Chapter 82

As the next act started, the host scuttled around through the crowd and approached your table.

“Hey,” he said to you and Gemma quietly. “Just so you know, heckling isn’t cool.”

“They approached us both times,” Gemma countered. “If they don’t want to take shit, they shouldn’t try to give shit.”

The host opened his mouth, but then frowned and nodded.

“Look, we’re just here to have a good time and support my roommate,” you said. “We’re not looking to start heckling.”

The host sighed. “Well, you’ve got two options. I can either move you to a new table and it’ll probably blow over, or if you two stay here it’s gonna become a thing. Benny up there doesn’t try to do crowd work, but a lot of the Open Mic performers try and fill time by practising crowd work even if they are shit at it. I guarantee they are already back there getting riled up by Corey and Julie, and we’ve got a couple of our semi-pro’s who won’t hold back.”

Gemma looked to you to see if you had an opinion. “I don’t care either way,” you said. “Are you having fun?”

“Yes,” Gemma smirked and turned to the host. “We’re fine where we are. We could use a waitress though. We’re going to need some beers if we’re going to do this right.”

“You got it, and your funeral,” the host shook his head with a wry grin.

By the time ‘Benny’ finished his lackluster spot, one of the waitresses had come over and taken your order.

The host got everyone to clap for Benny, and then told a couple of jokes that got more laughs than the first three acts put together, before introducing the next one.

And the host was right - this guy told about two minutes of minorly funny jokes, and then pivoted and started trying to engage you. He tried taking a shot at you for your job as an intern, which you pointed out you made more money in one summer than he would for a year of open mics. Then he tried to bash you for wanting to be a lawyer and you quipped that being a lawyer was a great way to learn to speak in public, and that maybe he should try some classes to figure out how to engage with an audience since you were all starting to fall asleep.

The next act came in hot, talking about young couples thinking they were hot shit but clearly they didn’t know anything because the divorce rate was skyrocketing. Then he asked Gemma if you were rich and she was a gold-digger, and warned you that you were going to be a statistic. Gemma asked how many times he’d been divorced, and that shut him up quickly.

The act after him was clearly the newest of all the wanna-be comedians who had been up so far. Each of his jokes he started with ‘So did you guys hear...?’ and he read a bunch of jokes about Australia off his phone. He got booed off stage, and you and Gemma didn’t even start it.

Then the Host introduced one of their ‘regular crowd favourites’, and you had to assume it was one of the semi-pros he had mentioned.

Oscar Benicio was a Hispanic guy who dressed up like an office worker, complete with a frumpy suit with a pocket protector and a ratty tie. He started his spot with gusto, and actually did start warming up the crowd, but you saw he kept glancing sideways at you and Gemma. When the waitress quietly circulating the room came to your table and you and Gemma started whispering your request for another pair of beers, he paced across the stage and cleared his throat into the mic. “Ahem. Children?”

You and Gemma turned to look at him, curious as to why he was interrupting something that everyone in the room was doing. You also heard the annoyed sigh of the waitress, who just wanted to take your order and get her tip.

“Children,” Oscar said again. “It’s rude to talk when someone else has the mic. Didn’t your parents teach you any better?”