Chapter 1: An impossible problem to solve.

“In short, you are tasked with solving the Elf Maiden problem,” says the Chief Procurator, bringing his twenty minute monologue to an end.

“I was under the impression that General Wang was attending to that matter,” I reply.

“He was. As was Lord Grenville and Justice Fallow before him. All failures. Men whose brains are in their cocks. Which is why I’m giving you the task. You are eminently qualified.”

“What qualification are you referring to?” I ask.

“You are friends with the Emperor’s daughter, so the Emperor might at least consider whatever you propose without rejecting it out of hand.”

My brief platonic relationship with Cassandra while we were studying history together under Professor Hans hardly gives me a gateway to the Emperor’s favour. But the Chief Procurator isn’t going to listen to any argument on that point. Both he and I know that I’m being given this hopeless task because he regards me as a threat to his position.

The obvious solution to the so-called Elf Maiden problem would be to return the elven women to their homeland. But that’s too simple a solution for the rulers of Thurn. The Emperor is reputed to have a harem of thirty Elf Maidens. I suspect that he has no interest in parting with any of them. It’s a miracle his cock hasn’t worn down to nothing.

The whole issue is one of biology. The continent of Thurn enjoys a pleasant temperate climate for most of the year. But the bitterly cold winter storms are brutal, and deadly for infants and the old alike. Over the ages nature has adapted the reproductive clock of Thurnian women so that they are only fertile for three weeks in summer. Babies are born in the spring so that they have a much greater chance of survival during the following winter. But nature didn’t just alter the reproductive clocks of women. A male Thurnian can only have an erection when he detects the pheromones of a fertile woman. It has been nature’s way of ensuring peace and harmony for centuries. Except, of course, in the short rutting season, which is when men get territorial and possessive. During those three weeks or so, normally docile men get aggressive and fight over the right to ram their cock into an equally eager woman.

The well established life-cycle on Thurn changed fifty years ago when the southern continent was discovered. Unlike Thurn, the southern continent has a tropical climate, and there’s food in abundance all year round. At first the explorers thought the continent was uninhabited, but deep in the jungle they discovered a nomadic race of people the explorers called ‘elves’. Of course, they weren’t the elves of fairy tales, but the name has stuck. To look at them they appear identical to any Thurnian man or woman. Except for their ears, which are slightly larger than those of the average Thurnian, and explains why the elven race was so named. The southern jungles are home to several species of large predatory animals who hunt by stealth rather than speed. Sharp hearing is essential to survival in the jungle, and consequently nature has adapted the ‘elves’ over the centuries.

Another difference between the two races is the strong body odour of the elves. Their body odour deters wild animals from attacking them. Many Thurnians, women in particular, find the elves’ odour repellent. The derogatory term ‘stinking elves’ is commonly used, even in the presence of Elf Maidens. Thurnian men are more tolerant of the elves’ odour but for a completely selfish reason.

The most important discovery from the initial encounter with the elves ... at least for Thurnian men ... is that elven women are fertile for ten days every month. In the rich miasma of the tropical forests, the pheromones an elven woman emits are particularly strong. The explorers suddenly discovered their cocks were standing to attention, and more than one elven woman was happy to make use of what was on offer. Reputedly the erect cocks of Thurnian men are massive in comparison to those of elven males.

The discovery spelt disaster for the elven people they met. The now rampant Thurnian men rounded up as many elven women as they could find and transported them back to Thurn. A few elven men objected and they were promptly killed. The rest of the elves fled into the jungle. It was probably one of the most inglorious episodes in Thurnian history.

Over the last half century more has been learnt about the elven women. Originally they were classified as domestic animals and were required to wear a collar and leash. Over time laws have been passed to give adult elves a place in Thurnian society, albeit a very lowly one. The requirement for them to be kept on a leash was revoked, but the need for them to wear a collar still remains for some illogical reason.