Episode 5: Steel Wool

Garrison Dhorne woke up to the scent of eggs and bacon.

A new day would begin after a hearty breakfast. It had been a good long while since he had indulged in a home cooked meal. No chef himself it was either a hotel mess, military rations, or fast-food frenzy. How he kept in shape was anyone’s guess. Definitely not steroids!

Nostrils keen, even the aroma of freshly squeezed orange juice tempted his fight to sleep in another hour. Hearing the door to his room open he gently fluttered his eyelids. Nora Jean was welcoming him home properly. In his dreams that is. Ignoring the breakfast trays light jingle on a bedside stand he resisted the light and pulled his pillow over his head. As scrumptious as it all smelled that extra hour sounded more delicious than any toast and jam.

Rolling over onto his stomach relaxed his aching lower back. The pain was growing more intense but tough guy knew that there were more important things to get resolved than a continual muscle spasm. Namely dealing with today’s exorcism. Purging the demons of his past was a priority if he ever wanted to start any born-again new life. Groaning he tried not to think about it.

Feeling an extra weight on his mattress he opened one eye while still beneath the pillow. He feigned knowing of his intruder and although not a Godly man he prayed that he was wrong. Warm hands lightly touched his shoulders causing him to open his remaining eye. His thoughts plagued his decision to wait and see. There was no scent of expensive perfume as he would have expected from her. Nor would he really understand why she would want to touch him other than to make him regret leaving his family. Maybe Nora Jean’s sister got in early. Perhaps she was lonely and missing her recently deceased husband Donatello.

Darting his eyes from side to side he contained a shiver at the gentle fingers creeping down at a timid pace ending on his butt cheek. Bare at that! Finally, the pillow was lifted. “Hold yer horses right there, Nina Lou. Just ain’t right this being Nora’s old bedroom.”

He rolled over as a tongue began to flick the back of his neck followed by a light kiss. “I said put yer Filly in Philly.” His worst nightmare realized Garrison Ozymandias Dhorne leaped out of bed snatching up his pillow to cover his dangling manhood. “Geezus Christ! Trinity?”

He winced painfully as the ancient housekeeper lay there on his bed in a seductive pose, naked as a grisly ole’ jaybird to make it worse. She went so far as to pry her sawdust twat apart in ready for him. “Come on back to bed ya, Redneck Rooster. Momma’s eggs need layin’!”

Pacing the room on his side of the bed Oz grimaced at how his usual lack of deduction hadn’t warned him of this particular intruder. No scent of Ben Gay to assist in recognition sucked ass. Glancing back at her he observed the old bat pucker up for a kiss with ruby red lips. “Put that pucker away Trinity before ya swallow yer partial plate. Get on outta here.”

The woman cackled as she swept aside curls of sparse red hair away from her ear. A chill overcame Dhorne as he recalled lips touching the back of his neck obviously leaving red lipstick in its wake. Quickly reaching behind his neck he diligently rubbed it off. “That there’s the kiss of the spider woman. Go on and dust those cobwebs outta yer backside before I tell Gus and Babs.”

“Go ahead and tell ‘em. I don’t give a rats patootie. What are they gonna do? Fire me? Let ‘em put this workhorse out to pasture. Who needs ‘em.”

He rolled his eyes and carefully shuffled around the foot of the bed to kick her house slippers toward her.

“Get yer horseshoes on and gallop.”

“Why don’t ya hang ‘em over the doorway ya might get lucky.”

Even under duress Dhorne found her amusing at her age but kept his laughter to himself. “Come on now Trinity this here ain’t funny.”

She sat up spreading her legs as far apart as her limbs allowed as he covered his eyes. “Stop right there before Gus finds out where ya hid his Bentley.”

Reaching over Trinity tugged on his pillow almost removing it from his fingers, “What ya afraid of MASTER? A little pussy?”

Dhorne yanked his pillow from her nimble fingers with a growl. “Ain’t nothin’ little about that pussy. Why don’t ya gather yer ball of yarn and knit you a body bag.”

She no more than stood up than a voice bellowed from the doorway. “Oh, Good Lord! Ozymandias you will give that poor woman a heart attack.”

“Me? Bedusa’s gonna turn my ass to stone.”

He whirled around to avoid his mother-in-law from seeing his bare butt only to feel a hearty slap on his left butt cheek. Trinity busted into laughter to be followed by Babs LeGend as Dhorne pivoted from one viewpoint to the next, “This ain’t funny, the revolvin’ door is gettin’ a workout. Knock it off!”

He felt Trinity catch him off guard mid-swivel, slapping the pillow from his hand. “There I knocked it off.” She stood back taking him all in then grimaced. “That’s all ya got? I don’t know what Nora saw in ya.”

Oz looked straight down at himself with a weird expression, “HEY! Nora loved Junior. Besides it ain’t tippin’ the Richter scale quakin’ over you.”

Bab’s stepped in escorting Trinity out but took the time to pat Dhorne on the back, “Don’t be upset Garrison. Nora said nothing but good things about Junior. Eat your breakfast and shower. Nina called; her limousine is leaving for Bartlett as we speak.”

“That supposed to whet my appetite?”

“Wets mine!” Trinity pulled free of Barbara and went to her knees before she could react. Spry old bird! Mouth wide she actually captured Garrison’s penis between her lips long enough to be felt. Dhorne quickly backed up but certainly felt that pucker pop. Red lipstick on his crown he slapped his forehead and ran for the ensuite to hurl.

“Some master you are!”

Defeated, Barbara abandoned both of them. Trinity was far too headstrong to battle. At least Oz was in the bathroom with the door locked. Trinity had a good cackle and realized she didn’t have help getting up. “I wonder if Life Alert is horny today?” Of course, that trigger was in her room. The crawl was brutal.

An hour later Garrison Dhorne was refreshed and laughing about his earlier escapade. Decked out in pale jeans and a red polo shirt he stepped through the back door to see his father-in-law Gus LeGend reading his morning paper. Big Daddy was distracted skimming stories with his glasses on while Babs was pelting golf balls from a putting green out toward the lake. By now there were probably a million golf balls on the lake bottom. Bought by the bulk the millionaires truly were wasteful.

Strolling toward them Garrison noted quite a few early morning boaters. While most were sailing there was a specific annoyance with a motorboat. A band of young adults hollering in the early morning with obscenities directed toward Babs LeGend. Kids these days!

“Careful, Babs! Yer foreplay might take out that there water skier.”

She halts in her sway to smile at him, “You’re much more presentable Garrison. I trust Trinity has not scarred you for life.”

“Nah!” He chuckled sitting down in a patio chair. “Day’s young even if yer maid ain’t. Speaking of scars. What’s Nina’s ETA?”

Babs scowled at Oz after placing a golf ball on a tee. “I know that Nina is hardly your favorite person Garrison but we both know that Nora wanted Connor to go to Nina should anything happen to either of you. When Donatello passed away it was very hard on her being a single guardian. It was more than she could handle if we are being honest. Connor’s stay with us was far too unpredictable. After the third time running away, we were forced to make Nina honor Nora’s wishes. Military school was her only outlet. As a Man in Uniform, I would think you might understand.”

Conversation warranting his attention Gus folded his paper up and rested it on the patio table. Listening intently, he poured himself a glass of apple juice from a pitcher. Eying Gus, Dhorne slouched in his seat, crossing his arms over his muscular chest as Babs again sliced a golf ball out into the waves.

“Make no mistake I do respect that, Babs. Nina and I just got off on the wrong dance floor way too many tangos. Don’t get me wrong I like Nina; I just don’t think she was responsible enough to play Momma Hen.”

Gus cleared his throat without saying a word. Absorbing the reaction Oz lowered his gaze before sitting up straight and sighing heavily. “Yer right Gus. Who am I to talk about responsibility? I couldn’t be a model father myself. I liked my career just a little too much. You gotta give me credit at least, I supported my boy without tapping into the LeGend piggy bank.”

Gus nodded affirmatively before reaching across the table for a fruit newton. “We have never questioned your abilities son. Merely your timing. We’re very proud of you for coming back to Bartlett and resuming your life here. It does however shock us that you chose Alabama over your native Tennessee.”

Dhorne closed his eyes lifting his head skyward. “I reckon this is home now. Nora’s here.” He tensed up fighting back a tear. “I can do this. It’s time to move on.”

Empathy in the moment Babs placed her club into its bag and took a seat at the table with them. “Nora would tell you that it is your decision. It always was.”

“True that!” He faintly smiled! “I gave her three wishes. She gave back two. The only thing she ever wished for was for me to be a better father then my own was. Dad was never there for DonWally and I. Always mixing it up in some useless war in some unknown country. Mom was no better with all her diplomatic stuff. Us kids spent years with Grampa Dhorne in Tennessee then military school.” He shook his head with a gentle laugh. “Reckon I’m no better. I tried for Nora. Just not hard enough I suppose.”

Babs reached across the table and stationed her palm on his forearm. “We all are welcome to second chances Garrison. You found your way into our lives and earned a spot in our circle of trust. A circle that you yourself have tightened by being you. Even taking a number of years away from your son you have maintained our faith in you.”

“Not sure how y’all could find faith. I abandoned my boy. All of ya. Nora was my ONE. I couldn’t let anyone else in, once she passed. Kin or friend.”

With encouraging eyes Babs stared at him without blinking, “Nora never abandoned you Garrison. How often have you spoken of her soul within yours? Therefore, neither of you abandoned Connor. He was forged from two very sturdy souls. Not to mention the blood of Francisco LeGend runs through his veins. He will grow to be strong and wise.”

“Garrison comes from steel in his own bloodline, Babs.” Gus grumbled a bit. “Warrior born I say.”

Chuckling over the assessment Oz lifted away from leaning on the table to flex his biceps, “Yup! That’s me the Man of Steel! Look up in the sky, it’s a bird, it’s a pain, it’s Super Ego!”

Gus found his antics amusing, adding fuel to his friendly fire, “Garrison does mean a small battalion. Ozymandias was indeed a king.”

“There!” Babs brightened up, “You, see? Royalty runs in the family. Blue blood adorns us all.” She sat up straight, “A DHORNE at that! How witty of me.”

Oz puckered up; eyebrows rising over his sunglasses. “Y’all sure know how to make a fella feel right at home.”

Before their banter could escalate any further, a speaker attached to the nearby gazebo grumbled to life fearing Trinity McGuire’s raspy voice. “Yer demon’s been exercisin’. She’s actually carrying her own bags in. Maybe I should jump into her arms and let her carry me to the lady’s room. I’m so happy to see her, I’m pissin’ all over myself.”

Gus and Babs both frowned at each other as Gus found the energy to stand up. “I’ll just go load the elephant gun and put the pachyderm out for the day.”

“Trinity or Nina?” Dhorne arches back in his chair. “Might need an extra dart for Nina.”

Babs slapped his arm for the insult toward her eldest daughter. “Behave! And please try to get along. I won’t allow any screaming Mimi’s on our doorstep.”

Dhorne stood up looking out at the lake. “Only if she wants sex and I deny her.”

Gus placed his hands over his ears. “Please I already have one headache.”

“Augustus?” Babs noted his glare her way. “Are you insinuating that Nina takes after me?”

With a grimace followed by a wink Gus turned around to see his ravishing daughter walk toward them across the yard. Arms outstretched by Gus and Nina both she dramatically called out, “Mummy! Daddy!” Nina then flipped her shoulder length auburn hair as if a drama queen. Oz did notice a change in her having lost weight and turned her loss into muscle to provide a well cared for shape. She must have had one hell of a patient fitness trainer.

Before the embrace was met the speaker crackled once more with a hideous taunt of, “DADA! DADA! Look DADA I can walk like a runway model.”

Dhorne resisted laughter until the second he looked at Babs, then he lost it. Babs made up for it with an expression of discouragement.

“Why haven’t you retired that loathsome hag?” Pouted Nina while hugging her father. “She’s the epitome of evil.”

“A pit of my own diggin’!” Dhorne whispered toward Babs who slapped his arm. She did agree though! Nina was prone to over dramatizing everything.

“We’ve been through this a dozen times.” Gus rolled his eyes. “Trinity raised me from a pup and is part of this family. Ignore her, she will have her morning sherry and pass out during The Price is Right.”

“It’s so good to see you.” Ms. Sabastion swiftly diverted her attention to Babs who came closer to claim her hug and kiss. As Babs held her daughter tightly, she dared to whisper with concern. “Contain your spirit child. Garrison is trying.” With a deep breath taken in Nina in turn kissed her mother’s cheek.

“Hello, Dear brother-in-law.”

Dhorne abruptly spread his enormous arms wide with a sly grin to coax her in. With a dreaded frown she stepped toward him just before he closed his arms in front of his chest.

“I was just showing Trinity back there how wide yer ass was.”

Nina quickly glared behind her at the elderly maid doubled over in laughter, then turned to Dhorne with a sarcastic scowl. “My ass is not big. I work out with my personal trainer Bruno four days a week. A dietitian two more days to make sure I eat correctly. I have zero body fat-- well-- two percent, but who’s counting. Give me a break, Oz. Not everybody can be a chiseled Adonis like you. Why do you thrive on making me lose my self-esteem?”

Babs slipped in patting Dhorne on the lower back. “Be still!” She inhaled the morning air with hope and guiding hands. “Find inner peace. Do I dare have Augustus intervene with a chant of OMMMM?”

“Make that OZZZZZ.” Dhorne chuckled with a cheesy grin. “It gets me a piece every time. In her! Out her! I bet yer fitness trainer had a fit. How much ya pay him to give ya inner piece?”

Babs frowned with a set of raised eyebrows. That will be enough of that. Hug your sister-in-law. Then talk as if civilized.”

Both of them maintained a sudden calm although sneering at one another. After a set of long-drawn-out exhales Oz again opened his arms wide followed by a slow narrowing of his hands, “Ight! Yer ass ain’t so big. Yer trainer sure got personal. Did he train ya to roll over and play dead?”

Nina Sabastian simply closed her eyes and began to turn away when Oz reached out to grip her wrist dragging her back into his embrace. She annoyingly resisted as his arms folded in front of her chest to cement her in his grasp. “Calm it down, Nina Lou! You know I love ya. Only cuz Nora made me, but still. Let’s take a walk and say howdy to yer sis. She misses ya!”

Nina demanded a deep breath before patting his forearm. “If you don’t mind, I would prefer to say hello on my own. You may join me in thirty minutes.”

“Oh, I may! Fair nuff!” Dhorne released her, nodding with a casual glance toward Babs and Gus. “Give her my best and tell her I’ll trim the hedges later this week. I’ll make it a family project once the boy arrives.”

“Thank you!” Nina refrained from smiling. “Now if you will all excuse me, my sister awaits.”

All of them wavered as Nina turned away and trudged along to follow a path between the LeGend property and Dhorne’s adjoining woods. Babs chose the pause in observations to step forward, offering her son-in-law a nine iron. “Take out your frustrations, Garrison.”

He accepted the club and teased her as if he was going after Nina with the club over his shoulder then halted with a wink. “I’ll corner her later in the sand trap.” They both shared a lazy chuckle as the speed boat out on the lake draw closer on their return, again spouting off obscene remarks. Oz sized up the insults with a hiss. “Tee up, Momma.”

Babs placed a golf ball on the tee beside her then stepped back to allow Oz to take a balanced stance. Noting the wind and the boats speed variation he teetered back and forth with the club awaiting his shot. At a precise moment of decision and grace, he sliced the golf ball out toward the lake with a predestined trajectory. One that landed with a resounding impact on the water skier’s hip with just enough agony to release his grip on the tow line. With a shout of surprise, they watched him tumble over in the waves and sink.

The boat slowed down in order to turn around and collect their friend, offering raised hands in their direction as if to apologize for the bobbing skier. Dhorne lifted his club in triumph, “Now that there put the wood in Tiger’s mornin’. Bettin’ they won’t be misbehavin’ an finger wavin’ around y’all no more.”

“You could have seriously hurt that young man, Garrison. How do you do it? That should have been an impossible shot.”

Dhorne lowered his sunglasses to eye her. “Sniper trainin’! Eyes on the prize! I could’ve nailed that fella with both eyes closed. Lucky for him the wind out there edged him four degrees. I was aimin’ for his own set of Dixon’s.” The brand of golf balls Bab’s had in her arsenal.

Behind them they could hear Trinity busting a gut over the misfortunate boaters. “Speakin’ of sand traps. Y’all ever think about installin’ some quicksand over a shallow grave in the east forty? Make it look like the guest house flower bed. Jus’ tell the prune ta prune the chrysanthemums. Course, be yer luck she’d call ya from China.”

“It’s so good to hear your ranting banter, Garrison. You truly have come home.”

Dhorne couldn’t agree more. With a glance back at Gus, Oz points out, “Hey Gus? You ever think of changin’ the name of yer boat from Living LeGend to the Golfin’ Dolphin? Might serve it’s porpoise.”

“I did consider christening it Nora’s Ark once. After all there were two beautiful little girls ready to shuffle aboard. Beastly girls they were.”

“We all know who put the BEST in BEaST, now don’t we?” Oz winks directly at Babs. His referral to his wife made Babs tilt her head with pride. Handing off the club, Oz gallantly bowed toward his mother-in-law. A second later his cell phones rang. “Shaved by the bell. Pardon me, Momma B!” Stepping away he answered his phone with a grin. “Dhorne on the horn. How can I honk ya?” He brightened up looking toward the sun. “Well, if it ain’t, Colonel Archibald Strong. What’s shakin’, Archway? Conjob givin’ you a hard time, is he?”

Silence overcame Dhorne as he carefully listened to the Colonel of the Military Academy his son was attending. “Counselor, huh! Lemme guess, Nina Sabastian requested him, and I settle our differences through a counseling session. Nice of her to fill me in on the terms of her giving me back sole custody. Ight, then! Send yer Shrink. I’ll honor that commitment and belly up the resentment. Bus leaves at 1:00 gets in here by 7:00. I purdy much knew the ETA but thank ya for callin’, Arch. Tell Betty and Veronica I said howdy.”