Chapter 23

“Hey, Vicky,” said Rose Hernandez as she came into the office, wiping her hands on a shop towel. Rose was married to the owner of The Breakdown Tire and Auto Shop. Her father and older brothers had built race cars when she was a little girl and she’d basically been raised in a garage. She met her husband when he came to her father to get a transmission replaced and it was Rose who actually replaced the transmission. Later Miguel Hernandez bought an old, run-down building in the rough part of Lawrence and he and Rose had turned it into one of the best places in town to get your car worked on. Rose wanted nothing to do with office work and Miguel was terrible at keeping things straight. That’s why Vicky was hired, so that when some Government official came snooping around, everything was squeaky clean. It also made filing taxes go smoothly every year.

“Hi, Rose,” said Vicky. She and Rose were about the same age and they had become friends, in a duck/goose kind of way. Rose and Miguel still went out dancing every weekend and she got her hair done regularly. She was a vivacious, flirty woman. She and Miguel had tried to have children for years, but nothing happened. They eventually adopted three kids, all older, and all convinced they’d never find anyone to love them. When Rose and Miguel came along they found out that was wrong. All three kids had been in their early to middle teens when they were adopted, and all three felt like they’d been alone all their lives. Once into the Hernandez household, though, they found a warmth and love that they knew would extend long, long beyond their eighteenth birthdays. Two of them worked in the garage. The third had gone on to get married and had already produced two grandchildren for Rose and Miguel.

So Rose’s life and Vicky’s life were very different, but down deep both were just women in America, with many of the same wants and needs as any other woman. And, because Rose was the boss, she could hang out in the office and talk to Vicky pretty much when and as long as she wanted to. They had gotten to know each other very well as a result.

“What’s up, Chica?” asked Rose, sitting down in the chair beside the desk. “Your face looks very serious, girlfriend.”

“Terry asked me to move in with him,” Vicky blurted. She hadn’t meant to say anything, but the stress made it ooze out of her. The numbers hadn’t distracted her like she had hoped they would.

“That’s wonderful!” squealed the Hispanic woman. “I’m so happy for you!”

“It’s not wonderful!” groaned Vicky. “I don’t know what to do!”

“What? You’re crazy about him. I know this! When you talk about him it almost makes my panties damp.”

“Yes, I like him, but this is big. Is it too big, too soon? And what about Bobby? He needs me! Plus, I’m not the kind of girl who just moves in with a guy, Rose,” moaned Vicky.

“Why not?” Rose replied. “You’ve told me Bobby is doing great. It sounds like his girlfriend can take care of him. And you’ll be right here in town. Vicky, I know what you’ve been through during those three years before he started getting better. You went through hell and I don’t know anybody who deserves a little happiness more than you do. I don’t know Terry. I don’t get in trouble with the po-po but I know you. You wouldn’t have given him the time of day if he wasn’t a good guy. What’s wrong with going to be with a good guy and be happy? You don’t have to sell your house or anything. If it doesn’t work out, just move back home.”

“You make it sound so easy,” sighed Vicky.

“It is easy. When Miguel asked me to marry him we’d only been on five or ten dates. But I knew he was my guy. We didn’t have two nickels to rub together, but I didn’t care. I just wanted to be with him.”

“Terry isn’t talking about marriage,” said Vicky. “If he did, I’d probably run for the hills. Yes, I like him. I think I even love him, but it’s too scary to make things get even semi-permanent.”

“Okay, give me five good reasons why you shouldn’t take a chance.”

“Bobby,” said Vicky, right away.

“Nope,” said Rose. “You told me how much you like Mai Li, and how beautifully she’s doing with him. And there’s some romance there, too. He’s in good hands with her. Try again.”

“My jobs,” said Vicky. Rose held up her hand.

“You can’t go to work if you live with the guy? Come on. Give me something I can sympathize with you about.”

“I’m scared!” said Vicky, her voice raised.

“Let me ask you this. Have you liked living alone?”

“No. Of course not. I didn’t want Roger to leave.”

“Why? You said the love was gone. You said all you did was fuss and fight.”

“I liked having a man in my life,” groaned Vicky. “I liked sleeping with someone. I liked having sex!”

“And Terry wants to do all those things with you,” mused Rose. “Do you fuss and fight with him?”

“No,” said Vicky.

“So he could give you what you wanted from Roger, and all you have to do is move to his house and let Mai Li and Bobby stay in your house.”

“What if I want to go out and kick up my heels?”

“Without Terry, you mean?”

“Yes!”

“Did you ever go out and kick up your heels without Roger?”

“No, of course not. He’d have had kittens if I did something like that.”

“So ask Terry if you can have a little time for yourself, now and then, without him being there. He’ll either say that’s fine or he won’t. If he wants to restrict you, then I get it. I get a little cabin feverish myself, now and then. But it’s different for me. I’m around my husband at home and at work. We spend almost all day every day together.”

“So you think I should do it?”

“Honey, I can’t tell you what to do. All I can tell you is to be true to yourself and try to be happy, whatever that will turn out to be. Just do what makes you feel good, and safe.”

“I do feel good and safe when I’m with him,” sighed Vicky.

“Well, there you go. If you’re scared, talk to him about it. Maybe he’s scared, too. Who knows?”

“Okay. Now, go away. I haven’t gotten much done today and your husband is paying me for results.”

“I’ll take care of Miguel. You take care of yourself. I don’t want to have to go looking for another bookkeeper. I like the one we’ve got.” She grinned and sauntered back out into the shop. Vicky knew she was working on rebuilding a Corvette motor that the owner had blown, trying to race. She’d seen the invoices for the parts. Vicky was always amazed that Rose could do anything to a car that needed fixing, and do it as well or better than any of the men in the shop.

When Vicky got home from work she just happened to walk in at the exact same second Mai Li and Bobby’s eyes saw the score Bobby had gotten on the social studies module of his GED test. It was 180 and their whoops of joy had an odd and even disturbing effect on Vicky.

She collapsed into sobs so strong and so deep that she couldn’t stand up, couldn’t speak, couldn’t even motion with her hands. It was by luck alone that she landed on her ass right beside the door jamb, and was able to lean against it.

Mai Li and Bobby’s celebratory shouts turned to gasps of dismay when they turned to see Vicky crying as if she’d just been notified Bobby had died.

Initially, as both ran to her and pulled her up, their questions were met only with more sobs. Her knees failed, initially, and they had to more or less drag her to a chair. Then they had to hold her onto the chair, which was in the kitchen.

Vicky wasn’t sad. She wasn’t depressed. She wasn’t in pain. Rather, what was flooding out of her in the form of crying was stress. It was both old and new stress. She had been required to maintain a stiff, upper lip all the time Bobby was in the hospital and long term care home. She had felt like she had to smile and march on, while her son slept. She had always maintained, publicly, that he’d wake up – and he did – but her subconscious heard all those things the doctors said. “ ... may never become conscious gain.” “ ... brain damage.” ... might be a vegetable.” “ ... won’t be normal.” “ ... I’m afraid there’s not much hope.”

Part of her had admitted to the possibility that he would die, or be handicapped, even if he did wake. Part of her had resigned herself to that, preparing in ways that no one ever wants to prepare. Then Roger had failed her, long before abandoning her. And Bobby woke, but he wasn’t the same sweet boy he’d been when that woman ran over him. Her life was still like a rock in the midst of crashing surf.

It’s almost as hard to give up the negativity in our lives as it is to cope with it. It might even be more difficult, because negativity sinks into our bones and can become “reality”. Negativity is different from positivity in that, when you have a negative outlook on life, it very often meets your expectations. Things can always get worse. And when something bad does happen, you just think, “I knew it would be like this.” But positivity is fragile. When it comes along it can be blown away like smoke in the wind. You want it, but you can’t believe it’s really there. And to open your arms to that might lead to disappointment and dismay.

When negativity has its hooks in you, positive things can be scary and even, in a destructive way, unwanted.

What had happened to Vicky was that her examination of what she saw between Mai Li and her son, along with her own self-reflection about how she felt about Terry, had broken the log jam of pessimism and bleakness that had been lurking in her subconscious, always ready to leap out and laugh, “Hah! I got you! You thought things were getting better but now I’m back! I’ll always be back!” On the way home she had thought, ‘Mai Li and Bobby are in love. Whether it will last or not doesn’t matter. What they have right now is real and beautiful.’ That had led her to reflect, ‘And I love Terry. I love being with him, I love talking to him, I love thinking about him, and the sex is the best I’ve ever had. I’d be an idiot not to move in with him.’

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