Chapter 319

“I don’t like this new trend of me feeling so fucking overwhelmed my body starts to fucking lock up and my brain fries out,” I sighed.

“I know, Tiger. I’m so sorry,” Cassidy said, rubbing my back. I’d gone out initially with Zenya with a loose tank top and my briefs on, and now we were back in the cabin so I could wash my face and change into something mildly more appropriate to work with food. I’d stopped just inside the door though, leaning against the wall as I let myself feel shitty for a moment.

“Cass, it’s not your-”

“Robbie,” Cassidy interrupted me. “I get why you’d feel embarrassed that it’s happening, but I swear to God if you try and take any of the blame for having panic attacks I’ll literally scream. I did this, and I’m so fucking sorry for it.”

I swallowed hard. I knew what she was saying was true - me being overwhelmed, my brain and body having these reactions, all came out of what and how she’d done things.

I was still fucked up.

No matter what all had happened during the trip, there were underlying issues that were only going to be fixed over time. But then ... looking at what I knew was true, and what I felt, I couldn’t connect them. Why was I trying so hard to rationalise wanting to take on guilt for something I couldn’t control? Or, maybe even more importantly, why was I willing to forgive her more easily than I did myself like this?

Was it just me, and my nature? Or was it the App?

I had my eyes shut, and I took a deep breath. “Cass, baby, I love you,” I said. “But I’m fucked up.”

She hugged me, squeezing hard. “Is there anything I can do right now?” she asked in a hoarse whisper.

“I don’t think so,” I shook my head. “I don’t think that therapy can come fast enough. I don’t want to say goodbye to the girls, but God I also want to get home and try and just ... I don’t know.”

“I know,” she mumbled, her face pressed to my arm as she kept hugging me. “I know.”

Getting myself back together wasn’t too hard - a quick splash of water on my face, and wiping myself down with some wet paper towel since I didn’t want to get another washcloth wet before we packed to go home. I ended up putting on a tank top that I’d worn at the start of the trip that hadn’t gotten too well-worn (or sweaty from the various physical activities my clothes had gone through.) I managed to find one of my pairs of shorts, maybe the last one that hadn’t been claimed by Wanda or Cattie, which made me wonder how many of my clothes I was actually going to end up taking home with me. It looked like my sweaters were missing, and a couple of T-shirts.

It was a good thing that I really liked the look of a beautiful woman wearing some of my clothes.

Cass and I went back out to help Zenya with breakfast - we were definitely not going to get it done by the time the others got back. Still, I took a moment to slide up behind Zenya and hug her tightly as I brushed some of her bright red hair behind her ear and kissed her neck. “Thanks for helping me calm down, freckles,” I murmured softly.

She set down the knife she was chopping with and raised a hand, scritching her fingers in the hair on the side of my head. “Panic attacks are a big deal, but they aren’t a big deal,” she said. “I’m sorry you’re going through them. I don’t think any less of you, and neither do the others, Tiger.”

I sighed, hugging her a little tighter, and I could just see the little smile on her face as she took my hands from her stomach and lifted them up to her tits. I chuckled and squeezed them.