Chapter 16: Bad Behavior

The white marble fountain sat atop a large staircase that descended at least a hundred steps down to a massive hedge garden below. From Mike’s place by the fountain, he could see the surly figure at the other edge of the garden. He crossed his arms over his breasts, then coughed to hide his embarrassment and let them hang by his side.

“It’s a little weird, you know.” When he spoke, it was in Hestia’s voice. “Knowing that we’re both piloting the same meat suit.”

“You’re telling me.” Their shared lips twisted into a grin. “An unfortunate outcome of my current predicament.”

“So how do I know which one of you is talking?”

Mike turned to see Kisa sitting on the edge of the fountain, her hackles raised in alarm as she looked around. Upon seeing him, she let out a sigh of relief. Kisa hopped to her feet and gave him a big hug, pressing her face into his breasts.

“Freaked me out for a second, I had no idea how I got here. Then I see you standing there in someone else’s body. Damn, you’re stacked.” Kisa let out a purr from her new location. “Hey, I’ve got a really fun idea—”

“There’s no time for that,” Hestia said, pushing Kisa back. “We were summoned here by another player. You can choose to ignore the summons, but I thought you would want to meet with him.”

Mike sighed and looked at the man lurking down by the gardens. “It’s fucking Frankie, isn’t it?”

Hestia nodded. “It is.”

“What about the others?” asked Kisa. “I was sitting with Tink when—”

The goddess held up her hand and the catgirl went quiet. “You are still sitting with your friend. Also, time is different in this place. It is much like the Dreamscape.” She turned her attention to Mike. “A reminder that you and the Captain can speak for many days here, yet only moments will have have passed in your world. The gods all agreed early on that this would prevent players from being ruthlessly assassinated during such meetings. This space is safe for you. No harm can be done here.”

“I don’t suppose we could make him climb the stairs?” Mike crossed his arms and sneered down at the garden. “If I can’t hurt him, it would be a little funny to push him back down.”

“Perhaps. But it would piss off his god.” Hestia made a sound in the back of her throat. “Who I might add has quite the temper.”

“So who is our lovely Captain wearing today? We talking Hades? Ares? Ralph Lauren?” Mike started down the stairs.

Hestia laughed. “I would remind you that our case is unique. The Captain and his god are two separate entities here, so it’s likely that he’s nearby.”

Mike noticed that the Captain stood at the edge of the garden and made no move to meet him halfway. The man looked much older than he remembered and was wearing a fancy gray cotton long coat with a matching tricorn hat. A sneer was fixed on Francois’ lips, which looked extra intimidating beneath his new eye patch. Since the guy was being a dick and time wasn’t actually passing, Mike took his time moving through the hedge garden, stopping occasionally to study the flowers. Several of them were made of light that sparkled when he touched them.

“Your friend is getting impatient,” said Kisa.

“Fuck him. He’s the one who called me here.” Mike frowned. “Which I could have ignored, yes?”

“You could have. But it would have been very rude.” Hestia plucked a nearby flower and tucked it in her hair. “Also, you never know what can happen at meetings like this. I’ve seen allies go to war over a few words, or enemies reconcile. And while this place seems empty, it has a memory of its own. When the two of you part, the others will know on what kind of terms. You may end up with an unexpected ally in the future as a result.”

“Or another enemy.”

Hestia laughed. “You seem to have no trouble making those.”

“She’s not wrong,” added Kisa.

“Alright, alright, enough girl talk.” Mike noted the shortest path through the hedges and moved to walk it. “Let’s go see what this assmunch wants.”

As they approached Captain Francois, Mike could see that the man was seething, but also looked very smug. There were many possible reasons that Francois had called him here, but Mike immediately doubted he would like anything he was about to hear.

“Frankie. Good to see you.” Mike cocked his hip to one side in his best impression of Lily. “You’re looking well.”

“So it’s true. You wear the form of your goddess.” Francois smirked and tilted his head to look down his nose at Mike. “An interesting choice.”

“Ah, man, you saw through my disguise.” Mike pouted dramatically. “At least we didn’t show up in the same outfit. How embarrassing would that have been? People would think we were quite the pair.”

The Captain’s eye twitched in irritation. “I suppose you know why I’ve called you here.”

“I do.” Mike gave Francois a knowing look. “You saw how powerful I am and would like to apologize or maybe even surrender.”

The Captain’s face turned a dark shade of red. Before he could reply, a shadow fell over both of them. Mike looked up to see a man nearly ten feet tall. His hair and beard were long and wild, and his face was crusted with sea salt. He clutched a massive trident in one hand, which he tapped impatiently on the ground.

“Look upon me, Caretaker. My player may stand for your belligerence, but I shall not.” The newcomer scowled at Mike, his eyes filled with the fury of a hurricane. “For I am Poseidon, god of all the oceans!”

“Hello, brother.” Hestia took over the mouth. “We didn’t see you there.”

Mike almost laughed, withdrawing briefly from control of the body so that Hestia could remain composed for the two of them. He also noticed that nobody else had acknowledged Kisa standing just off to the side, her eyes wide as she watched the scene play out.

Poseidon didn’t seem pleased at the comment, but said nothing. Instead, he placed a massive hand on Francois’ shoulder, which seemed to give the Captain strength to continue speaking.

“I called you here because I want to negotiate,” he said. “For the eggs.”

“No.”

Poseidon chuckled. “You would be wise to hear the terms, Caretaker.”

Mike sighed and looked up at the god. “I always thought you’d be taller,” he said.

Francois rolled his eye. “Yes, we get it, you think you’re witty. I’ve summoned you here to discuss ownership of the eggs. Ordinarily, I wouldn’t stoop to this ... conversation, but felt that perhaps we could settle this with words rather than further violence.”

“I don’t think there’s really anything to discuss. You want the eggs to, what, eat them? Hatch your own dragon babies? Whatever it takes to live forever, right?”

Francois nodded. “I have lived for centuries, Caretaker, and wish to continue doing so. After the setback dealt to me at Paradise, I find myself with a reduced amount of time to pursue other avenues of immortality.”

“Are there? Other avenues, I mean.”

Francois nodded. “Naught more than rumors, but yes. You see, the Fountain of Youth didn’t just keep me young by rolling back the hands of time. It also healed my wounds, and undid any harm that I’ve suffered. During the fight at Paradise, what little of its magic that remained was used up that I might survive. I now live on borrowed time as a result.”

“And you’re hoping I’ll feel bad and give you those eggs to help out?” Mike shook his head. “I’m not sure I see why I should do this.”

Francois growled. “It’s rather simple, Caretaker. What is it you want most in the world?”

“A pair of shoes that go with all my outfits but are also comfortable.” Mike lifted a shapely leg to reveal that he was barefoot. Poseidon made a noise in the back of his throat that sounded like a wave colliding with a rock wall.

“To be left alone.” Francois glared at Mike. “Tell me I’m wrong.”

Mike pondered the words for a moment, then nodded. “I won’t argue. Getting caught up in stuff like this is ... tiresome. But I also have a duty of care, hence the clever title. Wanting to be left alone includes those eggs, you know. Based on what little I know, at least a few dragons entrusted them to the original guardians with the idea that they’d be allowed to hatch and live someday.”

Francois shrugged. “Life doesn’t always happen as we think it should. Much like you, I stumbled into the Great Game. For me, it was a chance encounter. Lost at sea with no hope of survival, I spotted a ship on the horizon. Hoping that we had been rescued, I took the long boat by myself and rowed out to greet it. What should I find but a magic vessel with both an infinite supply of food and water.”

“Which I’m sure you shared with your crew.”

The Captain nodded. “You may think me a bastard, but I’m not a monster. My crew came with me, and we sailed together for many years. It wasn’t until much later, after a failed mutiny that I learned that those who perished at sea would continue to serve me. For centuries, the bones of every man, woman, and child who fell prey to the depths became my crew. I amassed a secret armada, an undead army willing to follow any order I give them. That is what I came here to talk about, Caretaker. For you see, in exchange for the eggs, I offer you peace. Poseidon?”

The god lifted his trident and swung it across the air above them. The sky rippled and formed into an overhead map of the island of Maui. All around the perimeter, hundreds of dots floated on the water.

“That is just a taste of what’s to come. You see, in my previous bid for the eggs, I did not expect the interference of Pele herself. I believed my guardian sufficient to defeat the dragon, but could not compete with the bearer of fire herself.” Francois spat on the ground. “However, my goal was to lure you out of hiding. I had heard you were new to the role, and thought I could take advantage of this fact.”

“Yeah, you really didn’t see us coming. We’re full of surprises like that.” Mike studied the Captain. “Out of curiosity, who told you about me?”

Francois grinned. “Perhaps that is information I could give you to sweeten the deal. I am prepared to offer you peace, plus the identity of my informant in exchange for those eggs.”

“No offense, but I don’t care how many skeletons you have. They’re limited in what they can do. Even if you force marched a million of them up that mountain-side, my family would be capable of easily destroying them.”

Poseidon smirked. Francois chuckled and rubbed at his jaw.

“Well, you see Mike Radley, the skeletons aren’t for you.” Francois clapped his hands together. “There are two sets of rules for the Great Game. The ones we cannot bypass, no matter how hard we try. Those are magically enforced. Then there are the unspoken rules created by our predecessors which aren’t official in the slightest. One of these unspoken rules is that we do not reveal the Game to the outside world. It is a game best played in the shadows, away from greedy eyes.”

Mike didn’t like where this was going. “And?”

Francois grinned. “I’m about to break that rule. Those dots represent ships, Caretaker. Ships that my minions have pieced back together. If you really want to see what you face, allow me to enlighten you.” He snapped his fingers, and the shimmering scene above rippled, shedding the waters of the ocean and turning into a topographical map. All along the depths, a white fog had formed. “And there are the rest of them, Mike Radley. My undead minions ready to march on the island itself. Not to take the eggs from you, you are right when you speak of their limited utility. Tomorrow morning, I intend to order them to march on the island of Maui where they will either slaughter every living human where they stand or drag them out into the water to replenish my forces.”

It was like a punch to the gut. Mike’s jaw dropped open as he realized the fog was simply hundreds of thousands of skeletons, primed and ready to invade.

“Even now, your Navy is mobilizing in order to figure out how best to identify and handle this threat.” Francois grinned. “But they can’t kill that which is already dead, Caretaker. Their guns will be useless, and when I sink their ships, I will add their corpses to my army. Pele is a formidable opponent, but she values her people far more than the continued existence of those eggs. She will have to choose what she wishes to defend.”

“This is madness.” Mike looked down from the map at Francois. “You would kill all those people? Just to live forever?”

Francois laughed. “There is no obstacle I won’t surmount to achieve my goals. So when I speak of peace, I don’t simply mean that you will be left alone. You’re still a young man, Caretaker. Imagine the decades ahead, trying to live with the knowledge that you allowed so many to be slaughtered. Tomorrow at dawn, should you not meet me on the shores of Hana with those eggs in hand, you will have war.”

Mike suddenly felt very small in the Captain’s presence. This wasn’t just some assholes on his lawn anymore, or a demon making trouble on his property. Innocent people were about to become caught up in all of this, families and children. He bit his lip in contemplation, trying to figure out the best course of action.

There were only two possible outcomes. He could hand over the eggs, but Titania had already explained to him why he couldn’t do that. Francois was chasing immortality, but what else might he gain from acquiring the eggs? Mike looked up at Poseidon and remembered what Hestia had said about his temper. It was entirely possible that Captain Francois would return later to get revenge, and who knew what sort of powers he would have acquired then?

So, no, handing over the eggs wasn’t an option. Mike lowered his gaze to the Captain, his mind racing with possibilities. A fight was coming, that was clear. But he was already in the middle of a fight of his own. The Sons of Sin and the Order had taken his children which was the problem he wanted to tackle right now. Frankie and his bullshit were a secondary problem at best.

But in his heart, Mike already felt pain for the people of Hawaii who didn’t know that their own lives and families were about to be torn apart. He clenched his fists and felt a rush of divine energy flow through him.

“I need more time,” he said. “I can’t just bring you the eggs. They’re being incubated.”

Francois shook his head. “I know for a fact that you have some sort of magical shortcut set up already. The eggs will be fine outside of their incubator as long as they come straight to me.”

“What about the Order?” asked Mike, desperate for something to cling to. “They’re gonna be pissed when they realize you’re about to ruin their whole ‘magic doesn’t exist’ schtick.”

The Captain laughed. “Why do you think I want those eggs by tomorrow morning? Even if they could pull their shit together, the Order couldn’t mobilize a proper response by then, not on an island that is several hours away from anywhere by plane.” He snapped his fingers and the ground around him rippled like water. “You’ve got around fourteen hours, Caretaker. Make the right choice.”

“And what if I said no?” Mike’s whole body tingled. “What if I said I would stop you?”

Captain Francois smirked. “Allow me to answer your question with an expression you Americans are so fond of using.” The man chuckled and crossed his arms. “You and what army?”

With those words, he stepped forward and slid through the ground. Poseidon vanished as well, leaving Mike with Hestia and Kisa. They stood in silence, but Mike could tell that Hestia was seething. He could literally feel it in her bones, the desire to rip Francois to shreds. As the goddess of hearth and home, the man was attacking all that she held dear.

“Mike?” Kisa stepped away from the hedges, her tail drooping behind her. “What are we gonna do?”

“I don’t know.” Mike looked around and found a carved stone bench to sit on. When he sat, he had to stand back up and fiddle around with the fabric of his skirt to keep it from bunching. “Little help here.”

Hestia took over and casually smoothed down the fabric so he could sit comfortably. Kisa sat next to him and put her head in his lap so that she could look up at him between his cleavage. He stroked her hair, trying his best not to puke. Could he even throw up in this place?

“What should I do?” he asked aloud, his emotions now overflowing into his eyes. He needed to save his kids. But he also had a duty as the Caretaker. His family was his world, but the actual world also needed his help. “Hestia?”

“I’m afraid I cannot advise you in this,” she replied.

“Why? Is this another stupid rule?”

“No.” The goddess’ lip trembled. “I am uncertain what the answer is. Those children ... you see, in all the years I have been part of the Great Game, I have yet to see or experience a family like yours. Former Caretakers took many lovers, but rarely were there ever children of any sort to walk my halls. I have watched your children learn and grow before my very eyes and think of them as my own.

“But as the goddess of hearth and home, I can almost feel the coming agony of those who will lose their loved ones. I am no warrior, my beloved Caretaker, and cannot offer you a strategy based on experience. Instead, all I have are opinions, and I’m afraid to color your decision with words of my own.”

“Fuck.” Mike stared into the distance. Kisa moved up on the bench and put her head on his shoulder.

“By the way, it’s freaky to watch you talk to yourself like that.” The catgirl nuzzled his breasts affectionately. “Do you want to hear what I think?”

“Yeah.” Mike laughed and wiped a tear from his eyes. “I would love to hear advice from anybody at this point. I’m feeling stuck.”

“Just because you’re the Caretaker doesn’t mean you aren’t also a dad. Or a husband. Or a lover.” Kisa wrapped her arms around his waist. “You can still be all those things, so quit thinking like only one of them. That piece of shit told you that there were some unspoken rules of the Great Game. I think I’ve thought of a couple unspoken rules of my own that might help.”

“Okay. Let’s hear them.”

Kisa let go of Mike and moved to face him. She took his hand in her own and gave him a long look. In it, he could see a reflection of all his emotions. As his familiar, he could tell their emotions were in sync. “Captain Francois brought up the Great Game for a reason. He tried to take you out so that he could just walk in and grab those eggs for himself. But he couldn’t. The guy fucked up. So what does he do next? He’s chosen the nuclear option and is gonna go all undead Normandy on us.”

Mike sighed. “I’m aware.”

“But, and here’s the really big question, why is he giving you time to think about it? If he knows you’ve got a secret shortcut, why not just tell you to bring him the eggs by dinnertime? Or be a big dick and demand them now?” Kisa put her hands on her hips. “If he doesn’t want the Order showing up, why give you such a long time frame to plan for something?”

“Because...” Mike looked down at his lap and frowned. Why did the Captain give them such a long time frame? What was so special about daybreak? If Mike didn’t bring the eggs, then Francois would—

“Night marchers.” Mike looked up at Kisa with wide eyes. “They actually came out early, and it seems like they were hunting him specifically. He’s afraid they’ll do it again because I bet there are easily thousands of them.”

“Shit, that’s right!” Kisa hopped up and down. “The night marchers might help us!”

“So that’s probably why he has a sunrise deadline. Once they come into play, he knows he’s fucked.”

Kisa nodded. “But that also means he thinks he can take the eggs before sundown. If he doesn’t, then the marchers show up and ruin everything for him. So that’s our deadline. If we stall him until sundown, we win. Who do you think will help?”

“The merfolk. Well, maybe.” Mike frowned. He really didn’t like the idea of asking anyone to potentially die for a cause that was his alone. “Why is it that the marchers can’t come out during the day?”

“That’s probably something you should ask Pele. The Order knows them pretty well, so Ingrid might know, too.” Kisa bit her lip.

Mike nodded. At least he felt like they had some options and avenues to explore. “Okay, so let’s get intel on the marchers and then see if the Order and merfolk might be able to help us out. What else should we do?”

“Well, that brings me back to those rules. We’re all caught up in the Order’s rules, the Great Game’s rules, all that shit. What if we just stopped caring? Well, about the ones that aren’t enforced, anyway. I bet the Captain thinks we’re going to try and keep everything quiet so as not to upset the balance. But if we do end up fighting Francois, everyone on the island is going to see it. So why not go balls to the wall and give them a show they’ll never forget?”

“I...” Mike looked up. “Hestia, if we did something like that, would it cause a problem?”

“Several, actually.” The goddess made a face. “But the Great Game itself does not forbid it. You will gather plenty of attention from other ... interested parties, though.”

“Unspoken rule number one; thou shalt not do magic in public. Francois doesn’t care, so no longer do we.” Kisa held up a finger for emphasis. “So let’s break that rule and give them hell.”

“You said you had two unspoken rules.”

“Unspoken rule number two.” Kisa’s ears went flat on her head and her voice became hard. “You don’t fuck with the Radley family. That’s a rule he’s already broken, and it’s time he pays up.”

“While I agree with the sentiment, I’m not sure how that helps us.”

“You’ve got a house full of very angry people who could really use something to do right now.” The catgirl narrowed her eyes. “Francois didn’t just call you out. He called us all out. This isn’t just your fight. It belongs to all of us.”

Mike took a deep breath in through his nose, then let it out. The catgirl was right. This was a problem everyone could contribute to. “Can we stay here for a little bit?” he asked the goddess.

“You can. Why?”

Mike cracked his knuckles and gestured with his hands. Before him, a trio of game boards appeared, all of them packed with different pieces that represented a member of his household. There were also hundreds of tiny little rat figurines. Kisa knelt down by the closest board to inspect a figurine that looked identical to her.

“Because I intend to use the extra time to come up with a plan.” Mike picked up Beth’s piece, the figurine warm in his hand. He studied it for several long moments, then set it back down. “We may be here a while.”

Kisa looked up from her figurine. “Does my butt really look this big?”

“Yes.”

The catgirl smirked. “Good.”

Mike opened his eyes to see that Beth was kneeling in front of him with a look of concern on her face. His eyes dipped briefly to the valley of cleavage this had put in his face, but it was mainly out of reflex. In that brief moment, his magic reached out for hers, causing Beth’s cheeks to turn bright red.

“How long was I out?” he asked.

“Maybe a minute?” Beth stood back and offered a hand. “Naia said you were communing with Hestia.”

“I was. That place is like the Dreamscape, I was there for...” He frowned, unable to quantify the time spent. Had it been hours? Days? It didn’t really matter. He let Beth help him to his feet. “I’ve got bad news. I met with the Captain in the garden of the gods. He’s planning to kill everyone on Maui if I don’t hand over the clutch that Di is guarding.”

“What?” Beth took a step back in shock. “How?”

“The guy has been saving up undead for centuries and is gonna let them all loose. We have until sunrise tomorrow in Hawaii to figure out how to stop him and protect the residents.”

“But that’s...” Beth cut herself off with the wave of a hand. “How are we going to do it?”

“I need your help. I need everybody’s help.” He looked at Eulalie. “You still have all those government contacts from doing odd jobs for them, right?”

“I do, but...” Eulalie fidgeted with her hands. “What about the kids?”

Mike narrowed his eyes. “I stayed much longer after the Captain left. I have a plan for the kids.” It had been a constant back and forth between himself, Hestia, and Kisa. Between the three of them, they had hotly debated all the possible outcomes as well as identifying the ones that were most likely to succeed. “I have a plan for everything.”

“There’s my little boy scout.” Lily sauntered over and leaned her head on Mike’s shoulder. “Always prepared for anything.”

“I’ve come to expect the unexpected. Beth, I need you back in Maui.”

She bit her lower lip and looked up at him. “What do you need me to do?”

“First, you’re going to speak with Pele. You’ll like her, she’s really nice. We need to know why the night marchers only come out when it’s dark, and to see if we can bypass that somehow. If we can get the marchers to come out during the day, we stand a very strong chance of saving the people who live on the island. I also want you to talk with the merfolk and get them on our side. We’re going to need their help as well.”

Beth nodded. “I’ll do my best.”

“I know you will.” Mike felt his phone vibrate. He pulled it from his pocket and saw that it was a text. “It’s Ingrid. She’s letting me know that dickhead is on his way back and that she could use our help. “ He handed the phone to Lily. “You’re my liaison with the Order. I need you to go as me, but take it seriously. No funny business. You know their people better than I do. Don’t just agree to helping them. Make them offer their help to us. I don’t want to get caught up in another pissing match with their higher ups. Stay visible, I want Francois to think that you’re me.”

“Let’s play the sexy shell game again.” Lily’s features rippled and she became Mike. “I’ll try to remain the center of attention,” she said in his voice.

The back door of the home slammed open. Mike looked over to see Tink storming out, her yellow eyes tinged with red. Kisa was close behind her, a worried look on her face. Tink threw a dirty look at Lily-Mike and moved to stand in front of Mike.

“Did Kisa explain what happened?” he asked.

The goblin nodded.

Mike sighed. “Good. What I need from you is—”

“No.”

Mike blinked in surprise and noticed how quiet the backyard suddenly was. He looked at the others to see his own surprise mirrored in their faces.

“Why not?” Mike asked.

“Tink go after baby legs.” The goblin stepped forward to stare directly up at Mike. “Nobody stop Tink.”

“That’s not going to happen. Tink, I know you want to go after the kids, but I need you somewhere else. Other families are in just as much danger, and I think you might be the only one who can figure out how to help them. You’re the smartest person here by a long shot, which is why you’re going to be in charge of everything over in Maui. Kisa will explain the plan we came up with, and I know you’ll make it a hundred times better. Between your brain and Eulalie’s tech, we have a chance of winning.”

“Tink refuse.” The goblin bared her teeth at him. “Go save kids.”

“How are you going to do that?” Mike tapped the edge of Tink’s goggles. “Are you planning to steal a car and catch up with the others? Shoot everyone you see until you find them?”

The goblin’s lower lip quivered. “Tink do anything for family.”

“Then I need you to trust me, to believe me when I say that the best place for you is over there.” He looked up at the others. “Eulalie, you and Tink will take point on this. You’re also going to need the rats, all of them. Reggie, where are you?”

“Caretaker.” The rat king hopped onto the edge of the fountain and bowed. “I am at your service.”

“You have roughly twelve hours to figure out how and where to evacuate an entire island using portals.” Amymone actually gasped at this. Lily broke into wild laughter.

“Are you sure that’s the best idea?” asked Ratu, lines of concern on her forehead.

“No, I’m not.” Mike looked at her sadly. “But it’s what I’ve got. You’re going with Tink. Everyone able to leave must go and help. It’s the only chance we have. Whatever decision she makes, no matter how insane it sounds, do it.” He looked back at the goblin. “Because I believe in her.”

“Husband no go?” The goblin wiped her nose with the back of her hand.

“Not yet.” He smiled and knelt down so they were eye level with each other. “The reason I don’t want you going after the kids is because I am. In the same way that I believe in you, I need you to believe in me.”

Tink sniffled. “Tink always believe in husband.”

“I know.” He shifted her goggles to place a kiss on her forehead. “And once I bring the kids home, I’ll come find you. Then you can fill me in on the beautiful plan you’ve devised.” He stood up straight and looked at the others. “So I guess I’ll see you all in Hawaii.”

“Not fair.” Amymone pouted with her arms crossed. “Being stationary bites. I suppose you’re just gonna leave Naia and me to watch the house while you’re all gone?”

“I can seal the front entrance by shifting the earth.” Ratu started walking toward the back door. “They’ll have to climb the walls to get in.”