Beyond Daring

A day later, what’d happened with my mother hit me like a ton of bricks. Oh, Lee and mum were fine with our new relationship. A chain of sluts with her quite happy at the very bottom. And I’d laughed along with them, but this was different.

Existential, it was ripping at my core.

As I straddled Lee in the back seat of his car, staring out over Bosbury Park, my chest filled with icy concrete. My stomach tumbled so far, the world wobbled. And after freezing on his zipper, my hands shuddered.

“What’s the matter, Molls?” His soft voice sent warm air across my cheek.

All day, I’d felt it building. The problem was I hadn’t realized what it was. At school, on the verge of crying, I’d asked him to pick me up. So there we were, in that magical place. As ducks skimmed the shimmering lake, trees swayed in a gentle breeze. An orange smear, the evening sun was sliding behind purpling clouds.

It should’ve been perfect. But it wasn’t. Not anymore.

“Who am I, love?” Amid the blurring world, I focused on his gorgeous eyes. At long last, a sobbing hitch exploded from me. “What am I!”

“We’ve been through this already, Molls.” He moved his hands from under my blouse to roam my shaking back. “Your mum is fine with us. Also, you being with her. And—”

“No, this is different.” After straightening, I pulled my shaky fingers from his taut trousers and the delicious, bulging hardness beneath. As much as I tried, I couldn’t help it, and the crying became steady. “I’m so sorry, Lee. I just can’t.”

“It’s alright, sweetie.” He flashed me a worried grin.

After wrapping me tighter in his arms, he lowered me to his chest. With a stuttering sigh, I crumpled to him. As the glistening world blurred in time with his battering heartbeat, more tears tumbled down my cheeks. When I nuzzled into his warm yet firm neck, he squeezed my shaking little frame even harder. How to explain? Where to start?

“At Yuri’s club. I, uh ... Those dolls. That blonde. She was so hot. I wanted her, Lee. God, it was so weird. Before that, there was you. And what you organized for me. But, even in my dreams, it’d always been other guys.” As I fell silent, gulping amid my sobs, his widespread fingers rubbed my heaving spine.

“Okay, so what? She was gorgeous.” His heated breath across my cheek sent shivers through me. “Both of them were. They liked you. I could ask Yuri—”

“No, Lee. I mean, maybe later, but that’s not the point.” After another lengthy swallow, I ran my hands along his massive ribcage. So solid. My beloved rock. “Before ... Well, I’d always considered my ... I didn’t hate it, but my penis only ever got in the way. But then, well, you were using it as a handle. And I adored that, for all sorts of reasons. But I wanted...” A sob erupted from me as I tried to find his eyes again amid the flooding tears. “You know how I’ve craved having my own breasts. I still do. But, then what to do about my ... Do I have the surgery? Which one? Years of hormones first?”

“Whatever you want, Molls.”

Oh, it sounded so simple coming from him. And as his lips found mine, I almost let the discussion die. But I pulled away and swallowed, holding in the next sob.

“With mum. The way I was able to please her. God, you should have seen her expression, love.” At the memory, I managed a slim smile. “I’m nothing like you, but I made her so happy. And I ... I loved it, too. So, now what do I do? What am I supposed to be?”

“Molly,” Lee’s voice was low but forceful. At my narrowing eyebrows, he slid his tongue around my trembling lips. “You’re my Molly. And your mum’s. We both love you with all our hearts. Your parts make no difference, Molls. None. You want to keep this?” His hand slipped between us to skim my tiny package curled tight in its sheath. “Then, okay. Get larger breasts if that makes you happy.”

At his smile, my heart warmed. Also, the way he’d said “larger.” There were ants with bigger proto-tits. He was being that kind, wondrous man I loved. When I opened my mouth to speak, he slipped a finger into my lips to play with my tongue. As my soul started to melt, his beautiful eyes twinkled.

“There are five billion people on this planet, Molls. Every one of us is unique, right? Stop trying to pick which box fits you. Just be yourself. I love you, no matter what you decide.”

That night after dinner, my brother Stevie was quiet and volunteered to do the dishes. Which was weird. But even stranger was the continuing awkward silence between mum and me while we cleared the table. She’d been like that since arriving home from work.

“Let’s, uh, have a sherry, Molls.”

When she gestured to the sitting room, I followed her. While I moved to the settee, she filled a pair of etched crystal glasses. After handing me one, she sat beside me and took a long sip. Over the rim, her eyes watched me as I slurped the strong wine.

A strange, pregnant silence dragged on for a while.

“He told you, didn’t he?” I said at last. “About the park?”

“Yes, Molls.” As her hand trembled, her pretty red nails clattered on the crystal. “I mean, not everything, but Lee’s worried.”

“Well?”

“You’re my child, Molls.” She shrugged. “As I’ve said before, so long as you’re happy and safe, that’s all I wish.”

“But I’m so confused, mum. I’ve always thought I was—”

“Stop that. Stop labeling yourself. I don’t. All I know is you strut, Molls.” When that cute giggle escaped those wondrous, full lips, I couldn’t help but smile. “Ever since you came out, you’ve owned who you are. Being near you gives me strength.”

At my raising eyebrows, she ran a warm, soft palm along my thigh. When a surge lifted my pink silk tap shorts, she caught the motion. But remained silent and kept her fingers distant.