Chapter 38: He Does Have a Point

December 24, 1982, Goshen, Ohio

"I'm not sure what to even say in response to that," I replied.

"As dumb as this sounds because of how it's usually used," Bev said, "it's not you, it's me. I think all the turmoil with having Heather, starting college, and then Bob being the asshole that he is, has me slightly crazy. And if you say 'slightly?' right now, they won't find your body!"

"I did think it," I admitted.

"I guess what I'm saying is, until I get through this custody battle, or whatever you want to call it, I shouldn't make any decisions."

"That makes sense, but I'm more concerned about what you said about being 'in love' and if you feel that's necessary."

"Maybe," Bev said softly. "Can I be totally honest with you?"

"Of course."

"I was in love with you, which is why I wanted to be with you on my sixteenth birthday, but then you decided to move and didn't even suggest you were thinking about it until the day you told me you were moving, and you didn't even ask me to go with you, or move when I graduated. That broke the spell, I guess you could call it, and you know what happened afterwards."

"I'm sorry," I said quietly. "I made a grave error."

"You already apologized, Jonny, and I accept your apology, but ... well, it changed things. I was confused, and then I got pregnant, and was even more confused. Getting pregnant started the turmoil, and it hasn't stopped. I just don't know what to do right now, so I have to focus on Heather and stopping the asshole from interfering."

"How can I help you?" I asked.

"By being my friend," Bev replied.

"I can do that," I replied.

"Don't be depressed," Bev said, obviously detecting that in the tone of my voice.

"It's, well, I guess I don't understand. But I won't pressure you to do something you don't want to do. Do you want me to stay tonight?"

"Yes," Bev replied. "You make me feel safe and ... loved. And please do not ask me to explain why I'm seemingly contradicting myself, because I don't know."

"Well, now I'm totally confused, but I'm just going to go with what you want because I think it's the only possible way forward. And no, I don't feel forced or trapped or anything like that; I care about you."

"We're both a mess," Bev said, "at least with regard to being a couple or whatever."

And I had more or less created the entire situation by being thoughtless and selfish when I'd decided to move to Chicago and hadn't talked to Bev about it before I'd made the decision and arranged the job through my uncle. I had no idea why I'd done that, or why I hadn't simply asked Bev to come with me, or at least move when she graduated from High School.

Either of those things would likely have prevented the mess in which we now found ourselves. Bev insisted that she wouldn't trade Heather for anything, and I understood that sentiment, but there would have been no Heather if I hadn't been so thoughtless and selfish. My life would have been very different as well, but I wouldn't have missed it for the same reason Bev wouldn't have missed Heather — we'd never have known about the alternatives.

Truth be told, I was in no hurry to get married in the general sense, but I was, for whatever reason, ready to marry Bev. That seeming contradiction didn't bother me because it was Bev, and Bev had been special since we were toddlers. And Bev's question about being 'in love' didn't matter from my perspective, because other than my mom, there wasn't anyone on the planet I loved more than Bev. For whatever reason, though, that didn't appear to be enough for her, and that confused me.

"Are you OK?" Bev asked. "You're too quiet."

"I'm just thinking about everything you've said and everything that's happened."

Bev moved to lie on top of me, crossed her arms, and rested her chin on her wrists.

"I didn't mean to upset you."

"I'm not upset," I replied. "Well, I don't think I am. I think I'm just confused as hell about what to do next."

"Be my friend and wait to see what happens in January. Focus on your new job. I know you're thinking of me, but you need to make sure you don't mess things up with work."

"You're more important than a job, Bev."

"I understand what you're trying to say, but don't throw away the opportunity you tried so hard to make. Everything you've done for the past two years has been about getting to this point, though you thought it would be years from now. Through hard work and I'm sure a bit of luck, it happened in less than two years. If you mess up because of me, I'm going to feel terrible, like I ruined your life."

"You could never ruin my life, Bev," I soothed. "In fact, I told someone the other day that I could take bigger chances and make bolder plays because I have nothing to lose. The worst-case scenario at this point is I take a supervisor job somewhere, finish a degree in night school, and move up the management ladder. I'm really good at organizing and tracking things and those seem to be the two key skills for a manager. I don't want that to happen, but I wouldn't consider having a solid, comfortable middle-class life a failure."

"But you can be so much more!"

"Yes, and I'm not saying I'm not going to try, and I think I'll succeed, but my point is just that no matter what happens, I'm going to be way better off than I was growing up and my family will be way better off. I have no debt, my investments have paid off, and I received a handsome bonus this year, not to mention the commissions and fees I'll receive early next year. If I were to come back to Ohio, I'd have enough money to buy a house; a BIG house with room for a bunch of kids."

"And who is going to have this 'bunch' of kids?" Bev asked with a silly smile.

"You! I figure six is a good number!"

"Are you insane?!" Bev asked, laughing. "Wait, I know you are! But six kids? Seriously?"

"You're beautiful when you're outraged," I chuckled. "And two or three is a very good number."

"You have no clue how much work ONE baby is! I can't even begin to imagine six!"

"The point I was making was the amount of money I'll have in April."

"Your bonus was that good?"

"A total of $14,000, but $10,000 of that was in lieu of a trip for which I would have qualified if I'd been in my new role. They couldn't award it to me because it would have created trouble with the rest of the staff, so I was offered either an all-expenses paid trip for two to spend a week in any city in the US or Europe, or a cash bonus. But I didn't get to know the dollar value of the bonus, just that it was about half what the trip, which would include five-star hotels and restaurants, would have cost. I chose the money because I need to build my net worth and the value of my Cincinnatus Fund."

"$14,000 in addition to the numbers you told me before?"

"Yes."

"So you're going to have over $50,000 in the bank or wherever in February?"

"The bonus money is taxed, and the commission money would be taxed if I withdraw it from the fund. It's complicated, but so long as I leave the money in the investment fund, it isn't taxed because it's considered 'carried interest'. When I take it out, it would be taxed as a capital gain, not as income. And the bonus money from next year, part of that is paid into the main investment fund at Spurgeon, though that money is taxed as income."

"It does sound complicated, but you're basically going from having $1000 when you left home to having something like $100,000 in less than two years?"

"Close to that, yes."

"Damn, Jonny!"

"Change your mind about marrying?"

Bev laughed, "If I was mercenary, I wouldn't let you out of my bed without a ring on my finger!"

"Kind of tough to do because I haven't bought one!"

"Figuratively, then! But I'm not mercenary. It's not about the money."

"No, but the money makes things possible that otherwise wouldn't be, and that is important. As I said, I have the income and resources to care for you and Heather, and all things being equal, that has to be a consideration given you're in decent shape now, with help from your parents."

"Something your mom never had."

"That's true, and in that sense, you're fortunate. I'm very happy your parents are supportive; it's not ideal, obviously, but you have all your basic needs covered, as does Heather, and you're going to school and will have a good job when you finish."

"And paid a pittance compared to you!"

"Take it up with the taxpayers of Clermont County! That said, you'll have a pension, summers off if you want, and a good healthcare plan. Overall, you can have a comfortable life and retire when you're ready. And, if you marry, which I assume you will, things will be even better. Honestly, I think the only way to look at things like that is whether or not you've improved your situation."

"Being pregnant at seventeen isn't exactly improving things."

"No, but you also aren't letting that interfere with your career goals. So you did things out of order or at the wrong time or whatever, in the end, though, you'll fulfill the goals you had when you were fifteen — being a teacher and a mom, and in that order. So the order is backwards? Nobody should care, and the people who do, well, fuck 'em."

"I'd prefer you fucked me!" Bev giggled. "Hard!"

"You'll be loud," I said.

"Shut up, Jonny! Just do what I said!"

I wanted to make Bev happy, so I did as she asked, and she was as loud as she'd been the first night in the barn, and I was positive her parents had to have heard. About ten minutes after we finished, there was a knock at the door.

"Bev, it's Mom."

"Told you," I whispered.

"What, Mom?" Bev called out.

"Come talk to me, please."

"Give me ten minutes to shower," Bev called back.

We got out of bed and showered quickly with no fooling around, dried ourselves, then dressed. I chose to stay in Bev's room with Heather while Bev went to speak with her mom. She was back about ten minutes later.

"Lecture?" I asked.

"Yes. For purposefully trying to tweak my dad."

"Is that what you were doing?"

"I don't know, but Mom thinks so. She said it was totally inappropriate and suggested we don't sleep together here."

I wanted to say 'I told you so' again, but I felt that would only upset Bev.

"Mom said you're welcome to stay at our house tonight and tomorrow night," I said. "We'll be at Glen's house for the afternoon, but home in the evening."

"Mom really thinks I shouldn't because my Dad is really upset."

We'd been foolish, and I should have refused, but that would have created a different set of problems, and the last thing I wanted to do was create any further trouble between Bev and me.

"I'll do what you want, Bev," I replied. "You decide."

"That's how it always was between us, wasn't it?"

"Did you ever hear me complain?"

"No, and certainly not after my sixteenth birthday!"

"I'm clueless about women at times, but I'm not a complete idiot! And in one sense, that didn't change anything about how I saw you, which, in hindsight, is the source of the problem now. Well, that and me being a selfish prick."

"I don't think you are," Bev said.

"Thinking only of myself and what I wanted, and not about what you wanted, seems pretty selfish."

And it hit me right then that it was worse than I'd thought. I had, in effect, by not consulting Bev about Chicago, told her she wasn't important to me, which was about as far from the truth as I could imagine. But I had done it, and I had conveyed that message, and it had to be something within me that had caused it. And that, I felt, was the true problem — Bev had seen something in me that gave her pause, or perhaps even frightened her.

"Don't beat yourself up, Jonny. What time are you having dinner?"

"Mom said 6:00pm today."

"How about I come over around 8:00pm?"

"Whatever you want," I replied.

Heather, who had somehow slept through Bev's moans, groans, and screams, woke up a few minutes later and Bev changed and fed her, something which continued to fascinate me. When she finished feeding Heather, Bev suggested we take a walk. It was cold out, but she wanted to get out of the house. We left Heather with Bev's mom, put on hats, coats, and gloves, and left the house.

"Your dad gave me the evil eye," I said.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"I think you might have undone all the hard work your mom did."

"I know," she sighed.

I took her hand, and we walked quietly for about twenty minutes before returning to the house. It was close enough to dinner time for me, so at the door, I hugged and kissed Bev, and after she went inside, I went to my mom's house.

"How is Bev?" Mom asked.

I shrugged, "I'm not sure."

"What happened?"

"I think everything stems from me not talking to Bev about moving and leaving Goshen. That started a sequence of events that led us here, where Bev said she doesn't want to marry me."

"Now? Or ever?"

"She says now," I replied, "but I have a feeling that she means never."

"Why?"

"Going back to what I said. I hurt her very badly by simply declaring I was leaving. And then I made it worse by not asking her to come with me, either right away or after she graduated in May. That led her to become involved with Bob, which led to Heather being born, which led to what Bob is doing, and to Bev saying she doesn't want to get married."

"Did she give a reason? Or is that what you think?"

"It's a mix of both," I replied. "She did say the current turmoil was affecting her, and said she wanted to wait until everything with Heather is resolved, but I think it goes deeper than that, back to what I said about me leaving Goshen. I was selfish, and I hurt her. She said she had been in love with me, but after that, she wasn't."

"I think all you can do is give her time," Mom advised. "Let her deal with the hearing about Heather, and just offer to support her however she needs."

"That's what I did," I replied.

"Then you've done the right thing now. Don't worry about what happened in the past, because you can't change it."

"No, I can't change it, but it's affecting things now, so I have to think about it."

"Allow me to say it differently — don't obsess about the past you can't change, but focus on the present and the future you can. That's how I dealt with your unexpected appearance in the world!"

"I think my appearance was expected! It was my impending arrival, which wasn't, despite you having sent the appropriate message to the stork!"

Mom laughed, "Wow!"

"I realize that wasn't your intent, but that is what ended up happening."

"Most kids don't want to think about how they came into the world."

I shrugged, "It's not something that freaks me out. How are things with Glen?"

Mom laughed again, "Nice transition! He's fine, and I think he's ready to ask me to marry him."

"And are you ready to marry him?"

"If I am, is that a problem?"

"Of course not! You have to be happy, Mom. If he asks, and you want to say 'yes', then say 'yes'."

"Are you and Bev seeing each other again?"

"She's supposed to come over after dinner, though I'm not sure how receptive her dad will be to that."

"What happened?"

"She's tweaking her dad about me for some reason."

As I said it, I wondered if that was tied to what she'd said to me, and if upsetting her dad was part of some strange subconscious attempt to sour him on our relationship. It made no sense, but then again, neither did what she'd said earlier. Or perhaps it did, and my surmise was right that her 'no' wasn't 'not now' but 'never'.

"One thing I'm grateful for," Mom said, "is that you didn't start trying to tweak me until you had moved out! Bev and her dad have been at odds since she was sixteen."

Which made sense, given that's when she and I had started fooling around.

"What's for dinner?" I asked.

"Fried chicken, mashed potatoes, gravy, corn, and those three-piece rolls you like."

"Do you need any help?"

"No. Just relax and dinner is in fifteen minutes."

Dinner was awesome and after we finished eating, I helped Mom clean up, and then we sang about a dozen Christmas carols, which was our usual tradition. We mostly sang secular songs, but Silent Night was always the last song we sang. We had just finished when Bev arrived, having left Heather with her mom.

I took my mom's advice and didn't say anything about the conversation Bev and I'd had earlier. When we went to bed, our fooling around was slow and gentle, and Bev was quiet. When we finished, she snuggled close, and we fell asleep in each other's arms.

December 25, 1982, Goshen, Ohio

"Merry Christmas, Mom!" I said when I came out of my room on Saturday morning.

"Merry Christmas, Jonathan! Breakfast first?"