The Confession

She’d done it to me again! That evil, conniving bitch had gaslighted me into trusting her, and then drugged me and made me eat her ass! Ugh, I couldn’t believe it! I held my hands out in front of me and strangled an invisible throat until the tendons popped from my neck. Aargh!

How? How could I have been so fucking stupid? Most days, I considered myself a fairly bright fellow but, compared to Erin, I was a dimwit, hopelessly outclassed. Gaius Varro to her Hannibal. Mac McDonald to her Ray Kroc. She’d fucking destroyed me and, once again, had barely needed to lift a finger to do it.

Oh god, how I loathed her. That smug face, always smirking, knowing exactly what to say and constantly ten steps ahead. And because I’d already accused her of stealing my car, who would believe me about this? I didn’t believe me, and I was fucking there! FUCK!

I closed my eyes and took several deep breaths, desperate to seek my calm center, but Erin’s face loomed there inside my happy place, slowly eating my fucking brain like a fat little smirking amoeba, happily munching on my cerebellum and driving me insane.

I exhaled an exasperated sigh and checked my phone for the fiftieth time.

The pool house had felt a tad lonely the night before, but now stood positively bereft. Every good thing, every deep human connection, had been pumped out of the room. A perfect vacuum of joyless suck. I wallowed in my solitude and self-pity because I’d so far been unwilling to confront the terrible betrayal I’d committed. When I finally faced up to the horrible thing I’d done, the crushing weight of deep regret descended on me like a comet.

I’d violated the sacred covenant of trust the girls and I had established. Our sanctuary had been defiled, and I alone had been the architect of its desecration. How could I face them now? How could I tell them what I’d done? Everything that had happened between us, every word that we’d shared, every soul-bearing secret and fragile insecurity they’d entrusted to me, all of it I’d disclosed to Erin. With hardly a second thought, I’d handed all of it over to her, and for nothing more than the desperate chance to stick my dick in her one more time.

I was the most loathsome piece of shit to ever plop into the toilet of humanity. They would never trust me again.

My phone alerted, and I nearly shattered the gorilla glass tapping on the notification icon.

Courtney: Headed back. U still there?

Texted me privately, not to the group. The urge to get in my car and drive away, never to return, gripped me just then, and I felt ashamed for it. I typed out a reply.

Me: Y

Pithy. What would I say to them? I had to come clean. The longer I kept the truth from them, the worse it would be when it inevitably came out, and with Erin tugging my strings like a big-titted Geppetto, I knew it would only be a matter of time.

Courtney: All good with Ash. CU soon.

Me: K

Nothing for it now but to wait, so wait I did until I heard the car pull into the driveway. The girls swept into the pool house like a sweet summer breeze, animated and effervescent and apparently well-fed, and I felt the pall shrouding my spirits immediately lift, leaving behind only dread for the confession I still had to make.

“I’m so sorry,” Ashley said when we’d all settled onto the sectional. She held my hands in hers, and her guileless face expressed her sincere regret. “I was such a bitch to you this morning. I need to trust in you, and if you thought my mom stole your car, you must have had a good reason for it. I really hope you can forgive me.”

Her selfless apology speared my heart like a rusty dagger.

“Ashley, stop,” I said. I let go of her hands and her face fell.

“I said I’m sorry, okay? I’m sorry!” she cried.

“Please, stop! You don’t have anything to apologize for. You didn’t do anything wrong. Fuck!” I stood and paced away from her, keeping my body turned as an overwhelming feeling of remorse caused my voice to crack. “I’ve been the worst friend to you, Ashley. To all of you. Oh man, I really fucked up, guys.”

When I finally turned around, they saw the anguish on my face and their good humor changed instantly to concern.

“W-what’s wrong?” Brittney asked, her eyebrows moving together when I looked at her.

Courtney sat upright. “Dude, what did you do?”

I moved to sit on the edge of the coffee table in front of them and rested my elbows on my thighs, my hands coving my mouth as if to hold it all in. I didn’t know how to begin. They gathered closer, and Ashley laid her hand on my knee.

“Hey, it’s okay. Tell us what happened,” she said, but her calming demeanor belied the anxiety evident in her voice.

I looked at their sweet, innocent, trusting faces. How could I have done that to them? What would they think of me after I told them? I feared the worst, but whatever happened, I knew I deserved all of it and more.

“This is going to sound crazy,” I began, “but I swear to you that everything I’m about to tell you is the truth. Last night, when I went to get my keys from your mom, she said she didn’t have them because she’d called the dealership to come pick up my car and take it away. When I was about to go upstairs to ask Brittney to drive me home, she said she’d blocked in her car.

“That’s why I told you those things this morning. Because that’s what Erin told me. And I never checked to see if she was telling the truth because who would lie about something like that? Only that’s exactly what she did. She lied about it for some reason. So, after you guys left this morning, I went inside to confront her about it and find out why.”

I took a deep breath before continuing. “She took me to the den to talk and offered to pour me a drink, but she must have put something in it. Some drug. I’m not sure what it was, but it put me into a trance.”

Brittney’s mouth opened in shock, and Courtney’s eyes bugged out, but Ashley’s expression remained unchanged, neither accepting nor disbelieving, and I realized how fantastical it must have sounded.

“Listen,” I told her, “I’ve taken drugs before, so I know how they affect me, but I’ve never felt anything like this. It was so strong and it came on so fast, I didn’t even know it was happening, and then before I knew it she started asking me all these questions. Questions about us and what we’ve been doing in here.”

Kayla’s posture stiffened and Brittney covered her mouth, while Courtney furrowed her brow and silently mouthed, “What the fuck?” Ashley’s face, however, remained impassive after everything I’d said so far, and I grew increasingly disturbed by her lack of reaction.

“You don’t believe me,” I said to her.

“What did you tell her?” she asked, her voice flat.

I put my hand on hers and said, “You have to understand, Ashley, I was so drugged up I could barely move and my mind ... everything was all jumbled up and seemed so dreamlike, and she was so fucking persuasive.”

Ashley pulled her hand away and sat upright, elevating her voice. “What did you tell her?”

I stared into her eyes and shook my head. “Everything.”

Courtney jumped to her feet and shrieked, “You what?”

Kayla shook her head, intoning, “No, no, no, please god no,” over and over again, and Brittney’s face grew ashen. Ashley’s expression finally changed, morphing from disbelief to hurt to betrayal.

“You told her ... everything?” she asked incredulously, and the look on her face made me want to vomit.

“I didn’t want to!” I cried. “I swear to god, I didn’t. But I couldn’t help myself. She-she-she just got it out of me. There was nothing I could do. I know I fucked up. I do. I fucked up so bad, and I’m so fucking sorry, okay? But I didn’t want to. I swear to you, I didn’t. I would never have told her any of it. You’ve got to believe me about that.”

But I could see it in her eyes. She didn’t believe me one bit. None of them did.

“You fucking lied to us, dude!” Courtney shouted, her voice filled with righteous anger. “You said we could trust you, you fucking piece of shit! How the fuck could you do that to us?”

“Say you didn’t tell her about me. About what we talked about last night,” Kayla pleaded, and when she saw my pained reaction she stood and backed away holding her mouth, fighting back tears. “Oh my god, you did. You told her. You fucking told her. Oh my god, I can’t believe you fucking told her.”

“Kayla, please...”

“Why? Why would you tell her about that? I trusted you!”

I lowered my face into my hands and shook my head. “Oh my god, Kayla, I don’t know.”

Courtney continued her invective assault. “Oh, fuck, man! You really fucked us! You totally fucking screwed us! You fucking motherfucker!”

“I know, I know...”

“Why her?” Ashley asked, dismayed. “Of all the people in the world you could have told, why would you tell her?”

Courtney piled on. “You’re fucking scum, you know that? I should kick your fucking ass is what I should do, you lying piece of shit cocksucker!”

“Stop it! Just stop it!”

The scream echoed through the cavernous room and everyone quieted in an instant. I looked up to see Brittney standing, red faced, tears streaming down her cheeks. She held her balled fists at her side and her entire body shook violently, making her voice so tremulous she had difficulty speaking.

“S-sit the f-f-fuck d-down!” she finally managed to get out.

“Brit?” asked Courtney alarmed. She stared at her friend who looked to barely be holding herself together.

“Y-y-you sh-shut your f-fucking mouth, C-courtney Bellinore, or s-so help me god, I’ll f-fucking shut it for you.”

“B-but, Brit. This fucker...”

Brittney deepened her voice and yelled at the top of her lungs, “I SAID, SIT THE FUCK DOWN, BITCH!”

The color drained from Courtney’s face and her ass came down onto the couch so fast, she nearly missed the edge of the cushion and had to catch herself to keep from hitting the floor. Brittney’s eyes blazed with hellfire and we all looked in awe at how fierce and intimidating her six-foot, two hundred twenty pound frame appeared when she was angry. And Brittney looked angrier than I’d ever seen anyone look before in my life.