Chapter 47: Selfishness?

January 15, 1983, Chicago, Illinois

"Do you want a blowjob?" Marie asked after our third round on Saturday afternoon.

"I'd be a fool to say 'no' to that, but I'll leave it up to you if you want to fuck again, or if you want to sixty-nine. We could do both, too."

"Both?" Marie asked.

"Start with sixty-nine for a few minutes, then fuck until you've cum two or three times, then sixty-nine until you cum and I cum."

"Oh, God, yes!" Marie exclaimed. "Yes!"

Marie's initial attempt at oral sex wasn't very good, but she quickly figured it out, and by the time we'd switched positions again after fucking, she did a credible job and happily swallowed my cum as she had her own orgasm.

"That," she said, breathing heavily, "was amazing!"

We got out of bed and went to the shower. Marie and I enjoyed washing each other, but given the time, didn't fool around. We finished our shower, dried ourselves, dressed, and then she helped me change the sheets on the bed. That completed, I walked Marie to the front door, we hugged and kissed, and she stepped outside.

"Thanks," she said with a huge smile. "I know I probably won't get a chance to be with you again, but it was totally awesome and totally worth it!"

"I had fun," I said. "And you were great!"

"It was as awesome as Clara said it would be!"

We hugged again, shared a soft kiss, and I watched as she skipped happily along the sidewalk to her car. She drove off, and I went back inside.

"Kristy's little sister?" Bianca asked.

"Yes," I replied.

"Didn't see THAT one coming!" she declared.

"I need to put the sheets in the washer," I replied. "I'll be back in a sec."

I went upstairs, lit a scented candle Shelly had put in my room a few months ago, then gathered the sheets and took them to the washing machine. I started the load, then went back to the front room where Shelly and Bianca were.

"Let me guess," Bianca said, "Clara talked up your prowess and Marie couldn't resist?"

"And then Marie went to Kristy and asked her advice," I replied. "You can imagine what that was."

Bianca laughed, then said, "Kristy told Marie 'Go get your brains fucked out! You will NOT regret it!'"

"Pretty much," I replied.

"And," Shelly interjected, "now she'll tell all her friends and you can deflower the entire Senior class at Sugar Grove High!"

"I doubt it," I replied. "The reason she showed up unannounced today is that Clara has designs on me as her boyfriend."

"Seriously?" Bianca asked.

"Yes, she seriously does. She actually said that to me, and Marie confirmed it as one reason she showed up today."

"Are you going to do that?" Bianca asked.

"I only promised to call Clara the first week in February. Is it plausible? Sure. Is it probable? No."

"But you aren't ruling it out," Bianca said.

"I'm not ruling anything in or out until after I see Bev next week."

"Did you decide what to do about that?" Bianca asked.

I shook my head, "No, but I am taking your advice, and I'll decide by tomorrow night what I want to do."

"Decide what?" Shelly asked.

"I'd rather not discuss it, if you don't mind."

"It's cool," Shelly replied. "I didn't mean to pry. Sorry."

I realized almost immediately that I'd made a mistake and needed to rectify it.

"No, I'm sorry. You deserve an answer. Bianca simply advised me to decide what to do about my relationship with Bev before I go to Cincinnati on Tuesday."

"May I add my advice?" Shelly inquired.

"Sure."

"Don't commit to anyone now. Obviously, I have a personal interest in you not doing that, but you're only twenty, and you should enjoy life before you commit to anyone, even Bev."

I nodded, "That is one option, and might be the best one, but I need to keep my own counsel on that."

"Of course," Shelly agreed.

I had something of a plan in mind, though I hadn't completely settled on it. To me, the wisest course of action was something I'd discussed with Bev — invite her to come to Chicago in June with no commitment beyond staying until mid-August, and then decide what we wanted to do. My main concern with that plan was that it was, in effect, a commitment even if we said it wasn't. The problem was that I was basically stuck between two things I wasn't ready to do — give up on Bev and make a lifetime commitment to someone.

As I thought about it, I realized I actually had made a lifetime commitment — to Violet. Granted, that relationship had a completely different character from mine with Bev, but I had promised Violet to always be her friend and to always do my best to help her. That lifetime commitment, though, had no realistic chance of developing into anything beyond friendship, which, in a sense, made it easier. In another sense, though, I had taken responsibility for her, and that was a responsibility I would never shirk.

I knew my reluctance to make a commitment to Bev was due, in part, to Heather. I simply felt I wasn't ready to take on the responsibility of caring for a baby, or soon enough, a toddler. That was the main idea behind living together for two to three months — it would give me a chance to both get used to the idea, and to prove to myself and Bev that I was ready and able to care for Heather.

There was a major flaw in my plan, though, in the sense that if I decided in August that I actually wasn't ready to take on responsibility for Bev and Heather, it would have the potential to be the end of my relationship with Bev. Not just as lovers, but even as friends. That made my plan risky, but I didn't see how to avoid that risk without either giving up or committing.

The entire thought process drove home exactly why I could never allow emotions to invade any financial or market analysis. To do so was to invite disaster, much as I might be doing with Bev if I followed my plan. The problem was, at least with Bev, my heart would not allow me to simply walk away, nor do anything to hurt her, at least if I could help it. I simply cared too much.

That, in the end, was an important difference from all my other relationships. I had allowed Huifen to simply walk out of my life without putting up much resistance, though from her perspective, she might think I had walked away. That was exactly what I'd done to Bev when I'd failed to even discuss the idea of leaving Goshen until it was a fait accompli. I had, in effect, emotionlessly walked away twice, solely because I wanted something different in my life.

"I think I just hit on something," I said.

"What?" Bianca asked.

"That my fear of commitment is, in effect, fear of losing control. Or, to put it another way, I'm selfish."

"No way!" Shelly protested. "You're the least selfish guy on the planet!"

"Actually," Bianca said, "I think he is selfish, because he only does things that are to his own advantage, and he sees being kind and generous to his advantage. If he didn't, he wouldn't do it. Jonathan is, without question, Utilitarian."

"You're the third person to say that," I replied.

"It's true, though, right? I mean, your goal is to be your own man, to be successful, and to be happy. Literally everything you do is in the furtherance of those goals, including being nice to people, sharing, and so on. It maximizes your happiness. When it doesn't, you simply walk away."

"Huifen?"

"Yes, as the prime example. But you did that with Bev, too, right?"

I smiled wryly, "Those were the two examples I thought of when I said I'd hit on something."

"Wait," Shelly protested, "you're saying what appears to be altruism is cynical and selfish?"

I nodded, "Yes. I'm not apologizing for it or beating myself up over it, I'm simply recognizing who and what I am. As someone said, to be successful in my chosen career, I have to be steely eyed and cold-hearted, though I think a better way to say it is to add 'bastard' after 'cold-hearted'."

"This is confusing," Shelly said, "because you aren't an asshole."

"Aren't I?" I asked. "Think about it from Huifen's perspective."

"Hang on!" Shelly protested. "She refused to return your calls and broke things off."

"Because Jonathan refused to commit," Bianca said. "And that was because his major concern was his own happiness. Period. It's worked out well for pretty much everyone except Huifen, but think about why."

"You mean because it makes him happy, right?"

"Yes," Bianca said. "Mostly, that's how we all operate, but we also take our feelings into account. With one exception, Jonathan doesn't."

"Bev," I said.

"And that can cut one of two ways," Bianca observed. "Either that's the reason you should be with her, or the reason you shouldn't."

"But isn't love important?" Shelly asked.

"Is it?" Bianca asked. "I mean for Jonathan, not you."

Shelly was quiet for a moment, then nodded, "You're right, and that's exactly why I never saw him as someone I could marry. But you do, well, assuming he's cool with having a second girl in the relationship!"

"Despite my atheism, I have a strong preference for a traditional marriage," I replied. "I don't know for sure why that is, because I have no external reference, but I think it has to do with seeing Bev's family and comparing it to my situation. That instilled in me a positive view of a monogamous, lifetime commitment."

"And there is literally no reason to act on that right now," Bianca said. "Well, unless you think it'll make you happier than any other course of action. What happens when you apply logic to the situation?"

"I come up with all sorts of ways for it to go wrong, and only one way for it to go right, and nothing I can do can predict the future. That's true at work, too, but I can hedge my bets and ensure I limit my downside. There is no way to hedge a marriage. It's an all-or-nothing bet, so to speak."

"But you can get out, right?" Shelly asked. "I mean, divorce is always possible."

"Sure," I replied. "But how happy would that make me?"

"If the relationship were bad? Very."

"Except his overall happiness would be reduced," Bianca said. "Because he'd be unhappy that he'd failed. And that is the thing I think ultimately drives Jonathan — the fear of failing."

"I've considered failure," I countered.

"Sure, but only in the sense that you'd find a different way forward. The thing that truly frightens you, even if you won't admit it, is going back to the day-to-day struggle just to survive."

"I actually told Jeri that wasn't the case," I countered. "But as I think more about it, you are onto something, because I also told her that my worst-case scenario would be moving back to Ohio and finding some kind of supervisor's or manager's job, going to college part-time, and being better off than I was before. And it's that fear of failing that gives me pause with Bev. What if I can't handle being a dad?"

"I think you'll make a great dad, eventually," Bianca said. "Because you'll be happy if your kids are happy, so you'll love them in your own way, and do your best to give them everything they need to succeed. And Shelly's point about herself and me is something you need to consider — if the girl you decide to be with long-term expects you to be in love with her, or be romantic, or anything like that, that relationship is doomed to fail."

I nodded, "Bev and I were never romantic or lovey-dovey, and she was OK with that."

"I have to ask if you're sure that was the case," Bianca said.

"I think so," I replied. "We agreed we were never 'in love', just that we loved each other. But this conversation has given me pause, and I wonder if I'm truly capable of love."

"Whoa!" Shelly gasped. "I mean, what about your mom?"

"I care for her, I want to protect her, and I'm grateful for everything she's done. I have strong feelings about her, but 'love' is a somewhat confusing topic."

"Because it's about emotion, not logic," Bianca replied. "I suspect, strongly, that your mom is a lot like you — strong-willed, logical, and practical."

"She had to be," I replied. "If I had to guess, her encounter with my dad was based on emotions, and after everything that happened, she simply turned them off, mostly because she had to. We didn't do things we wanted to do, we did the things we had to do. The one exception was my relationship with Bev."

"Do you have a plan?" Bianca asked. "I know you said you'd decide by Monday night, but I get the impression you've formulated a potential way forward."

I nodded, "I think the answer is the one I came up with when I was in Ohio — once the hearing is over, and the judge makes his decision, to ask Bev to come stay with me for the Summer, but with no specific plan beyond that."

"May I point something out?" Bianca asked.

"Given you're basically my wife, yes," I said with a grin.

Bianca laughed, "We're playing house, but I don't think I'm your wife!"

"I was teasing, of course, but we live together, shop together, clean together, and occasionally have sex. From what I hear, that's a normal marriage!"

Bianca and Shelly both laughed.

"The 1950s called and want their stereotype back!" Shelly declared. "The 'dutiful wife' bringing you bourbon, a pipe, and slippers and lying there during sex and not having orgasms is NOT the woman of the 80s!"

"No," I replied. "The woman of the 80s has sex with both men and women, and gets off on being watched when she loses her virginity or watching other girls lose their virginity!"

"Guilty as charged!" Shelly declared.

"Me, too!" Bianca exclaimed.

"What did you want to point out?" I asked.

"What you just proposed is the exact thing you rejected when I proposed it, because you felt it would default to a lifetime commitment."

"True," I admitted. "Though the chances Bev would allow me to fool around with other girls are zero!"

"Sounds like a worse deal to me," Bianca smirked.

I chuckled, "I see your point, but I'm sure you see mine, too."

"Of course. I was teasing, at least in part. Let me ask this — does the outcome of the hearing matter?'

"It could, if Bev's attorney is wrong and Bob gets shared custody of Heather. They could make leaving Ohio difficult for Bev. It wouldn't be impossible, but there would be some hoops to jump through. I have to wait until after the hearing to talk to Bev, because that's what she wants."

"And Bev always gets what she wants?" Bianca asked.

"Pretty much! It sure was like that growing up. But even if I wanted to discuss it before the hearing, I can't force her to have a conversation she doesn't want to have. And this entire discussion has more or less put me back to square one, and I'm not sure what I should do."

"You said Bev wasn't sure, either, right?"

"Yes."

"Then don't do anything until after the hearing," Bianca advised. "Then listen to what she wants, take it under advisement, come back to Chicago, and make your decision here, unencumbered by the emotions you feel when you're with her. I think if you let your emotions dictate the outcome, it will be as bad as if you did that with some investment."

Before I could answer, the phone rang, and I went to answer it.

"Kane."

"Jonathan, it's Bill Wyatt. The owners countered with 5% below the asking price."

"No," I said firmly. "I have no need to buy right this instant, and can take my time. If they want to sell, they have to accept my offer. I'm willing to walk away. I bet they aren't."

"No room at all for negotiation?"

"No, because I don't need to. This is a business deal, and I've evaluated it and made my offer. They can accept or not."

"I'll convey the message."

"Thanks."

We said 'goodbye' and I hung up, then went back to the front room.

"The house?" Bianca asked.

"Yes. The owner countered, and I told Mr. Wyatt I wasn't willing to negotiate."

"Cold-hearted, steely eyed, right?" Bianca asked.

I nodded, "I told Mr. Wyatt I'd evaluated the deal, made my best offer, and it's up to them. They need to sell, I don't need to buy."

"And you won't let your emotions interfere at all."

"No. It's a business deal, plain and simple. I'm buying the house as an investment. It might be a different story when the time comes to buy the 'family home', as it were."

"No, it won't," Bianca said. "It'll be another business deal for you."

"Yes, but I'll have to take my wife's views into account, and those might well be driven by emotion. 'Oh, Jonathan, I love this house!' might be enough to change my views."

"Because a happy wife means a happy Jonathan," Shelly interjected.

"Exactly!" I agreed.

"What are we doing for dinner?" Bianca asked. "Chinese? I can call."

"That's probably the best idea," I replied. "Ellie will be here in about ninety minutes. Are you guys doing anything?"

"Just hanging out here, unless you and Ellie are planning to fool around in the front room."

"In which case you would still hang out here so you could watch!"

"You know us too well!" Bianca declared.

She got up and left the front room so she could call in an order to the local Chinese restaurant that delivered.

"I think I figured something out," Shelly said.

"What's that?"

"You're Mr. Spock! Well, minus only mating every seven years!"

"I thought they were compelled to mate every seven years, but could have sex at any time. At least that was implied in one episode where he fell for a blonde girl."