spiritual pussy, Honey. And I think it would be even better nookie that way. Otherwise you’d need to drag your dead body with you to heaven and I’d have to drag mine along, too. And there probably isn’t enough room in heaven for all those dead bodies.” That really got to her as she stormed off shaking her head without saying another word.

I always responded to her, “Hell, if there ain’t no nookie in heaven I don’t want to go.” I continued to tell her, “That’s a little like Hank Williams Jr. saying in his song, ‘If heaven ain’t a lot like Dixie then I don’t want to go’.”

That really pissed her off and she said, “Clyde, how can you make heaven into a country song?”

“Hey, Honey I didn’t do that. It was Hank Williams Jr. I think that Hank ought to record another song that says, ‘If there ain’t no nookie in heaven then I don’t want to go.’ “That’s the only reason to go to heaven and that is to get all the nookie a guy can get. Why does anyone care about getting there anyway if there ain’t no nookie there anyhow? What kind of heaven is that without any nookie?”

She would just frown at me and say with a look of exasperation on her face, “Oh, Clyde. You, you are so insufferable.” and then she would walk away to go do something around the house in the other room. I really didn’t care because that night after one of our discussions like that I always got the best nookie we could have. And she said she always said she really loved it, as well.

I said to her, “See, Honey, there has to be nookie in heaven since it is so good.” She just rolled over, faced the other direction and went to sleep.

My wife and I had taken a vacation to South America and we had flown there on a commercial jet aircraft. We marveled at the beauty of the snow covered Andes Mountains and how high they were during our trip to our vacation city.

We stayed the two weeks there and we had a really great time vacationing and sightseeing. We had some really good food and really enjoyed the weather since it is in the Southern Hemisphere where the seasons are exactly opposite of the Northern Hemisphere.

Good God, we had some of the most fabulous food we had ever eaten. We saw some really beautiful sights and the nookie Chloe and I had while we were there was, pardon the expression, out of this world.

At the end of our stay we, of course, boarded a commercial jet aircraft for the long flight back on our return trip to our home in the USA. During the return flight it sure seemed to me that the altitude of the aircraft was not nearly as high above the mountains as it was on our trip down there. I put it out of my mind thinking that the flight crew was experienced and they really knew what they were doing. They’ll get us home safely.

However, I later looked out at the ground again and it looked like we were not more than one hundred feet above it. That scared the shit out of me looking down at the snow. The next thing I know as I was looking out the window there was one hell of a big bang almost like an explosion.

The whole aircraft shuddered violently and began breaking apart around us. The snow was only a few feet below my seat and the wings with the jet engines attached went flying off behind the body of the aircraft.

Then everything went black for I don’t know how long. When I woke up my wife was laying there in her seat barely breathing, unconscious and with blood all over her. Her head was hanging down to one side with one hell of a knot on her forehead and it looked like she was barely alive. I was pinned in my seat but, my arms were free. And it was really painful for me to move my arms to do anything.

I looked at her trying to call her name, Chloe, Chloe, and I could barely speak as my chest was tightly pinned against the seat back in front of me. I reached my arm over and pulled Chloe to me and kissed her and whispered to her, “Hang on, Honey. Stay with me, Baby. We are going to make it.” Then I told her “I love you, Baby.”

But, there was no response from Chloe when I spoke to her and there was nothing that I could do to help her. She was unconscious, probably in deep shock and she was slowly and quietly slipping away in my arms. I was slowly losing my beautiful wife Chloe. I thought I wouldn’t be very far behind her either.

My beautiful wife, Chloe left me while her head and shoulders were lying limply in my arms. My precious baby, the mother of our kids, silently slipped away from me as I held her closely to me wrapped in my loving arms. I knew that she was definitely on her way directly to the pearly gates of heaven. Whether I got there or not was still in question.

The great dark shadow of death and grief washed over me like a huge unending tidal wave of the surf that never stopped. The dark shadow of death just never left me. I was totally overcome at the loss of my beautiful, loving wife, Chloe. I regretted giving her so much grief about whether there was nookie in heaven or not. I just hoped that I could find her if and when I got to heaven with her if I ever got there.

I just said, “God please forgive me for all of the teasing I ever gave my sweet, beautiful Chloe. Especially, for teasing her about us going to get nookie in heaven. I never did it out of or with any malice. All of my teasing of her was because I loved her so much and I really loved our nookie.” I thought that I was never going to see her again and who would take care of our kids? And would I really be able to get any nookie in hell?

Looking around the cabin I could see the plane was a total wreck with big gashes and cracks in the overhead and the sides of the fuselage. All kinds of debris were strewn around the cabin. The cold air was flowing in and I was quickly getting cold. It was hard to breathe because of the low oxygen content at that high altitude.

I figured that it had to be over 15,000 feet or maybe even much higher than that. It was either snowing or the wind was drifting the snow. I thought that soon the aircraft would be completely covered with snow one way or another.

Then I looked around at the other passenger seats to see if there was anyone else alive. But, there did not seem to be anyone else alive and moving. I couldn’t even hear anyone moaning or crying. I don’t know how I managed to live through this crash. I think that I was the only person to survive the crash and I was totally concerned that I would not last much longer in that cold air anyway.

I knew that if this plane had hit a mountain side at this altitude it would take days or maybe even weeks if ever for rescue crews to get here. And I will have long ago died of my injuries and / or frozen to death before rescue crews could possibly have gotten here if ever. I remembered hearing about a plane that hit the mountain back just after WWII and it wasn’t found again for over 50 years.

There was a program on TV about an airliner that hit the side of the mountain and it was not found until many years later. I thought we could just become part of the mountain snow cap. I just held Chloe in my arms and cried for her and awaited the end. Night fall came, it was totally black and I finally slowly went to eternal sleep. Nookie heaven here I come, I hope.

The next thing I knew, I was in a huge group of other people walking down this really long dark hall and there was a huge set of iron gates up ahead of us. We walked through the iron gates into a huge room that had signs on all four walls. I was standing in this big hall and the signs on the walls that said, “Purgatory”.

It dawned on me from my childhood training that purgatory was some kind of a half way point between heaven and hell. That was the place where you had a 50-50 chance of going up to heaven or down to roast your ass off for eternity. Chloe was right I had a 50-50 chance of making it to heaven after all. How could she be so right in her estimate of where I was going?

Some people were sent here because they had to pay their punishment before they could go to heaven. Or they had to take the red elevator down to the Negative 100 floor with the fiery furnaces. I guess that I was there to pay for my incessantly teasing my beloved wife Chloe about who got to heaven first and if there was nookie in heaven.

And damn, I quickly began to feel awfully hot. They always used to tell us that Purgatory was a warm up to prepare you for hell if that was your ultimate fate. I sure hoped that I would be able to get out of here and head upstairs before too very long.

But, I was really nervous that I could still be sent down to the fiery furnaces before it was all said and done. And my ass would be fricasseed by the fires of hell for eternity.

It kind of reminded me of the last time I had jury duty. There was some dude pushing me in the back pointing with the other hand toward the center desk that said sign in. I walked over to the desk and another dude handed me a sheet of paper and a pen and told me to write my information on it.

He told me if I failed to do that I would be sitting in one of those chairs forever or until they needed the space and sent my ass to the down elevator. I’d be waiting for someone to tell me whether I was going to get up to heaven or to send my sorry ass down to hell to roast for eternity. But, I could be sent to hell as slow moving and obsolete souls.

I signed in and handed the paper back to the dude at the desk and was told to go grab a seat somewhere, “sucker”, and wait for someone to call me. It was really hot in here and I wondered if this was somewhat like what hell really was like or worse. The sweat was really pouring off of me and it was really hard for me to breathe.

And the smell in there wasn’t all that great either. There were some god awful skaggy looking women in the room too. I just had to think if that was the nookie prospects in hell, I was in for a really bad time. And I said to myself, ‘God, help me and my sorry ass if I’m sent down to hell.’

Sometime maybe a day or maybe a year or maybe 100 years, who knew, some dude came by and called my name. He told me, “You have served your purgatory time and you can take the blue elevator up to heaven.” as he handed me a slip of paper. Without looking at it, I stuffed the piece of paper into my wet shirt pocket.

Then I got on the blue elevator. I figured the blue elevator was for Blue Heaven and the red elevator was for the red fires of hell. I didn’t really know and I really didn’t want to question it. I was just happy it wasn’t the red elevator to roast my sorry ass for eternity in the fiery furnaces of Satan and hell.

The elevator was traveling so fast there was a whole lot of wind on the elevator since it was moving so fast and I saw the paper fly out of my pocket, out of the elevator and it disappeared. The elevator soon stopped, the door opened and the view in front of me was magnificently beautiful.

Right there in front of me was a big golden wall and a set of huge pearly gates. There was a guy with a halo and wings coming out of his shoulders sitting out in front of the pearly gates at a desk. He motioned for me to come over there to his desk. I just had to think, ‘Damn, those wings coming out of his shoulders have to be a real pain in the ass. Then I had to rethink that, the wings were attached a little higher up than that.

I walked over to him and he asked my name. I told him, “My name is Clyde.”

Then he asked me, “What is your registration number?”

I told him, “I don’t have a registration number.”

He looked as exasperated as hell and then he asked, “Didn’t the dude down below give you a piece of paper with a registration number on it?”

“He gave me a piece of paper but I didn’t look at what was on it and besides I put it into my shirt pocket and it blew out with the wind in the elevator. I just thought that it was an exit paper receipt.”

The guy then said, “You don’t get through the pearly gates without your registration number, Dummy. If we can’t establish your identity with your registration number then you’ll have to take the red elevator down to the Negative 100 floor with Satan.

They don’t care about registration numbers down there. You’ll just be new fodder for their furnaces. There, you’re going to roast for eternity. You should have hung onto that piece of paper for all eternity, you dumb jerk.”

Then I thought, “Holy shit, Chloe was right all along. My sweet ass was going to roast in hell for all eternity just like she said I would and I’d never get to see her again. That was when I started to cry at the thought of never seeing my Chloe again. And I would never again get a piece of her sweet nookie with her ever again either.

I had my last piece of sweet nookie with her just before we left the hotel to catch our plane flight headed home. I asked the guy, “Can’t you call the guy down there in purgatory and ask him what my number is?”

He just replied, “Naaaah, we don’t have communications with them down below anymore. The wires keep burning up and melting between here and there. Do you have anyone behind the pearly gates that can come to the window and vouch for you?”

“I think my wife is probably here. She kicked the bucket a few hours before I did. And I know that she has to have made it up here already.”

He said, “Hmmmmmmmmmm, That would be over 1,000 years ago now in your earth time.”

Then he said, “What is her registration number?” I said, “Shit, I ain’t got a fucking clue, dude.”

His face got red and he told me not to use that kind of language here again or it’s the red elevator for your sorry ass, Dude. Sabe, Hombre? Well what is her name maybe we can trace her that way?”

I told him, “Her name is Chloe.”

He immediately reached for and picked up the phone, hit several buttons and said, “Gabe, this is the gate and there is some smart mouth dork here by the name of Clyde who has lost his registration number from purgatory. He thinks that his wife is up here. He only has her name and he doesn’t have her registration number either.

Do you think that you can trace her on your computer? Ok, call me back when you find something.” Then he motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs in the row of chairs with the sign above them marked, “Pending: Up Or Down.”

I walked over and sat down in one of the chairs and I sat, and I sat, and I sat for one hell (Oops I am not supposed to use that word up here.) heck of a long time. I watched a huge number of shift changes at the desk for what seemed to me to be about two weeks and I thought that they were never going to call my name. I saw the dude send a bunch of skaggs and dorks to the red elevator.

There, the sliding doors of the red elevator opened and a big fiery red hand reached out grabbed them by the throat. The red hand pulled their sorry ass into the elevator with flames leaping out of the door and they were gone in the blink of an eye.

I thought to myself, ‘Shit that could happen to me if they can’t find Chloe. God help my sorry ass. I sure hope that Chloe is not still pissed about all of the teasing I gave her all of our married life about nookie in heaven. If she wanted to, she could send my sweet ass sliding right into and down the red elevator.’