Chapter 1

Andrew had become complacent and his complacency was shattered in the most gut wrenching way. When he got to the ward on the Sunday morning he saw Graham’s bed was not in its spot. This was not necessarily a big deal, children were often taken for treatment on their bed, which was why they had wheels on them. But there was a tension in the ward and several of the kids he had befriended looked red-eyed when Andrew saw them. One of the nurses saw where he was looking and indicated with her head at one of the private rooms, always used for difficult situations and especially as a holding station until hospice care could be arranged.

“His cancer has spread and is no longer operable.”

Graham was going to die, and soon.

“He has been asking for you all morning. The sister needs to see you about this.”

She patted his arm but then you could see the mental armour re-engage and she was back to working hard to save these children, while protecting herself. Andrew walked to the little office where the sister was sitting and knocked on the door frame.

“Graham would like to see you but I need to ask you if you are okay with that. This is not something that I can force you to do. We get so few volunteers here anyway and this is exactly why.”

Her gaze was unblinking and fierce.

“What am I allowed to talk about?”

His question threw her.

“What do you mean?”

“Am I allowed to talk about him dying?”

Her look got fiercer but she blinked in surprise. Rather than immediately harangue him she stopped and looked at Andrew for a long time.

“You saw it, up close, didn’t you?”

All he could do was nod, it was like Faith was lying in the bed beside him.

“As with all these things, don’t bring it up but answer him honestly if he asks.”

“I am sorry to have to ask, but my mind has gone blank, what is his cancer?”

“Brain.”

As soon as she said it Andrew remembered. He stood outside the door for a second gathering himself and then knocked and went into the room. Of course Graham’s parents were there and all the careful words and speeches went out the window as he scrambled to manage the simple niceties at a moment like that.

“Andrew, you came. Mum, Dad, this is Andrew. He comes and visits on a Sunday and has done so for the last month. Andrew, these are my parents.”

Despite everything Graham was being polite and putting on a good show. What Andrew said to the parents he had no idea, Graham did more talking than the rest of them combined. He started to look weary but he clearly wanted to talk to Andrew and alone as well.

“Mum, Dad, could you leave us for a few minutes I want to talk to Andrew for a little while on my own.”

They could hardly say anything but they looked taken aback. Once the door closed Graham closed his eyes and the air just left him. It was like he shrivelled before Andrew’s eyes.

“I knew you would come Andrew. You are here so they will have told you.”

The tears started and they couldn’t stop. For more than five minutes this little eleven year old wept his heart out. Andrew gently clasped his hand, all the comfort he could offer.

“Why?”

The unanswerable question.

“There is no answer to that Graham. The part of my story I never told anyone out there is that I was in a bed next to a young woman named Faith Campbell. She and I supported each other for two months, talked about being scared, faced death together. She died and I lived. There is no reason to it. Cruel, capricious fate. I wish I had answers. I got out of hospital nearly five years ago, and the first time I set foot in a cancer ward was last month. What you are facing is why I hid away, I wasn’t strong enough.”

“Andrew, you are huge, how are you not strong enough?”

“Emotionally strong wee man, not physically. To see the looks on your parent’s faces, to hold your hand as you sob your heart out, knowing that there is nothing I can do but give you words. You are stronger than I am, just as Faith was stronger all those years ago.”

Andrew knew Graham was tired and confused by his non answers and spent from the emotional turmoil of the week. He wanted to say so much but had no idea how to say it. Most of all he wanted to scream and rage. Graham drifted off to sleep and Andrew closed his eyes for a second before quietly leaving the room. Graham’s parents were hovering and looked in the door and saw that he was sleeping.

“Can I ask you what he wanted to talk about Andrew?”

His father sounded lost.

“He asked me ‘Why?’ And I don’t know if I gave him any help or comfort.”

The mother this time.

“Can I ask you what you answered in case he talks about it?”

“We better sit down. I told him I had no answer. I told him of the woman in the bed next to me, who didn’t make it. I told him he was stronger than me, stronger than you. He also cried for five minutes, just deep sad weeping. I think he hoped I would have an answer but in the end, I told him there is no reason. Cruel, capricious fate.”

Andrew looked down at his feet. The parents looked at him.

“Why are you here?”

Andrew looked up and tried to marshal his thoughts.

“To try and make a difference. To give hope, to show them that there is a future, to go from the frail little skeletons that they currently are to my size, with just lots of food and exercise. Maybe because I have to, remind myself of where I came from, and how much I have to be grateful for. I don’t know.”

The father stood and pulled him up and shook his hand.

“It might not seem like at right now but you are making a difference. You were all he talked about when we got here. Andrew this and Andrew that. Thank you for everything you have done for Graham.”

Andrew was barely holding it together as he left them to sit in their dying son’s room thinking about the cruelty of life. He was immediately put to work and spent the next hour dogs-bodying for the staff, a clear attempt to keep him busy and to let him settle down. As Andrew worked in a store room getting some things down from high shelves he had to figure out how to deal with all this. He never considered quitting, that was not an option but as he moved things around he had to figure out how to deal with all the kids in the ward as usual, answer or deflect questions about Graham and hold it all together. There was a reason that no one volunteered there. Andrew knew the choices he made and especially the way he acted was going to be one of the pivotal moments in his life. He was naturally a reserved person, never one to talk much but that afternoon he had to compartmentalise his mind, shove all the pain, anger and sadness into a box and shut the lid. He had to be like the professionals that worked there, game face always on, even under the most unimaginably hard circumstances. And so the rest of the day was no different than any of the previous ones. He deflected a couple of questions about Graham at the beginning when he went and talked with ‘his’ little group. Truthfully, he was not allowed to see any medical information and so was able to hide behind that fig leaf. Or so he thought. At 2.45 Andrew was getting ready to tidy up when one of the older children, a girl called Mandy, 14 or 15 years old, asked him to draw the curtain and sit with her for a moment.

“I thought you would be honest with us having gone through this yourself.”

Ah. She looked at him waiting.

“Mandy, I have to follow a long list of rules, and they are there for a good reason. The thing to think about is that what you might want to hear is not necessarily what others want to hear. You might wish you had not asked the question once you get the answer. And finally, would you want me talking about you to some other patient?”

She considered all that.

“Okay, I see your point but it is just the two of us and I will take my chance with your second point.”

Andrew sat there desperately trying to think about how to answer this question and not make it worse.

“Okay. I will be as honest as I can but I may not answer some of them okay?”

She smiled weakly and now that she knew that he would at least partially answer all her darkest fears she looked afraid to start.

“I am one of four kids, the oldest, and there is just my Mum. She can’t visit me as much as she wants so I am here on my own a lot. I don’t have anyone to ask questions to and I don’t have anyone to listen to my fears.”

Andrew nodded. The gap in the curtain he had left at the bottom of the bed was filled with the ward sister.

“Is everything alright?”

They nodded.

“Yes thanks sister, Mandy just wanted to ask a couple of questions not in front of the younger children.”

She looked at them both for an extra heartbeat but left them to it.

“I am scared Andrew, scared of my treatment, scared of dying, scared and, I don’t know, angry for missing out on life. What can I do?”

He took a deep breath.

“Nothing Mandy, nothing.”

Andrew closed his eyes for a second and then opened them and looked at her thin, scared face.

“I was in hospital for five months on and off, including two months solid at the end. I was in a ward just like this in Edinburgh and I saw children fade away in front of me, before suddenly the bed was not there and the next day another child was in the spot. I was in an adult ward for my chemotherapy and the only other person close to my age was a young woman who they put me beside. She didn’t recover. Over those five months I saw the same doctors, was looked after by the same nurses and we all got the very best treatment available for us. It did not work for some patients.

“I can’t tell you not to be scared, that would be foolish. What Faith, that woman in the adult ward, and I did was talk about it. Supported each other after treatment, let the other talk when we needed to, listened to them, and questioned everything. I don’t know that I would have survived without Faith Campbell in the bed next to me. I would ask to be moved so that you are beside someone closer to your own age, doesn’t matter if it is a man or a woman, you can’t have these conversations with an 11 year old. I was 13 and Faith turned 16 while in hospital.

“The other thing is get a couple of journals, one for questions that come to you during the week, I will answer as many as I can on Sunday but the other journal is the more important one, think about your life. This was by far the most important thing that Faith and I talked about. Start to plan your life for the day you are released from here, I did. Think about old Mandy, the person who came to this hospital, and then look at your life decide what you like, keep all those parts, and what you don’t like, and make a plan to fix them.

“Why plan my life when I might not...”

She didn’t finish the sentence.

“My answer is why not. Assume nothing but the best, plan for the day when you get home and suddenly you have your three siblings running around, not caring about you, or your treatment. You might want to come back here for the peace and quiet.”

They smiled.

“But seriously, think about life after cancer. Dream, but dream with your eyes open. Next week I will sit with you for longer and will answer some of your questions.”

Andrew stood up to go.

“And hey, keep it clean, I know about you country women.”

The sound of her squeal and laughter helped on the walk back into town. If he was serious about doing this then he had to be ready for mornings like that one. The thing he never, ever hinted at was that the odds on childhood cancers were horrendous. More than a third of those patients were never going to walk out of there. Andrew also had to not let this affect him around other people, or on his course. He would have to figure out a way to stay focused on the other parts of his life, learn to enjoy the more mixed dinner on a Sunday and not sit moping in his room. It was going to be an interesting term; it was going to be an interesting four years. Andrew stopped outside the Library and shook his head, like a dog shedding water, took a deep breath and pushed it all down. Once he had dumped his stuff at a desk he called Mhairi and it was Neil that answered the phone.

“I was looking for a crazy lawyer who was leading impressionable young people astray this week.”

His laughter was deep and genuine.

“She blames you entirely, she missed the first two trains to London and had a horrible hangover all day.”

Neil was a nice guy.

“It was a whole lot of fun to see her as a person not as a lawyer. She is always so smart and organised and is intimidating as hell half the time but that night she was a woman in her twenties having some fun. It was a hell of a way to start the week.”

“She never really tells me Andrew stories, your party was an eye-opener for all of them but she told me about Monday, what was it, ‘take me to your room’?”

“Oh Neil, you should have seen her face. I have never, ever seen her so flustered. It was a very human moment and broke the ice for the evening.”

“I am getting the evil eye here so I’ll put her on the phone. Good speaking to you Andrew.”

“I am not sure I want you and Neil talking about me.”

Mhairi was in good form.

“Just be grateful that you look way too young to be my mum. I once announced at Nikki’s work that she was really my mother. You should have seen their faces, they fell for it hook, line and sinker. I still have the bruises from where she attacked me. So it could be worse.”

“Oh Andrew, you didn’t, did you?”

He told her the story of the afternoon at the Mitchell in Glasgow.

“It is just as well that you have, what did you call it, good looks and charm a plenty?”

It was his turn to flush.

“Truce. I mailed the personal proposals back to you with my thoughts, which are many, and my recommendations. The short version is the computer guy has no clue what he is trying to do, so no to that one. The two marine repair guys have a good idea but will need money to get equipment, so I think we go back to them and change that proposal to one for funding from CMS. I will wait to hear from Doug and Leslie as to whether they think it is a good business plan. The woodworker is a yes, at least from me. There should be a second investment in two apprentices so that the volume can increase. Talk about that with Doug and see what he thinks. If it can last until December I want to think about marketing the furniture, use some of the connections that we have. I am thinking a couple of pieces at the distillery, and talking to the local MPs and councillors about getting some furniture from a local firm into their offices. Something to give him a start and then go from there. I will look at the others this week and let you know my thoughts.”

“Interesting ideas, thanks Andrew. I will wait for the package and then set up a meeting with Doug to go through your thoughts. Thanks for calling and we will talk next weekend.”

Having to think about the business was a sufficient distraction that he sat and worked uninterrupted for three hours and had to jog back to College in time for a late dinner. Matt and Navya were there and they sat and chatted about the week. Matt had finally found out the scoop about Tuesday night.

“Did you really buy those girls three rounds of drinks to go and flirt with Jack and Rollie?”

Andrew nodded.

“Yes. They were supposed to wind them up and at the end of the night walk away leaving the pair of them to a long lonely night.”

“Remind me not to get on your bad side you bastard. Well your plan only half worked. Jack ended up on his own cursing humanity and feeling very sorry for himself, but Rollie, the lucky git, was taken back to the Art School dorms and wasn’t seen until Wednesday lunchtime. He hasn’t confirmed anything but they man is walking tall.”

Dinner was relaxed and fun with all three of them speculating what revenge Jack would plan on Andrew, and maybe Rollie just for being a lucky git.

“He’ll try and get me blown up on Salisbury Plain in a couple of weeks.”

This was Andrew’s own prediction. Once again, the weeks settled down into a routine. Andrew was doing well on the course, and was putting the hours in and enjoying the experience. The four of them at the lab table didn’t get on each other’s nerves. Olivia had a knack at setting up experiments and each of them benefitted from a quiet word to fix something they had done wrong. The braying donkey that was ‘Johnno’ had quietened down, not completely but mostly, and from the buzz round the room and at his lab bench he was not doing as well as he expected. Andrew smiled unashamedly. Even Olivia’s stoic demeanour cracked slightly when she heard that.