Chapter 4

Prim and Proper?

21 November 2019

Never show your underwear. Sit with your knees together. Never be rude. Dress appropriately.

And so it starts from puberty onwards ... which is what makes a bit of rudeness all the more attractive.

I snogged a boy yesterday. (I briefly thought of the man on the train whilst his tongue was in my mouth.) He kissed his way up to my ear and whispered, “God, I’d love to finger your cunt.” Of course, I didn’t let him, but the mere use of that word – cunt – oh wow.

Last night, I played with myself in bed, running the boy’s words over and over in my mind. “Cunt ... finger your cunt...” I lay on top of the sheets with my legs open. How rude is that? Showing my ‘cunt’, letting it be seen, emerging from its hiding place between my legs. I think sex for a girl is a statement in vulnerability. We have something inside us, invading us; oh, but it’s a welcome invader to be sure.

My masturbatory fantasies are not usually fuelled by porn (I feel like most of it is staged anyway and has nothing to do with the real world) but by what I would like to happen to me. And believe me, I have very varied fantasies. I get very horny every time a group of my girlfriends and I have sex talks. I love hearing about what others have done, either to themselves or with someone else.

Confession time: two years ago, I asked my best friend if I could watch her masturbate. Not to join in, not even to play with myself, but just to watch. My heart pounded when she agreed. She stripped totally naked and lay on her bed, while I sat in her armchair in a growing puddle of my own making. I adored watching her make love to herself: each tiny movement; each caress; each tender touch. And I loved the transition when tenderness gave way to urgency, and almost to roughness.

No, not almost roughness. She was rough, finger-fucking herself violently.

After she had come, I asked her what was in her mind. She told me it started with her imagining that she was being gently caressed by her boyfriend, but that as she got closer her fantasy had changed to her “lying on a bed in a large room full of people all watching. A man stepped out of the audience and forcibly fucked me.”

I asked outright: “You mean you fantasised about being ... raped?”

She said, “Well, in a way. It’s difficult to describe. Not raped, but craving it, if that makes sense.”

Strangely, to me, it did. We are complicated beings aren’t we?

She had no embarrassment about being naked with me. In my experience, girls don’t seem to mind being naked around each other. That said, I wasn’t brave enough to rub one out in front of her.

The $64,000 Question: Have I done anything with another girl? Yes – kind of. I rubbed a friend off during a sleepover through her panties. We were goofing around, talking about a film we had seen and she was saying how sexy she found one of the actors. I pushed her onto her back and said, “So you’d let him kiss you and do this?” I gave her a quick kiss on the lips and stroked her panties. She whispered “Don’t stop,” so ... well ... I didn’t. I kept kissing her and rubbing her pussy through her underwear until she orgasmed. Then she returned the favour.

The boy I made out with yesterday asked me if I’d ever done anything with my sister. I told him, “Not exactly.” Weird answer, huh? That’s all I would tell him. But here’s the truth of it:

My sister and I are very close. (She’s the epitome of ‘prim and proper’.) I have lesbian fantasies, and for a while, I used my own panties to imagine the scent and taste of another girl with me. But I know my own scent and taste too well for it to be convincing. One night, perhaps a year ago, I was really antsy. I had tried to masturbate, but couldn’t get myself off properly. Smelling and tasting myself just didn’t do it, so I took a pair of my sister’s panties from the hamper.

I didn’t have her in my head, but the difference in the scent and taste got me over the line. Several times. Deep down, I knew this was somewhat incestuous, and that I was pretty much licking my own sister’s pussy, but I was thinking about another girl.

Complicated, huh?