Chapter 67: Couplehood?

If you asked me what the composition of the Extended Family was that summer, I would say a mix of couples and single men and women.

The couples, when all were present consisted of the following:

Mel and Robbie
Bev and Nicky
Rachel and Carl
Stone and Robyn
Martin and Penny
Jake and Chris
Jean and Blake (Chicago)
Cindy and Josh (Chicago)
Sarah and Justin (Columbus)
Holly and Brad (Columbus)
Paul and Eleanor (Columbus)
Maggie and Gary (Columbus)
Marge and Joel (Columbus)
Janice and Jared (St. Louis)
Toby and Ann (St. Louis)
Jeremy and Alex (London) [32]

I thought of the student couples differently because I thought there was a different and lower level of commitment there:

Amber and Caleb
Tracy and Warren
Wendy and Bryce
Blue and Derek [8]

Then there were the various singles, like myself, that might appear as a couple or even be in a threesome depending on whom they were with:

Jim Rice (me)
Lynn
Karen (and Logan)
Ray
Toni
Lincoln
Sven
Heather
Aaron (St. Louis)
Bridget (St. Louis)
Rene (St. Louis)
Matt (St. Louis)
Valerie Collins (St. Louis)
Allison (Ally) (Philadelphia)
John Wynston (L.A.) [14]

Thus, if everyone was together, for instance at some great holiday that drew everyone to Sarasota, we’d have 54 people – 26 men and 28 women. Of course, we’d never had everybody together that I thought of as being members of ‘my’ Extended Family.

Beside the couples there were threesomes or other complex relationships, that involved many of the singles in some way. I lived with Lynn, Karen, and Heather, plus Amber and Tracy, and sometimes Wendy and Blue; so, there was overlap. Martin often had not only his wife Penny, but also her sister Ally in residence with him. Matt, Aaron, Rene, and Bridget were OSOs or Other Significant Others to various members of the core St. Louis foursome. Toni lived with Stone and Robyn as a co-wife. Gary was Eleanor’s paramour, but married to Maggie Moore. Marge was Paul’s lover, but Joel fronted as her boyfriend and they really liked each other.

Taking those family situations into account meant that the only ‘real’ singles in Sarasota were men: Ray, Lincoln, and Sven. Valerie and Ally were frequent visitors, and so was John. Others added to those numbers when they could be with us.

The Columbus crew didn’t travel that much, and many had never been to Sarasota. Jeremy and Alex had only been to the city once. The same was true for some of my friends and lovers in St. Louis.

The one event that I thought might draw us all together was the wedding of Jake Walters and Chris Beckman. They’d gotten engaged in May and had decided on a December wedding.

Chris had spent a lot of time in Columbus, and a little time with me at various times in St. Louis. She’d made friends (and lovers), enough that I thought her wedding would be a draw. I’d add in my two cents, plus the promise of an erotic week with all the other family members and I was sure we could get near perfect attendance.

Chris and I made some strategic telephone calls to alert people and also, for her, to figure out the exact date that would work for everyone. The second Saturday in December seemed to become the date. The wheels went into motion for all the other arrangements.

We calculated all the available bedroom and bed space at my house, Martin’s house, and Stone’s house, plus whether Mel and Robbie could handle anyone in their small apartment. After many calls, I also reserved a block of rooms at the nearby Holiday Inn. At least in our town, the motel was an upscale location right on Lido Beach. It would be a hit with everyone because of that.

Summer projects started on the house to spruce up or redecorate various rooms. Things that had gone unfixed since before I became single were set right. Some landscaping was redone, especially to add more privacy to the back patio and pool areas.

Jake and Chris asked me to find a minister for them. I thought I knew just the man, although I hadn’t talked to him for several years. Ross Buchman taught religion and philosophy at nearby FSU. Tracy had him for a course and concurred.

Ross was slightly younger than me, single as it turned out, and would love to conduct the wedding providing ‘restrictive wedding vows’ were not part of the service.

I asked him what ‘restrictive wedding vows’ were. He explained that he didn’t want any men or women to become subservient to the other through clauses such as ‘love, honor, and OBEY,’ ‘giving everything I have,’ or ‘forsaking all others’, even when the vows were reciprocal He said, “I even wince when I hear someone getting married say that they ‘take’ the other person as their partner; that smacks of possessiveness, and I’m against it. People shouldn’t own each other.”

I explained to Ross about the Extended Family and the complex relationships that we’d formed, in part because of the open sexuality between us. He broke into a broad smile and said, “Well, I will want to talk to bride and groom, I think I have just the right words for the service. They’ll make me happy, from what it sounds, and I hope that they like my words, too. They can always write their own, too, or we can mix and match.”

I signed up Ross. He would be a welcome addition to the service and maybe even the Family. He looked interested. I set a date with him for a lunch the following week, and got concurrence from Jake and Chris.

We arranged for local catering services and florists to help on the chosen date. I had an old friend that was a professional photographer, and he and his crew locked in the date, too, for both still photos and movies. A small local band with good demo tracks was signed up for music, and then rental furniture was also contracted – seats, fold-away beds, and the like.

We had time before the wedding, but still the house took on a new level of excitement and readiness. Chris wanted to do the wedding service on the back patio with guests looking past the arbor where she’d stand with Jake, across the pool, and out over Sarasota Bay. The scene would be spectacular even though many of the guests saw it regularly when they visited the house.

I got a small and puzzling surprise one Tuesday morning when I responded to knock on my front door. There was a middle age man and woman standing there from the city. I’d at first thought they were some religious group doing some soul saving.

The man said, “I’m Wendell Carson from the city inspector’s office. This is Ronan Nyquist also from our office. We have a complaint that you are running an overcrowded boarding house here, and that it is out of compliance with both city building code and safety standards. We’re here to inspect the property for violations.” He held out an official looking piece of paper and I noticed the words ‘Citizen Complaint’ centered at the top of the page under the letterhead.

I think my mouth hung open waiting for the punch line to the joke.

Both Wendell and Ronan held up their badges that were around their neck. They both were official city employees.

I stammered out a question or two, and finally understood that they really did want to inspect the property for compliance with various city standard and rules. They emphasized that this was all preliminary and nothing criminal. If they found problems, I’d have ninety days to fix whatever the issue was.

Having the various women living with me seemed a simple thing. It never occurred to me that I needed to comply with some set of house rules that were set by the city. We were generally quiet and out of sight.

I also drew comfort from the fact that Roy Goodman, another neighbor, was a top-notch local lawyer who could help me if I was in trouble in any way with the city.

I ushered them into the house. Lynn and Karen had already gone to work. Heather was in the kitchen puttering around making breakfast for herself; she was wearing a little robe and not much else. Amber and Tracy were on the patio, also barely clad, studying for an afternoon exam. The nanny had just arrived and was playing with Logan. I didn’t bother with introductions.

The two inspectors looked around a very neat living room and dining area. I showed them through to the kitchen. Heather must have heard enough to know that she shouldn’t be available for questions and had left the room. Ronan especially walked around looking at the appliances and opening cabinet doors, peering at both dishes and food stuffs that were stored. Everything was spotless except for the morning dishes in the dishwasher.

I showed them the laundry and garage, and then I walked them through the various bedrooms. When they were standing in the doorway of the master bedroom looking at our huge double-king mattress, Wendell asked, “How many people live in each of these rooms?” He gestured to the various bedrooms.

I smiled inwardly and explained, “Well, two to five of us usually sleep here, but Lynn and I are the only two that have our clothing here. Karen and Heather use the next bedroom down the hall; Amber and Tracy have the room at the end of the hall; and the other door is Logan’s room – he’s my one-year-old son. The other bedrooms that you saw are guest rooms for when a friend or two might stay over – usually only one or two others unless we have a lot of overnight guests, and some of them might sleep on a sofa downstairs after a long party.” I was playing with them a bit. I was psyching myself up for a good fight with city hall.

“Do the overnight guests pay you to stay here?”

I frowned, “Of course not. They are our guests – friends. You don’t charge friends for a rare overnight stay.” I couldn’t resist, “Well, maybe You do, but I don’t.”

“And you are the sole owner of the house?”

“Yes. I’ve lived here for twenty-five years in this very house.”

Ronan frowned. “Oh. And do any of the others pay you to stay here?”

I was still frowning. “Why, yes. They pay me with affection; the giggles of a happy toddler – my son – that is music to my ears; and the touches from people that love me unconditionally. I don’t know why you’re here, but we are a Family – an Extended Family that is somewhat unconventional, but I assure you that we are Family to each other. If you are through, I invite you to leave and not come back. I have many things that I need to do; I work from home.”

I escorted the pair in the direction of the front door. Wendell was consulting a checklist or whatever was on his clipboard.

As we reached the door, he said, “You need three fire extinguishers in the bedroom area, and four across the garage, laundry, and kitchen areas.”

I nodded and said, “Goodbye.” I summarily gestured them out the door and shut it firmly. I figured I’d get something from them in the mail. Also, since they didn’t mention anything further, I thought that their visit had been along the lines of harassment by one of my neighbors.

Heather came and kissed me. “Don’t let the bureaucrats get you down.”

“No. No. What bothers me is that somebody in the neighborhood probably complained that I was running a boarding house that didn’t comply with city regulations, or that was a guise and they’re just pissed at the Extended Family for some reason.”

Heather shrugged, “Well, this is the best damn rooming house that I’ve ever seen. I love everybody here.” She kissed me.

Just then the babysitter came back to the house wheeling Logan in his stroller. She’d taken him out for his morning walk around the Key.

I think I was testy the rest of the morning. I know I bit the head off of a telemarketer that called and interrupted my thinking about a chapter in the book that I’d pledged to write with Jake.

At lunch, I watched TV and Heather giving the weather for the area. I’d calmed down since the visit by the city inspectors or whatever they were. Amber and Tracy had gone into the university by then to take their exams.