Public Law 537.2

1. Full Title

An Act to relieve the distress of involuntary celibacy, commonly referred to as “incel”.

2. Short title

This act may be cited as the “Incel Relief Act of 2037”

3. Purpose

The legislature of the State of Mississippi takes note of the condition of involuntary male celibacy. This purpose of this act is to provide relief to those suffering from this condition.

4. Definitions

An eligible man is any person who is designated a male at birth, continues to identify as male, has a functional penis, and is able to attain and sustain an erection for at least five minutes.

An eligible woman is any person who is designated a female at birth, continues to identify as female, and has a vagina and at least one ovary.

An incel is any eligible man between the ages of 18 and 50 who desires sexual intercourse, but is unable to persuade any woman to provide it.

A potential provider is any eligible woman between the ages of 22 and 45 who is not exempt as defined below.

The victim is the incel who asks a potential provider for sex and is refused.

5. Exemptions

The following persons are exempt from the requirements of this law:

Any woman who is employed as a “first responder”, as defined in Public Law 144.3. Any woman who resides in the same apartment complex as the victim, or within 1/10 mile of the accuser (if both reside in multi-unit housing) or within 2/10 mile of the accuser (if either lives in a single family home or “duplex”).
...

6. Certification

An eligible man who considers himself an incel may apply for certification. To obtain a certificate, the person claiming incel status must appear at a local office of the state Department of Motor Vehicles and certify under penalty of perjury that he has actively sought sexual intercourse and/or fellatio to orgasm but has been unable to obtain it during the past 12 months. The clerk shall verify that the applicant is polite, reasonably clean, and does not have an unpleasant body or breath odor.

Upon verification, the DMV will issue a card bearing a photograph of the incel, his date of birth, a unique number, and a copy of his thumbprint. This card shall contain the same anti-forgery and anti-duplication techniques as a Mississippi motor vehicle operator’s license or State identification card.

7. Requesting Sex

A certified incel can approach an eligible woman, show his incel ID card, and request sex. The woman is then required to either allow him vaginal intercourse or to fellate him to orgasm. She may require him to provide a suitable private location -- his residence or a rented hotel or motel room -- at his own expense.

8. Crime, Punishment

If an incel asks a potential provider for sex as provided above and she refuses to provide it, she has committed the crime of Incel Denial.

This crime is punishable by death. The incel can choose the method of death from the following list:

Guillotine Electric chair Hanging Shooting (in the back of the head) Strangling post

9. Affirmative Defenses

The following are affirmative defenses to the crime of Incel Denial:

That the accuser has an offensive breath or body odor and refuses to cure this by bathing and/or cleaning his teeth and using mouthwash. That the accuser committed the crime of assault and/or battery upon the defendant within the five years preceding the request for sex That there is a protective court order preventing the accuser from contacting or approaching the defendant at the time of the request for sex. That the defendant has provided sexual services to the accuser within the past 366 days. That the defendant has provided sexual service to any incel in the past 30 days. That the accuser has had sex with a woman during the previous 30 days.
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The trial

“Now remember,” Brooke’s lawyer whispered. “Answer questions as simply as possible. Don’t elaborate. Just answer the question exactly as asked.”

“Got it,” she whispered back.

“Case number 71826, People vs. Brooklyn Leighton, charged with violation of Public Law 537.2. All rise.”

The judge came in and sat down.

The prosecutor stood up. “Duane Stanley, ready for the prosecution.”

“Nevil Audley, ready for the defense.”

Judge Tellet said, “Both sides have waived the right to a jury trial and provided opening statements in writing. The prosecution may call its first witness.”

“We call Reynold Causey.”

A tall man in a business suit stood up and walked to the witness chair. The clerk turned to him. “Raise your right hand. (pause) Do you solemnly swear that the testimony you are about to give shall be the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth?”

“I do.”

“Please tell the court about your attempt obtain sex on October 10, 2051,” the prosecutor asked.

“I was walking home from work on 27th Avenue when I saw a good-looking woman. At least an 8. I thought it would be nice to get laid by her, so I approached her.”

“Do you see that woman in the courtroom?”

“Yes. There she is.” Reynold pointed at Brooke.

“And what happened then?”

“I told her that I was an incel, and showed her my ID card. She offered to give me a blowjob, and asked me to provide a suitable place. I had already rented a room at the Bingham Motor Inn, so we went there. I took off my clothes, and a few minutes later I thought I’d gotten really lucky. She didn’t just put her mouth around me and start sucking: she spent a while necking with me, French kissing, nibbling my ears, things like that. And then she removed her blouse and let me play with her tits, and even took off her bra and let me kiss her nips. Then she kissed her way down my belly, took me in her mouth, and started sucking me. A really good blowjob, not a 2-minute wonder.”

“And then what happened?”

“She bit me!”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. Ask her.”

The prosecutor looked at Brooke’s lawyer, expecting an objection, but there was none.

“And did she bring you to orgasm?”

“No, she did not. She just got dressed and stormed out of the room.”

The prosecutor handed a stiff plastic card to Causey. “One last question: is this your Incel ID card?”

Causey glanced at it. “It is.”

“We wish to mark this card as state’s exhibit A.”

“Stipulated,” Brooke’s lawyer said.

The clerk took the card and put it on his desk.

Brooke’s lawyer stood up. “The defense reserves cross-examination for later.”

“The witness may stand down,” the clerk said. “Please wait outside the courtroom; you may be called again.”

“Prosecution rests.”

“Defense calls Brooklyn Leighton.”

Brooke got up, walked to the witness chair, and took the oath.

“Ms. Leighton, could you briefly describe your initial encounter with Mr. Causey?”

“Certainly. I was out shopping for some new clothes.”

“And what happened?”

“Mr. Causey approached me, gave me his Incel ID, and asked me for sex. I got out my cell phone and scanned it, just in case, you know?”

“Please explain for his honor.”

“I’d heard that...”

The prosecutor stood up. “Objection! Hearsay.”

“Not being used as proof, but to show the defendant’s beliefs and state of mind.”

“I’ll allow it,” the judge said.

“I’d heard that some guys with incel cards will use them every other day, rather than the once a month that the law entitles them to. So I scanned it just to be sure.”

“And...?”

“It checked out. He hadn’t gotten laid in two months.”

“So what then?”

“I was in a bit of a hurry -- I wanted to buy a couple of dresses and a new hat and get home in time for Wheel!, so I offered him oral and he accepted. We went to a motel where he’d rented a room, and he got undressed.”

“And then...?”

“Well, pretty much as Mr. Causey described it. I could have just sucked him off, but it’s not an incel’s fault that he’s not as good-looking as other guys. So I spent a few minutes making out with him, you know, so he’d know he’d been properly laid, not just a 10-minute quickie.”

“And...?”

“Well, he was actually a pretty good kisser, so I let him play with my breasts and kiss my nipples. All that got me pretty excited, so I started working him with my lips and tongue. Taking it a little slow, making it good for him -- and for me. I enjoy giving oral when I’m in the mood and the guy is being nice about it. Which he was, up until then.”

“Why the qualifier?”

“Well, I’d gotten a good start, kissing it, running my lips up and down the sides, then sucking him in and licking the underside. I started moving up and down, slow at first, then a little faster. I thought he was enjoying it -- he was saying things like “nice,” and “a little farther,” and when he said that latter I took him in a little deeper.

“But then he grabbed my head and pushed me all the way down on his cock, so the head was in the back of my throat. It was triggering my gag reflex, not fun at all. I tried to pull back, just one inch, but he was holding me tight against the base of his cock, and I realized I couldn’t breathe. He was cock-choking me.”

“I panicked. I was sure he was going to choke me to death. I struggled for maybe 15 seconds, then I bit down. Not trying to bite it off or anything, I just wanted him to be a little gentler.”

“What happened then?”

“He pulled back, but he slapped me. Hard!”

“Did you continue fellating Mr. Causey?”

“No. I was mad as hell, and I didn’t trust him not to try to kill me. I put my bra and sweater back on and left.”

“Your witness.”

Mr. Stanley stood up. “Ms. Leighton, are you sure that the victim...”

“Objection. Prejudicial.”

“I’ll rephrase it. Are you sure that Mr. Causey was going to kill you?”

“Now? I’m not so sure. But it sure seemed like it at the time. Especially after that slap. It left a red mark on my left cheek and there was a ringing sound in my left ear for several minutes afterward.”

“But you couldn’t be sure?”

“No, I guess not.”

The prosecutor sat down, and Brooke’s lawyer stood up.

“Defense calls Reynold Causey for cross examination.”

The bailiff went out and came back with Causey.

“Mr. Causey, the court reminds you that you are still under oath.”

“I understand, your honor.”

“Mr. Causey, when you testified earlier, you didn’t mention pushing Ms. Leighton’s head down onto your penis so hard that you were choking her.”

“I ... uh I guess I didn’t think it was important.”

“You didn’t think it was important that you put Ms. Leighton in fear of her life?”

“Well, I didn’t know that. I was just trying to get her to go a little farther down on my ... penis.”

“And why did you slap her so hard it left a mark on her cheek and made her left ear ring?”

“I was so surprised by the pain, I reacted without thinking.”

“Did Ms. Leighton break the skin of your penis?”

“No.”

“Were you in pain after Ms. Leighton left?”

“No.”

“Then would it be fair to say that you weren’t actually injured by Ms. Leighton?”

“I ... I guess so.”

“Thank you, Mr. Causey. Redirect?”

“The prosecution has no further questions of Mr. Causey.”

“Defense rests.”

“The court has a question to ask of Mr. Causey.” The judge paused for an objection. There was none. “Mr. Causey, you have admitted to slapping Ms. Leighton, a good, hard slap. Was that slap at least partly motivated by anger?”

Reynold paused, then answered, “Yes, your honor.”

“You are excused. Redirect? Re-cross?” The judge paused. Neither lawyer spoke up. He banged his gavel. “We’ll take a 15 minute recess, then I’ll hear closing arguments.”

“C’mon, let’s grab a snack.”

“I’m not hungry, but I could use something cold. OJ maybe.”

A man in a business suit leaned over the bar and handed a note to Brooke’s lawyer. He glanced at it, then turned to Brooke.

“We’re in trouble.”

“Why?”

“Judge Tillet has a reputation for fairness, but it turns out that he had an altercation with an ‘escort’ last week, and people who know him say he’s still mad about it. If I’d known, I’d have challenged him and taken our chances with another judge. Damn!”

“Is there anything we can do?”

“I don’t think so. It’s not enough to justify a mistrial. And moving for one now will just make him angry.”

“Oh ... fuck!”

“Yeah. Let’s go grab a cup of coffee and a roll at the cafeteria. You can visit the bathroom if you need to.”

“Yeah. Thanks. Pick me up a cinnamon roll or something else baked and sweet.”

“Will do.”

Fifteen minutes later

“All rise.”

The judge came back into the courtroom and sat down. Everybody else sat down except the bailiff.

“Prosecution’s final statement?”

“Your honor, the defendant’s own testimony established that she was asked for sex by an incel, and that she knew he was a certified incel. And that she started to perform fellatio on him but chose not to complete the act. The elements of the crime of Incel denial are as follows:

“One: A certified incel approached the defendant.

“Two: he asked her for sex

“Three: The incel provided a suitable private location: a motel room that he rented

“Four: The defendant intentionally did not complete the requested sex act.

“Therefore she is guilty of violating Public Law 537.2”

The prosecutor sat down.

“The court will now hear from the defense.”

Brooke’s lawyer stood up.

“Your honor, the defendant believed that Mr. Causey intended to either kill her or inflect substantial bodily harm. She testified to this, and the prosecution did not offer any substantial rebuttal to her testimony. The prosecution has not proved beyond a reasonable doubt that the defendant did not act in reasonable self defense, and therefore a verdict of Not Guilty is appropriate in this case.” He sat down.

“Very well. I’ll take the next case. Verdict tomorrow at...” the judge looked down at his desk “... 10:45AM.”

Next day

“Case number 71826, People vs. Brooklyn Leighton. All rise.”

The judge came in and sat down. “Defendant will rise and face the court.”

Brooke stood up, her legs trembling.

“After considering the evidence and consulting the law, this court finds the defendant guilty as charged.”

Brooke gasped.

“Ms. Leighton, your biting the defendant is excused on the basis of self-defense: you had a reasonable fear of death. But that momentary reaction does not excuse your subsequent abandonment of Mr. Causey, leaving him unsatisfied.”

The judge cleared his throat. “Miss Leighton, I sentence you to death as required by law. You will report to the Execution Center at 4:15PM on Monday, November 16. You know the penalty for failure to report?”

“Ye-yes ... your honor.”

“Very well.” He paused. “Mr. Causey will rise.”

Reynold stood up and faced the judge.

“The court has decided sua sponte to charge you with misdemeanor battery, and based on the testimony in this case I find you guilty. You are provisionally sentenced to 7 days in jail and to pay a fine of $1,000. The fine and jail term will be suspended while you attend a certified class in Anger Management. Upon satisfactory completion of the class, your jail term will be reduced to 3 days and your fine to $500.

“However, under our Constitution you are entitled to a trial before a jury of your peers. Your sentence is suspended for 5 days to permit you to consult counsel and decide whether to ask for a separate trial.”