Chapter 3

The ward brought reality back into Andrew’s life in a hurry. Two more children, ones he did not know well, had not responded to treatment and Graham was no longer in the ward. However, the group of children that he tried to spend time with, the treatment orphans who were often on their own, all seemed to be responding to their treatment. There were eight of them at the moment, three girls and five guys. The guys were all in the 9 to 12 range with the girls ranging from the youngest, a very shy quiet 8 year old, up to Mandy who was 15 and would be 16 early in the new year. Andrew said hi and chatted away as he helped around the ward. For a lot of the children, he was now a familiar face, and to their parents as well. Little by little his story had got out and he was an accepted part of the ward environment. After helping the orderly serve dinner, this was the unionised 1980s all he did was push the food cart, he went and sat with the usual group. Three of the boys were called Michael which didn’t help the clarity of the conversation. Andrew told them he would be in on the Saturday the following weekend, he had already checked that this was okay with the sister, as he was going to somewhere in Hampshire on the Sunday.

“How do you not know where you are going?”

This was their perfectly reasonable response. So they just chatted away about staying at a friend’s house which they were familiar with. He told them about meeting Judy again and this led to a hilarious discussion about the States, England, London, girls, it went all over the place. The non-sequiturs always made his head spin. But as always it was the small simple things that they liked to talk about. Judy lived outside New York City which they had all heard of and most of them had seen scenes of it in the cinema or on the television. Andrew always talked about exercising, running and swimming trying to plant the seed so that they embraced it when they got out of hospital.

“But look at us Andrew, we will never be like you.”

This was one of the Michaels. In his wallet Andrew had the picture of him taken by Tony at the start of February, a couple of weeks after his release from hospital. It showed his painfully skeletal little body, his ribs sticking out, his arms nothing but twigs and his thin, drawn face with his bald head. So he showed them all the photo.

“That is not you.”

Another of the Michaels.

“I promise you that is me. I got out of hospital two weeks, maybe three weeks earlier. I was 13 and a half and that is what I looked like. The day after I got the all clear from the hospital I tried to do my first sit ups, I managed three I think, and my first push ups, and I didn’t manage any. I had to do wall push offs to start.”

He showed them what he meant.

“But I did that every day, ran every morning before school, again all I could do was walk at the start, and I swam every day before school as well. The first time I swam the lifeguard kept a close eye on me and I managed four lengths I think and had to have a long rest after each one. But if you do something every day you get stronger, faster and able to do it more and more.”

Even that five seconds of reflection from them all was worth it. They were thinking about what they were going to do themselves when they got out. They continued chatting away and then more and more of the kids started to look tired and settled down to nap. Andrew was able to sit with Mandy and talk to her more privately.

“It is hard to believe that you were once just like all of us.”

He nodded.

“It is mainly my height, I had not yet hit puberty when I was diagnosed and all the radiation and chemotherapy delayed it so when I was out I started growing at the same time as I gained back the weight. It drove Mum crazy that every term nothing fitted and we had to go and get new clothes. At the start of term everything was too big and at the end of term everything was too small, or short or tight. I only stopped growing earlier this year. Anyway, have you any questions for me today?”

“How did people treat you when you got back to school?”

“Children are very self-absorbed and I found that most people were interested for a couple of days but then something else came along and distracted them. I never brought it up and tried to avoid talking about it, especially by the start of the next school year. I didn’t want to be the kid who survived cancer and so I just didn’t talk about it. Once I grew and put on weight then it became less and less obvious and it didn’t come up much. Some of the people in my year even forgot that I was off for two terms in 2^nd year and had survived cancer. That was oddly pleasing for me. I have had to talk about it more recently because it has come up during all the meet and greets at university. I have spoken about it with my new friends at the College and the Department. But it is five years ago and so it is more background info than anything else. Are you worried about how people will treat you?”

Mandy nodded.

“Look at me, I will be a freak.”

“No you won’t, because you don’t go back to school immediately. It was nearly three months later before I went back to school. You will be weak and susceptible to germs, the flu, stuff like that. I got the all clear at the end of January but studied at home for the rest of term two and only went back to school in April. My hair had grown although I was already cutting it short, and I was a little taller and had put on some weight. Sure you will have short hair and will be thinner than normal but it will come back. Again, think about it. There is nothing that you can do about your appearance, only time and good eating will fix that and there is also nothing you can do about what other people think. I got into a fight at school at the end of the first week back and was suspended for a day because of it.”

He told Mandy the story of Murray Jones and the aftermath.

“People will say stupid and cruel things. I found a knee to the balls an effective retort.”

She giggled.

“I had survived cancer, what was the worst thing that could happen to me? There was nothing. I started living my own life at that point. Like I said I embraced the parts of me that I liked but I changed other things. That’s what caused the fight. I was no longer the person from a year earlier. I think about it as old Andrew versus new Andrew. I never would have had a fight before, I never would have had rows with the parents of some of my friends. Hell, I was impertinent with the Headmaster in his office. Be yourself and if you don’t know who you are then keep exploring. It is an odd thing to say but I learned a lot in hospital about myself and about living life.”

“Is that why you are here? To not just be a friend and a support for us, but also to talk to us about life?”

Andrew was profoundly shocked.

“Mandy, that is brilliant. I could never have articulated that but there is some truth to that. The reasons for me being here are very complex and I don’t know that I could fully explain them all but I think you are right. It is talking about life after cancer.”

She had flushed but looked pleased at his praise.

“So you are Obi-wan then are you?”

He laughed at the Star Wars reference.

“Don’t let the Michaels know that you like Star Wars, you will never get a minute’s peace.”

Andrew left to help tidy up around the ward. As he was carrying something back to the nurse’s station he saw a man staring at him. Andrew felt he should know him but couldn’t place him. On the way back the man was looking at him again and Andrew realised where he knew him from. He was one of the men who was at the Café in the morning, he worked for the council and Andrew usually saw him wearing one of those fluorescent vests. He stood as Andrew came down the ward.

“What are you doing here? I thought you were a gownie?”

Gownie was the pejorative term used by the people who lived in Cambridge to describe the students. There was a whole townie versus gownie issue lurking under the surface in the town.

“You are right, I am a student but I volunteer here on a Sunday. I had cancer myself when I was a child.”

He looked taken aback at this, then his whole attitude changed and his bristly persona just collapsed. He took Andrew over to meet his wife and son. His son looked terrible, frail and weak, in obvious pain. Andrew stayed and chatted for a few minutes and then left to say goodbye to Mandy. Although he did not spend a lot of time in the ward he was always surprised when a child said goodbye to him as he headed for the exit. Andrew stopped to remind the sister he would be in on the Saturday not the Sunday and then headed out. The guy from the café and his wife were waiting at the elevator, on their way down to the cafeteria while their son slept.

As Andrew walked back to College, he rarely took the bus as it gave him time to think and process everything, he thought about Ron, the council worker, and his wife. The look of despair, the realisation that nothing was working. You could never tell from the way Ron acted at the café, the banter between the workmen and yet away from that he was a father facing up to the fact his son was dying. And he had a lifetime of pain to face, the tragedy of Faith’s death never left Mary and Brian. It was often buried but it never went away. As Andrew walked he thought about his own parents, how they were at the time of his treatment and especially afterwards. They had dodged the ultimate nightmare for any parent, the death of a child. How did those fears play out in the way they treated Rowan and him afterwards? Whether intentional or not, Scott was a result of the good news about his recovery. But as always, his relationship, or rather the lack of one, with his parents confused Andrew. He had the ideal teenage year’s childhood. There were no rules, other than the time to be home by. He could often be away for 15 hours at the weekend with everything that he was doing. He had Sunday dinner with another family. They never seemed to push back, demand family time. He didn’t get it.

Rather than study at the Library he wrote a couple of short letters to Leslie and Suzanne, updating them on life at College. He was looking forward to seeing them both, and Julian too. Half the time Andrew stopped writing and just sat there reminiscing about all the things that had happened over the years. Dinner that night was busy, the last weekend for most of the students and so it was lively and entertaining. Justin was the subject of much banter at the dinner table and he took it well. He didn’t have much choice as he was spotted coming home at 11.30 that morning. The other odd thing was that Abigail was staring at him in a very strange manner. Of all the people in the corridor, even David who was dull and only talked about rowing, she was the person Andrew was the least close to. They were never alone just the two of them, and she always had this air of defensive sadness about her. Andrew had initially thought she was lonely and was the clichéd pretty woman that no one could get close to. Now he wasn’t so sure, there was something about her that he could not understand. She was nice and polite but it was a veneer. It was only when they were jammed in the corner of the bar that Helena told him what the latest staring was for.

“We knocked two pictures off her wall last night. She came to ask me if there had been an earthquake of all things. As soon as she asked I tried to be nonchalant but I blushed like a lighthouse. I ended up telling her that it was us. I have never been so embarrassed.”

Andrew shook his head.

“It is what it is, don’t stress about it. She never talks to me anyway, she probably thinks I am a beast taking advantage of my sweet innocent friend. Ravishing you like an earthquake? That’s a new one.”

Helena chuckled and didn’t even bother whacking him.

“Sweet and innocent, you remember that next weekend.”

The last week of term was full of end of term parties. The OTC had one, the hockey team had one, back to back nights which was tough. On the Friday night after the last classes it was a drunken chaotic night all across town. You could get in nowhere, restaurants were packed, clubs were a complete lost cause, so the College bar was where they ended up. A classic night of letting off steam. Drinks were spilled, people were carried out, and vomit had to be carefully stepped round on the way back to the room. Exactly what most people think student life is every day. Andrew was the drunkest he had been all term and was not feeling very well when he woke up. After forcing himself to go for at least a short run, he went as far as Peggy’s Café for the last dregs of that week’s soup and a full English.

“I am away until Wednesday night next week Peggy and will only be here Thursday to Sunday. I will be at the pool at the weekend so can you run a slightly smaller batch but not make it until Wednesday?”

“Sure luv, I thought you would be done now.”

“No, I am back for next weekend but head home on the 11^th. I will be back on the 14^th of January and will be in on the Monday morning as normal.”

Peggy had scribbled a note of her new 1984 calendar that was on the kitchen wall.

“No problem Andrew.”

When he got back to College parents had already started to arrive and so he ran the gauntlet of greetings. Pedro like Andrew had kept his room for the holidays, actually called non-resident occupancy, you were allowed to keep your stuff there but not live there, unless you paid like Andrew had for the following weekend. So Pedro had one bag of, presumably dirty, clothes and was off to the train station. The Rais arrived to get Navya before Rupashi and Andrew helped Mr. Rai carry her stuff to the trolley. He and Navya shared a big hug and a peck on the cheek, to some mild tutting from Mrs. Rai, and then they were off. That Mrs. Rai had seen fit to tut at something as innocuous as a peck on the cheek gave Andrew pause. He and Rupashi had snogged intensely four times over the course of the term, with Andrew equalising their heights by holding her by the arse in his arms. It didn’t bode well for the prospect of anything further between them. Hmmm.

Other than Pedro everyone else had only paid for the term, not the holidays, so mere weeks after getting everything into the room everyone was faced with having to pack it all up and take it home again. There was a constant buzz of ‘too much bloody stuff’ and he knew that come January people would return with many fewer possessions. Andrew stood and to chatted to both Nigel’s mum and Justin’s parents and was the polite young man that his mother would be proud of. He thanked them all for letting him come and stay in January but everyone had the space and like most parents they were glad that Nigel and Justin were settled and had made some friends. Andrew left late morning for Addenbrooke’s, escaping amidst all the chaos of people leaving.