Chapter 18: So You Admit to Being a Jerk

September 28, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

“What do you think about the slot machine idea for our project?” Violet asked when we met for dinner before class on Tuesday.

“It’s fine,” I replied. “Just enough graphics to show we learned how to do that, and the program is complex enough with tracking odds and payouts, so I can’t imagine it won’t be approved.”

“Good. I wrote up a brief description for us to hand in tonight.”

She handed me a sheet of paper which I skimmed, then handed back.

“It looks good to me,” I said. “How was your weekend?”

“Boring, as usual! The Hawks start playing next month. Would you want to go to a game?”

“Sure.”

“I can get two tickets for October 13th when they play the Blues; it’s a Wednesday. The husband of a woman at work has season tickets and can’t use those because it’s their anniversary and she hates hockey!”

“I’m guessing that going to a hockey game with your buddy on your anniversary wouldn’t go over too well!”

“I’d go to the game on my anniversary. I love hockey!”

I chuckled, “I’ll keep that in mind.”

“You’d marry me?” Violet asked, sounding surprised.

It had just been a silly comment, but how I responded could hurt Violet’s feelings, and that was the last thing I wanted to do. I also needed to be very careful about not crossing any lines, though I didn’t think it was nearly as dangerous as Doctor Lochner felt it would be.

“It was meant in jest,” I replied. “But that said, you’re a sweet girl, and when the time is right, you’ll make a wonderful partner for some lucky guy.”

“Even with all my problems?” she asked.

“I would call them challenges, not problems,” I countered. “And you’ve overcome them to the point where you own your own home, have a full-time job, are going to school, and have made at least one good friend. That doesn’t mean I think you have no challenges remaining, but compare yourself today with, say, two years ago, before we met.”

“I guess it’s just, well...”

She blushed deep red, which made it obvious she was thinking about intimacy, even if it only involved what people back home called ‘first base’. And that was the minefield Doctor Lochner had strongly encouraged me to avoid entering. The thing was, Doctor Lochner’s approach would, as I saw it, guarantee that Violet never developed a healthy romantic relationship.

I was no expert, but unless Violet was encouraged to take small steps, which included having a male friend, she’d never escape the damage her parents had done. Doctor Lochner had been worried about Violet even having a male friend, and that had turned out just fine, at least as I saw it.

“I’m probably not the best person to give you advice in that regard,” I replied. “Though I don’t think Doctor Lochner was, either.”

“You think she was purposefully holding me back, don’t you?”

“I don’t know much about psychology or psychiatry, but I think she most likely handled it correctly at first. What got my attention was that she kept repeating the statement that you might never recover. That’s actually what bugged me the most, but also her seeming inability to accept that you were making progress. That was just wrong, and maybe I’m way off base, but based on my meetings with her and what you’ve said, that’s what I think.”

“It’s just ... well, after what happened, it’s scary.”

“I can’t even begin to imagine,” I replied. “All I can say is keep doing what you’re doing, make friends, and if someone you feel comfortable with asks you out, you can say ‘yes’ to something simple, like having coffee. Just take baby steps. In a sense, it would be similar to how we would handle things, at least until you were comfortable with the situation.”

“You mean like how I started hugging you once I trusted you?”

“Something like that,” I replied, realizing I’d just compared our relationship to one that might turn romantic.

The waitress came to take our orders, which interrupted the conversation and gave me a moment to think about the line I’d crossed or the corner I’d backed myself into. My biggest concern was that Violet would take what I’d said as some kind of invitation, and while I liked her, I wasn’t sure I was equipped to help her through what I expected to be serious struggles. It wasn’t that I thought Doctor Lochner was completely wrong, because I could see all sorts of potential problems, or land mines, if I stuck with the minefield analogy.

My primary concern, if Violet chose to try to take things in that direction, was what she’d expect me to do. Huifen and I were doing really well, and she was, without question, my choice of all the girls I’d met so far in Chicago. At some point, probably soon, I’d need to focus solely on her, and give up the other girls, including new opportunities which seemed to arrive on a near daily basis.

The biggest question in my mind was whether I was ready to, in effect, ‘settle down’ and work towards what had the makings of a lifelong relationship. What I didn’t know, and didn’t know how to figure out without trying, was whether she was the girl I wanted to be with forever. Every time I asked myself that question, whether it was about Lily or Huifen, Bev immediately came to mind. And until I resolved that, one way or another, I couldn’t commit to anyone.

Fortunately, I’d see Bev at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but it seemed as if Christmas had to be the decision point. If I didn’t decide by then, I had a strong feeling that Huifen would assume I wasn’t ever going to make a commitment, and that would, in all likelihood, be the end for us. If only Bev hadn’t become pregnant, things might have been different.

Of course, if she hadn’t, we might never have had the conversations we’d had, and she might still be dating Bob. Or, if she and I had just talked about me coming to Chicago, she might never have started seeing Bob in the first place. That was completely on me, as I’d never once asked her what she’d thought, I’d simply announced that I would be leaving the first chance I had.

“I don’t think you ever answered about the hockey game,” Violet said once the waitress had left.

I silently thanked whatever force in the universe that had caused Violet to switch topics.

“You know, I think you’re right! Yes, I’d love to go. Do you want me to pick you up or do you want to meet at Chicago Stadium?”

“I think you should pick me up,” Violet said. “With all the people around, I’d feel safer that way.”

“Then I’ll come straight to your house after work that day. Shall we eat at the Stadium?”

“Yes! Chicago-style hot dogs, chips, and Cokes sound great!”

The rest of the meal was, thankfully, uneventful, and once we’d eaten, we headed for class, where Violet turned in the outline for our project. The lecture was both interesting and relevant, covering how to use the various graphics modes on the Apple II, and how to use trigonometry to draw lines and shapes.

I remembered just enough trigonometry and geometry to follow the lecture, which drove home the need for math classes, especially statistics. I’d need to take what amounted to a remedial math course which covered the fundamentals of algebra and calculus before I signed up for stats, but I didn’t consider that to be wasted time in any way. If I was going to use computers to help analyze trades, I’d need to know at least that much, and probably more.

When class ended, Violet and I went to the computer lab to do our exercises, which were fairly simple, and covered what we’d just learned about graphics in our lecture. That left us time to begin creating a flowchart for our slot machine program. We decided not to start trying to write the program, as there was less than an hour before the lab closed, so we left and I walked Violet home.

As usual, she gave me a light hug, but then surprised me with a peck on the cheek. She was inside the house before I recovered enough to speak, so I turned and walked to my car. I had no idea what to do or how to respond, because I wasn’t sure how I felt about Violet, beyond friendship, and I didn’t want to hurt her. I couldn’t, though, allow my concerns for hurting her to completely control my behavior. What I had to do was figure out, probably before Thursday, what to do about the kiss on the cheek, if anything.

I pondered during my drive home, but didn’t come to any firm conclusions. When I arrived, I parked in the driveway and went inside to find Shelly and Bianca doing homework.

“You had three calls,” Bianca said. “Lily, someone named Marcia, and Ivy.”

“It’s nearly midnight, so it’s too late to call them tonight,” I replied. “I’m headed to bed.”

“Good night,” both girls said.

“Good night.”

I went upstairs, completed my bedtime routine, then climbed into bed. I wasn’t surprised when there was a soft knock and Shelly asked if she could come in. I agreed, and we enjoyed each other’s company for about an hour before she got up and went to the room she shared with Bianca. Tired from the long day and sated by great sex, I quickly fell asleep.

September 29, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

When I arrived home on Wednesday, I returned the phone calls from the previous evening, starting with Ivy.

“Sophie and I haven’t seen you for a while, and we were hoping to come by last night,” she said. “But I forgot you have class on Tuesday and Thursday. What are you doing tonight?”

“I didn’t have any plans except for dinner,” I replied.

“Mind if we bring a bottle and entertain you for a few hours?”

“Not at all!” I replied. “Any time after 8:00pm would be fine.”

“See you then!” Ivy exclaimed.

After we said ‘goodbye’, I called Lily.

“I just wanted to see how you were doing,” she said.

“Things are good. How are your classes?”

“A ton of homework! It’s like our professors think that because they don’t have lives, neither should we!”

“I do spend quite a bit of time in the computer lab,” I replied. “So I can commiserate.”

“You’re also taking your class for your license, right?”

“Yes, but because I studied those manuals from Spurgeon, it’s mostly review, and I’m learning exactly what’ll be covered by the exam, which helps a lot.”

“When’s the exam? I’m sure you told me, but I’ve forgotten.”

“October 20th.”

“Which means your Saturdays are taken until then, right?”

“Actually, only until this coming Saturday,” I replied. “That’s the last day.”

“Are you doing anything tomorrow after class?”

“Going to the computer lab, as usual. We’re starting on our semester project and I also have to do my usual homework for the class. Why?”

“Mom’s going to be in Indianapolis visiting her sister until Sunday night. I thought maybe you’d like to spend the night! Friday or Saturday would be fine, too.”

“If it were tomorrow, I couldn’t be there until after midnight. I have plans on Friday, but not Saturday evening.”

“Do you want to spend the night? I’ll cook dinner for you and we can play!”

It was continuing to, as Murray Matheson had put it, ‘rain pussy’, and I was happy to take advantage of it while I still had the freedom to do so. I could, of course, simply tell Huifen that I had no intention of being a couple in the near future, but something about her made me not want to do that. In fact, really, the only impediment was I still hadn’t sorted out my feelings for Bev. Well, that wasn’t true, I knew how I felt, I just didn’t know what to do about those feelings.

As for Lily, she was a fun playmate, to use her description of what she wanted to do, and I enjoyed spending time with her.

“That sounds good. I can be at your place by 6:00pm,” I replied. “I’ll be coming from Schaumburg.”

“What do you want to eat?” she asked, then giggled, “Besides me?”

“I’ll eat whatever I’m served!”

“Chocolate-covered Lily?”

“That sounds both delicious and fun!”

“I’ll go to Dominick’s on Saturday and decide what to make based on what looks good.”

“I’ll see you at 6:00pm on Saturday.”

After we’d said ‘goodbye’, I returned Marcia’s call.

“What’s up?” I asked when she answered.

“I just felt like calling and talking to you. Have you thought more about it?”

“No, but you have!” I chuckled.

“WILL YOU JUST STOP!” Marcia demanded, though she was laughing.

“Nope!” I chuckled. “But to answer the question you intended, I honestly don’t know what to do. I’m leaning, slightly, towards asking my mom for his name, which I think I can safely do. But I’m not sure how much that will help. And if I ask for more information, she might become suspicious.”

“Normally, I’d suggest an argument about medical history, but that won’t work because she believes he’s dead. What about finding your grandparents or uncles or aunts or whatever?”

“I’m not sure I want to do that,” I replied. “I mean, OK, sure, it can’t really hurt me, but I’ve never had any interest. Maybe that’s because of how my mom’s parents and grandparents treated her, but also because I don’t need any more relatives like my cousin Lisa.”

“You didn’t mention her.”

“I try to avoid thinking about her. She’s a spoiled brat who thinks the entire world should kiss her feet and, at age twelve, is already plotting to seduce older rich men to gain favors from them.”

“That’s sick!”

“I agree. Anyway, I’m still thinking about it and I’ll decide one way or the other by the time I call home on Sunday.”

“If you do decide, I can contact my friend who works for the FAA and see if we can find the name on any flight manifests from crashes in 1962. I think that’s the best place to start until you can find out who he worked for.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m probably going to regret saying this, but would you like to get together again?”

“Saying you’ll regret it when asking a guy on a date isn’t wise if you want him to say ‘yes’!”

“Your response is exactly why I said I might regret it!” Marcia declared.

“Why? Because you don’t like me calling it a date? What would YOU call it?”

“You’re a pain in the ... never mind!”

“Sorry,” I replied.

“No you aren’t! You enjoy tying me ... wait, forget that!”

“Keep digging,” I chuckled. “You’ll get to China, eventually!”

“How do I get you to stop teasing me?”

“Stop saying things that have multiple meanings!”

“That’s impossible! Just about every sentence in English can be misinterpreted! And you do it all the time with me!”

“It’s so easy to wind you up! And you keep coming back for more!”

“You have quite the self-image!”

“You’re the one who keeps calling me and asking me out! And who invited me into her townhouse!”

“You’re not going to let me forget that, are you?” Marcia asked, sounding a bit exasperated.

“Nope. Friday?”

“What about Friday?” Marcia asked.

“You can’t be that dense!”

“You mean to go out? You’re free?”

“Free? No. I’m cheap, but not easy,” I chuckled. “I just told a friend I was busy Friday night.”

“Bummer.”

“Why? I suggested Friday.”

“But if you’re busy ... wait! I don’t believe you!”

“What?” I asked innocently.

“You were so sure I’d call and ask you out again that you told someone you were busy on Friday.”

“Yes.”

“I hate you!” Marcia growled.

“Sorry,” I chuckled.

“No you aren’t! How did you know?”

“Remember what I said about analyzing things? It was obvious from everything you said and did that you were going to call and want to see me again. You simply couldn’t believe that I turned down an invitation to have sex before you asked.”

“I should hang up right now!” Marcia declared.

“But you won’t,” I replied. “Because you’ve found yourself in a situation with a complete role reversal, and that has you so intrigued you were compelled to call me.”

“Jeri was totally right about you,” Marcia said. “Can we be completely serious?”

“Yes. What did she say?”

“In addition to being intelligent, aggressive, and driven, she said you were a quick thinker, an excellent analyst, and had a crazy sense of humor.”

“And your hangup is that I’m five years younger than you are,” I replied. “And you don’t know what to do about that. I’m guessing you never dated anyone younger.”

“You’d guess correctly. My friends in High School would have flipped out, and so would my friends in college.”

“And your friends now?”

“I’d get some grief, but not too much.”

“Remember the conversation from Friday? You have to decide if I’m worth it.”

“But are you interested?”

“As friends, yes. Beyond that? I think I told you I’m seeing someone, but we aren’t a couple. I’m not locked into any specific future, which means meeting people and getting to know them. I think you’ll be a good friend and I think Jeri is right about developing contacts and suggesting you, Gary, and Nelson. But beyond that? We’ll have to see where things go.”

“We could go to the same place on Friday, if you want. That way, you can have a beer legally.”

“That’s fine, though I have one condition.”

“What?”

“That you call it what it is.”

“Fine,” Marcia huffed. “Would you go on a date with me on Friday?”

“See, that wasn’t so hard, was it?”

“That would be very disappointing!” she teased.

I laughed, “Well played! See you Friday at the Hancock Center?”

“Yes.”

We said ‘goodbye’, I hung up, then joined Bianca and Shelly for dinner. I let them know about my guests, and there was some good-natured ribbing. After we ate, I helped clean up the kitchen, then relaxed until Sophie and Ivy arrived. They wasted no time in taking me up to my room and proceeding to jointly fuck me within an inch of my life. They finally left around 2:00am, and I quickly fell asleep, exhausted but thoroughly satisfied.

October 1, 1982, Chicago, Illinois

Friday was surreal, with more reports of people dying from taking Extra-Strength Tylenol that appeared to have been laced with cyanide. The first reports had come on Thursday, and so far seven people had died. I only used aspirin, but Bianca and Shelly had Tylenol, which they threw out based on advice from Mayor Byrne. The strangest thing had been the police cars and Fire Department ambulances rolling down the streets making announcements: