Chapter 34

After that first visit to Mr. Roman’s apartment, I went there every chance I was able to sneak away. We made love, although sometimes the fervent sex was raw fucking rather than making love, but I didn’t care. I liked the sex, and I liked Mr. Roman’s passion.

Those encounters with Mr. Roman took me away from Debbie, but she was dating a lot more so we weren’t spending as much time together anyway. Gina? She disappeared often without me or Debbie having a clue to where she was. Even on school days when she was supposed to be in class. When we asked, she shrugged without explaining. Gina had changed. She was more distant. And she had dark rings under her eyes, lost weight, and sometimes when she was with Debbie and me she wasn’t really with us. She was in a world of her own. Sometimes not even hearing us. It was scary. Oddly, Gina stopped complaining about not being able to date even though Debbie was dating more. I wondered if she was holding in her anger and that’s what was causing her new attitude.

I was able to see Mr. Roman during the day on weekends. I had no interest in any other boys, but since my mother and Debbie’s mother were friends, and Debbie was dating, my mother wanted to know why I wasn’t dating. I couldn’t tell her the truth so I had to date. Most times it was a double date with Debbie so I wasn’t alone with a boy. Not that I wanted to have sex with any of my dates. I enjoyed sex, and I had an excessive desire for sex, but that didn’t mean I had sex with anybody. Maybe if I hadn’t been having sex with Mr. Roman I would have needed it more and felt differently. After all, when I went on a date on Saturday night, I had already spent the day in bed with Mr. Roman.

The good thing about dating was the boys Debbie and I dated had cars. Usually their fathers’ cars, but I didn’t care. We didn’t have to take the bus to go somewhere and the boys paid for whatever we did. I even had fun on most dates. It gave me a chance to be with Debbie, and most of the boys were nice.

I dated one boy more than the others. Paul Nimo was best friends Wally Lugo, the boy Debbie liked, so he was often my date when Debbie and I double dated. Paul was nice, but I didn’t have sexual desires for him. And since Debbie was the opposite of me when it came to sex, I wasn’t put in any sexual situations with Paul on our dates.

One day Debbie, Gina, and I went to Midtown Manhattan to do Christmas shopping. We went to both Macy’s and Gimbels. They were only a couple of blocks from each other. Not Bloomingdales, though. We couldn’t afford that department store and we were there to do serious buying, not to fool around. We giggled like old times as we dashed from one clothing rack to the next. Even Gina. That was nice. The three of us hadn’t had so much fun together in a long time.

When it was time to try on clothing, we all crammed into a single changing room together like we had always done. It was crowded and we giggled as we bumped into each other. That only added to the fun. But one time, Gina removed her sweater to try on a long-sleeved top. I gasped. The inside of the elbow area on her left arm was black and blue.

“Ohmigod!” I said, pointing at her bruised arm. “What happened to you?”

Gina slapped a hand over the black and blue discolorations. “It’s nothing. I banged it.”

“How can you bang your arm there?” Debbie asked.

“I don’t know. It happened in my sleep. Stop asking me about it.”

The rest of the shopping wasn’t as joyful and Gina stayed away from Debbie and me. She even went into her own changing room to try on clothes.

“What do you think happened to her?” Debbie asked me in a changing room when Gina was in another.

“I don’t know. Think someone hit her?”

“Who would hit her?”

I shrugged and hung my head. Gina wasn’t the same Gina I had grown up with. We all had secrets from each other. Well, I didn’t think Debbie kept secrets from me, but Gina and I sure had our secrets. I had never told anyone other than Mr. Roman that a boy hit me. Did a boy hit Gina? Who? And why?

Debbie’s parents surprised her with a trip to Florida during Christmas break. With Gina gone most of the time, wherever she disappeared to, I hung out with others in my neighborhood. But it wasn’t the same without Debbie. I grew up with my neighborhood friends, but we were not close like Debbie and Gina and me, although not so much Gina anymore. The good news was that it gave me more time to be with Mr. Roman.

Mr. Roman would pick me up and drop me off where he always did, except when it was raining or snowing or really cold. Those times he would take me as close to my house as he dared, but always out of sight. I wished he could pick me up at my front door like boys I dated, but that was impossible. It made me feel like I was sneaking around, which of course I was. In the beginning that added a thrill to our encounters, but after a while it felt a little dirty. If I couldn’t see him openly then there had to be something wrong with it. Right? Not according to Mr. Roman. He had said that was our parents’ thinking, not his. And he hoped not mine. The walk to and from our regular pickup/drop-off spot actually wasn’t bad. I was filled with anticipation walking to the spot and aglow with sexual satisfaction walking home.

One day Mr. Roman and I were lying naked in his bed after making love. The sex had been great, and this time it was more making love than fucking. He had taken it slow, holding me and caressing me like we had all the time in the world. Mr. Roman had just flushed his third full condom down the toilet and returned to bed. I was lying with his arm around me and my face on his chest. I loved having his arms around me and my naked body against his.

“What are you going to do after you graduate?” Mr. Roman asked.

“I’m not graduating. I’m a junior.”

“I mean next year. Are you going to college?”

I had never thought much about something that far in advance. Gina was expected to go to college, but Debbie and I never talked about going.

“I guess I’ll find a job until I get married.”

Mr. Roman remained silent. I felt the tension in the room. Was he disappointed in me? Did he expect me to go to college? I needed to break the tension.

“Maybe I’ll join the New York Philharmonic,” I said with a forced chuckle.

“You’re not good enough.”

That hurt.

Mr. Roman lifted my head off his chest and stared at my face.

“I didn’t mean that the way it came out,” he said. “To be that good, you have to dedicate your life to your instrument. I know. That was my parents’ dream, which was my nightmare.”

I saw the pain in his eyes. “I was joking,” I said and laid my head back on his chest.

After more silence, Mr. Roman asked, “Julie, do you think I’m old?”

I giggled. “Can an old man come three times?”

“I’m serious. I’m almost ten years older than you.”

“I like that. You’re not immature like the boys my age.” I giggled again. “And you have a hot car they can’t afford.”

“Yeah, that’s one of my weaknesses. My friends in the Village tell me I’m supposed to reject material things. But I love that car.”

“I love it, too.”

“Julie, you know I dig you.”

“I know. I like you, too.”

“But how much?” Mr. Roman asked.

“Probably more than you like me.”

There was silence again and I felt the tension. Was he breaking up with me? Did he finally realize I was just a high school girl?

“I doubt that,” Mr. Roman said.

I lifted my head off his chest and stared down at his face. His eyes were shiny. There was no smile.

“You don’t think I like you?” I asked, incredulously.

“Not the way I feel about you.”

I was stunned. What had I ever done or said to give him that impression? I didn’t know what to say.

“Julie,” Mr. Roman said, “I don’t just like you, I’m in love with you.”