Chapter 318

“So ... wow,” Cassidy said, leaning back against the counter. “I guess I’d thought through a lot, but...” She blew out a long breath.

The question of kids was a big one, and I hadn’t exactly been thinking about it either throughout the week. Falling in love, and falling in lust, were adult things. I’d been thinking about that week, and next week, and next month. Maybe next year. My ‘twenty years from now’ worries had been about whether the relationships and people could coexist or would cause damage. I didn’t want people to get hurt; I wanted them to feel like they were getting what they needed and wanted. I hadn’t been thinking of making new people.

“I know,” Zenya sighed. We were standing in the little kitchen area of the boat, having come back out from the cabin so we could all talk. “Robbie already told me that you and he have talked about kids, and they are in your future at some point.”

“I want to have our first around thirty, I think,” Cassidy said. “That always felt like enough time that we could get all our adult shit together and have fun, but young enough that it wasn’t going to be a hard pregnancy because of age.”

That was true - we’d talked about kids multiple times, and a family in general, when talking about marriage. I wanted to be a father, and Cassidy’s idea of the timeline felt right for me as well.

“I’m pretty much the same in thinking, I’m just a year or two older than you guys so it’s closer for me,” Zenya said. “I- two years, maybe three, of dating seriously and it’s what I would want.”

Cassidy took another breath and nodded, then looked at me. “What do you think, Tiger?”

I had to rub my forehead for a moment, collecting my thoughts and then I sighed. “I don’t know,” I said truthfully. “You know I want a family too. Kids, more than one. Objectively, I want that with a woman I love, which was always you Cass. Now that there’s more than one woman, I guess I need to think about things more broadly. It’s one of those issues that the speed of this has made feel unimportant but is really important. Like ... I don’t know if any of the girls are religious. Or if they have siblings, or what their parent’s names are, or if anyone has lost anyone important to them. Fuck, I don’t even know who went to college or not, or-”

The pressure felt like it was mounting on my chest and I had to stop, leaning back against the wall as I blinked rapidly.

“Robbie, Robbie,” Cassidy said, coming to me immediately. “It’s OK. Take a breath.”

“I’m sorry,” Zenya said. “I’m not trying to pressure you or anything. It’s not something that needs to be decided now.”

“No, he’s starting to have a panic attack,” Cassidy said, fussing with me as she tried to figure out how to calm me down. I could feel myself tipping, the overwhelming thing that I’d started feeling fucking massive - like I was floating in the middle of a giant bowl and whenever I tried to swim to an edge it just got further away, and that bowl was starting to tilt and lean and I’d get swept away and poured out. “It’s- Fuck, it’s my fault for putting too much on him all at once,” Cassidy said, crying as she held onto me, panicking a little herself.

“Becca told me,” Zenya said, rushing to the sink and grabbing a washcloth. I could hear her running the water like a static in the back of my mind, but my vision was starting to tunnel even though I was trying to take long, deep breaths. It didn’t really feel like it was helping. I hated that I was making Cassidy cry, and she looked so fucking terrified, but it was another thing that I couldn’t control and I was fucking up and-