Chapter 62

Dark storm clouds rolled in, blocking the setting sun and leaving my bedroom dull and gloomy. Exactly how I felt.

I sat on the floor with my back against the side of the bed, my legs straight out in front of me, my chin on my chest, and my heart heavy. Sitting in the same place I had collapsed when Kirk left hours before. Hours that went by unnoticed. Time had no meaning as I cried and stopped and then cried again. But now my eyes were dry, no longer capable of shedding new tears.

I was teared out.

The darkness shrouded me as I wallowed in misery. I was barren. Never to be a mother. I felt hollow, empty. And alone. I had no one who cared. Not Paul. Not even Kirk. I had thought Kirk was different, more caring, but he had abandoned me in my desperate time. He had known how much I was hurting, yet he left me to suffer alone.

I heard the click, and then the familiar squeak of the door to the apartment opening. My head shot up. Kirk was back! He had changed his mind! I knew he wouldn’t abandon me. He did care for me. He was the only one. He would hold me. Take away my pain. Comfort me.

“Julie, where are you?” Paul shouted.

My chin dropped back to my chest with a sigh. A long sigh filled with despair.

Paul moved around the apartment and then entered the bedroom, flipping on the light. He stopped just inside when he spotted me. He was wearing the dark blue suit and light blue tie we had picked out that morning.

“Why are you sitting in the dark?” Paul asked. “What are you doing on the floor?”

I looked up and saw my husband through bloodshot eyes.

“Leave me alone,” I said.

“Why? What’s the matter?”

“I called you at work.”

“I know. I was busy.”

“Too busy for me?”

“Didn’t Lily tell you I’d talk to you when I got home?”

“I needed to talk to you then.”

“I’m sorry, but some of us work. We can’t just drop everything to talk.”

“But it was important.”

“So tell me now.”

I glared at my husband. “You wouldn’t care anyway.”

“Look, I was busy. I couldn’t help that. So what’s so important?”

“Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not. I want to know.”

“Do you want children?” I asked.

“Of course. You know I do. We both do.”

“Then go find someone who can give you a baby.” My voice was filled with venom. “I can’t.”

I was wrong. Fresh tears formed in my eyes and flowed down my cheeks.

“Did the doctor call?” Paul asked. “Did he say it was a false alarm? You’re not pregnant?”

“I’ll never be pregnant! Dr. Weissman said so.”

“We’ll keep trying.”

“Don’t you understand?” I shouted, pounding the floor with my fist.

I felt like I was talking to an imbecile. Was Paul even listening to me? I was in pain, pouring my heart out, and he wasn’t even listening. If I had something in my hand I would have thrown it at Paul.

My frustration boiled over and I shouted, “I’m infertile!”

“Just because you haven’t gotten pregnant yet doesn’t—”

“Aren’t you listening?” I shouted even louder. “Dr. Weissman said so. I’m never going to get pregnant.”

Paul stood frozen for a moment, taking in what I had told him. Then he rushed to my side and dropped to the floor. He draped an arm across my shoulders and pulled me to him. I wrestled free and rolled away from him, now curled up on my side.

“Don’t touch me!” I shouted as I glared at him.

I wished I had the pillow to bury my head in.

Paul was stunned. His eyes were wide and his mouth open. He stared at me. And then he reached for me. I rolled farther away.

“Julie, why won’t you let me hold you?” Paul asked.

“When Dr. Weissman told me that I could never have a baby, I had never felt so bad. It was the lowest point in my life. My heart was broken and I needed you. I needed you! But you didn’t care. Work is more important to you than I am. Don’t you understand? I needed you and you wouldn’t even take my call. You left me to suffer alone.”

“I didn’t know.”

“I told Lily it was important. She told me she told you it was.”

“She did. I thought it was something trivial. A lot of times you think something is important when it’s not.”

I was shocked. “You think that little of me?”

Paul started crawling toward me. There was no more room to roll, so I placed my hands flat on the floor and got onto one knee, like a sprinter starting a race. I was going to jump up and run, not that I knew where I would go. In my mind, anywhere where Paul wasn’t. But as I was rising, Paul snatched me around my waist and yanked me to him so hard I was lifted off the floor before crashing into his body. He landed on his back with me on top of him.

I squirmed and flayed and kicked until Paul pinned my arms to my sides and held me tightly with both arms around me and our chests pressed together. He locked his legs around mine to stop me from kicking. I continued to struggle until all the strength left me. It was like when Kirk had left me earlier. When he had left, I no longer had the will to stand and collapsed onto the floor right where I had been standing. Where Paul had found me. Now it was my spirit that gave up. I bawled into Paul’s chest as he held me.

“I’m sorry,” Paul said. “I know how much you wanted the baby. But we have each other. Isn’t that what matters?”

That was what mattered. We had each other. We would make a life together, just the two of us. I managed to tilt my head back enough to kiss Paul’s neck. I kissed it over and over again. He was my husband. My love. We would have a life without children. I planted kisses on every part of his neck my lips reached.