Chapter 2

“So, it’s true, then? You’re dating Elizabeth Hornswoggle?” Chandler teased Ross as they sat on their familiar couch at the Central Perk.

“Hornswoggle, that’s a funny one!” Joey Tribbiani cracked up, even as Monica, Rachel, and Phoebe walked into the cafe.

“What’s funny again?” Phoebe asked, apparently having missed the first part of the convo.

“Hornswoggle. Ross’s new girlfriend’s name ... Elizabeth ... Hornswoggle,” Chandler told her, making the quirkiest of the friends giggle in response.

“Hornswoggle? She’ll be glad to marry you and become a Geller instead,” Phoebe teased Ross now.

“At least until it’s time to get divorced! Number three, coming up!” Monica joked about her brother’s two past, unsuccessful marriages, punctuating her comments by raising her mug.

“At least I can get them to marry me, and one of them was gay!” Ross retorted, provoking his sister to flip him off.

“At least I won’t be saying an ex’s name at the wedding, just because I rushed into the marriage while still in love with another woman!” Monica commented, now feeling competitive with the putdowns and comebacks.

“Hey, he’s not in love with me anymore, right? Just because he said my name while marrying Emily ... oh, wait ... are you saying that it’s my fault that he did that? I mean, I guess that I shouldn’t have attended the wedding, but still...,” Rachel stared at Ross as if trying to figure out just how he felt about her.

“Oh, come on ... of course, he still loves you ... you two just can’t get over your stupid beef about the break!” Joey, usually the dense one, could figure that one out.

“Joey ... just stop! You’re not helping here!” Ross insisted, not wanting to acknowledge any feelings about Rachel right then.

After all, he had two girlfriends now. He wanted Rachel, but he wasn’t sure how this would affect such a hope that lingered in the back of his mind. It seemed very unlikely, given the chasm between them caused by the “break,” especially since he couldn’t make himself believe that he did anything wrong. Sure, in the immediate wake, when his heart and mind were habituated to thinking of himself in a relationship versus single, he tried to conceal the incident.

Even so, it was a break-up, he was a free agent, he had been drunk, and Chloe had been consistent. In some paranoid part of his mind, he still believed that Gunther told Rachel because the cafe proprietor wanted her for himself. He couldn’t prove it, but why else divulge such a thing? Ross didn’t think that the man had any kind of spite or malice for him, and surely, he would understand what it might be like to be in Ross’s place. There was nothing unethical about what Ross did, given that he was newly single instead of still involved with Rachel, so what other reason might there be?

Well, thought Ross, now I’m not a free agent at all. I’m intimate with two women, both of whom seem very cool with sharing me. That was something that he had clinically, intellectually accepted as a paleontologist, of course, given that he accepted the reality of human evolution. Monogamy was a relatively more recent, human invention. He even tried to explain that to Chandler once, but he hadn’t been in that situation with the Italian actress/model who had both a husband and boyfriend. In his own life, probably because of his upbringing, he had just assumed that any kind of serious, permanent relationship would be monogamous. Only recently had he accepted that this truly wasn’t the case.

“Yeah, I hate to say it, but I have to agree with Ross here, Joey. You’re not helping. Ross and I are trying to get along, post-breakup, as well as we can ... as friends. Do I miss dating him? Sure, at times. That doesn’t mean that I’m going to just ... assume that he still wants me or that I’m going to start trying to break him up with his new girlfriend. What’s her name again? Elizabeth something or other?” Rachel tried that same old trick that Ross did with Josh before.

“Hornswoggle. Elizabeth ... Hornswoggle ... you know, like a character from Fraggle Rock or something!” Chandler joked before he realized that he had broken his New Year’s Resolution.

“Alright, Bing, pay up! You’ve broken your Resolution twice now since we’ve sat here!” Monica told her boyfriend rather saucily.

“Damn, I should have known ... well, it was this or take up smoking again! I guess that it’s time to lighten up!” Chandler reached for a pack of cigarettes that he hid in his left pocket.

“Oh, no, honey, that’s not gonna happen here ... how about a better New Year’s Resolution, such as making our relationship better somehow?” Monica discouraged him while snatching away the first cigarette.

“Well, we could always get married!” Chandler half-seriously suggested, “or make a resolution to that effect. Or try for a baby!”

“Oh, no, dear, no trying for a baby until there’s a ring on it!” Monica taunted him, clearly angling for marriage, “until then, it’s latex city! Your choice, a rubber on you or a wedding band on me.”

“Very well, then. My new New Year’s Resolution is to propose marriage by the end of the year and see if I can convince you to accept my proposal. I guess that I won’t have to pay up just yet on that one,” Chandler made a quick joke, but he seemed in earnest.

“Yep, you’re whipped!” Joey did the whip-cracking sound.

Phoebe gave him a scathing look for some reason, followed by Monica and Rachel.

“What, is there never a good time around you three to crack the whip jokes?” Joey blurted.

“In any case, for the record, I have two girlfriends, and yes, they know about each other, so it’s not cheating. They’re roommates!” Ross quickly changed the subject, mostly to save Joey, but also to annoy the ladies.