Coffee

John and Julie are at the breakfast table having their morning coffee before Julie catches the train downtown for her job at Weber and Wirtz. John will leave later. He has a two-mile walk to his father’s shop, Birder World, which sells bird seed and bird houses, binoculars, books, and other bird enthusiasts’ paraphernalia. He’s managed the store ever since his father’s stroke three years ago. John is not a bird enthusiast, but he’s learned a lot about them.

In the two years and seventeen days that John and Julie have known each other, they drink coffee together at the breakfast table an average of four days a week. Julie often has two more cups while at work. John none. All total, in the time they’ve known each other, John has consumed 438 cups of coffee. Julia 2,106 cups. But if it matters, the coffee at home is decaf, Julie’s coffee at work is full strength. Neither takes cream or sugar.

Books

Both John and Julie are avid readers. They met at the town library. Both were checking out Stephen King novels. Since that time Julie has read 75 novels, though she didn’t finish 15 of them, and John has read 40 novels, not finishing 3 of them. He often reads during slow times at the pet shop. They often read together on the couch after dinner. Most of the books they read they check out from the local library. In the time they’ve known each other they’ve read the same book 30 times. John usually reads Julie’s book after she’s finished it. Their favorite contemporary novelist is Jonathan Franzen. Neither is really that enamored of Stephen King.

Steps and Stairs

Last year Julie got John a Fitbit for Christmas. He wore it for two weeks but found it irritated his skin, or so he said, so Julie started wearing it. Most days she takes more than 4000 steps. She reported her numbers to John one evening, and the next day he counted the steps to the bird store. 4,418. “That’s 8,836 both ways,” he informed Julie. “Plus incidental steps.” Julie laughed at “incidental steps.” “Like going to the bathroom,” she said. Then she added, “I climb more than 300 stairs every day at work. That’s 300 up and 300 down.” “Good thing you climb 300 down,” John told her. “Otherwise where would you be?”

The stairway from the first floor of John and Julie’s townhome to the second floor has 15 steps including the landing. That evening after dinner, John carried Julie up the stairs and into the bedroom. “That counts double for me and nothing for you,” he told her. “Can’t we share?” she asked.

“Maybe,” he said, and he set her on the bed.

Sex

Since they met, John and Julie have had sex with each other 518 times. Since then neither has had sex with anyone else, but John has masturbated to orgasm 86 times and Julie 11.

John’s penis is six inches long when erect. Though John and Julie often make love for more than an hour, and more than a few times they’ve had “quickies,” the average time of their ‘actual intercourse’ is 17 minutes. The rate of John’s penetrative strokes varies, ranging from 0 strokes per second to 7 strokes per second, with an average of 1.4 strokes per second. That works out to 1428 strokes per fuck. During the ‘average’ fuck, John’s cock travels 714 feet, which is the number of regular season home runs Babe Ruth hit during his major league career. During his sex life with Julie so far, John’s cock has traveled a little bit more than 140 miles.

The semen from John’s ejaculations has contained more than 60 billion sperms. Not all of them have been inside of Julie’s vagina. Sixty-three times John ejaculated into Julie’s mouth. Fifty-seven times in her hand. Nine times on her breasts or belly. And five times he came in her ass.

Until tonight, the consequence of the 60 billion sperms has been negligible. At Julie’s cousin’s wedding, for example, Julie’s gown would have needed dry cleaning anyway.

But tonight: one sperm, one egg, one baby.

Actually two.