Chapter 5: Shades of White

Haena, Hawaii

November 4, 1994

Jake had not known when booking the venue for his wedding that November was the start of the rainy season in the Hawaiian Islands. Nor had he known that the north shores of the islands—which was where the Haena Resort was located—were the windward sides during the winter months. By sheer luck—or perhaps the blessing of Pele?—the day turned out to be clear and calm. The temperature was a pleasant seventy-six degrees at 1:00, when the guests were being seated in the chairs set up on the beach, and there was a pleasant trade wind blowing from the northeast at around ten knots. The sky was mostly clear, with only a few low clouds drifting by. About the only thing that kept the day from being absolutely perfect were the waves. November brought the big ones to the north shores of the islands—to the delight of the surfing community—and this day was no exception. Tremendous breakers rolled in, one after the other, crashing down on the beach with ear-hammering, rhythmic booms that were loud enough to necessitate a PA system be set up so the words spoken at the ceremony could be heard.

Jake and Nerdly, dressed in white tuxedoes, walked up the aisle and took their places before the podium, where Timmy Palakiko, the officiator of the wedding, stood in a pair of knee length shorts, a blue patterned Hawaiian shirt, and a pair of flip-flops. He had a flower lei around his neck and a pair of dark sunglasses covering his eyes. His black hair was shoulder length, but neatly combed. The strong smell of marijuana exuded from him and was carried over the audience by the wind. Despite all this (or perhaps because of it), he projected a regal presence. And the price was right too. He was not charging for his services at all as long as he got to partake in the reception food and drink and would be allowed to hang a few photos of him officiating at the celebrity wedding in his office and use those photos for advertising purposes.

The wedding photography team itself—there were six of them running around, dressed in jeans and casual shirts, snapping away with expensive-looking cameras—were also plying their trade without charge, although, in actuality, taking pictures of nuptials was not their normal business. They had been sent to the venue by People magazine, who had agreed to Jake’s terms for being given the rights to take and publish official wedding photos in their rag. The agreement was simple and did not involve the exchange of money at all—although Pauline had told Jake that he could have easily gotten them to pay twenty to thirty grand for the privilege. They would serve as the exclusive wedding photographers and give Jake and Laura copies of the negatives of all shots taken during the event. They, in turn, would have the right to publish any of their photos.

Once Jake and Nerdly were in place, they turned and looked back at the guests seated in the folding chairs. They were all dressed casually, most in shorts and Hawaiian style shirts, per instructions from Jake. The only exception was Greg Oldfellow, who would no more dress casually for a wedding ceremony than he would skydive naked. He was decked out in a custom-tailored three-piece suit, complete with jacket and polished handmade shoes. The photographers made a point to get multiple shots of the handsome actor in a variety of poses. His wife was not with him at the moment. She was with Laura, behind the door of the staging area in front of the beach, waiting her time to make her entrance.

Jake smiled as he saw his friends and family gathered in one place. His parents were seated next to Stan and Cindy, his mother and Cindy both with tissues at the ready. Pauline and Obie were just to the left of them, Paulie with little Tabby (dressed quite adorably in a Hawaiian patterned dress) sitting in her lap and sucking on a binky. Elsa sat just behind his mother, next to Charlie Meyer and a thirty-year-old woman named Sonya.

“Who is Sonya?” Jake had asked him shortly after being introduced to her earlier that day—right after the two of them had arrived at the resort from the airport.

“She’s the daughter of the guy who owns the cheese factory that supplies my restaurants,” he explained simply. “We’re going out now.”

“You’re ... going out?” Jake asked. “You mean ... like ... boyfriend/girlfriend kind of going out?”

“That’s right,” Charlie said. “She’s pretty hot, isn’t she?”

Jake nodded. Sonya was, in fact, quite attractive, an olive-skinned beauty with a nice trim body, dark, luxuriant hair, and a face that men dreamed of nutting on. “Yes ... but ... but what about Malcom?” Malcom Stone was the manager of the vegetarian restaurants Charlie owned, the business brains behind the success of the venture, and the man Charlie referred to as his ‘life partner’ on every possible occasion. They had been living together as man and husband ever since Charlie had come out as gay almost four years before.

“Oh ... Malcolm,” Charlie said with a shrug of dismissal. “We broke up. It was one of those irreconcilable differences.”

“That’s too bad,” Jake said, though he had never actually met Malcolm. “What happened?”

“Well,” Charlie explained casually, “it turns out that I’m not really gay.”

“You’re ... not really gay?” Jake asked slowly.

“That’s right. It’s kind of a relief to stop living the lie, truth be told.”

“Living the lie?” Jake asked, astonished.

“Yeah,” Charlie said, nodding seriously. “Pretending I like sucking dicks, or having Malcolm stick his cock up my ass. It was getting old.”

“Getting old,” Jake said. “So ... you’re saying you didn’t really like doing that all those years?”

“Not really,” Charlie said with another shrug. “I guess it was a phase I was going through. In any case, having sex with a woman is a lot more hygienic when you come right down to it. It’s also easier to get in and out when you’re wearing two condoms. You know how it is.”

“I don’t think I do,” Jake said. “You’re saying that just like that...” He snapped his fingers. “ ... you’re hetero again?”

“I never really wasn’t hetero,” Charlie explained. “It was just a phase I was going through.”

“A phase where you slept in a bed with another dude, sucked his dick, and let him put that dick up your ass ... all on a regular basis and for more than four years?”

“That’s right,” Charlie said. “Just one of those things.”

“I see,” Jake said, although he did not. He let it go though. This was probably the wisest course of action.

Seated on the other side of Charlie and Sonya were Gordon and Neesh, both dressed in matching shorts and Hawaiian shirts, G with his signature clenched fist medallion dangling around his neck and a four-carat diamond stud in his left ear. Neesh was wearing similar diamond earrings in both ears and had her hair down around her shoulders. The two of them held hands as they waited for the bride to make her appearance. Jake had been a little worried about whether or not G and Neesh were even going to make the trip. For some reason, Laura had been avoiding Neesh ever since that night the couple had come over for dinner. Neesh called her up every few days trying to arrange a girls-night with her, but Laura always found an excuse (most of them, Jake knew, patently untrue) not to go with her. Laura had also found excuses to not go on the two occasions that Jake had gone over to G’s house to work on their song.

“Is something up between you and Neesh?” he asked her on the second occasion, after she told him that she wasn’t feeling well and would skip the trip to G’s house that night.

“What do you mean by that?” she asked, her voice perhaps just a bit too casual.

“Well ... it seems like you keep trying to find a way to avoid being in her company,” he said. “She seems to like hanging out with you. Do you not like her?”

“She’s a wonderful person and one of my few friends,” Laura explained. “I’m not trying to avoid her, I’m just kind of stressed out ... the wedding and everything.”

“I see,” Jake said. “Well, we’ll miss you tonight.”

“It’s nothing personal,” Laura said. “Be sure Neesh knows that.”

But Jake wasn’t so sure. There had been a look in Laura’s eye when she’d said that—a look that had seemed to have a little bit of fear and ... and a little bit of something else he couldn’t quite identify.

Still, Neesh and G had been on the Gulfstream with them for the flight to Hawaii and the relationship between his soon-to-be wife and G’s fiancé had been as it always had. The girls had sat together with Celia for most of the trip, laughing and giggling and drinking glasses of wine. Maybe the wedding stress had been getting to him? Putting odd ideas in his head? It was possible.

Just behind G and Neesh, Coop sat next to Dexter Price and Bobby Z. None of the three had brought a date with them, and Jake had been a little worried about having Dex and Z in the same place together given their tumultuous past with each other, but they seemed to be getting along quite well with each other. Perhaps even romantically well? It was hard not to notice the looks and smiles the two jazz musicians were giving each other. Homer, Sally, Groove, and Squiggle—Laura’s bandmates on the Bobby Z tour—had all been invited, but all had politely declined. Jake was actually sort of glad about this. Laura had told him about her feelings for Squiggle out on the road, and the fact that Squiggle would have acted on them had the offer been made. This was drama he just did not want to deal with at his wedding and he was glad that he wouldn’t have to.

Next to the drummer, the sax player, and the smooth jazz singer, sat Sharon Archer, Nerdly’s wife. Her Hawaiian shirt was of the loose-fitting maternity variety and it hung loosely over her tremendous pregnant belly. Across the aisle from her sat Ted Duncan, the drummer they had used for the first two KVA albums. Ben Ping had been invited but had been unable to attend due to work. Phil, Laura’s best friend and roommate—and the singer in the band that Ted and Ben had formed—was present at the wedding but not currently seated. He would be standing in for Laura’s father and would walk the bride down the aisle. None of Laura’s family were present. None of them had even sent so much as a nasty note in response to the wedding announcement. Laura had not seemed terribly upset or surprised by this.

Beyond the seating area, just to the right of the covered table with the wedding cake and all the guest tables, was a small bandstand. A five-piece group of musicians—reputed to be the best wedding band on Kauai—were standing by. Their name was Hibiscus Dreams and their resume was impressive enough, assuming that any of it was true. Jake certainly hoped so. He was paying them five grand for this gig.

At a cue from Timmy the officiator, the band struck up a version of Bach’s Joy of Man’s Desiring using acoustic guitars and an electric piano. They were actually all playing in the same key and in reasonable harmony with each other. So far, so good.

A door opened in the building that led onto the beach and out stepped Celia, the maid of honor. She was wearing a maroon formal dress that fell to just above her knees and showed a respectable amount of her cleavage. She walked slowly down the aisle—Jake unable to help feeling a considerable tug of lust as he took in her form—and took up position on the other side of the officiator. She offered Jake a sweet smile of encouragement and then blew him a kiss.

The band then switched over to the Wedding March, this time using distorted electric guitars to play the melody.

“And now, friends and family of our happy couple,” said Timmy with a smile, “will you all please rise in honor of the bride.”

Everyone arose and turned toward the back. The door opened again and out stepped Laura Best—soon to be Laura Kingsley—accompanied by Phil. Phil was dressed in a tuxedo like Jake and Nerdly’s. Laura was in her wedding dress. It was a relatively simple frock, traditional white, that had been custom fit to her body. It outlined her trim waist and fell to mid-calf. Her breasts, not the largest in the world by any means, had somehow been made to look bigger than they actually were. She wore no veil, but her hair had been professionally styled by a man reputed to be the best hairdresser on Kauai. Jake thought she was breathtakingly beautiful. Based on the murmured comments he heard from the crowd, most of the guests did too.

The photographers snapped away and the band continued to play the Wedding March as Laura and Phil made their way to the pedestal. Laura looked a little nervous, but she steeled herself forward and took her position next to Jake on one side and Celia on the other. Phil, after answering Timmy’s question about who giveth this woman, peeled off and headed for a seat in the front, next to Jake’s father.

“You’re beautiful,” Jake whispered to her.

She blushed and gave him a smile.

The ceremony, at the request of both Jake and Laura, was brief. Timmy made a short speech about the sanctity of marriage and the bonds of love. Jake and Laura then recited the vows they’d composed for the occasion. They were your basic vows, touching but not earth-shattering. And they were brief.

“Now, if we can have the rings?” Timmy said next.

Nerdly produced the gold band that Jake had bought to go with Laura’s engagement ring. He handed it to Jake. Celia produced the diamond studded gold band that Laura had picked out for Jake’s ring. She handed it to Laura.

Timmy spoke a bit about the symbolism of the wedding rings, about the circle of love that could not be broken, about the nearly indestructible nature of the gold that made up the rings. Jake then placed Laura’s new ring on her finger, nestling it against the engagement ring.

“With this ring, I thee wed,” he told her.

She did the same with his, sliding it onto his bare ring finger.

“With this ring, I thee wed.”

Timmy then placed a wine glass before them. He reached into the podium and pulled out an opened bottle of Napa Valley Merlot that had been pressed in 1991, the same year the two of them had met. He poured wine into the glass until it was about half full and then picked up the glass and handed it to Jake.

“Drink now,” he said, “and seal the pact of your love.”

Jake put the glass to his lips and took a drink. The wine was excellent and went down quite smoothly. He passed the glass to Laura and she drank as well. They continued passing the glass back and forth until the wine was gone.

“And now for the fun part,” Timmy said with a smile. He took the glass from Jake’s hand and wrapped it in a large handkerchief. This, he then placed on the ground at Jake’s feet.

Jake smiled. “I’ve been looking forward to this part for months,” he said.

He stomped on the glass, shattering it.

“Mazaltov!” Timmy and the crowd hailed.

“By the power vested in me by the State of Hawaii,” said Timmy, “I now pronounce you husband and wife.” He patted Jake on the shoulder. “Feel free to kiss the bride.”

He took Laura in his arms and put his lips to hers, kissing her for the first time as his wife.

The guests cheered enthusiastically at the sight.

The reception began immediately on the large lawn adjacent to the beach. An open bar with two bartenders went into operation and the band started to play some lively music. Jake, Laura, Celia, and Nerdly, however, were not able to join the festivities right away. They spent the better part of forty-five minutes posing for pictures in every combination.

By the time they made it to the bar for their first rounds, many of the guests were already edging into the land of intoxication.

“Captain and Coke,” Jake told the male bartender, a dark-skinned mixture of Hawaiian and Chinese whose name was Tony. “Tall, and double on the Captain.”

“You got it, Mr. Kingsley,” Tony told him.

“Call me Jake,” Jake said. “My dad over there is Mr. Kingsley.”

“As you wish, Jake,” Tony said. He then turned to Laura. “And you, Mrs. Kingsley?”

Laura flushed a little at being called this for the first time. “That sounds so weird,” she said. “But so cool too. I’ll have a glass of chardonnay.”

“Coming right up.” Tony pulled down a wine glass and a water glass and went to work. As he put their drinks together, he nodded in the direction of the band. “You know, I’ve worked with Hibiscus Dreams at quite a few weddings, and they’re a good band, but today, they really seem to be outdoing themselves.”

“Is that right?” Jake asked. He had never heard them before today, but they did sound pretty good for a band that did nothing but wedding gigs.

“That’s because Sharon and I helped them with their sound check,” said Nerdly, who was waiting on an appletini from the female bartender.

Jake looked at his best man and laughed, shaking his head. “I wish I could have seen that,” he said. “Did they want to kill you?”

“I’m sure they did,” Nerdly said, “at least, until they heard the end-results of our interference in their preparations.”

“I would like to think they’ve learned something from the experience,” said Sharon, who had just waddled over to join her husband. She was sipping from a glass of sparkling water.

“I’m sure they have,” Laura said, remembering the endless sound checks they had all endured when rehearsing and recording the first two KVA albums.

Sharon became the first to hug Laura as a married woman. She put her arms around her and pulled her tight, having to twist a bit to keep her pregnant belly out of the way.

“It was such a beautiful ceremony,” she told Laura. “Very simple, very dignified.”

“And very brief,” Jake said, accepting a hug from her as well. “Just what we asked for.”

“And just think,” said Celia brightly, a mischievous look in her eyes. “Now that you two are married, you finally get to have sex.”

Jake, Laura, and Sharon all had a laugh at this. Nerdly only scowled. “I can all but guarantee that Jake and Laura have been engaging in unsanctioned sexual relations almost the entire time they’ve known each other,” he told Celia.

Sharon shook her head and chuckled a little more. “It’s a joke, Bill,” she told him.

He looked at her. “It is?” He thought it over for a moment and then shook his head. “I don’t get it.”

Greg wandered over, glass of Scotch in hand, and shook Jake’s hand warmly. “Good wedding,” he said. “Very short and succinct. I particularly enjoyed the Jewish touch there at the end.”

“I was inspired by the Nerdly wedding,” Jake said.

“You should have followed my example and had us wear Star Trek uniforms as well,” Nerdly said sourly. He had, in fact, made that suggestion several times.

“Naw,” Jake said. “That’s been done. I told you that you and Sharon were free to wear your uniforms here.”

“Sharon’s doesn’t fit her in her current state of uterine protrusion,” he said. “And it’s no fun if I’m the only one doing it.”

“Well ... maybe you can talk G and Neesh into the Star Trek theme,” Jake suggested.

Nerdly brightened at this thought. “Maybe I can,” he said happily. “I’m going to go over and suggest that to him right now.”

Jake smiled as he pondered the thought of the notorious rapper dressed as Captain Picard. “You do that, Nerdly,” he told him.

Now that their drinks were secured, the newlyweds waded into the crowd of guests to make their rounds. Thankfully, it was a small crowd. They started with Jake’s parents and Nerdly’s parents. Mary broke into fresh tears when he hugged her, and Cindy did the same when it was her turn. Even Tom seemed a little choked up.

“I never thought I’d see this day, son,” he told him.

Jake patted him on the back. “It took me a bit of searching around, Dad, but I finally found the right girl.”

“That you did,” Tom agreed. He then took Laura into his arms and gave her a big hug. “You’re a beautiful bride, Laura.”

“Thank you,” she said. “I still can’t believe this is all really happening.”

From the parents, they moved on to Elsa, who was sitting at one of the tables with Gordon, Neesh, Charlie, and Sonya. Gordon didn’t notice their approach because he was looking at Charlie with an expression that was half disgust and half morbid curiosity.

“So, you’re telling me,” Gordon said to the bass player, “that when you accidentally got it on with that tranny that one time, that’s what made you think you were gay?”

“That’s right,” Charlie told him. “I figured it was fate that put Roberto in my path, that it was written in the halls of the universe, or perhaps in my subconscious, that I should pick him when I decided to go get a simple blowjob that night. I thought it was something that was designed to tell me that I really was gay. Happily, as it turns out, I’m not.”

“But you went to MacArthur Park, homey,” Gordon said. “You tryin’ to tell me that you didn’t know that’s where the fuckin’ buffalos roam?”

“Well ... I know that now,” Charlie said. “I didn’t know that then.”

“But what about...” Gordon started.

“Look!” interrupted Elsa, who had an expression of extreme discomfort on her face at the current topic of conversation. “It’s the happy couple!” She practically shot to her feet and opened her arms for a hug.

Jake provided it to her.

“Lovely ceremony, Jake,” she said. She released him and then turned to Laura. “And you! You are an absolutely stunning bride!”

The housekeeper and the new Mrs. Kingsley shared a hug. Gordon and Neesh stood next, the former engaging Jake in a complex handshake, the latter hugging him and kissing him soundly on the cheek.

“I dug the glass-smashing bit,” Gordon told him. “Classy shit, homey.”

“It was a lot of fun,” Jake said. “Did ... uh ... Nerdly come over and offer his suggestion for your own wedding?”

Gordon chuckled. “The Star Trek thing? He was dead-ass serious about that shit.”

“Are you going to do it?” Laura asked him with a smile.

“Yeah ... that’d give my street cred a serious boost, wouldn’t it?” Another chuckle. “I couldn’t bring myself to hurt his feelings though. I told him I’d think about it.”

“And that’s true,” said Neesh. “We’re going to be thinking about that a lot.”

“Anyway, how long you gonna be gone down there in that New Zealand?” Gordon asked.

“Just two weeks,” Jake said.

“That’s what you said the last time you went down there,” Elsa said. “And you didn’t come home for more than six months.”

Jake smiled at her. “The circumstances are a little different this time,” he said. “I actually have commitments in LA. And I don’t have anything to hide from.”

“Thank the Lord for that,” Elsa said.

“Did you update all of your shots?” Charlie asked. “I hear they have some nasty microbes down there south of the equator.”

“Of course, Charlie,” Jake told him. “We’d never cross the equator without updating our shots.”

At the next table, Jill and her parents were sitting with Coop, Pauline, and Obie. Jill was playing with Tabby, bouncing her up and down in her lap and making her giggle, while Coop and the elder Yamashito were having a political discussion.

“So, I figure it’s like this, dude,” Coop was explaining. “If your people would’ve just had some good ganja back in the day, there would’ve been some mellowed-out motherfuckers in the head office instead of those aggressive-ass warlords you had running things. They would’ve been able to get their minds right, you know? Think shit through and see where the path would lead. If you’d have had stoners in charge of things, they would’ve seen that fucking with America and bombing our shit over here in Hawaii was a bad idea. If they wouldn’t have done that shit, we never would’ve had to drop the goddamn bomb on your asses. All of history would’ve been different! Ain’t that some shit?”

“So ... you’re suggesting,” said the elder Yamashito, “that if the ruling class of Japan, back in the early 1940s, would have just smoked some marijuana, all of World War II would have turned out differently?”

“You’re feeling me!” Coop said, delighted.

“And my parents and I and my future wife and her parents ... we never would have ended up in that internment camp?”

“Fuck no,” Coop said. “There would’ve been no reason for that shit!”

“Hmm,” Yamashito said. “An interesting viewpoint on world history, Mr. Cooper.”

“Ain’t it though?” Coop said. He looked and saw Jake and Laura. “Hey, guys! How’s it feel to be married and shit?”

“Still getting used to it,” Jake said.

“That’s right,” Laura said. “It still hasn’t quite sunk in.”

Hugs and handshakes were exchanged.

“I must say, Jake,” Mr. Yamashito told him, “that the relative frugality of this wedding is a refreshing change from your normal spending habits.”

“I agree,” said Mrs. Yamashito. “Although flying the three of us here first class was a trivial waste of your net worth.”

“You didn’t like the first class travel?” Pauline asked them.

“Don’t get me wrong,” Mrs. Yamashito said. “It was enjoyable. It’s just one of those things that makes accountants cringe. Paying outrageously extra just for a little bigger of a seat and some free drinks.”

“And a less crowded toilet,” Jake said. “Don’t forget that part.”

“And speaking of unnecessary expenses,” Mr. Yamashito put in, “Jill tells us that they’re getting ready to break ground on construction of your new home.”

“That’s right,” Jake said. “The road in has been finished, the power lines have been strung...”

“One thousand, six hundred dollars per hundred feet, or fraction thereof,” Jill said with a shake of her head. “And it was two thousand, six hundred, and fifty-five feet from the power lines on the road to the house site.”

“Great Jehoshaphat!” Mr. Yamashito cried, imagining the horror. “That’s more than forty-two thousand dollars!”

“Just for power lines alone?” Mrs. Yamashito said.

“Well ... I can deduct it as a construction cost, can’t I?” Jake said weakly.

“That’s not the point!” Mr. Yamashito told him. “You did all this for a house with a view?” He turned to his daughter. “Jill, haven’t you explained to Jake about how paying extra for property with a view is never in the best interests of the investor?”

“I explained it to him, Dad,” Jill said sadly. “Jake doesn’t listen.”

“He certainly does not,” Mrs. Yamashito said, shaking her head once again.

He endured a few more minutes of financial lectures from his accounting firm before breaking free and making his way over to the next table. Here, Phil and Ted were sitting with Dexter Price and Bobby Z, the former two seemingly in awe that they were hanging with the latter two.

As they approached, Ted was in the midst of one of his paramedic stories.

“ ... and so, the dude finally gets around to telling us that he’s got something stuck up his ass and that’s why he called us. I ask him what’s up there and he says it’s an apple.”

“An apple?” Dexter asked, raising his eyebrows.

“A motherfuckin’ apple,” Ted confirms. “So, naturally, I ask him how an apple managed to find its way up his ass.”

“A fair question,” said Bobby Z with a chuckle.

“Right!” Ted said. “He tells us that the apple had been sitting on the edge of the tub while he was taking a shower and he sat down on it and up it went. And he seriously expected us to believe that shit. Of course! We all bring our fruit into the shower with us, don’t we? And then suddenly find a need to sit down on the edge of the tub while we’re showering with our fruit. So ... anyway, we get to the hospital and they x-ray his abdomen, and, sure enough, there’s a goddamn apple up his ass. You could see the seeds and everything.”

“I wouldn’t even think you could fit something as big as an apple up there,” said Phil.

“Somehow he managed it,” Ted said with a shake of the head. “And that’s not the weirdest thing I’ve heard of people sticking up there. My friend Booger Breath—he works the southside, and they call him Booger Breath because he’s always picking his nose and putting it in his mouth—he had a guy that stuck a fuckin’ light bulb up their once. And Rennie, one of the nurses at St. Francis, she told me a guy came in once with a three-cell mag light jammed in there.”

“Big end first or little end?” asked Phil.

Ted did not answer the question. “Anyway,” he said, “there’s one thing I don’t understand about all this; maybe y’all can help me with it since you’re all gay. What’s up with the compulsion to put things up the ass? I don’t get it. I can’t even deal with the doc putting his fuckin’ finger up there for the old prostate handshake. Why would anyone want to stick something as big as an apple up there? Or a fuckin’ mag-light?”

Bobby Z gave a shrug. “I don’t think it’s a gay thing. I’ve known quite a few gay men in my time, as you might imagine, and none of them have ever wanted anything but a dick stuck up the back door. A lot of them don’t even like that up there.”

“I concur,” said Dexter. “And if someone I was with did suggest putting something up there besides a dick—either my ass or his—I’d find myself heading for the door as quick as possible.”