Chapter 34

“Janey,” I started. “There’s something important that I haven’t told you but you deserve to know, something I haven’t told anyone else. But it’s vital you don’t share it with anyone.”

“You know I’ve got your back, Dork!”

“You know I’ve told everybody that when I sleepwalk, it’s to a person I was thinking or dreaming of. There’s more to it than that.”

Suddenly my mouth dried up and I couldn’t speak. It was a familiar experience but not one I’d ever had when talking to Janey. If only she had a fork to jab the back of my hand with like at the Pie Shop. I swallowed nervously as Janey waited expectantly.

I really didn’t know how to say what I wanted to say, so I decided to approach it from another angle. “Janey, do you ... do you ... masturbate?”

Janey’s eyes widened, then she gave me a long, hard, serious stare. “Duh! I’m only twelve. What do you think!”

I felt my face turn supernova hot. What was I thinking of! Of course my sweet, innocent little sister wouldn’t masturbate, she was too young!

Then I noticed the corners of Janey’s mouth starting to bend upwards. Finally Janey could contain herself any longer and burst into a fit of giggles.

“I got you good there,” said Janey, once she could talk again. “Of course I jill off - I do it every day when I can. And I know you jack off too.”

That did nothing to reduce the temperature of my face.

“Janey,” I protested. “This is difficult for me.”

Janey affected a solemn expression. “Sorry. I’ll try to take it seriously.”

I took a deep breath. “Well, ever since that time I got soaking wet on the moors, whenever I think of a girl while I masturbate, I get a headache and pass out then wake up in bed with that girl. And it’s not just when I masturbate, it happens when I have wet dreams too.”

“Ewww, we covered wet dreams in Relationship Studies,” said Janey. She thought for while, presumably about where my sleepwalking instances had taken me. “Wait, I can understand the girls: they’re all attractive. But what about you and Mrs Thomas? She’s not an attractive girl.”

There was no way I could possibly tell Janey that she was my original choice and Mrs Thomas was a panicky second. She would likely be upset that I thought of her while masturbating, but might be even more upset that it failed.

“She was the only person I could think of who could help me. And I lucked out with her sister being a pharmacist.”

“But still,” persisted Janey. “You had to have thought of her as sexually arousing.”

I groaned. This was turning out more painful than I hoped. “After I found Mrs Thomas’s wedding ring, she gave me a hug,” I explained. “It was kind of nice.”

“And the close escape with Ms Edgeway? It was Ms Edgeway, wasn’t it?” Janey pressed.

“As I said, I can’t choose who I dream about.”

I was spared further embarrassment by the sound of the doorbell. I raced downstairs and, when I opened the front door, I found Dex waiting holding an armful of books and papers.

“I’m glad you’re home so I can give you these in person,” he said. “Your Mum told the school you would be home today and I got volunteered to pick up your catch-up material,” he said, passing me the books and paperwork. “I’ll bring the rest tomorrow. When are you coming back to school?”

“Based on my previous rate of catching up, the school reckons I’ll be ready in three or four weeks. Have you got time to come in and play a video game or two? I’m out of practice.”

“Sorry Dude, my dinner’s waiting. How about this weekend sometime? Phil’s just got the next sequel where the enemy are the spawn from Hell.”

I was desperate to go back to the moors to search for the headband, but I guessed another week might not hurt and it might appease my dad somewhat if I didn’t rub his nose in it by visiting the moors at the first opportunity.