Chapter 45

“Julie, get out of bed!” my mother shouted from downstairs.

I had eaten breakfast in my pajamas and went right back into bed. Not to sleep. I wasn’t tired. I wasn’t doing anything to get tired. I lay in my bed all day, every day, coming downstairs to eat and then going back to bed. Mr. Roman was dead. All my dreams were gone. I had nothing to live for.

This had been going on since I found out about Mr. Roman. I skipped a few days of school, but my mother made me go to class to finish the semester. Once school had ended, however, I stayed in my bed. The few times Debbie had called on me, my mother sent her up to my bedroom, but I didn’t want to talk to anyone, not even her. Debbie had tried, but finally left when I wouldn’t even come out from beneath the cocoon of my blanket.

One time, Debbie had come to tell me that Wally and Paul invited us to their high school graduation. I had refused to take Paul’s calls so I hadn’t known. Debbie begged me to go with her. I refused so she went alone and later told me that I should have gone. That Paul was hurt that I hadn’t been there. Graduating high school was a big deal.

But right now, I lay in bed under my blanket, blocking out the cruel world. It wasn’t fair. I had dreams. I was going to be happy. How could one stupid car accident end all that?

The blanket was yanked off me so hard it sailed off the foot of the bed and settled on the floor under my now frayed and forgotten Elvis poster. I lay curled up on my side wearing my pajamas. Loose strands of oily hair stuck to my face. My mother glared down at me.

“I don’t know what’s gotten into you, young lady,” my mother said, “but I’m not putting up with it any longer. All you do is lay in bed all day. You don’t even wash your hair anymore. You look like a bum. What’s gotten into you?”

I didn’t answer. I flipped over onto my other side to face away from my mother, still in the fetal position. And then I felt the sting. She had slapped my rump.

“Ow!” I screamed and flipped onto my back to glare at her. “What was that for?”

“For being a baby. If you’re going to act like a baby, I’ll spank you like one. Now get out of bed and take a shower. You stink. And wash your hair before it falls out. I expect you downstairs in no more than an hour, clean and dressed. Now get your butt out of bed.”

My mother stormed out of my bedroom.

I did feel grubby. A shower sounded good so I took one and washed my hair. It did make me feel better. I changed my panties and was about to put my pajamas back on, but remembered my mother’s threat. She wasn’t kidding. I wouldn’t put it past her to put me over her knee and spank me. Or worse, have my father do it. That would be so humiliating. I got dressed and went downstairs into the kitchen where I got a drink of water.

“What’s Debbie doing today?” my mother asked.

“How would I know?”

“Of course you wouldn’t know. You haven’t spoken to her in ages. Go over to her house right now.”

“She’s probably not home.”

“She’s home. I spoke to her mother. Now get over there and fix whatever the hell is wrong with you.”

I went outside and squinted at the sunlight. Something my eyes hadn’t seen in days. I lumbered over to Debbie’s house where her mother sent me up to her bedroom. She was listening to an album and turned the turntable off when I entered.

“Well, look what the cat dragged in,” Debbie said. “What’s been up with you?”

“I’ve just been depressed.”

“Why? You said you did good on the finals. School is out. We have the whole summer vacation to do whatever we want. No homework. No tests. Just fun.”

“I’m just not in the mood.”

“Jesus, Julie, what the hell is wrong with you? Maybe you need sex.”

“What!”

“Now that I know you have sex, maybe that’s what you need. Wally and Paul want to double date with us.”

“I’m not in the mood.”

“It’s better than spending all day alone playing with your cunt.”

My jaw dropped. “Debbie!”

“What? We said we’re old enough to use words like that. Remember? And you told me you do that. It feels better when a boy does it to you. You don’t know that because Paul hasn’t done it to you, but if you tell him to I’m sure he will. And now that we know we both have sex, we won’t even have to be quiet in the car.”

Ever since hearing that Mr. Roman was dead, I didn’t want to live. I didn’t have the guts to kill myself like Gina had, but I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. In my case, my bed was my hole. Debbie was wrong. I didn’t spend all day in bed masturbating. I was too depressed to do even that. Well, I did it occasionally. My body wouldn’t survive without an orgasm once in a while. Okay, maybe more than once in a while. But even masturbating had become boring. When I masturbated, I liked to imagine a boy while doing it. It had mostly been Mr. Roman, but when I thought of him now, I cried. But I didn’t want to be with anyone else.

I thought about what Debbie had said about Paul giving me an orgasm. I remembered the last time I had been with Paul in the teacher’s lounge before going on my last date with Mr. Roman and how aroused I had gotten. No one could replace Mr. Roman, but maybe I did need sex.

“Okay,” I said, “I’ll double date with you.”

The double date was out to dinner. Paul and I sat on one side of the table with Debbie and Wally across from us. I really didn’t want to be there, but after a while I stopped fighting it and had a good time. We spoke mostly about our plans. Well, Paul’s and Wally’s plans. Debbie and I had one more year of high school. Wally was going to New York University in the fall, but Paul elected not to go to college because he got a job at his father’s company as a salesman. He had already started working there and I found what he said about working interesting.

When Paul said he was happy to be done with school, I turned to him and said, “I’m sorry I missed your graduation. It wasn’t you. I was depressed and didn’t want to go anywhere.”

Paul smiled. “That’s all right. I’ll be at yours.”

My graduation? That was a year away. I probably wouldn’t even be going out with Paul then. Mr. Roman was the love of my life, my soulmate. No one could replace him. I agreed to go on the double date because the thought of having any kind of sex sounded good and Paul had gotten me aroused in the teacher’s lounge. That’s what I was looking forward to. Not a boyfriend. Just sex. I no longer even felt guilty for using Paul. He got something out of it, too.

After dinner, Wally drove to the parking lot at the closed warehouse. For some reason it was always his father’s car we double dated in so Wally and Debbie were in the front seat. That was okay with me. There was more room in the back.

We didn’t spend time talking. As soon as Wally turned the car off, Debbie pulled his head to her so that Paul and I were looking at the back of his head. Debbie tilted her head in front of Wally’s face and pressed her lips to his. I was surprised at Debbie’s aggressiveness. Typically, Wally started things and it was he who leaned in front of Debbie for the kiss. But then I noticed that Debbie’s eyes were open as she kissed Wally. Was it normal for her to keep her eyes open while kissing or was she watching Paul and me? All I knew was that she was kissing Wally hard as her eyes peered around the side of his head.