Chapter 5

Monday, July 22nd, 2013

“Tori, we can’t.”

“Why not?” She looked like she was ready to start crying again any moment.

“What about Melissa? I thought you two had rules about me tonight.”

“She’ll understand. Please, Ryan. I need you to love me.”

I held her tight. “I don’t think that’s a good idea right now, Tor. I’m pretty sure Melissa would be upset if she knew. If you two didn’t have your rules, I’d probably still be over at your apartment with her. She had to stop me earlier, even though she wanted to keep going. You’re important to her, she didn’t want to mess up anything between the two of you.”

“I don’t deserve her.” She started to cry again. “I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve anything.”

“That’s not true, Tor. We both love you, and you deserve to be happy.”

“I messed everything up, Ryan,” she said through sobs. “Everything was perfect and I messed it up.”

“I think this is about more than just us breaking up seven years ago. Do you want to tell me what’s really going on?”

She shook her head. “I ... I can’t. Not right now. Please, Ryan, I just need you to love me. Please.”

My heart was breaking to see her like this. Tori had always been such a strong, vibrant girl. The only time I had ever seen her cry like this was when she broke her ankle during the conference championship game her sophomore year. She had been stoic on the field, but as soon as we were on the way to the hospital she broke down, not because of the pain but because she felt like she had let her teammates down. Every urge I had was to comfort her, to kiss her, to carry her into my bedroom and make love to her like she wanted, but I knew it wouldn’t be right. She was extremely hurt and vulnerable over something she wouldn’t explain to me yet, and I couldn’t take advantage of that. It wouldn’t be right for her, for me, or for Melissa. “I’m sorry, Tor. I do love you, and I want you to be happy, but I don’t think that’s a good idea tonight.”

She pressed her head against my chest and continued to cry. I simply wrapped my arms around her and held her close, rubbing her back softly. I don’t know how long it took, but eventually she stopped crying. She was quiet, her breath steady. She’d cried herself to sleep. Gently, I picked her up, carried her into my room, and laid her down on the bed. Then I walked back out into my living room. I grabbed my phone to text Melissa.

Hey, Tori showed up at my place. She’s really upset about something, but she won’t tell me what’s going on. Cried herself to sleep. I put her down in my room, I’m gonna sleep on the couch.

It didn’t take long for her to text back. I don’t know if she’d been waiting up for Tori to come home or text her.

You can sleep with her, if you want. It’s fine.

I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Okay.

You could come sleep with me on the couch, if you want.

:-) and I don’t think that’s a good idea.

Are you sure you can’t tell me what’s going on with her? She was really upset.

She responded with a picture of herself in bed, her curly blonde hair spread out behind her on her pillow as she made a kissy face.

Goodnight, Ryan. Thank you for taking care of her. And for telling me what’s going on. You’re a great guy.

Goodnight, Melissa. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.

I sent her a picture of myself from the waist up, lying down on the couch. Yes, I made sure to flex a bit.

Never mind, you’re evil.

;-) goodnight cutie.

Goodnight, sexy asshole.

I went back to my room to check on Tori. She was still sound asleep. I slipped her shoes off and pulled the blanket over her. Then I grabbed one of my pillows and my phone charger and went back to the couch. As I lay there, I did my best not to try to imagine what had happened to make Tori so upset. In all likelihood whatever I came up with was worse than reality, and it didn’t do me, or her, any good to get upset over whatever scenario my brain came up with. She would tell me when she was ready and, whatever it was, I’d be there for her.

When my alarm went off at five forty-five, I was not alone on the couch. Tori had joined me sometime during the night, curling herself up against me as my little spoon. She had taken off her shirt, so my hand was resting on her bare stomach, just below her black bra. I did my best to get up without disturbing her, but she mumbled something as I climbed over her.

I kissed her on the top of her head. “I need to go to the gym. I’ll be back later. Just go back to sleep.”

“Mmmhmm,” she replied. Then she rolled over and did so. She looked so peaceful, much better than the distraught woman I had seen last night. I realized that last night was the first time we had ever actually slept together, as in slept in the same bed overnight, or I guess couch, in this case. Sure, we had sex all the time during the three years we dated, but being in high school meant we really didn’t have any good opportunities for overnight visits. I wrote a note and left it on the coffee table, and then I texted her as well, just in case she woke up before I got back and didn’t remember me leaving.

I arrived at the gym just before six. Paul was already there, grabbing his bag out of the trunk of his car. “Mornin’ sunshine. Back day?”

I nodded. “Back day.” We headed inside and got started.

About twenty minutes minutes into our workout, Paul asked if I had anywhere to be this morning. “I’ve got some time to kill before a meeting at nine. You want to go grab some breakfast after this?”

“That sounds great man, but can I take a raincheck? I’ve actually got someone at my apartment right now, and I want to get back before she wakes up if I can.”

“Sure thing, we can do another day.” Then he gave a light punch to my shoulder. “So, you got a girl back at your apartment, huh? Didn’t realize you were such a ladies’ man.”

“It’s not like that. She’s an old ex-girlfriend. I guess something happened last night and she needed a shoulder to cry on, so she came to me.” I didn’t tell him that she actually had wanted to sleep with me and I’d told her no. Or that her roommate had also wanted to sleep with me.

“Ah, yes, the strong, sensitive type. Or the gay best friend.”

I snorted. “Definitely not the gay best friend.”

“Hey man, it’s cool if you are. This is a safe space.”

“Fuck off,” I said, laughing. “She was just in a rough place last night and I didn’t want to take advantage of her like that.”

“It’s cool man, I’m just messing around. Good to know my new workout buddy is a nice guy.”

Right on time, six-thirty a.m. sharp, the Glorious Goddess of Glutes walked into the gym. My eyes immediately locked onto Miss Triple G and followed her divine derriere as she crossed the room. Paul laughed. “Okay, yeah, definitely not gay.”

I shook my head. “Shit, man. I’ve just never seen anything like it.”

“I plead the fifth. Now get back to your lifts.” We resumed our workout and I did my best not to creep too hard on Miss Triple G. I was mostly successful, but not entirely. After another twenty-five minutes or so we finished our workout. I had originally planned on starting to shower and change at the gym, but with Tori at my apartment I decided to just head back there as soon as possible. As I was about to leave, Paul stopped me. “Hey man, let me get your cell, if you don’t mind. We’ll figure out another day to do breakfast.”

“Sure thing.” I gave him my number and he sent me a text to I would have his as well. “See you tomorrow.”

I raced back to my apartment. When I walked in Tori was no longer asleep on the couch, but I could hear the shower running. My mind immediately conjured up an image of Tori naked in my shower, and my body responded as you might expect. I briefly considered just walking in and joining her, but quickly decided that would still be a bad idea. Instead, I made a cup of coffee and some toast and put them on the kitchen table for her. I heard the shower turn off, and a couple minutes later Tori emerged from my room, wearing one of my t-shirts and drying her hair with one of my towels.

“Good morning, beautiful,” I said. “How’d you sleep?”

“A lot better once I cuddled up with you, even if that couch isn’t the most comfortable thing in the world. I’m sorry you had to sleep there. If you didn’t think we should sleep together you could have just left me on the couch so you could be in your own bed.”

“I wanted you to be comfortable, and yeah, I didn’t think it was a great idea to be in bed together last night. It was a nice surprise to wake up with you in my arms though. Did you realize that’s the first time we’ve ever actually slept together overnight?”

She nodded. “Yeah, I did. That’s why I wanted to do it. Well, part of why. It’s something I always wished we could have done in high school, and it was just as nice as I imagined it would be. I felt so safe sleeping in your arms.”

“I’m glad. Here, I made you some breakfast.” I gestured to the table.

“Oh, Ryan, you didn’t have to do that. Thank you. And sorry for using your shower. I just really felt like I needed one.”

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. I’m going to go grab a quick shower myself while you eat though. And then maybe when I’m done we can talk?”

“Yeah, sure. We can talk.”

“Good.” I gave her a kiss on the cheek. “I’ll be back out in a bit. There’s more coffee on the counter if you need it.”

I didn’t rush through my shower, but I did make it quick. I was anxious to talk to Tori and figure out what was going on, at the very least so I could have something objective in my head instead of all of the crazy possibilities that my brain kept inventing. When I came back out to the living room Tori was sitting on the couch, sipping at her coffee and staring at the wall. I sat down and put my arm around her. She leaned into me and rested her head on my shoulder. We sat there together in silence like that for several minutes before she sighed, put her coffee on the table, and turned to face me.

“Okay, so. This is going to be a lot, but please bear with me.” She bit her lip. “Do you know how long it had been since we’d seen each other, before yesterday?”

I smiled and nodded. “Two-thousand, four-hundred and thirty-four days.”

Her gloomy expression was replaced with a smile for just a moment. “I guess I wasn’t the only one thinking about that.” She sighed, and the gloom returned. “These two-thousand, four-hundred and thirty-four days were nothing like I thought they’d be when I broke up with you, but I need to tell you some of what I’ve been through so you can better understand who I am today.”

I nodded but didn’t say anything, then took one of her hands in mine and gave it a reassuring squeeze.

“Might as well start with the big thing first, since it’s sort of the cause of everything else.” She took a deep breath. “I have a son. His name is Anthony, and he’ll be seven in a few weeks.”

I started to feel a bit dizzy as my brain tried to process that. Tori has a kid? His name is Anthony. My middle name is Anthony. And he’s almost seven years old. I tried to do the math in my head. How many weeks is a few? Three? Five? How long exactly does pregnancy take?

Tori saw the look on my face and rescued me from my mental spiral. “He’s not yours.”

I let out a breath that I didn’t know I had been holding. “Okay, but...”

“I know. Yes, I did sort of name him after you, even if he’s not your son. I was still in love with you, and couldn’t believe that I was going to have a baby with some guy who wasn’t you. But remember I also have a grandfather named Antonio. And yes, the math is pretty close. I got knocked up by the first guy I slept with after we broke up. Pretty stupid, huh?”

I still didn’t know what to say.

“Anyways. We broke up, and then a few weeks later I got knocked up. And that’s where things started to go downhill.” Tori sniffled and wiped her eyes. “I didn’t know what to do. I obviously considered an abortion, but in the end I just couldn’t go through with it. I knew I would have to tell my parents eventually, but I was terrified, and apparently rightfully so. I got really sick while I was pregnant. I tried to manage it, but I couldn’t. It started affecting school, and soccer, and everything. Finally I had to tell my parents. They were furious. They yelled and screamed and cried. And then they kicked me out of the house.” Tori would have just turned eighteen on December fifteenth that year. “Luckily my car was in my name, or they probably would have taken that too. I was too embarrassed to tell anyone what had happened, so I lived in my car for a few weeks before Dayna Stephens figured out what was going on and told her parents. They took me in and let me live with them. By this point I was so far behind in school. My soccer season was toast, and schools started rescinding their scholarship offers as soon as it became clear what a mess my life had become. I was still really sick through all of this, and I just ended up withdrawing from the last semester of high school entirely. I’ll spare you the details, but it took me a long time to get back on track. If the pregnancy was tough, childbirth was even worse, and I nearly died.” She stopped to get herself back under control.