Author’s Note: If you don’t like shocks and surprises, go read something else. Do not eat or drink while reading this story, trust me.

Tim - age 19

My girlfriend Tracy was about to break up with me. She had a job and I didn’t, and she was tired of paying for all our dates. “I’ll give you one more month, Tim. If you can’t start paying for things in a month, I’m done with your lazy, worthless, broke ass!”

I didn’t think I should have to get a job at only 19, but I’d do it to make her happy. On the way home from class, I was thinking hard about money, and how I’d get a job. I had a feeling I should look to my left. I saw an old ice cream pail upside-down in the weeds in a vacant lot. I felt I should look in the bucket. I flipped it over and found a $5 bill!

Five bucks. Slightly helpful, but far from a jackpot. If I could find more...

I kept concentrating, and I felt I should stop on the 5th floor of our apartment building. I lived on the 8th but figured ‘why not’. I looked around and saw several people visiting their elderly relatives. No money there. But wait, I saw a lady’s purse near a door. She was on the other side of the apartment doing something with an elderly woman. I peeked in the purse and saw cash! I grabbed $50, and quietly walked off. Easy money! Yes!

I walked around searching and trying to find any money I could. After three days, I found another dollar. I prayed, I meditated, I tried everything I saw about Jedis in the movies. I found a quarter on the sidewalk, then a week of nothing. Nada. I’d need to work.

I realized with all the old people in the building, a lot of them would need visiting caretakers. I heard the elderly had to pay a lot for them. I investigated and discovered I would only need to take one extra class for a month. I took Tracy on a cheap date and explained that I’d have a job soon. She was skeptical but stayed with me for the time being.

When I got certified and hired part-time, my first assignment was the old lady Edith, in the room I took the fifty bucks from. I visited for 15 minutes and made a cool ten bucks! $40 an hour! She said she didn’t like me, and I didn’t get assigned to her anymore. I didn’t really like the cranky old bat either and there were dozens more patients within a few blocks.

Things were looking up. I only worked 10 hours after school each week and made over $300! After a few weeks, I got tired from lack of sleep, or something, but Tracy was still with me, and I had some money! Not as much as I expected, but a lot more than I had before. One morning I woke up with a couple of gray hairs in my mouth. My girlfriend was a brunette, not a platinum-blonde, so I thought that was very strange. At that moment, Tracy’s hand entering my shorts was much more important, so I didn’t worry about it.

It still seems that I’m a lot luckier than my friends, and find things much more often than they do, maybe once a week or so. I found a lottery ticket worth a hundred dollars once! I’m thankful for what I think of as my psychic power to locate money. It helps, but I still need to work.

Ernest - age 66

I didn’t really want to move, but my son explained I needed to reduce expenses. I’d have to share an apartment with his wife’s grandmother, Edith. I hadn’t met her, but she sounded like a horrible old battle-axe. They told me she was 107! A hundred and seven! That’s practically a zombie! Just bury her already! I guess that’s mean, and I shouldn’t say that.

They let me talk to Edith over the phone before I finally agreed. It was one very strange conversation. My son handed me the phone, and said he’d be back in half an hour. “Hello? This is Ernest, is anybody there?”

The voice of a cranky old woman responded, “Of course! What kind of moron do you think my granddaughter is, that she can’t do a phone call?”

“No, I was just making sure you were there. Like I said, I’m Ernest. I was an auto mechanic for 40 years. I’d like to get to know you, before I move in with you.”

Her response nearly sent me into a heart attack. “I’m a witch, and I started whoring three years ago; but don’t you think it’s a little sudden to move in with a lady without even a first date?”