Chapter 1

Ross was at a real loss concerning what to do about the shrunken leather pants and how to get them back on himself at the apartment of one Elizabeth Hornswoggle. He was extremely embarrassed frankly didn’t wish to admit to the bizarre situation of being unable to get his pants up. What would Elizabeth think about this if she found out about her pantsless date. He was just about to call Joey when he heard a knock on the bathroom door.

“Ross, are you okay in there? You’ve been in there for ages now!” Elizabeth asked her date, being more than a little annoyed as well as concerned about his disappearance.

“Well ... it’s very embarrassing, but I can’t ... get my pants back up! They’ve shrunk or something and they were already kind of tight on me! They’re leather, I guess that’s why!” Ross confessed out of sheer desperation.

“Well, of course, they shrank ... they were way too tight already, though I admit that’s part of why I went out with you. I could ... sorta see your bulge in them ... and, well, it was pretty nice! I’ll help you out, but you have to let me in, so, well, you’ll just have to deal with me seeing you in your underwear!” Elizabeth felt a little impish now.

“Okay, but I must warn you ... I’m not wearing any ... underwear at all. I couldn’t fit my pants over them,” Ross admitted to her now.

“Oh, a man in just his shirt ... nice! Come on, Ross ... open the door!” Elizabeth urged him.

“Alright then, have it your way ... I’m just not sure how you can ... help me!” Ross told her, “promise not to make fun of me?”

“Well, I can’t promise no teasing, but I can promise that I will help you out, okay?” Elizabeth cautioned him, “this is pretty amusing ... and arousing situation.”

Ross sighed and opened the door with no further fanfare, dreading Elizabeth’s reaction. The blonde with the funny surname looked at him, looked down at his pants, and immediately burst into laughter. Then she knelt and unlaced his shoes before sliding his pants all the way down to his ankles.

“Now, hold onto something, Ross. No way, lay down on the floor, and we’ll get these pants all the way off you without tripping you, okay? It’s my place, my rules, okay? I swear, if and when I visit your place, you can boss me around. But this is my place ... and you’re not wearing pants, while I am, so guess who’s in charge right now? You’re a scientist, so that makes you pretty smart, so you should be able to figure that one out,” Elizabeth laughed as she finished removing Ross’s pants.

“Okay, so I’m ... pantsless ... and bottomless ... in a woman’s apartment bathroom. What next?” Ross thought aloud.

“Now, we take advantage of the opportunity for some real fun!” Elizabeth reached for the lotion and lifted his shirt just enough to expose his surprisingly large cock.

Ross was more of a grower than a shower, of course, but now he was quite fully grown to full stiffness. As Elizabeth applied the lotion to his dick and his balls, he felt the softness of her hands and she delighted in his thick, circumcised rod. She giggled as she opened his shirt and got him completely nude. She began kissing his chest as she fondled his package, giving him a handjob that he wasn’t likely to forget.

“So ... is this why you keep that lotion around?” Ross asked her now.

Elizabeth simply laughed and winked at him as she continued to wank his prick as much as she could. Then she continued kissing him down to his navel, where she stuck her tongue right in and circled it a bit. Ross groaned as she masturbated him, getting very close to the edge quite a few times before she backed off and left him there. By now, his was a very large, red, and angry looking cock and she laughed as she raised her skirt to climb aboard him. She pushed her panties aside, and within seconds, he was inside her.

“Wait ... I don’t have ... a ... condom ... on!” Ross warned Elizabeth, who snickered as she rode him very hard.

“Okay, so what? Don’t worry about coming too fast. We’ll get that out of the way and then you’re my captive all night long. And I’m going to milk you! I’m going to drain your balls completely, like a succubus! I’ve often fantasized about being one ... and draining a man’s balls so totally!” the hostess told her guest now as she rode him good and hard.

Elizabeth kissed Ross repeatedly and rode him harder, even as he found it so much more difficult to hold back. Ross lost it now, exploding inside Elizabeth, spurting rope after rope after rope inside her gooey snatch. Elizabeth kissed him again after that and laughed a little more as she planted her ass on his face now.

“Lick it, please. My ass. Not my pussy. I don’t want your tongue in there, messing up the good, hard work that we did to put a baby in me! Yes, Ross, this was about one thing most of all, which was why I was so frustrated, but not anymore. This about you knocking me up! My real last name isn’t Hornswoggle, either. That was a hint that this was a charade. A ‘hornswoggle’ is an old-time word for a scam or sham. Yes, Ross, put it deeper up my ass. Lick it good!” Elizabeth confessed, even as she relished the prospect of carrying a scientist’s baby.

Her first child could be a fucking genius, she was sure of that! He needed more confidence that this poor fellow who had blundered into her arms, but he or she would have MENSA level intelligence, she was sure of that. She wasn’t about to let anything get in the way of carrying the spawn of a man of such high intellect. Elizabeth wanted what she wanted, and she wanted to carry the next Bill Gates, Stephen Hocking, or Richard Leakey. Or Jane Goodall, for that matter.

As for Ross, he was a bit overwhelmed by the way this flirty, fun-loving woman had decided to take command and have her way with him. She was a bit aggressive and domineering in this first encounter, though she had offered to submit in an encore. What was she after, being yet another wife of his? Hadn’t he been married and divorced enough? As for her bottom, he had only licked one before, that of his kinky ex, Bonnie, but she didn’t taste bad at all. He was hesitant to eat his own creampie, anyway, so this was better than that at least.

“Oh, fuck ... Ross ... this really gets me hot and bothered! Let’s take this back to the sofa! And when we’re done with that, we can take it to my bed!” Elizabeth encouraged him as she creamed from his unexpectedly great rimjob.

Ross, my man, what have you gotten yourself into here, Ross thought to himself as he was practically dragged, naked, back to the sofa. Elizabeth peeled off her panties and put them on his before taking them off his flesh with her own teeth. Then she put them on his navel, of all places, and started working him back to stiffness with her hands.

Elizabeth leaned over Ross and kept giving him a lot of tongue while she jerked him back to hardness with a serious hand job. She still wore a lot more clothes than him, but she took care of that now, removing her top and bra in a hurry. Then she slid her skirt down and stepped out of it, making herself entirely nude ... except for her shoes. She bent over in front of him as she took off said shoes, letting him see her bare ass all over again.

“Did I mention that I’m fertile today? Well, I am. But I’m not telling you my real surname ... yet. Not until at least after we fuck at your place! Before you ask ... I sometimes do fuck on the first date ... and sometimes not. Depends on my mood. Well, you’re definitely getting lucky on our second date, too! And our third, if we have one.

“Which I hope that we do. I want at least three dates over the next few days, just to make sure that your seed does its job. Bareback, of course. I want to have your baby! You’re already a father, so it’s clear that you’re fertile, too!” Elizabeth told Ross as she slid back onto him.

“So ... what am I going to wear ... home?” Ross asked her now.

“Don’t worry about that until tomorrow, babe. I can’t promise a serious relationship.Maybe it will happen, maybe not. I’m in it for the pregnancy first and foremost. A baby genius in my womb! So, tell me, Dr. Geller, what’s your ... religion?” Elizabeth teased him as she worked on his private parts with her hands again.

“I’m ... Jewish ... why do you ask?” Ross told her, feeling intense pleasure by now, even if he was a little sore...

He had done it with Carol five times in one night, after all.

“All the way Hebrew? Sweet! I guess that makes me a shiksa, right? I’m Congregationalist, technically at least. I’m from Providence, Rhode Island, originally. My father is a minister, in fact. I’m a bit lapsed, though. You seem kinda secular yourself, being into evolution and all that jazz, am I right?” Elizabeth kept up the small talk, even as she made him very erect again.

Ross laughed as he thought of what Joey might say about “homo erectus” or whatever. Well, he definitely wasn’t homo, not in the way that Joey might imply. Being “erectus,” though, he was absolutely that right then, especially as Elizabeth started riding him again. She put his hands on her ass as well, clearly sensing that this part of her anatomy held some appeal to him by now.

“Be honest, though ... your name really is Hornswoggle, isn’t it? There’s no fucking way that a person would use that name unless it was theirs,” Ross deduced, “not even for a hint.”

“Okay, you busted me! But I still want to go to your place and give you a chance to be in charge there! And then ... then we can see where to go on the third date ... there has to be at least one of those, so I can make sure that you knock me up! I really want to have your baby!” Elizabeth all but admitted that, yes, her last name really was Hornswoggle after all.

“That must have been rough in school, with bullies and all that jazz!” Ross groaned as his new partner rode him even harder.

“Yes, but it’s also fun in ways. They used to call me ‘Horny Swoggle’ and other little silly joke versions of my name ... and they weren’t far off as I got older. I’m a fucking nympho slut at times! But only for ... well, this is awkward to admit, but it’s true ... I’m only a slut for really smart guys, nerds, geeks, and such like you! No dumb jocks need to apply. On my prom night, I let the entire Chess Club gang-bang me!” Elizabeth confessed now.

“Damn, I clearly went to the wrong high school!” Ross laughed nervously as he considered that she might carry some kind of STD or whatever.

“Relax, I’ve been tested. See? Besides, it’s too late even if I were infected. You already came inside me and all! I’m the one taking the chance. You haven’t been tested, as far as I know, and I let you go bareback inside me! All worth it ... unless you gave me chlamydia. I had to take the chance, because you were a smarty-pants type and it was my fertile time!” Elizabeth told him, “I could even handle the clap, because there are drugs for that ... and I would remember you fondly even as my pee burned.”

For some reason, talk of venereal diseases wasn’t enough to put Ross off his randy mood, probably because Elizabeth really worked her Kegels right then. She clenched him good and tight, determined to get him closer to the edge and ensure that he spilled his seed inside her already soaked snatch. He enjoyed the sight of her tits hovering above him as she bounced repeatedly on his pole, too.

When Elizabeth moved his hands between her cheeks to direct him to play with her asshole, it was a bit of a shock, but Ross soldiered on with the act. She was a kinky lady, he knew that now, but he was glad that for once he was a vital part of the kink. Nerds like him basically were her main fetish, after all. At least her target demographic wasn’t known for transmitting a lot of VD, was it?

Ross came just seconds before he passed out on Elizabeth’s sofa, so she curled up with him and didn’t bother to go back to her bed that night. He awoke to her riding him all over again the next morning, which was a bit eerily similar to Bonnie’s behavior. Then again, those two had a lot in common. With his luck, they’d probably meet through him somehow, diss him, and start dating as a lesbian couple, with Elizabeth carrying his baby just like Carol.

He just hoped that Elizabeth didn’t shave her head, too.

“Oh, God, you mean business, don’t you?” Ross told Elizabeth, who kissed him and winked.

“Yep. I know that you have to go to work today or something, but just remember our date at your place. Where was that again? And what’s your number, just in case? I want to give you one last ride to remember me by as you go to work! Just remember that until I get my three dates in, you’re mine! I want to carry your child! Your super-smart, rocket scientist baby! No fucking co-eds until I get your spawn inside me, three nights in a row!” Elizabeth encouraged him as she clenched him tightly and made him seed her again, “you’ve a girlfriend now for at least these three dates! You’re not single anymore for that long.’

“Not even if we’re on a break?” Ross joked.

“No breaks with me ... not until we’re done making a baby together!” Elizabeth didn’t get upset as Rachel might at that reference, but she didn’t find funny, either.

What the hell is wrong with me? I have a son already by Carol and I’m about to make another kid? Is that wise? Can I afford the child support? Will she want something more after this, and then cheat on me with someone even smarter? Where is this going?

“Relax, honey ... and take a shower! You’re all hot and sweaty. My fault, I know, but you can’t go to work like that. And don’t worry ... I’m in no rush to name the father yet. We’ve got nine months to figure that stuff out. If all goes well ... and if not, I’ll hunt you down and fuck you all over again,” Elizabeth told Ross as she started the hot water for him, “I’d join you, but I have to go find some clothes for you and make you some breakfast. Some eggs for you since you fertilized mine.”

Ross shook his head as he realized that he was in for a lot of questions, teasing, and more from his friends and family. What would he say to explain this? Would they understand or would they get upset with him or make fun of him for it? He only knew that he was about to find out.

Looks like Monica’s gonna be an aunt all over again ... and Mom and Dad will be grandparents once again. Was Rachel going to try to sabotage this one, too? She had a bad habit of that, maybe out of jealousy or spite or something. It was a given that Chandler and Phoebe would give him at least a little grief over his new baby mama with the weird name, of course.

Why was he agreeing to this, anyway? Why did he agree to this temporary relationship deal with a woman with a funny name and a serious nerd kink? Well, she had him at a disadvantage, didn’t she? She was certainly the aggressor, but would she remain that way or really keep her word about letting him take charge ... and what would he do if she did? He’d never really ... done that kind of thing, but it sure felt as if she wanted him to do so.