Chapter 174

“We’re good,” I said, answering Wanda.

“Robbie, you can do better than that,” Wanda said. We were still standing there on the top deck, our fingers folding together as we held hands. “I know that you two aren’t breaking up and that you’re probably still getting married since you call each other your fiance’s still. And I know it hasn’t even been a week, but have you forgiven her?”

“I’ve ... accepted her apologies,” I said. “I’m working on real forgiveness, and I don’t want to just say it without meaning it because that would be worse.”

“What about sex?” she asked. “Last night she was involved, but you two barely touched each other.”

I took a breath and turned us so that I could lean back on the hot tub. “That’s more complicated,” I said. “We’ve been intimate, but not full on.”

“But you’ve been sexual with me, Becca, Cattie and Leia,” she said. “Plus lots of other stuff with a bunch of the other girls. Ami?”

“That’s for Ami to tell,” I said.

“So partially,” Wanda read me. “So sex with four other women, which I know she wants you to do so I’m not blaming you or anything, and other stuff with others. And you’re saying I Love You to at least me and Cattie. Becca?”

I nodded. “She hasn’t said it back.”

“She will,” Wanda sighed. “Leia?”

I shook my head.

“But getting there?”

“Probably,” I said.

“Ami?”

“Yeah.”

“Robbie, your fiancee needs you,” Wanda said.

“We’re taking our time to figure that out,” I said.

“Robbie,” she said again. “Cassidy needs you. She is making all of these big gestures, and yes she isn’t exactly suffering with them since she’s a horny bisexual, but she’s making them all over the place. She knows you love her, but I think she needs to feel it.”

I closed my eyes and hung my head a little, trying to think of where I was at.

“She’s the love of your life, Robbie,” Wanda said. “Are you doing this because you’re not ready, or are you holding out because you still want to punish her? There isn’t a wrong answer, but you need to know what it is.”

“Fuck,” I sighed. I wasn’t sure.

“It’s the second one,” Wanda said. “You know it is. You won’t be able to figure out what to do without admitting it.”

“It is,” I said. “I’m holding out because I’m still fucking mad.”

Wanda released my hands and wrapped her arms around my neck, hugging me tightly and whispering to me. “It’s OK to be mad. It’s OK to feel fucking furious with her for all the shit she did back then. But neither of you are going to be OK until you can be OK with feeling that for a bit.”

I hugged her back, feeling her body against mine. “How are you so good at this?” I asked.

“Because I’m furious at Brodi, and I don’t know if I’m going to get over it,” she whispered.

I held her, and she started crying, and then I started crying. We weren’t loud about it, weren’t sobbing. We held each other and let ourselves just feel the dark things that were clutching at us.

“I love you,” she said, burying her face into the crook of my neck.

“I love you, too,” I said, holding her sides tightly.